Good enough

today it's hit me that I might not be good enough for anything anymore! Daily I struggle to find peace and understanding in how things are and how things should be!! Today while walking around the grocery store I realized that my life isn't the way I want it to be! I can't walk hardly without having to sit down! I can't even make it to bathroom with out peeing my clothes! I can't even love my husband without pain! No matter how hard I try the more I try the more I feel lost the more I feel like giving up!! The more I feel like saying fuck it! I know that I can't give up because too many want me to keep fighting but while I'm fighting are they cheering me on or trying to tell me to stop! I feel as if I've gone as far as I can go! My body is dead my soul is dying and my mind is wasting! I'll be gone soon don't cry then and don't cry now! 

Standing alone in a sea of people that's how I feel! I feel like no one sees me but everyone is looking right at me!! My body hurts to the point I'm ready to end it all! The thoughts are so before me that I see it all coming to an end!! I know it's the devil but God is there somewhere I know! I've begged, pleaded and cried out but no one sees it! No one knows what's really going on! When your head says do it but your heart says no don't I try to lean with my heart! But right now in the mass of people my heart is saying do it! Life isn't a road of least traveled it's a road of well traveled paths to no where! That's my mind! My mind is racing with ways to peacefully go with out anyone knowing! My body is yearning for the time to be pain free! My soul is for the taking but I don't want it to be taken wrong! My thoughts are worthless in this moment but they are what I try to keep to myself! I've said more than I should and I should just turn my life over to the lab rats! Maybe they could use my useless body for something! Because it's truly only keeping me here! It's nothing to me but a box of bones and tools used against me! My inner workings aren't what they should be! But my tools within are worn out and my mind is still trying to tell them to keep working! I'm begging God to take me away from this all and praising him for keeping me here! Maybe my pain is to testify for others that he doesn't put more on us than we can stand! But right now the devil is saying yes he does and your at your limit! The fighter in me is still fighting by the hair on my chin but the fighter at some point soon is gonna go down with no fight left! My fighter is slowly taken all it can take! It's do or die time and die time is more visible than the do time! My mind is blurry and it's slowly taking the turn towards the other side! If I shall die before I wake then who ever reads this know that I didn't do it intentionally but God finally listened and took the fighter home! I love you all! To Corey thank you for loving me, holding me and being my rock! To the rest of my family I love you all! To my unborn niece or nephew I love you too! Grow up to make me proud sorry I didn't get to see it! My the rest of you live your life to the fullest and may you never endure the pain I've endured in such a short life! To my friends that still stood by me thank you and may you keep my dream alive of always smiling thru it all' peace 

Post long over due

Two weeks ago today I walked into north mississippi medical center headed for elbow surgery! I was a nervous wreck, but I made it thru surgery just fine as I knew I would because I have God on my side he was there with me every step of the way! He watched over the doctor and nurses and held me tight! I couldn't ask for a more caring doctor than the one that did my surgery! Will blog more later 

Answers

Defined as words to a question! You might say what was the question well the question was what surgery is best for a bummed up elbow? The answer is simple open surgery where they go in and chop away or chip away the bone that well arthritis has taken a hold of! So, tonight I might rest well knowing that life has an answer! I'll do what I can to make it the best I can! Thinking about the previous post and going with that theme again seems real right now! The answer to depression, defeat, hopelessness, helplessness and despair isn't suicide as we all might want it to be! The answer lies within ourselves, it's within our hearts, souls, minds and bodies! The answer is LIFE WITHOUT FEAR! The fear is knowing that you won't ever be whole, ever be well, and ever be the person you are when you fake the smile! Sadly the answer for most is ending it makes my life better when really it makes others lives living hell! Your mother hurts if she's a real mother to you,  cries daily, asks God why, says what could I, what if I, and so on! She wants answers, but really down deep inside she knows the true answer, she knows but sometimes it's hard to admit! She didn't do anything wrong, she was your biggest supporter wanted nothing but the best for you! Most mothers are like that I'd say! Your father might hurt if he was a real father to you if he's not then he feels nothing at all! He hurts, he cries, he ask why, what if, what could I done! The answer is he did all he could, he gave you what you needed to survive, he taught you to enjoy life! A wife/husband will hurt if they are truly a real wife/husband, anyone can marry you but not all love you deeply, if they do they hurt, they cry, they wanna hide, they wanna join you but the answer might lie in how they spent the last few days with you! If you end it after a fight, or after a long day or year of depression then they can be part of the cause! Not saying all are but so many have chosen suicide over a man or woman! It's sad to know that another human can drive you so far off the cliff and alter your mind so much that the depression is so unbearable! I know it happens to me sometimes! After a little altercation with Corey I wanna just end it because I think in my depressed mind that he'd be better off when really he won't be! He will be devastated just like the rest of my family! I'm a survivor, I'm a fighter, I'm a daughter, sister, wife, cousin, niece, daughter in law and friend to so many that I know wouldn't want me gone no matter how much I think it's for the best! The answer is staring you in the face it's called Love your life, your only given one so live it to the fullest suicide isn't living your life to the fullest it's ending your life before you got to see your own child grow, before you got to see that sister marry, that mother hold your child and so on! No matter the darkest moment your in please don't give up just yet! Let God decide when your time is up! Take it from me a person who fights a battle with her mind daily to get up, move, laugh, cry, raise Cain and be a bad b at times! But you know I still got one more fight left, one more round left, one more memory to make left, and one more breath to take before I'm down! You do too, at this moment you might not think so but you do! Remember the answer is looking you in the face! Family, friends, coworkers, even a stranger might need you to show them that it's ok to live and suicide isn't the answer! Never allow the answer to fade from you and don't stop loving yourself, and don't stop loving the ones that truly love you! Brothers, sisters, daughters, mothers, and so on no matter how bad you think your life is remember someone is loving you more than you know! One more thing, I've done in my life that is a tool of coping is hiding the scars of my heart, hiding behind my smile, hiding behind the shirts I wear! It's hard seeing the scars and knowing that everyone is worth it and everyone is a living proof my time isn't up! The mark on my arm from cutting, the mark on my stomach from cutting, the marks internal from the pills are all proof that you can survive no matter how hard it might seem! I know your wondering why I cut my stomach because I was hiding my scars and I knew that it wasn't the right spot but it relieved the pain in my mind for a split second! The taste of metal in my mouth from the gun is still visible today because once you taste it it's a taste you'll never forget! Yes you see life is worth living because there's so much out there to experience for the first time, so much to live for! And so much to strive for! Goal after goal is another notch on my belt in the battle to defeat this monster called DEPRESSION!!!  You too can battle with me and every day above ground is another notch, another goal to mark off! Lastly, thank you for a mother that played both roles, she and I might not see eye to eye but she did teach me to never give up, thank you to a father that taught me that things aren't always as they seem, to my brother who taught me to live life on the wild side then settle down, to a sister that's taught me no matter what battle I'm fighting to keep on fighting, to my husband who I love dearly at times and other times wonder why I married him that taught me to keep going, to keep moving and to always tell when something needs to been done, to my awesome counselor who I should of found about 20 years ago That taught me to let go, take back my life and  not allow anyone the pleasure of controlling it, to my many stepmom's that's taught me to know when to hold on and know when to run!! To my stepmom carol that's taught me to never give up on something that I truly want! To my stepsister that's taught me to fight for the right to party, but really taught me to love myself, to my stepbrother thats taught me to not do things that will get you in trouble and to my many many friends that's taught me to love others the way I want others to love me and that no matter what it's ok to cry, scream, Hang up the phone and even apologize for all the above and still have that shoulder when I need it and that ear when I need it! Thank you all! I wouldn't be living this dream, this life or living today with out your love, support and cheers! May this story help another person that's thinking SUICIDE is the way out! Actually it's truly not, GOD is the way! Peace!! 

Long time gone

Writing this tonight hurts more than any other blog I've written! Physically, mentally and emotionally! Suicide awareness week day month year what ever you wanna call it! I'm a survivor in more ways than you might know my first attempt was in 7th grade when I was being called, fat ugly, 2x4, and other words! I cut my wrist in hopes of a quick easy death to get away from the pain and bullying! It didn't work that way I saw the blood and like most I freaked out! I washed my arm and wrapped it in toilet paper and applied pressure to make it stop! Luckily, I wasn't smart enough to know where to cut because the place I cut wasn't the right spot! The second time I tried was right after I confronted my dad about molesting me in front of my stepmom! I was hurt, I was willing to crash anyone and everyone in my path! I took a hand full of pills but I didn't take the right kind because all these did was make me sleep! No one knows what a person has gone through, is going through to cause them to think they aren't worth living! The thoughts cross my mind more than I want to admit! Every time I've attempted I never told anyone 1 because when you reach the end you don't want anyone talking you out of it, 2. I felt as if, if I was gone then everyone would be happy, not thinking of others but thinking of myself! 3. When I'm gone I wouldn't hurt anymore, i wouldn't be stuck in a room with no light anymore! No matter what others think when a depressed person is down they are down! There's no magical cure, no magic pill, no magic healing can take place! Crying is a release as well as feelings of suicide! Until you walk in a persons shoes that's stuck in a hole with no light, no life and daily struggles to try and stay alive then don't judge that person, don't talk about that person and lastly don't ever tell that person to snap out of it! There's no snapping out of it, no shaking it off and no just walking away! It's not that easy, daily I struggle to get up, I do though as my day progresses on I feel a weight pulling me down and making me feel lost, hopeless, helpless and defeated! Depression is an illness that has no cure, alcohol numbs the pain, drugs numbs the pain but when your not drunk, drugged the pain can be so unbearable that death is your only avenue! This week I'm living proof that suicide could of been the answer because yea I've thought about it, I've wanted nothing more than to just end it, I wanted to do it in a way that I wouldn't hurt not one second! I wanted it to end quickly and shooting myself is the easiest way! I'd never do it to where anyone would have to see the remains and be reminded daily I'd do it somewhere that wouldn't be noticed! Talking with my awesome counselor today I told her I'm ready to give up, she told me that so many are pulling for me, cheering me on! I know they are but the giving up feeling is greater than the feeling of being loved at times! Giving up is easier for someone like me that their past is a vast resemblance of the future! Pain, sadness, hopelessness, feeling of not wanted has been my past and as I type this at times I think it's my future too! I love you all and please don't be the next victim of this depression crime! Live through my story of survival and love yourself and respect yourself to not put your family through the pain of remembering you this way! Suicide is easy for you but hell for others! Depression is hell for you but easy for others! If your depressed please seek help, if your suicidal please seek help! If you know someone that's attempted, thought, spoke or hinted then please reach out to them! Because you never know what a person truly feels behind that fake smile, behind those bright eyes! I've faked my smile for so long it hurts to actually smile for real! I've hide my pain for so long that others think I'm faking when I'm being honest! Faking is like suicide easy to do! No one knows so no one understands! You are the only answer to life's problems! Your life is yours to live but try and live it with a real smile, a real answer! I love you!  

The long Goodbye

Laying here feeling like it's time to say good bye, my life isn't worth living, isn't worth the pain that I'm in! Why must I go through this daily to just wake up the same as I went to bed! My mind races, my body aches, my heart beats loudly but my soul says it's too late! Living in a lie day in and day out has brought me to the point of no return and to the end of my rope! I see the bottom of this hole slowly getting closer! What must I do, how can I stop it from reaching up and grabbing me! I see it and I'm within a few millimeters of hitting bottom I've been here before and i feel it's the best place for me! This bottomless pit is my new bed, my new life, my new everything it's the only place I find comfort, the only place I find peace and the only place dark enough not to see myself! Looking thru the hole at the top the light is getting dimmer and soon it'll go out! This life isn't the life I wanted and isn't the life I feel i should of been given! The day my father took my innocence away was the day I died as a child! He caused this and maybe if I end it he will finally admit that he's the cause of this! I don't want you to shed a tear over my body if you didn't shed a tear while I was living above the hole! Don't enter my hole hoping to pull me free because this pit is my only safe place! Leave me here for the world to see what it's like to be in a state of despair and confusion and hurt! If only my father hadn't taken my life so long ago is still be here today! Depression won another battle and hell will gain another body to the despair of the innocence that's been taken! Shall you see this I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you bye but remember I'll always love you! To Corey who caused this tonight just because he didn't want to listen to me speak my mind about suicide now he sees what I was saying! Suicide is the only answer when no one cares anymore! So long my friends! May you all live long and may my life left some imprint in yours but don't allow my death to cause you any pain! Don't cry, but laugh, don't weep but smile and don't morn but rejoice that I hurt no more!  

Been a while

This blog is one I've wrote a few times before, but tonight it hit me again! The passing of Robin Williams to the monster called suicide has kept me awake thinking if all the times I've thought, or tried! Once a person reaches a point of no return there and they feel the only way out is suicide there is no helping this person! Because once a person reaches that stage it's too late, they won't reach out they won't ask for help because their mind is made that the only cure is death! Not caring who they hurt, who they leave behind and not caring why they are doing it they just know it's best! Suicide is an easy way out for so many that can't fight the fight any longer! The battle has been won by the defeated person and death is the answer! Sadly, the ones left behind to pick up the pieces are worse off than the one that ended it all! No pills, no drugs, no one can stop a person that's truly got his/her mind set! So many say I wish they would of reached out but I know from experience that when that time comes reaching out isn't on your mind! Personally attempts are the equitation to asking for help! Because if you attempt and fail you failed on purpose because you really wanted someone to help you! The consequences after the attempt shows you that you wasn't really trying! Sadly though the person that attempts and succeeds is the one that might of reached for help time and time and no one took the hints that was laid before them! We as humans sometimes hint and hint but no one believes us until it's too late! Depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse and so on are all reasons why someone might choose suicide! But suicide isn't the answer but really is there a true answer? Some say that if that person would of talked to someone then they'd still be here today! Some say they should of been on medicine to control it. Some say they never say any signs of anything that might of caused this. Point is every person that's thought about suicide has left signs, left clues, left hints, left notes and lastly probably is taking medicine, or talking to a counselor, or even spent time in mental health places! With none of those being the answer they was looking for! So in their mind the only answer is suicide! Suicide can happen to the best of us! It can happen to the ones that look great on the outside but dying inside! The smile, the laughter, the jokes and so on are just for show! They don't show you what's really going on down deep inside! Personally, my smiles and my laughter daily sometimes is to hide the pain the heartbreak the past and even the present state my mind is in! Daily I struggle with PTSD, anxiety, depression and the list goes on! Daily I put a smile on to hide the tears, the pain the want to die feeling! Daily I try to move on like a normal person but I'm dying inside! Daily the thought of just giving up and ending it sometimes seems to be the only way to not hurt to not want to cry and to not want to be alive! But daily I try my best to make the best of the time I have here! But if anyone truly knew what I struggle with day in and day out they could see the pain, the struggle in my eyes and see that my smile is fake! The life I was given isn't the life I would of chose if I'd had a choice! I'd not been diagnosed with RA in 2006, would not of had to quit a job that I truly loved most days in 2010 and I wouldn't be seeing a counselor for my past! All those things wouldn't be if I'd had my choice but it wasn't my choice it was the life I was given! I embrace my past as a stepping stone to my future! Past hurts, past heartaches, past headaches, past bruises are all just a step towards what is yet to come! When the day comes and I leave this earth will be the best day of my life! I'll look back and see what it took to get me to this point and when I'm standing before The Lord for my judgment I truly hope that I see the judgment of the one/s that has caused me to feel like suicide was the answer! Luckily, I have some great supporters, prayer warriors, friends and family that's help keep me a float in the ocean of sharks! They've been there when no one else was, when I truly felt the only way out was the same way that Robin Williams felt today when he ended his life! As you see suicide can happen to anyone, it doesn't care if your rich, famous, poor, homeless, or healthy it can happen to anyone! I challenge you all to always stop and ask someone that might look sad or smiling but you can see that it's not real, ask them are they ok! Let them know your there for them! Reach out to them because so many will not reach out to you!