End of 2015

This year has been a year of ups, downs and sideways! I've lost some friends, gained some friends and even fell in love! God granted a wish that I've prayed for, for many of years! To allow my brother and sister in law have a baby because I couldn't! He did, April 9 she was born! She wanted to scare us all by doing ballerina tricks in her momma's tummy and wrap her cord around her neck! But sbhe was healthy and we was proud of her! She's growing so fast that I feel like at times the next time I see her she will be running around! But who knows! I've lost a few friends and some I'm sad about some I'm not so sad about! But losing friends sometimes is a good thing because it just goes to show that they wasn't meant to be! But it does hurt! It hurts to know that I've shared a few things with these so called friends and they let one little thing ruin it! I also fell in love with a woman! I thought after missy I'd never find one that I could fall in love with! She's so much more than anyone else is! She makes my life so much a better place! I can't see life without her and her kids in it! But I know one day her Prince Charming will come around and I want be her girlfriend anymore! But until that day comes I'll love her and prove to her I love her in every way I can!

I've got lots of things to think about and work on in 2016! One being myself! I gotta find myself again! I gotta quit thinking everything is about me! Quit thinking that when other show emotions that they are toward me! I gotta learn to let others have emotions!! I got to quit making others feel like they have to love me! 

All my life all I've known is to run from my problems and hide my feelings! And now that I wear my feelings on my sleeve it hurts because my hopes get crashed, my feelings get hurt, my world gets turned upside down!! All I've ever wanted was for some one to love me for me, show me love, and teach me love! Corey has taught me that love is just a word, over the years he has shown me that love is what money can buy! When I told Her that if somethings ever happened to me and Corey she would be the one that I'd want to be with, what she said in return kind of let me know that she loves me, but she's not in love with me and probably will never be in love with me! I've gotta learn to accept that! I gotta learn to accept that I'm not her knight in shining armor and never will I be the one that she will be truly happy with! I keep telling myself that I'm a dumbass for doing this! I'm a shit head for falling in love with someone that will never be happy with just me! She said she has nothing to offer! She said she sees that's Corey can take me out on the town and she wouldn't ever be able too! But when I tell her that she has more to offer than she thinks she doesn't believe me! I failed again! I fucked up again! 

To end 2015 i think I'll take a bottle of crown and drink the whole thing while I'm stuck in my room and then sleep until I don't know when! Or maybe I'll just drive away and never look back! Maybe I'll just take my gun and blow my brains out! Who knows! Fuck it!  

My Love

My love

The moment i looked in your eyes

I saw hurt, pain, and anguish

The moment I hugged you I felt

The broken pieces of your heart poke me

The moment I saw you standing there 

I was like wow the beauty

I drank in your perfume

I drank in your smell

I still smell you

The moment I kissed you I felt 

The love you had deep inside of you 

I wanted more and more of you 

I can't get enough of you

When I miss you I look 

At our photos and see the smile 

On your face I see the love

I hear you saying my name and 

It melts my heart more

The love in your heart shows in your smile

Your smile makes my heart melt

I love you, my love! 

Birthday

Another year has come and another year older! It was a great day spent with Mary, Trudy, Corey and Keelen! I really enjoyed everyone being here! I loved all my gifts! They know how to make a girl feel special! I love them all! 

With each year older i like too look back and see where I was this time last year! I've learned a lot, did a lot, met some friends that's stuck around, some that left me standing, some that still hang around waiting for the next time I fail so they look like the hero! Life at times has a way of telling you when something is right, wrong, or indifferent! No matter what you have to live with your decisions and learn from mistakes! I feel a little more wiser since last year! Maybe not, but i try to think I am! 

When you lose friends, you think it's because you did something and maybe you did, but when you know you didn't and still lose friends it makes your life hard! I hate that over the past year I've lost friend that i considered my family but they used me then left! I don't get it! But that's be side the point! 

I've gained a new person in my life that I call my friend, beat friend, lover and wifey! She came at a time in my life that I needed someone to pick me up! She picked me up and carried me when I couldn't walk, lifted my spirits, has brought my smile back that everyone loves, given me reason to live! I'd lost myself before her, I'd lost who I was, I wasn't who I wanted to be! She's brought back my world she's given me the breath of air I needed! Thank you Mary! You mean me more to me than you will ever truly know! As I lay down each night I thank God for giving me you! Making you mine! Though our life's has just begun, we had a few misunderstandings! That's wig every new beginning! Here's to the rest of our lives! We shall be happy! I love you Mary! Thank you!! 

Pills!

The little things that make your feel better, relieve your headache, stomach ache, and even stress at times! Oh how I love them, i take so many that at times i feel like just taking them all at once and saying fuck it! I've given much thought to just taking about 4 norco's and 8 tramadol just to relieve my pains! Tonight my heart hurts, my body hurts, my mind hurts! I just about took all that and then some! No one knows what goes on in my fucking body, no one knows what goes on in my fucking head! I went to bed last night with my body hurting, woke up with my legs killing me, as the day went on my body still hurt but i managed to smoke some Boston butt, chuck roast, and chicken! All the while I helped Corey clear out the shrubs in the front yard! Then I came inside and thought since I had cooked the meat he would of cooked the sides but instead he came in and sat down in his chair and started watching tv! Well my tummy was upset so I was just sitting in the kitchen for a min! I go to get out corn and green beans well he doesn't like that, he wanted baked beans and corn! I sit the pans out, and I asked him to open the cans for me because I was sitting in the chair and was hurting! He smarts off and said you don't need them opened just yet! Well that made me mad because it shouldn't matter, why can't you just open the damn cans! Well I said a few choice words and he slammed the open cans on the counter and said anything else you need! He gives me the cutting board, knife and onion then throws some bacon on the cutting board! As I was cutting he onion up he said well your doing that wrong your should of put bacon in first then the onions! I said well damn excuse me I didn't know there was a correct way! So I browned the bacon and onions then poured the beans in the pan covered them and told him I had to sit down! Well I sat down in my chair and I tell him to watch the beans! And he huffs a little and said ok! As we are about to eat he said the blessing and said Thank you Lord for helping me to get through these 13 years they've been rough! Well that's kind of host me because that sounds to me like I've been a bad person! Hell I know that the 13 years have been hell at times and at times great! But I'd never said that in the blessing for the food! Then as I'm getting ready to take a shower he said I'll be back got somewhere to go! So he left when I was in shower! While in shower i thought I'd invite Mary, Trudy and her kids over next Saturday for my birthday and we have a cookout and bonfire! But Mary and her family have plans to go look at Christmas lights so now I'm gonna make other plans might just run off to tunica for the night and get wasted! But I'm not mad or upset with her because she doesn't have much time to spend with her family because she works night shift! I've actually encouraged her to spend time with them! As i laid down tonight I forgot to take my pills so I got back up and took them along with a few more than normal! Maybe I'll feel no pain and will just be so out of it that'll I'll sleep all night! Peace, Love and fucked yo! 

Thinking about you!

Give me one minute of your time and I'll make it the best minute of your day! Give me the few moments of your life and I'll try to make them the best! Give me one kiss and I'll cherish it for ever! Give me one hug and I'll never wash my shirt again! Give me one look and I'll never wipe it from my mind! Take one picture and I'll post it where I can see it daily! Give me you and I'll love you forever! Be my best friend and I'll be yours! Be my ear to hear and I'll be yours, be my voice when I can't speak and I'll be yours! Be my legs when I can't walk, and I'll be yours when I can! Be my shoulder when I need one and I'll always be yours! No love ever is perfect but my love for you is unconditional! I love you Mary Christina Odle! 

Give me three steps towards the door

Since it posted before I was done here is full version:

Yea you know that song, your singing it right now! It's been around for a long time! Remember my mom listening to it! But, that's truly not what this blog is about! But the first step to anything, is admitting your lost, broken, and need a little guidance! But the admitting your lost is the harder of the others because not everyone feels they are lost! I was lost once, twice, three times and the three steps helped me find my self!  The door was opened I just had to enter! But, since I've found myself I've found someone that needed me just as much as I needed her! I left on Tuesday going to tunica with her and had the time of my life! She's so much fun to be around! We laughed, cried, hugged and just helped each other release some past pains! The laughs turned to tears but happy tears, the tears turned to openness that's helped us get past the past and look towards the future! Sometimes when life throws us under the bus so to speak, you have to have that one person that can pick up the pieces and help you move on!  But at times we need to catch ourselves and really think about our future! I see lots more memories, more laughs, more cries, and more fun times! 

Missing someone hurts so bad at times all you can do is cry, weep and wish you was there with them! Tonight I needed to be in 3 places at one time! I have one friend talking Suicide, one needing a shoulder to cry on and just needing to be at home! Ones in Florida can't get to her, all I can do is pray she's ok! The other is at work, sitting with an older lady, and really has a heavy heart! She needed my shoulder to lean on! Then just needing to be at home! Home is where your heart should be! But tonight my heart was two other places! But I hope both of them know I love them and would do what ever to help them both! 

Next random shit I want to write about is my 13th wedding anniversary is coming up! So what does he buy me? A foot pedicure thing because he said my feet look ugly and needs help! When I asked him what he bought himself he said nothing yet but I figured I'd treat myself to a movie on Sunday which is our anniversary! But I don't care let him go! He Deserves it! I might make him a homemade card but I don't know! He's not the romantic type! 

Next up is just that I made something for my friend Mary and she loved it! I made something for him and he said nothing! She thanked me, and said she loved it and no one had ever made anything for her! It made my heart smile so damn big because she appreciated my homemade work! Thank you Mary!

I know this blog is random as hell, just my mind is in a million places! Ugh! Peace! Fuck this it's a fucked up mess already! 

Give me three steps towards the door

Yea you know that song, your singing it right now! It's been around for a long time! Remember my mom listening to it! But, that's truly not what this blog is about! But the first step to anything, is admitting your lost, broken, and need a little guidance! But the admitting your lost is the harder of the others because not everyone feels they are lost! I was lost once, twice, three times and the three steps helped me find my self!  The door was opened I just had to enter! But, since I've found myself I've found someone that needed me just as much as I needed her! I left on Tuesday going to tunica with her and had the time of my life! She's so much fun to be around! We laughed, cried, hugged and just helped each other release some past pains! The laughs turned to tears but happy tears, the tears turned to openness that's helped us get past the past and look towards the future! Sometimes when life throws us under the bus so to speak, you have to have that one person that can pick up the pieces and help you move on!  

Forgot photos for last blog

Smoking turkey

Last night I put a whole turkey in a brine to rest all night! This am I stuffed it with a green apple, celery, fresh rosemary, onion and I brushed it with melted butter and thyme! I also prepared a beef roast wrapped in bacon with red pepper and brown sugar! My first time using the big smoker, I've smoked a few things on the grill but I'm in love with this thing! The roast had a nice smoke ring, the bacon was great! I let my friend Mary try it and she was blown away! Then I took my turkey off and it had the right amount of color, the right smoke flavor and the wing I tried was so juicy it was almost falling off the bone! While I was cooking Mary was dusting, mopping, and sweeping my house to make it smell better! 

She had her son with her and he played the wii then played in the hammock! We got a chance to talk and catch up on life! She's been the light I needed in my life! She came into my life at a dark time and she may never know It but she saved me! I was depressed, sad, lonely, lost and needed help! She helped me, she kept me sane! I can't thank her enough for the things she's done for me! I gave her something today that well it was mine at one time and I found it and gave it to her! I hope she wears it and remembers the day she came in my life! 

Photos above are the start to finish of my meat And a few of me and Mary being crazy and her son 

Longing?

Long time ago I blogged just about daily, then I just quit blogging then I started back! Tonight's post is longing? What are you longing for? What has you wanting more? What could make your day better? Is it a hug from someone special? Is it a phone call from the one you love, a text? Longing means wanting, hoping, wishing! So if you say I'm longing for the day I'm alone with that person that's captured my heart! I'm longing for the day that I'm alone with you! Alone with your body, mind and spirit! I'm longing for the little moments, the little things that mean nothing to no one but me! The way you smile, the way you laugh! It's all those little moments! One day when I least expected it you walked into my life and now I long for you! I wish to be with you, I hope to make you smile! I'm wanting you more and more! The little messages make my heart beat fast, the little phone calls make my heart beat fast! It's something that I had lost for a while! Like my life has gotten stagnant! I was just living, I wasn't smiling, I wasn't laughing I was just here! Since that day it's been all up hill except I miss those moments we had! But then moments like today while shopping a remark was made that made me think back as to why my life was stagnant! The remark brought back the reasons why I'm not happy at times and the reason why I stay depressed at times! But I thought of you and all the pissed offness went away! I looked back at some photos that made me smile even when I was ready to cry! I'm learning to live again! Learning to be happy again! And it makes others not trust me! It makes others accuse me of things! But the thing is that trust was broken and it's never been regained when it should of been! As I got home and sat down I looked at more photos and thought more about you and smiled so big! I watched our favorite football team whip the hell out of LSWho! It made my night that much more sweeter! Seeing you today briefly made me smile too! I was floating on cloud 10 because cloud 9 was taken! I jumped from cloud to cloud until I got knocked off briefly! When I hug you it's like a Fourth of July fireworks show going off! When we kiss it's like my world gets turned upside down! I get weak in the knees, my heart races, my mind wonders, my body longs for more! I'm falling deeply in love with you! It doesn't scare me that I am it excites me! I long for you! I ache for you, I want you, I love you! I love every inch of you, from the finest hair on your head to the bottom of your beautiful feet! The more I want you the more I hope that you want me the same! At times I think what if? What if I wasn't married would you be mine for ever? What if I wasn't disabled and can't do much would you be mine for ever? What if? It's a big statement and a bold statement! Longing for! What are you longing for? What are your hoping for? What are you wanting? What are you wishing for? You might never answer those questions, I can only hope, wish, want and long for you too! Hope to see you soon! Kiss you, hold you, hug you and be with you! 

Wow!!

Ever have that feeling that something so good could be happening right before your eyes? When I got a simple friends request on Facebook I didn't know the woman, but we had a mutual friend in common and we both was Ole Miss Fans! I stalked her page for a few days trying to figure out who she was like I do anyone that friend request me! I found a woman with 3 kids, a daughter and 2 sons! I sent her a private message and I asked her a couple of questions which I could tell she was a little scared but hell who wouldn't be! As days went on and time passed we finally met and a friendship emerged! A friendship that I cherish every minute of! It's amazing when your at your darkest moment God slips someone in your life and that person needed you too! We have so many things in common from our past hurts to some of the same likes and dislikes! I know that Corey wasn't gonna trust me because we became fast friends but I've not given him reason to distrust me so I think he knows! He said to me that as long as she's not trying to take me away from him then he's ok with it! It's nice to have that person you can talk to and spend a few mins with and they understand you! Thanking God for her! I've seen her blossom to a beautiful flower! I've laughed at her so much that I was hurting the other day!! But a day with laughter is better than a day with tears! Thank you Mary!

So much has gone on since my last blog i don't even know where to begin! I've realized that Suicide isn't an option and that living like on the wild side is fun! I also know that sometimes it takes a lot to be a good person! And I've learned that I'll be the last to know anything from my family! But it's ok I've been black sheep for so long that my black is gray! When I left my mothers home in August of 2001 I left there knowing id never go back only for holidays! I've stayed true to my word, I ain't been back but for holidays! Yes I still long for that love that she gives my brother and sister but i also know that I'll never get it! I still long for that day that she calls me and ask me to go out with her without my sister! I still long for that day that she tells me she loves me and actually means it! I may never see it! I've gotten to the point I've given up trying! I got blessed out from her over a photo that I posted and I told her then that if not call her she had to call me, I'd not drive down to see her she would have to drive to see me, and she even told me she'd never share anything else with me! That's fine because what happens in my life doesn't need to be spoken to anyone that doesn't give two shits about me! I've give her all I can give or all I will give! It hurts to know that the middle child sometimes gets the bad end of the deal! All my life all I wanted was love! All my life all I got was thrown away! So when your thrown away one to many times you finally learn your lesson! As i lay here with tears I my eyes and running down my cheek, I feel the need to just hope and pray that I see her in heaven! I hope that she's asked the Lord to forgive her! I hope that my father has done the same! May they both get the judgement that they deserve and I know I'm not living perfectly and I'm ready for my judgment! Life has its way of making you see the good in others, the bad in others, and the truth in others! But I'm going to bed with a smile because I know that someone loves me out there! Peace

Wow long time ago

Its been since the 21st of December last year that I've posted anything! A lot has happened since then! Christmas Eve we found out that we was getting a niece due in April! The new year came in and things was going great! April 9, 2015 my niece decided that she was gonna be a ballerina and wrap her cord around her neck and cause her heart rate to drop! So as I was sitting there in L&D room with Rhonda and Scott! I was overwhelmed with joy, worry, and trying to stay strong for them both! I paused for a min and prayed to God to take control, keep Elly Mae safe, keep Rhonda safe and give Scott the strength to hold on! The wheeled Rhonda out with Scott in tow!! Tears started rolling down my face, my heart stopped for a min! But I held it all together with Gods help! Pauline Rhonda's mom should up and then dad and carol showed up! I was doing my best to hold it all together! Then Scott came out with my beautiful niece! She was so precious! I wanted to just hug her and kiss her! We left out of waiting room and I lost it! I just hugged my husband as tight as I could! The nurse said her cord was wrapped 4 times around her neck! But momma and baby was great! Scott was excited and a proud poppa! Then my mom and heather showed up and they revealed her name! I'd called her Elly Mae in honor of Elly Mae clampett who died! Her name is Elizabeth Kathryn Palmertree born at 3:38pm April 9, 2015 19in long 7lbs 14oz she had big feet! And was beautiful! Attached are pictures from the past month!  

2014

Seems like yesterday 2014 was coming in and 2013 was going out! The days go by quicker it seems every year! I don't know why they seem that way now but they do! In a few days it'll be CHRISTmas day! Another day for some and for some it's a day to remember the reason for the season!! Christ! As my year ends looking back I've seen things, done things and regretted things! But one things for sure 2015 will be here before I know it! 2014 has scared me at times, made me laugh, cry and even wanna give up! I'm still here to tell my story and that's a great thing! Some days through out this year I've wanted nothing more than to lay down and tell all to fuck off! But I didn't! Now as the year closes I see that I'm proud im still here for one more year! Never has a year been so hard on me physically as this year has! I'm not sure I can take much more physical pain as I have this year! Here's to a better year physically and mentally! Hoping that the new year will give me new insight and a better out look on life!! Happy 2015!

Good enough

today it's hit me that I might not be good enough for anything anymore! Daily I struggle to find peace and understanding in how things are and how things should be!! Today while walking around the grocery store I realized that my life isn't the way I want it to be! I can't walk hardly without having to sit down! I can't even make it to bathroom with out peeing my clothes! I can't even love my husband without pain! No matter how hard I try the more I try the more I feel lost the more I feel like giving up!! The more I feel like saying fuck it! I know that I can't give up because too many want me to keep fighting but while I'm fighting are they cheering me on or trying to tell me to stop! I feel as if I've gone as far as I can go! My body is dead my soul is dying and my mind is wasting! I'll be gone soon don't cry then and don't cry now! 

Standing alone in a sea of people that's how I feel! I feel like no one sees me but everyone is looking right at me!! My body hurts to the point I'm ready to end it all! The thoughts are so before me that I see it all coming to an end!! I know it's the devil but God is there somewhere I know! I've begged, pleaded and cried out but no one sees it! No one knows what's really going on! When your head says do it but your heart says no don't I try to lean with my heart! But right now in the mass of people my heart is saying do it! Life isn't a road of least traveled it's a road of well traveled paths to no where! That's my mind! My mind is racing with ways to peacefully go with out anyone knowing! My body is yearning for the time to be pain free! My soul is for the taking but I don't want it to be taken wrong! My thoughts are worthless in this moment but they are what I try to keep to myself! I've said more than I should and I should just turn my life over to the lab rats! Maybe they could use my useless body for something! Because it's truly only keeping me here! It's nothing to me but a box of bones and tools used against me! My inner workings aren't what they should be! But my tools within are worn out and my mind is still trying to tell them to keep working! I'm begging God to take me away from this all and praising him for keeping me here! Maybe my pain is to testify for others that he doesn't put more on us than we can stand! But right now the devil is saying yes he does and your at your limit! The fighter in me is still fighting by the hair on my chin but the fighter at some point soon is gonna go down with no fight left! My fighter is slowly taken all it can take! It's do or die time and die time is more visible than the do time! My mind is blurry and it's slowly taking the turn towards the other side! If I shall die before I wake then who ever reads this know that I didn't do it intentionally but God finally listened and took the fighter home! I love you all! To Corey thank you for loving me, holding me and being my rock! To the rest of my family I love you all! To my unborn niece or nephew I love you too! Grow up to make me proud sorry I didn't get to see it! My the rest of you live your life to the fullest and may you never endure the pain I've endured in such a short life! To my friends that still stood by me thank you and may you keep my dream alive of always smiling thru it all' peace 

Post long over due

Two weeks ago today I walked into north mississippi medical center headed for elbow surgery! I was a nervous wreck, but I made it thru surgery just fine as I knew I would because I have God on my side he was there with me every step of the way! He watched over the doctor and nurses and held me tight! I couldn't ask for a more caring doctor than the one that did my surgery! Will blog more later 

Answers

Defined as words to a question! You might say what was the question well the question was what surgery is best for a bummed up elbow? The answer is simple open surgery where they go in and chop away or chip away the bone that well arthritis has taken a hold of! So, tonight I might rest well knowing that life has an answer! I'll do what I can to make it the best I can! Thinking about the previous post and going with that theme again seems real right now! The answer to depression, defeat, hopelessness, helplessness and despair isn't suicide as we all might want it to be! The answer lies within ourselves, it's within our hearts, souls, minds and bodies! The answer is LIFE WITHOUT FEAR! The fear is knowing that you won't ever be whole, ever be well, and ever be the person you are when you fake the smile! Sadly the answer for most is ending it makes my life better when really it makes others lives living hell! Your mother hurts if she's a real mother to you,  cries daily, asks God why, says what could I, what if I, and so on! She wants answers, but really down deep inside she knows the true answer, she knows but sometimes it's hard to admit! She didn't do anything wrong, she was your biggest supporter wanted nothing but the best for you! Most mothers are like that I'd say! Your father might hurt if he was a real father to you if he's not then he feels nothing at all! He hurts, he cries, he ask why, what if, what could I done! The answer is he did all he could, he gave you what you needed to survive, he taught you to enjoy life! A wife/husband will hurt if they are truly a real wife/husband, anyone can marry you but not all love you deeply, if they do they hurt, they cry, they wanna hide, they wanna join you but the answer might lie in how they spent the last few days with you! If you end it after a fight, or after a long day or year of depression then they can be part of the cause! Not saying all are but so many have chosen suicide over a man or woman! It's sad to know that another human can drive you so far off the cliff and alter your mind so much that the depression is so unbearable! I know it happens to me sometimes! After a little altercation with Corey I wanna just end it because I think in my depressed mind that he'd be better off when really he won't be! He will be devastated just like the rest of my family! I'm a survivor, I'm a fighter, I'm a daughter, sister, wife, cousin, niece, daughter in law and friend to so many that I know wouldn't want me gone no matter how much I think it's for the best! The answer is staring you in the face it's called Love your life, your only given one so live it to the fullest suicide isn't living your life to the fullest it's ending your life before you got to see your own child grow, before you got to see that sister marry, that mother hold your child and so on! No matter the darkest moment your in please don't give up just yet! Let God decide when your time is up! Take it from me a person who fights a battle with her mind daily to get up, move, laugh, cry, raise Cain and be a bad b at times! But you know I still got one more fight left, one more round left, one more memory to make left, and one more breath to take before I'm down! You do too, at this moment you might not think so but you do! Remember the answer is looking you in the face! Family, friends, coworkers, even a stranger might need you to show them that it's ok to live and suicide isn't the answer! Never allow the answer to fade from you and don't stop loving yourself, and don't stop loving the ones that truly love you! Brothers, sisters, daughters, mothers, and so on no matter how bad you think your life is remember someone is loving you more than you know! One more thing, I've done in my life that is a tool of coping is hiding the scars of my heart, hiding behind my smile, hiding behind the shirts I wear! It's hard seeing the scars and knowing that everyone is worth it and everyone is a living proof my time isn't up! The mark on my arm from cutting, the mark on my stomach from cutting, the marks internal from the pills are all proof that you can survive no matter how hard it might seem! I know your wondering why I cut my stomach because I was hiding my scars and I knew that it wasn't the right spot but it relieved the pain in my mind for a split second! The taste of metal in my mouth from the gun is still visible today because once you taste it it's a taste you'll never forget! Yes you see life is worth living because there's so much out there to experience for the first time, so much to live for! And so much to strive for! Goal after goal is another notch on my belt in the battle to defeat this monster called DEPRESSION!!!  You too can battle with me and every day above ground is another notch, another goal to mark off! Lastly, thank you for a mother that played both roles, she and I might not see eye to eye but she did teach me to never give up, thank you to a father that taught me that things aren't always as they seem, to my brother who taught me to live life on the wild side then settle down, to a sister that's taught me no matter what battle I'm fighting to keep on fighting, to my husband who I love dearly at times and other times wonder why I married him that taught me to keep going, to keep moving and to always tell when something needs to been done, to my awesome counselor who I should of found about 20 years ago That taught me to let go, take back my life and  not allow anyone the pleasure of controlling it, to my many stepmom's that's taught me to know when to hold on and know when to run!! To my stepmom carol that's taught me to never give up on something that I truly want! To my stepsister that's taught me to fight for the right to party, but really taught me to love myself, to my stepbrother thats taught me to not do things that will get you in trouble and to my many many friends that's taught me to love others the way I want others to love me and that no matter what it's ok to cry, scream, Hang up the phone and even apologize for all the above and still have that shoulder when I need it and that ear when I need it! Thank you all! I wouldn't be living this dream, this life or living today with out your love, support and cheers! May this story help another person that's thinking SUICIDE is the way out! Actually it's truly not, GOD is the way! Peace!! 

Long time gone

Writing this tonight hurts more than any other blog I've written! Physically, mentally and emotionally! Suicide awareness week day month year what ever you wanna call it! I'm a survivor in more ways than you might know my first attempt was in 7th grade when I was being called, fat ugly, 2x4, and other words! I cut my wrist in hopes of a quick easy death to get away from the pain and bullying! It didn't work that way I saw the blood and like most I freaked out! I washed my arm and wrapped it in toilet paper and applied pressure to make it stop! Luckily, I wasn't smart enough to know where to cut because the place I cut wasn't the right spot! The second time I tried was right after I confronted my dad about molesting me in front of my stepmom! I was hurt, I was willing to crash anyone and everyone in my path! I took a hand full of pills but I didn't take the right kind because all these did was make me sleep! No one knows what a person has gone through, is going through to cause them to think they aren't worth living! The thoughts cross my mind more than I want to admit! Every time I've attempted I never told anyone 1 because when you reach the end you don't want anyone talking you out of it, 2. I felt as if, if I was gone then everyone would be happy, not thinking of others but thinking of myself! 3. When I'm gone I wouldn't hurt anymore, i wouldn't be stuck in a room with no light anymore! No matter what others think when a depressed person is down they are down! There's no magical cure, no magic pill, no magic healing can take place! Crying is a release as well as feelings of suicide! Until you walk in a persons shoes that's stuck in a hole with no light, no life and daily struggles to try and stay alive then don't judge that person, don't talk about that person and lastly don't ever tell that person to snap out of it! There's no snapping out of it, no shaking it off and no just walking away! It's not that easy, daily I struggle to get up, I do though as my day progresses on I feel a weight pulling me down and making me feel lost, hopeless, helpless and defeated! Depression is an illness that has no cure, alcohol numbs the pain, drugs numbs the pain but when your not drunk, drugged the pain can be so unbearable that death is your only avenue! This week I'm living proof that suicide could of been the answer because yea I've thought about it, I've wanted nothing more than to just end it, I wanted to do it in a way that I wouldn't hurt not one second! I wanted it to end quickly and shooting myself is the easiest way! I'd never do it to where anyone would have to see the remains and be reminded daily I'd do it somewhere that wouldn't be noticed! Talking with my awesome counselor today I told her I'm ready to give up, she told me that so many are pulling for me, cheering me on! I know they are but the giving up feeling is greater than the feeling of being loved at times! Giving up is easier for someone like me that their past is a vast resemblance of the future! Pain, sadness, hopelessness, feeling of not wanted has been my past and as I type this at times I think it's my future too! I love you all and please don't be the next victim of this depression crime! Live through my story of survival and love yourself and respect yourself to not put your family through the pain of remembering you this way! Suicide is easy for you but hell for others! Depression is hell for you but easy for others! If your depressed please seek help, if your suicidal please seek help! If you know someone that's attempted, thought, spoke or hinted then please reach out to them! Because you never know what a person truly feels behind that fake smile, behind those bright eyes! I've faked my smile for so long it hurts to actually smile for real! I've hide my pain for so long that others think I'm faking when I'm being honest! Faking is like suicide easy to do! No one knows so no one understands! You are the only answer to life's problems! Your life is yours to live but try and live it with a real smile, a real answer! I love you!  

The long Goodbye

Laying here feeling like it's time to say good bye, my life isn't worth living, isn't worth the pain that I'm in! Why must I go through this daily to just wake up the same as I went to bed! My mind races, my body aches, my heart beats loudly but my soul says it's too late! Living in a lie day in and day out has brought me to the point of no return and to the end of my rope! I see the bottom of this hole slowly getting closer! What must I do, how can I stop it from reaching up and grabbing me! I see it and I'm within a few millimeters of hitting bottom I've been here before and i feel it's the best place for me! This bottomless pit is my new bed, my new life, my new everything it's the only place I find comfort, the only place I find peace and the only place dark enough not to see myself! Looking thru the hole at the top the light is getting dimmer and soon it'll go out! This life isn't the life I wanted and isn't the life I feel i should of been given! The day my father took my innocence away was the day I died as a child! He caused this and maybe if I end it he will finally admit that he's the cause of this! I don't want you to shed a tear over my body if you didn't shed a tear while I was living above the hole! Don't enter my hole hoping to pull me free because this pit is my only safe place! Leave me here for the world to see what it's like to be in a state of despair and confusion and hurt! If only my father hadn't taken my life so long ago is still be here today! Depression won another battle and hell will gain another body to the despair of the innocence that's been taken! Shall you see this I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you bye but remember I'll always love you! To Corey who caused this tonight just because he didn't want to listen to me speak my mind about suicide now he sees what I was saying! Suicide is the only answer when no one cares anymore! So long my friends! May you all live long and may my life left some imprint in yours but don't allow my death to cause you any pain! Don't cry, but laugh, don't weep but smile and don't morn but rejoice that I hurt no more!  

Been a while

This blog is one I've wrote a few times before, but tonight it hit me again! The passing of Robin Williams to the monster called suicide has kept me awake thinking if all the times I've thought, or tried! Once a person reaches a point of no return there and they feel the only way out is suicide there is no helping this person! Because once a person reaches that stage it's too late, they won't reach out they won't ask for help because their mind is made that the only cure is death! Not caring who they hurt, who they leave behind and not caring why they are doing it they just know it's best! Suicide is an easy way out for so many that can't fight the fight any longer! The battle has been won by the defeated person and death is the answer! Sadly, the ones left behind to pick up the pieces are worse off than the one that ended it all! No pills, no drugs, no one can stop a person that's truly got his/her mind set! So many say I wish they would of reached out but I know from experience that when that time comes reaching out isn't on your mind! Personally attempts are the equitation to asking for help! Because if you attempt and fail you failed on purpose because you really wanted someone to help you! The consequences after the attempt shows you that you wasn't really trying! Sadly though the person that attempts and succeeds is the one that might of reached for help time and time and no one took the hints that was laid before them! We as humans sometimes hint and hint but no one believes us until it's too late! Depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse and so on are all reasons why someone might choose suicide! But suicide isn't the answer but really is there a true answer? Some say that if that person would of talked to someone then they'd still be here today! Some say they should of been on medicine to control it. Some say they never say any signs of anything that might of caused this. Point is every person that's thought about suicide has left signs, left clues, left hints, left notes and lastly probably is taking medicine, or talking to a counselor, or even spent time in mental health places! With none of those being the answer they was looking for! So in their mind the only answer is suicide! Suicide can happen to the best of us! It can happen to the ones that look great on the outside but dying inside! The smile, the laughter, the jokes and so on are just for show! They don't show you what's really going on down deep inside! Personally, my smiles and my laughter daily sometimes is to hide the pain the heartbreak the past and even the present state my mind is in! Daily I struggle with PTSD, anxiety, depression and the list goes on! Daily I put a smile on to hide the tears, the pain the want to die feeling! Daily I try to move on like a normal person but I'm dying inside! Daily the thought of just giving up and ending it sometimes seems to be the only way to not hurt to not want to cry and to not want to be alive! But daily I try my best to make the best of the time I have here! But if anyone truly knew what I struggle with day in and day out they could see the pain, the struggle in my eyes and see that my smile is fake! The life I was given isn't the life I would of chose if I'd had a choice! I'd not been diagnosed with RA in 2006, would not of had to quit a job that I truly loved most days in 2010 and I wouldn't be seeing a counselor for my past! All those things wouldn't be if I'd had my choice but it wasn't my choice it was the life I was given! I embrace my past as a stepping stone to my future! Past hurts, past heartaches, past headaches, past bruises are all just a step towards what is yet to come! When the day comes and I leave this earth will be the best day of my life! I'll look back and see what it took to get me to this point and when I'm standing before The Lord for my judgment I truly hope that I see the judgment of the one/s that has caused me to feel like suicide was the answer! Luckily, I have some great supporters, prayer warriors, friends and family that's help keep me a float in the ocean of sharks! They've been there when no one else was, when I truly felt the only way out was the same way that Robin Williams felt today when he ended his life! As you see suicide can happen to anyone, it doesn't care if your rich, famous, poor, homeless, or healthy it can happen to anyone! I challenge you all to always stop and ask someone that might look sad or smiling but you can see that it's not real, ask them are they ok! Let them know your there for them! Reach out to them because so many will not reach out to you!