"Don't look up!"

As I'm reading this book of inspiration one story was don't look up at how far you have to go but look back at how far you've come! As most that read this blog can see from my other blog post I've come along way from where I was! And I was always looking up and thinking I'll never make it! Well, I'm not where I really wanna be but looking back I've come so far that I'm very proud of my progress! I still have a journey to continue on and I'll still have more steps to take but with each new waking hour I know I'm one step closer to the goal I've set! Depression can literally kill a person it takes away every little bit of hope, life and joy out of you with out you really knowing it! Really you know even know it until sometimes it's too late! Luckily I had a good support group to help me see that I losing ground and that I needed to seek help! With out being able to go to someone that didn't know one thing about me and telling her all about me has helped me to see that I am someone and I am the person I wanna be! No I'm not saying my depression is gone cause that's a lie! But what I am saying is that the demons that controlled me has lost control and I've taken my life back out of their power! It feels good to stand up to the demons and show that they no I longer control my mind, my body, my thoughts or my actions! When I realized that the very people that brought me into this world was the ones controlling me and that I had every right to stop it and I did stop it made me feel like the queen! As I continue to grow and enjoy the new life I have I'll always look back and say you've come along ways! Sexuality is still a temptation that I have sometimes a hard time controlling but I can say that I've not had sex with a female, kissed a female since like December of 2012 or jan of 2013 can't remember but it's been well over a year and no I didn't get a reward no I don't need a certificate but as a recovering alcoholic would say every day sober is a better day than a day drunk! Every day living on this side of the fence is a better day than living on the other! I'm tempted but when I'm asked or tempted I refuse to give in! I've turned my life back to the Man that died for my sins and the one that bears the sins of us all The Lord and savior Jesus Christ! As I try to grow spiritually I try my best to continue to live for me and grow for myself! I don't miss that life of lies, secrets and regrets because now I have nothing to hide and never will again! Living another life outside my marriage was the hardest part of my life! It put all the gray hairs in my head and it made me feel like a raging bull in a china shop! It's sad that I tortured my husband, my family and even the ones that I was messing with! But with my life going the way it's going now I feel much better about who I am! "Don't look up, but look back!" My new motto! I'll never look up the hill I'm climbing but I'll always look back and say wow you did it! Peace! 

Mind racing

Well blog it's been a while but I think it's time to just call it quits! Peace

Compassionate

com·pas·sion·ate

kəmˈpaSHənət/

adjective

1. 1.

   feeling or showing sympathy and concern for others.

   synonyms:

   sympathetic, empathetic,understanding, caring,solicitous, sensitive, warm,loving;

   Wish my husband had this ugh. 

Memories

It's amazing how one text, one message or just one word can bring up so many memories of days gone by and water under the bridge! I miss those days and the people in the memories! This is weird to some but maybe someone reading it can relate! I was playing words with friends and one of the words a friend played was fart and yes that's a funny word but it brought up a memory that made me smile! Cause it was one that I truly had thought was stored deep! But anyways enough about that! On to another things as the days get longer the more my mind wonders off to a far away place! It's been awhile since I've wondered this far away! It hurts to know that I've chosen this path and I might never walk that path again! I'm missing having that person on the other side of the fence! Main reason I miss that person is cause I'm longing for someone to hold me! It might sound crazy but when I'm depressed al I want is someone to hold me and play with my hair or just rub my back nothing sexual just truly hold me like I'm a little kid! It's sad that I don't have that with my husband cause he feels it's all about sex! I just sometimes wanna tell him I'm going to find me a woman to hold me! But I know he's gonna think I'll fall in love then I'll start cheating again! But really that's not what I feel like! I honestly believe that I might be passed that part then again it's not like it's a light switch! But truly I wish I could find just someone to hold me! Peace

When you feel blue!!!!!!

There's a slight breeze blowing, a nice gentle one the sun is shining the birds are chirping why must you feel so blue! Well many things happen in a persons life that know one knows! The past few weeks I've gone thru a deep depression I'm slowly coming out of it! I feel as if I was just sad cause aunt Brenda passed but then come to thank if it I've bend sad for a while now! Thinking back I see that my sadness comes from the inability to do anything!  My knees hurt my body hurts! Sometimes I just wanna Give up! Giving up is easy way out! I've never given up on anything in my life and dont plan to start at this moment either! I shall continue on and I will get passed this! Beautiful day for a swing! Yelp that's where I am! 

Gardening 2014

A few weekends ago Corey built me a raised garden bed! I was so excited cause now I don't have to bend over to keep the garden! I've got it all planned out and today we added the dirt and potting soil! And planted the things we had planted inside to start sprouting we added them to the garden bed! We've had so much fun but it's work lots of work! I'm excited hope I have lots of stuff! Anyways few pictures of my garden! 

Brenda Palmertree

Gone too early! We never know when our time will come that the trumpet will sound and The Lord will call us home! We never know why he decides to take the ones he does! But on March 1, 2014 at 3:26am The Lord called my precious aunt Brenda home to be reunited with her long lost father and a brother that was taken to early too! I have so many memories of her and so many times I wish we would of gotten more time with each other! A wonderful down to earth person and one that loved life no matter what the circumstances where! She faces life with an open mind and heart and took what ever The Lord threw at her to test her or just to see how much she could stand! She's gone from this earth and gained a heavenly body free of pain, free of strife and free of drama! She loved collecting arrow heads and I remember the best time of my childhood was trekking the trace I'm search of arrow heads! I wish I knew now what they meant to her and what she's done with them over the years! I feel certain she's was seated at the right hand of The Lord tonight having a heavenly supper! I feel like heaven gained another soul that will brighten everyone's day! Not only do I know have several angels watching over me! First was my grandmother Langham, she was my best friend, she loved me for me and I loved her for her, second was my uncle Paul Ray he was the closes thing to a grandfather I ever had! He taught me how to play cards, he taught me how to honor and respect others always! Next was memaw my step grandmother who accepted me into her family like I had always been there!  Always knew when I needed a good laugh and would call me at that moment! Next is my aunt Jeanette aka gruddy she had an infectious smile that would light up a room when she entered! She knew how to have a good time! And last but not least of the few that I've mentioned is aunt Brenda! Wow, where do I begin! She had a laugh that when you heard it you would always know it was her! She loved life and lived life to the fullest! Never failing to say I love you no matter what! She's a hero in my eyes for accepting that life was one to be cherished and one that is to be lived with out regrets! May all these and the rest that's gone before me rest in heavenly peace! I've got many more and so many gone too young! Uncle Tommy, Cousin Jimmy, Cousin Lisa, Aunt Sue, great Aunt kris, and so many more that I can't think of at the moment! Some I never got to meet! Some I wish I could of! And sometimes I wish heaven had a road of a bean stalk like in jack and the bean stalk cause id climb that bean stalk just to see then once again! But you know when someone passes it's not a good bye it's a see you soon or so long! I left out one angel that took me in his heart and allowed me to marry is son! He was stubborn, love able, caring and stubborn! He had a sense of humor that sometimes would make you blush and others make you laugh so hard you'd piss your pants! Ol' Jody he was a brave ol' soul that was set in his ways! I hope that aunt Brenda gets to meet him in heaven cause them too will be fun to be around! Good night world! My mind is at ease that I know I'll see them again!