Wind blowing

Sitting outside before the storms roll in, listening to the wind blow, dogs bark, train roll through, and kids getting off school bus! It takes me back to a time not long ago well maybe it is long ago! A time when I was sitting on my grandmother front porch with her! Talking about soap operas or just life in general! It makes me miss her more and more but I know I have an angel in heaven that's been watching me since 2001 when she gained her wings! It's amazing how much I reflect back on that's happened since that day and how much I wish I could just take a trip to see her and just hear her voice one more time! I know she's walking and probably already fattened up everyone up in heaven with her home cooking and cakes! Life seemed so simple back then and now it seems so complicated at times that it feels like I might never do enough to make anyone proud! At time it seems like all the good I do no one notices but I mess up one time and it last in there minds forever! I might never be the perfect person anyone wants me to be but I am who I am and I'll always be me! Learning to control my anger has been my biggest challenge in my life! Learning to direct it where it goes and not at who is standing in from of me has been hard! Life sometimes throws rocks, stones, oranges, lemons and you name it at me! But I've learned that you have to accept what's thrown and just move on! Not hard for some but for me it's been hell! All my life I've been a fighter for something I've wanted! But then you know now I feel like giving up! It's not worth it anymore why keep on! That's when I think about how much fight my grandmother gave and how much she taught me to keep going no matter how much it hurt or how bad I felt! So what do I do! I keep going! I push thru I keep pushing until every once of energy is gone! Yea I'm not one to quit and I'm not about to start now! Wind blowing and birds chirping thank you lord for a glorious day! 

Unhappy Valentines day

Today the day that most people show the world tell there significant other just how much they love them! Do something special out of the ordinary and make them feel as if they are wanted! Well, I did just that last night I couldn't sleep for thinking of a way to show Corey that it came from the heart! I got up at 8 am and started working on a card handmade by me! I worked hard coming up with what to say and how to word it and stuff and just a little something to say hey I might not show it daily but I really do down deep inside of me love you! He walks in door empty handed and first laughs at the card but some parts was funny and I say did you see the two notes and all I did for you? He said no I guess I didnt! He reads the note and says aww baby I love you and acted like he was gonna cry! That made me tear up! I didn't think anything about him not bring me something into living room I thought well he's got it in kitchen and it'll be a surprise! So I get up and I write out the check for camper payment and he says something about going to eat and I said yea that's fine but that's a given every Friday we go to lunch! Still thinking I'm gonna walk in kitchen and there's gonna be my surprise! So I turn to him and I say where's my valentines surprise? He said I thought I'd take you to lunch and we would go see that movie I wanna see! I didn't pick you up anything! Devastated was an understatement to the overwhelming feeling I felt! It truly felt like my heart literally fell to the ground and shattered in a million pieces! I felt worthless, useless, unwanted, unloved! I didn't do the card to expect something in return I did it as a token of me thinking about him! Yes I had hoped he would of came home with something saying hey baby I love you and this isn't much but let's go eat and go to a movie or just whatever you want! The saying actions speak volumes and words speak nothing! Well that's the honest truth! All day I've waited for him to try I've waited for him to surprise me! Nothing not one thing! So yes needless to say I'm heartbroken, the last time I was this heartbroken was April 16, 2001 at 6:45am when my grandmother took her last breath! As he sees that it's upset me I explain to him how I feel and why I feel! He said what's gonna make it better I guess nothing cause your mad and upset! I said well maybe you need to leave and come back and let's start this all over! 13 valentines and the only one I've never gotten anything from him! If even it was just a card that he picked up in a hurry! I've always gotten something! So I've decided that from now on it's just another day like Christmas, Easter, Halloween, 4th of July, Labor Day, Memorial Day and all the above! Those days have meaning but those days to me are just another day! They really hold no value to me at all anymore! I wish now I could skip it all! Maybe I will this year, I'll just sleep thru them all! I know that it's petty but the smallest thing might mean more than anything in this world!! 

Been too freaking damn long!!

Don't know why I ain't posted shit oh wait yes I do got fucking caught up in ancestry stuff and just forgot a lot of things! Fuck it! That's how I feel but I'll post more later! 

Happy birthday mamaw

On this glorious day in 1924 my grandmother was born! In April of 2001 she left this earth and gained her heavenly body! That day will live with me for the rest of my life! I miss her dearly, she's missed so much in my life that I know she would of loved to share with me! The memories I have are all that's left, cause it seems that everyone lost all her pictures and other worldly things! Never does a day go by that at some point in my day she doesn't make her presence known! Just today I was watching tv and as I was flipping thru the channels young and the restless was on and my remote quit working at that moment! I knew it was her cause that show was her favorite! She always made sure she was done doing what ever she had to do at 11 am every day! I said mamaw you know I don't care about this show and for 5 mins I couldn't get my remote to work! So I sat there and I watched the whole thing! It's amazing how the little things being up the fondest memories! Over Christmas as I was eating moms dressing I looked over by the stove where mom was standing and as I looked I saw my mamaw standing there! I did a double take and I just smiled and nodded and looked back at my plate cause I knew my mamaw was telling me she was there! The things we did, the laughs we had, the moments I take for granted now are moments id gladly do all over again! From getting up at 6 am to pick blackberries in the middle of the summer, or trying to walk to town and her shitting her pants, to the cows chasing us back to her house! Those things make me smile and I know she's reading this cause I just felt a slap on the back and I heard her say you better not say I shit my pants! Lol this woman was the only person that understood me! She and I was like two peas in a pod! Thanks mamaw for the memories that I cherish and oh how I wish I could be enjoying a big slice of Carmel cake with you right now! I can smell it baking! Yummy!! I love you mamaw and remember one day we will meet again! Happy Birthday beautiful!! 

Answers

Answers from: Monday, December 30, 2013

Mother from book answers later

• what is my relationship with this person like? Very estranged, feels like nonexistence  

• how do I feel about the relationship? I'm sad that I don't have a mother!

• have I told this person what happened to me? Yes I've told her and she's just said I haven't forgotten you!  Is he or she supportive of my healing? She seems to be supportive but then we don't talk about it either

• how do I feel when we talk or spend time together? Sad! I want the mother daughter relationship but not there

• do I take more drugs, drink more alcohol, or eat too much or too little when I'm around this person? I eat more when I'm around this person

• does this person criticize me, insult me, or hurt my feelings? She does hurt my feelings 

• how do I feel after a visit? Depressed? angry? Like I'm crazy? Nurtured and supported? Relaxed? Basically okay but not great? I'm usually depressed, angry and ok but not great! 

• what kind of relationship would I like to have with this person? The perfect mother daughter one

• what would have to happen for this relationship to improve? Not sure unless I just write her out of my life or she writes me out of hers cause it seems that she's happy with just 2 kids 

Saying goodbye

It's hard to say goodbye when we lose loved ones, or friends and even animals! But saying good bye to someone that was once a close friend has been the hardest thing I've ever done! Letting go of a friendship and letting go of the times, memories and other things that we might of shared! I feel it's the best but I also feel that I wish I could have it all back! But no matter what I'll always remember the good times and hopefully one day out paths will cross again! If they don't then it wasn't Gods will for us to be friends! Along time ago my grandmother said "Christy no matter how many friends you have, if you don't love yourself you can't love your friends!" I'm slowly learning to love myself and be me and as I do this transition it's gonna be hard on others to watch! But one thing is for sure I've come up far to look back now! I've walked to far down the lonely road to turn around now! One thing I will not tolerate is "a friend" that doesn't accept me for me! I'm human just like everyone else but one thing that's different is I'm stronger than most! Not physically but emotionally I am! Anyways, good bye my friend! May 2014 be better than any year yet! Don't let anyone get you down! So long and Peace, Love and Crab Legs!! 

2014

The new year came in with a bang on my body! My knees and lower legs are killing me! And I've made a resolution to be honest with everyone if you ask or don't ask I'm gonna be honest! No more sugar coating things! No more biting my tongue and no more holding back! This year is the year if you don't like what I gotta say then find the exit off the train now! Your only one day into the 365 day ride! It's not a roller coaster it's not a carousel it's the ride you might not wanna take! I started healing from trauma from my childhood finally last year and I'm truly ready to move on! Ready to be a new woman! Ready to see what life is like outside the fog I've lived in for years! My story might not be your story but one thing I've learned is we all have a story to tell and we all are strong and we all are worth something! Your life should never end for stupid reasons!! Never give up never fall down and never allow anyone to tell you that your not worth living! Cause you are! Your better than most and what happened in your story isn't your fault! Be free, run wild and be safe for the new year! Peace