hmmmm

Sometimes, i do the stupidest things known to man. I don't know why i even put myself thru all this toture but i do. This am i got up and got on facebook as i always do and had a friends request which was a complete surprise at to who it was. It was the girl that drug me thru hell over the past few months. I added her just to make it seem i wasn't ignoring her. i was bored tonight and I guess i really wanted to know if she really cared about me or really ever wanted to be with me. As it turns out she never really loved me nor wanted to be with me. I wasted from september until jan on her ass. How stupid was I then and how stupid was i tonight when i sat down and read all of her status updates on facebook. I really saw the real person that she really is and it just wasn't very pretty. I hope that she will go back thru my status updates and really see how much she fucking hurt me. I doubt it though because im the only stupid one to sit down and read them. I just don't understand how someone can say they love you and want you to be with them and treat you like a fucking dog. Ugh yes im pissed but ive learned a lesson. Im over her and I don't care what she says because its not on me and i don't need to have people like that in my life. You know, i don't need people in my life that is going to bring me down. Ive come to far in a short period of time that im not going back. Ive overcome some of my hardest times and some of my deepest times. Its just like the blink of an eye your world is about to crash and i had to step back and look from the outside in. When i did, i saw that I was about to lose everything that ive ever known. I just don't know. What the fucking hell i was thinking by giving up on the only one that loved me for me and still loves me. I guess that ill just keep on moving up. Talk to you later blog. IM just plain stupid. im a fucking fool.. good night all.

deicated to cheryl

I have a friend named cheryl that's a true friend! One I can call for a pick me up, or she can call me for a pick me up! I've known cheryl for several years we've lost touch but since been reunited! She been someone that's seen me thru one of my lowest points in my life to the greatest points! She's stood beside me not behind me! She never let me fall and never will I let her! She's on a journey to an unknown land! She's been walking the road to lap band surgery! She's a strong woman that I see succeeding in this journey! I never want to see anyone fail! I'm not gonna let her give up hope so easy! I just got a text from sometime not sure when cause my phones been off! I tell her day in a day out that she's not fat! But just like me she has a low selfesteem! I have the I don't give a shits! She has the I know it and I do care! Now I've been big all mylife! She's an amazing woman! She's very pretty just the way she is! She has amazing eyes! I love everything about her! Yes, I'm mesmorizing over a married woman! But, that doesn't mean I want her! I gave up a long time ago on diets, and other things! I decided that if the lord wanted me skinny he would show me the way to be that way! I feel like that the lord is showing cheryl the way to being the person that she wants to be! Now, a friend once told me, christy never give up something that has an end result that u feel is a great one! I'm telling you cheryl! Your not giving up so easily! Your a strong person, get up look in mirror and say damn I look good! Tell urself that daily! Your selfesteem will get better with time! Cheryl, dust ur shoulders off, stand up, dust urself off and take a walk down that road to surgery! Ur not alone, I'm here with you every step of the way! Don't give up or in to anything! Come on girl let's go! Your my inspiration to do the same thing! I'm standing on the sideline cheering you on! Holding a sign that says you can do it! I love you girl! I'm fighting with you! Keep going!

Now, many may know that I'm a fighter that's not going down without a fight! I told missy the same thing! She had a stroke I told her to not give up! I told my friend kim that had a stroke to never give up! As long as I'm around anyone that's trying to give up I'm gonna do my best to push them on! So to whoevers reading this know that I'm not giving up hope on anyone! Not missy, kim, cheryl or myself! I was once told we are all works in progress! My blog is finished!

pain in my side

I've been hurting in my stomach a lot lately! Thursday, the pain was so intense and felt like I've never felt before! I get home and I'm crying cause its hurting so bad! I call corey in house and tell him I have to go to er because this pain is just unbearable! We leave out for er at about 430 and don't leave er until 11pm! Nurse practioner comes in they take me for a ultrasound, the I come back and they tell me I'm going for ct scan! Not ever had either one I was a little nervous! Ultra sound was weird, ct scan was weird! But anyway, ultrasound fine not gall bladder, ct scan fine not gall bladder! But they did find a cyst on my adernal gland! Not sure how longs its been there but doc told me I needed to have it checked out! So I cancelled my much needed trip to the beach to stay at home to go to doctor! To see what's up with this thing! I'm still not totally convinced it aint my gallbladder! But doc is right I guess! Then, I'm getting accused of lieing to people when I aint lied to no one! I'm freak 32 yes old since when did I have to answer to anyone! I mean damn! I don't feel I have to tell anyone anything I'm doing! Thank you! Well blog I've cleared my chest time to get ready for the day! I'm going out with my camara and takin me some random pictures! Sweet!!!!

Since my last blog I'm still floating hopelessly in the firey pits of hell! I'm looking for someone that's a great listener, doesn't tell me how to live my life, doesn't tell me what to do in my life, only gives advice when asked for, never let's my secrets out, never stops believing in me or pushing me to do better! I might be looking for and angel but mayb ill find one soon! I just don't get it, I have tons of friends but none I'd really trust my life with! I love them all dearly but can't say if I told them my true feelings they'd still be standing by me! Its gonna take someone strong enough to carry a big load! I don't have but mayb one person in my life that I feel would listen and just keep on listening! But anyway I'm tired tonight from all my searching that I'm going to bed good night blog!

Depression!

Its been awhile since I wrote in my blog! I guess I've been to preoccupied to do much of anything! I'm finally free of a burden that beens weighing me down for most of my life! I confronted my dad and molesting me as a young girl! I also told quiet a few people about my sexuality! I'm bisexual! I'm free now I can be open and honest with the world! I've never felt like this before! The past several wks I've went to the depths of no return before in my life! I fell to the darkest pits of hell I've ever seen! I can't begin to tell you what I feel other than rage! I've gone thru these past wks with no regrets or regards to what life is like or who I'm hurting! I've stared the devil right in the eyes and told him thank you! I feel like he's got me so wrapped up that I may never find my way out! Just last nite reality hit me about the girl I've been seeing! I thought it was love but really it was the devil taking me for a rough ride thru the firey pits of hell! This girl drug me thru stuff that I've never in my life experienced! Maybe it was gods way of showing what life is like out there if I give up the man I'm married 2! The one that's stuck with me thru it all!!! So I've come to the conclusion that if I don't remove myself from this place I call home for a few days and away from everyone in my life then I might not make it out alive! I had just begun to pick up the pieces of my broken heart from the woman I had been dating for 3 yrs! Its amazing how things happen so quickly that no one knows its happening until its to late! I've always been the one giving out encouaraging words but it took 2 very special people in my life to show me and encouarage me to get away from the devil before its to late! Thanks cheryl and dana! Without you 2 I'm not sure where I'd be! Homeless and heartbroken! I just feel like right now god used you 2 in away to show me! Thanks! Now with all this said, I feel like I'm on the road to recovery just taking one day at a time! I'm getting tired and thumb is about to fall off! Cause I'm typing from phone! Peace, love and happiness!

happy birthday mamaw

On this day back in 1924 a very special lady in my life was born! It doesn't seem right for her to have been gone from us so early in life! Today she would of been 86! I miss her more and more everyday! Its been a life to remember the good, bad and ugly! She never wanted any of us to want for anything! If she had it we had it, if it was hers it was ours! In april of 01 the lord called this angel home! It was her time, she'd done her duty to this great country we live in, she'd raised 9 kids all alone because her husband died in 73! She had a heart of gold and a sense of humor that'd knock ur socks off! I just hope that today she celebrated this day with everyone that's gone before her, and after her! I know she's having a blast! With time our wounds of loss are healed, but never ever forgotten! They leave a lasting memory and one that we will forever cherish! Thanks for the memories!! May you rest in peace my best friend! One I could tell the world to and knew she'd never tell anyone! Good night blog! I miss you mamaw! Tell'em all I said hello!

Reflections of 2009

As the year is about to come to a close a new year is about to open! I call it a new chapter in my book of life! Where do I begin, jan09 it was pretty uneventful month because I don't remember much about it! Feb09 was a hard month for me, I lost someone dear and true to my heart may you rest in peace memaw! Memaw accepted me in her family as her on, she didn't know me from adam but took me in as one of her very own grandkids and loved me unconditionally. Thanks for the memories. March09 must of been uneventful too because i don't remember much that went on that month either! One thing i remember doing in march was going to sardis lake and my mom having to have gallbladder surgery. Apr09 started my vacation season! May09 took a vacation and went no where lol! June09 I had a time where I decided it was time to cut my hair so I got it cut! July09 another uneventful month I guess! Aug09 where my life got a little rocky, I did begin to plan a vacation to gulf shores! Sept09 oh the glory days, I took last trip with my best friend ever! Got back home and lost her to lies that pushed me away! Lost a piece of my heart! Slowly picking up the pieces day by day. Its a matter of time before the heart is whole again. It might take years but, it will be whole one more time. I almost met a very good friend of mine this month. We are still great friends just have our ups and downs a friends too. where we spend a lot of time apart hardly even talking but that only makes us stronger. Oct09 when I lost someone else that's true and dear to my heart may you rest in peace aunt jeanette! Also, went to chicago for the first time in my life! Nov09 it started out ok but then slowly went down hill getting prepared for another loss! Dec09 on the 6th day I lost another person true and dear to me may u rest in peace papaw, he who also accepted me in to his family as his step granddaughter with out even saying one word. The only closest thing to a grandfather i ever knew because mine died before i was even thought of! Someone forgot we was married on that very day, someone forgot my birthday, someone didn't tell me he had me a christmas present! So I thought he forgot again! I also just about lost my new best friend to stupid shit! Its been one hell of a year! So as I reflected its time for a new year, a new me and a bright future! I can't wait! I'm ready are u? Its that time we start thinking about where we are gonna be and what we are gonna do. So im going to take this time to make this journey into the new year a bold one. Im going to put everything from years past in the past and leave them there. Thanks to everyone that has put a memorie in my mind you are now a piece of my history. If i begin today to write a book of my life so far you would be amazed at the life i started out as and the life I have at this very moment. Ive come a long ways and made it thru this life the hard way, no one knows my life unless i told you and i don't tell parts of my life to very many people. So as this year closes thanks to all my friends that stood by me and pushed me along. Heres to a new christy and a new year. If your up for the challenge in which my life holds all the time then come on and join me for the long hard ride that im about to take. Its a fast moving world out there and im ready to face it head on and not look back. thanks to everyone for taking the time to read this.. If you dont' like what i have to say then you know what i say about that. get the hell off my page and never come back. thank you.