hmmmm

Sometimes, i do the stupidest things known to man. I don't know why i even put myself thru all this toture but i do. This am i got up and got on facebook as i always do and had a friends request which was a complete surprise at to who it was. It was the girl that drug me thru hell over the past few months. I added her just to make it seem i wasn't ignoring her. i was bored tonight and I guess i really wanted to know if she really cared about me or really ever wanted to be with me. As it turns out she never really loved me nor wanted to be with me. I wasted from september until jan on her ass. How stupid was I then and how stupid was i tonight when i sat down and read all of her status updates on facebook. I really saw the real person that she really is and it just wasn't very pretty. I hope that she will go back thru my status updates and really see how much she fucking hurt me. I doubt it though because im the only stupid one to sit down and read them. I just don't understand how someone can say they love you and want you to be with them and treat you like a fucking dog. Ugh yes im pissed but ive learned a lesson. Im over her and I don't care what she says because its not on me and i don't need to have people like that in my life. You know, i don't need people in my life that is going to bring me down. Ive come to far in a short period of time that im not going back. Ive overcome some of my hardest times and some of my deepest times. Its just like the blink of an eye your world is about to crash and i had to step back and look from the outside in. When i did, i saw that I was about to lose everything that ive ever known. I just don't know. What the fucking hell i was thinking by giving up on the only one that loved me for me and still loves me. I guess that ill just keep on moving up. Talk to you later blog. IM just plain stupid. im a fucking fool.. good night all.

deicated to cheryl

I have a friend named cheryl that's a true friend! One I can call for a pick me up, or she can call me for a pick me up! I've known cheryl for several years we've lost touch but since been reunited! She been someone that's seen me thru one of my lowest points in my life to the greatest points! She's stood beside me not behind me! She never let me fall and never will I let her! She's on a journey to an unknown land! She's been walking the road to lap band surgery! She's a strong woman that I see succeeding in this journey! I never want to see anyone fail! I'm not gonna let her give up hope so easy! I just got a text from sometime not sure when cause my phones been off! I tell her day in a day out that she's not fat! But just like me she has a low selfesteem! I have the I don't give a shits! She has the I know it and I do care! Now I've been big all mylife! She's an amazing woman! She's very pretty just the way she is! She has amazing eyes! I love everything about her! Yes, I'm mesmorizing over a married woman! But, that doesn't mean I want her! I gave up a long time ago on diets, and other things! I decided that if the lord wanted me skinny he would show me the way to be that way! I feel like that the lord is showing cheryl the way to being the person that she wants to be! Now, a friend once told me, christy never give up something that has an end result that u feel is a great one! I'm telling you cheryl! Your not giving up so easily! Your a strong person, get up look in mirror and say damn I look good! Tell urself that daily! Your selfesteem will get better with time! Cheryl, dust ur shoulders off, stand up, dust urself off and take a walk down that road to surgery! Ur not alone, I'm here with you every step of the way! Don't give up or in to anything! Come on girl let's go! Your my inspiration to do the same thing! I'm standing on the sideline cheering you on! Holding a sign that says you can do it! I love you girl! I'm fighting with you! Keep going!

Now, many may know that I'm a fighter that's not going down without a fight! I told missy the same thing! She had a stroke I told her to not give up! I told my friend kim that had a stroke to never give up! As long as I'm around anyone that's trying to give up I'm gonna do my best to push them on! So to whoevers reading this know that I'm not giving up hope on anyone! Not missy, kim, cheryl or myself! I was once told we are all works in progress! My blog is finished!

pain in my side

I've been hurting in my stomach a lot lately! Thursday, the pain was so intense and felt like I've never felt before! I get home and I'm crying cause its hurting so bad! I call corey in house and tell him I have to go to er because this pain is just unbearable! We leave out for er at about 430 and don't leave er until 11pm! Nurse practioner comes in they take me for a ultrasound, the I come back and they tell me I'm going for ct scan! Not ever had either one I was a little nervous! Ultra sound was weird, ct scan was weird! But anyway, ultrasound fine not gall bladder, ct scan fine not gall bladder! But they did find a cyst on my adernal gland! Not sure how longs its been there but doc told me I needed to have it checked out! So I cancelled my much needed trip to the beach to stay at home to go to doctor! To see what's up with this thing! I'm still not totally convinced it aint my gallbladder! But doc is right I guess! Then, I'm getting accused of lieing to people when I aint lied to no one! I'm freak 32 yes old since when did I have to answer to anyone! I mean damn! I don't feel I have to tell anyone anything I'm doing! Thank you! Well blog I've cleared my chest time to get ready for the day! I'm going out with my camara and takin me some random pictures! Sweet!!!!

Since my last blog I'm still floating hopelessly in the firey pits of hell! I'm looking for someone that's a great listener, doesn't tell me how to live my life, doesn't tell me what to do in my life, only gives advice when asked for, never let's my secrets out, never stops believing in me or pushing me to do better! I might be looking for and angel but mayb ill find one soon! I just don't get it, I have tons of friends but none I'd really trust my life with! I love them all dearly but can't say if I told them my true feelings they'd still be standing by me! Its gonna take someone strong enough to carry a big load! I don't have but mayb one person in my life that I feel would listen and just keep on listening! But anyway I'm tired tonight from all my searching that I'm going to bed good night blog!