I Remember......

Reading this book at the end of the memories chapter it said to write about what I remember about my childhood! 

Looking back as far as I can remember I lived with my dad part time and my mom part time! She drink all the time and at the time my dad was married to my first stepmom and she had a child so I stayed with my mom and we lived in Sherman just right passed Martha and Tommy Hudson and on the same road as Mavis! Every weekend seemed like we was always down at Mavis' house full of people drinking and partying!! Then when it would be my dad's weekend my mom would drop us off at my dad's house on Bryan dr in tupelo! His wife Emily didn't really care about me and my brother and would sometimes make us stay outside all day only to go in house to use bathroom! That's when I started having trouble making it to the bathroom so I would wet my pants sometimes! Her way of punishing me was to make me wear pants in the summer and take my shorts away!! Then when my mom would have us if we wasn't at Mavis' house she was pushing me off on Martha Hudson then when Margie and mark moved back to mississippi she would put me off on them!! Sometimes Friday night I wouldn't see my mom until late Sunday afternoon! So all weekend long I'd be away from her! Then I remember my dad saying something about he was mad at my mom for drinking around us kids and so we moved in with my dad and Emily! At first it seemed to be going fine then I remember they made me wear this diaper thing that would beep when I wet the bed cause I was such a hard sleeper! And that's when dad would come in my room to wake me and change out the diaper thing! I was about 8 or 9 I'd say! Then we moved with dad and Emily to the next street over and soon after that move my dad started coming in my room and getting in bed with me! He would finger me, make me suck his dick, then times he would get up on top of me and penetrate me! I would cry and tell him to stop and he would say this is what daddy's do to there daughters I didn't know any better because I was so young so I believed him! Then one Saturday morning my stepmom walked in my room and caught my dad on top of me! She left a few days after that and never told anyone! Dad would always tell. Me and my brother that it was our fault she left! Then that summer my brother and I was at my moms and she had moved to water valley to be close to my grandmother and was living in the back yard of my aunt Pam's house in a trailer and Scott came into my room and was making me suck his dick and my mother walked in on him and told Scott that that was wrong! I also told my mom what my dad had done and she never said a word! Then she pulled me out of school and made me move with her! I guess that's her way of taking me away from him! But that didn't matter cause on the weekends he would touch me and make me take baths with him and even bribed me with baseball cards and also told me that the more I did to him then I'd get more baseball cards! So then my mom decided that one summer she would send me to stay with my dad for 2 wks cause she didn't want me around! In 1989 my half sister was born and in 1992 I moved back with my mom! So that's when it finally quit or almost quit! Dad married Jacque and he started drinking really heavy and the weekends I would be there he was drinking and most of the time ignored me! I vaguely remember him coming in to my room one time during that! My mom moved around a lot during 1989-1992 cause I have a vague memory of her living in Oxford close to my dad's mom! And I remember my brother telling me to jack him off one day while my mom was at work! But I was still living with my dad at that time soon after that I moved In with mom! When sister was born it was like my mom pushed her off on me and made me grow up at the age of 12 and it was hard to raise a child that's not mine and don't know what the hell too do!! And as I was raising my sister my mom was drinking and running around I remember her having a few men and never care about her kids! A memory just came up and i was probably about 8 or 9 when my mom would let Mavis keep me while she worked and Mavis would put me in the bed with her and I remember waking up with her hand between my legs and caressing my legs then she would make me rub her between her legs and touch her! I remember telling my grandmother about all this and she never told anyone and she went to her grave not saying anything! I remember cutting myself during my high school years! And then I started college and started drinking and smoking cigs but never started drugs then I started working my senior year in high school cause my mom said I was old enough to work then I best find a job or get out! I worked until 2001 and that's when I got fed up with my mom and my grandmother died! So I called my dad and new stepmom carol and they told me to come move in with them! So I did! I was scared at first but dad never did anything else to me but I was old enough to kick him now! When I moved out my mom told me to go live with my asshole father and be stuck up his ass! The day I left I wrote her a note that said your a worthless mother and I won't ever be back! Never moved back! Started dating a guy names Randy but also was searching for a female but never found one! Then me and randy broke up and I met Corey and the rest is history! But he's asked me to do things that I just can't do! I can't suck his dick! When we have sex sometimes I have to think that it's a female cause the thought of sex sometimes makes me sick!! I remember being abused and it hurts me and I've shed so many tears over all this! And it needs to be out! I will work to help spread the word!! 

Man crush Monday

Wordless Wednesday

Whew

This morning I had my counseling appt and I must say I love her! She's so easy and she just listens and is trying to help me work on things that I need to work on! This road I've blocked out for a very long time! It's hard to even begin to relive it again! After that I came home and picked up where I left off on putting all my braves baseball cards in the computer! And that's a task! Then this afternoon Corey got off early and wanted to go over to his moms to bush hog the property so we could see a deer when we try to deer hunt soon! It was so growed up you couldn't see nothing if it walked in front of you! Then had church! And I'm really thankful for good friends like Missy who has stood by me, pushed me, listened to me, and even held me why I cried! And all the hell I've put her thru she's still stood there for me! I can't begin to thank her enough! And Debbie who in the past year has been there for me too! Friends like that makes a girl happy! 

First squirrel hunt!!

Today I went on my first squirrel hunt with Corey! We had a great day and although I didn't see or shot a squirrel but Corey did! I did ride the 4 wheeler and had fun! Then we started home and he stopped by Walmart to get dog food and a few things! We get home I get my clothes off and all of a sudden the feeling of throwing up overwhelmed me! I can't even eat supper cause the feeling is there even the smell of it has caused me to wanna puke! Well I know this blog shouldn't be about throwing up but it did happen and I just took some phengeran and hope I feel better when I wake up! I just don't understand why all of a sudden I feel like this! Ugh! Well blog it's been a good day! Going to bed peace 

Coping!

Upon reading the book that my counselor asked me to read called The Courage To Heal: A guide for women survivors of child sexual abuse! It's got a writing section after each chapter and the first one was effects and this one is coping! I've used alcohol to cope, I've ran from my problems, I've even isolated myself from others as a way to cope with the abuse and pain I've been thru! This blog has seen first hand how I've raged out of control cause of this abuse! Alcohol eased the pain for a bit, then when it quit working I got back into collecting baseball cards and I blew $$$ on them then I tried gambling and that eased the pain! Then I'd drink more and more and then I'd consume myself with my job I was all about the job I wanted to know more do more and best I could be! The other way I coped was cheating on my husband with other women! While I was women I was in control of my life! I controlled them I controlled everything! Then when I finally realized only one your hurting is your husband and that your running from the problem! At times just haven't read but 2 chapters and the more I read the more I see myself in every bit of it! It's almost unbelievable how much I see myself! There are something's that sound just like me just like the person that's done all that!! The only thing I haven't done is drugs! I was addicted to energy drinks, and collecting baseball cards! I've since left the drinks alone and I still collect just not like I was! I don't waste my last dollar on baseball cards like I was! As the book goes on I feel the anger and rage building in me! And it talks about that if you don't feel that then your not ready to heal! I'm more than ready! 

The Effects

The abuse I endured is still felt daily because I hate myself, I hate my life! I feel like that I'm good for nothing but sex that's all that it seems anyone wonts from me! It's caused me to run from the only person that's loved me my husband it's also caused me to think of others when we have sex and I have lots of flashbacks when we have sex! Sadly it hurts deep inside to have sex! I feel limited in my life cause I can't seem to get passed the pain and how he still denies it and said that I was lying and how my mom never believes me or done anything about it and I think it caused me not to be able to go farther in college cause I was always told I wouldn't ever be successful and I was stupid! I still blame myself for it and I will always! Over time I've tried to be strong and develop strengths in knowing that one day he will get his judgment and so will my mom and brother as well! Ive tried to live in the lonely world hidden from all and left to deal with things! I seem to use the best coping skills I can but at times I don't feel like I really know how to cope! My strengths are being able to live and not kill myself! I've tried but luckily I didn't succeed! I've asked to be taken away and never to live another day but I'm still here! One day I'll be whole and one day I'll be the woman I was suppose to be! And I won't let this abuse cause me anymore pain!