THINKING!!!!!!

Seems like last week you and I was having the best time and the all  of a sudden things went down hill fast and now we are back to having the time of our lifes again! Sometimes I miss all those times we had when we'd sit around and talk and just hang out! Then there's times I think of how far we've come and how far we've got to go! At times my mind wonders back to the days I could sleep in your arms and not have a care in the world! Those days have passed and those days are just memories we made that play at random times thru this picture machine I have on my shoulders! It hurts at times When I think of how we used to be but the frown quickly turns to a Smiley face when I hear the excitement in your voice when your new love is coming over or calling or what not! It makes me happy and sad because I used to be That girl! You say I still make u smile but my heart doesn't seen it and my mind keeps playing those scenes from time to time! I guess its better that I keep my feelings surpressed and my mind will be at ease Maybe! I guess there comes a time that I just gotta keep moving and never look back! I hope That you will truly understand me and not just say You do! Every human has to come to terms sometimes and realize it just wasn't meant to be! But one must also realize that the one their with isn't truly with them Because They love them! I'm just an outsider looking in and from my stand point the new person in Your life is playing Your emotions like a musician playing a guitar! But it takes one to finally see that and when u do see it I hope its not to late and that you've truly put Your guard up! I hope that my instincts are wrong but I feel they aren't! I can read some ppl very well! I hope that you'll take my advice one day and truly sit down with the new one and truly tell her how u feel! But I know You pretty well You have the mentality that if it ain't broke don't fix it But I'm here to tell you it is broke so now is the time to fix it! Just saying! As I've said before I gain more pleasure out of saying I told u so in the end than I do any other time! As Ive said before I truly wish that my dear friends and family would Listen to me for once and truly listen and do what I say! But its like my words aren't good enough and my words are just words with no meaning What so ever! But I guess since I'm no famous writer then the words I write or truly just nothing like I've been told a thousand times! Life does go on and on and on! Good night blog!

Sleepless nights and sleeping days

Ever so often my mind thinks that it wants to sleep but then it doesn't when I lay down! I feel like I've got my days and nights mixed up some how!
Next week I'm going to spend a few days with my mom! Its been many years that she and I have spent time together! Its gonna be weird cause she's always with my sister! So I'm gonna cherish every moment like its the last! I hope its not but we all know tomorrow isn't promised!
The other day something was said to me that got my mind really thinking! Now its been a while since I've thought about being with a woman! I just don't care about it any more! When it was said to me I could of cheated with you if I wanted too! And I said naw you couldn't cause I'm not interested! And I'm not! I've lost that feeling of needing a woman's touch or the wanting to be with a woman! It may Never come back to me! Its OK if it doesn't but I guess my point is that I think it was offered and I refused and I'm very proud that I'm past that and we are friends! It takes a lot to go back after you've crossed that line! It takes a lot for the water to flow the other way! But we made it past that point and friends is what we truly are! I listen to you bitch and you listen to me bitch just like friends should!
Sometimes the urge to run away from home gets so strong that if I ever acted on it no telling where I'd end up! Because i have a traveling soul that's not satisfied unless its moving and I've been cooped up in this house long enough! It seems that when I want to do something we never seem to have the dollars to just for a ride! But then when a new movie comes out we have the dollars for him to spend on watching it! Sometimes I feel like a lost Cause! I feel like I'm here just for sex and a monthly check! I feel like that's all I'm good for! Never does a day go by that I receive a hug, kiss or even a thank you when I've cooked a meal or washed clothes! I guess that's because he thinks that's my job by marrying him! Others seem to have a better relationship with their spouses and they don't do anything! Its like I'm supposed to do all this just because I'm married to him! It hurts to feel like this!
I believe I cheated on him because she made me feel wanted, loved and never once did a day go by that I saw her did she not give me a hug and kiss! Its sad to say but truly I miss that feeling of someone wanting me for me and not expecting me to do this and that because I said I do! It was a great feeling but I'm not in love with her sexually just friendly love! I sometimes feel like he doesn't even love me friendly or sexually! Its like I'm just a rock and he keeps pushing me to the side out if the way!
Enough of that, another thing that makes me so fighting mad is the way his brother gets away with everything! I can't even put the dishes in the dishwasher right with out getting told I did it wrong but his brother can walk around and not pay the only bill He was asked to pay, not allow any of our stuff out because it doesn't go with his decor! But that's OK! If I try to cook something its not right unless he comes in and adds too it! Like if I don't add salt then I'm a bad person! If I don't put his clothes in the washer or dryer its my fault they aren't clean or dried! Now mind you I wasn't asked to do either One! Its my fault if the cable gets cut off or the lights get cut off but I'm not the one that sits down and pays the bills! I'm Not allowed to spend a penny without express written consent from him! But we can take his brother out to eat and drink 80 dollars worth of stuff! That's what pisses me off!

Last but not least friends who call you a friend to your face but behind your back talk about you like your the scum of the earth! I got a friend that I thought at one time was a great friend well I've found out quickly that she's not! I'm a very blunt person, straight to the point Never let's anything catch me off guard! But to Be called rude, disrespectful and other things is when it gets under my skin! Now don't get me wrong if I send you a message I expect something in return just like you would if it were you! It just pisses me off that you say I don't have time to bullshit! Well hell I hadn't seen you in several days and I was wondering if you was OK! So what it was just a one word fucking question! If you truly knew the meaning of the one word then you would of known It was a complete question! I guess like you said your too busy for anyone but yourself! I've asked you on several occasions to take an hour and lets go have lunch! But oh no you can't cause your too good for me known! But just a year ago I was helping you do this and that! Its all good because pay backs a bitch and guess what I know how to pay you back and you know it was from me! But life goes on!
Another thing then I'm done! Its not every day that you come across a person that's willing to drop whatever she's doing, give you her last dollar or the shirt off her back! Its not every day that anyone will do This or that and never ask for anything in return but maybe a coke! Its not everyday that you find someone willing to help you when your in need! So remember the good things I've done for you and They will surly outweigh the times I've been rude, disrespectful and just a plain bitch! But you know What its OK cause one day your gonna need good ol' Christy and good ol' Christy ain't gonna be there! All those times I bought you food cause you didn't have any money, all those times I bought you drinks cause you didn't have any money! That time I gave you money Cause you didn't have it and was about to lose Your house! Those times I sat and listened to you bitch about your worthless husband! All those times I sat and listen to you complain Bout your kids! Remember that cause one day your gonna need me again!
While I'm on my soap box another thing! The only friend that I'm willing to help because I know she struggling to make ends meet! I know I've lived like she's living and its truly hard! She knows I don't mind giving her a ride, buying her this or that but one that does piss me off bout her is that She never once offers anything even when she has it! Its OK because one day its gonna hit her hard too when I quit giving! I'm just too nice of a person! I Guess my heart is just that damn big! Well, blog its that time you know where I close! My thumbs are hurting! Good night! Peace!

No subject just words

When at times I feel Like giving up I look up and remember the things I did as a kid That kept me here and I think about the ones that's gone before me! They inspire me to keep trying because I know there isn't a one of them that would want me giving up! So I've decided that one day I'm gonna sit down and just write my feelings out on paper so when I'm gone someone can read them!

Today, I got my feelings stepped on and hurt pretty bad! My husband thinks or I Think he thinks I have Bo clue in the world what I'm doing behind the digital camara! I feel like my years of being a head photo specialist just was wasted in his eyes! I feel he thinks I'm just as dumb as a box of rocks! Never fails that when he wants to go somewhere and take photos my input is useless and worthless! Its like I just need to shut up! He's never in the 9 yrs I've known him taken any kind of photography class or worked with photography! He didn't even own a camara when I met him! Looking back thru some pictures he had they where not anything I'd claim to have taken! But now That we own a professional camara he feels like he's a professional now! It hurts me the way he acts and what he says when I make a remark or statement about something he took! Its like I shouldn't ever say a word! He does no wrong! Maybe its me but if I see something I like I'm gonna snap it in the original state that its in and not sit there or walk around trying to find a good spot! Take it naturally and you will get a better photo! It ain't gotta be straight forward or 90° angle! I mean damn! I've seen work or professionals yea they might use Photoshop to fix the background or surroundings but they snap the picture the way they see it! I've asked them a thousand times what do you think of this picture? Most of the time its Christy you did a good job! Today, Corey proceeded to tell me When I told him to take it at an angle to include to objects in one shot! He told me I didn't have a clue what I was talking bout and that it would look stupid! So I took That as meaning that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about nor do I know anything about photography! So guess what he took the picture straight forward and guess what it cut one of the objects in half! I guess that I don't know what I'm talking about do I? Hmmm!

Enough of that its bout time for me to put phone down! Fingers are numb and arms are hurting! Until next time! Holla

Been a while!

I guess too much has been going on that I just haven't found time to really sit down and write! I feel as if I need to get a little things off my chest! So fair warning if you read this and it pisses you off then take it as a challenge to do better! First, I'm disabled and it pisses me off to see capable adults not willing to work but wanna live off mom, dad, grandma who ever! It also pisses me off that they can sit around and complain Bout it when mom, dad or who ever doesn't give to them anymore! Its like This get up off Your lazy ass and find a job at McDonald's if you have too! Ugh! Secondly, yes my husband and I have our ins and outs and ups and Downs but he's the only one that I love deeply and would jump in front of a train to save! I love this man! Yes I Have a select few friends that I'd do the same! But as far as just because Nope Never gonna happen! Its like this I've become a born again Christian and I'm going to start living like one!  I'm one of gods children and by golly I'm gonna live like it! I've waited too long to put him on the back burner! He deserves to be first again in my life! So I've decided that its time to start making a few changes! So be prepared in near future to see a changed Christy! Thanks for reading!

One year ago today

The journey began that's changed my life and I feel like made me stronger as a human! I walked out of the place that I'd called home for 9 yrs to actually go home and sit because my RA took its toll on me! It caused me to quit my job that I had a love/hate relationship with! I feel like God knew that it was time! I started my disablity process in December and by March I was approved! It was a long process but it was One That was much needed! It too put a lot of stress and anxiety on me and Corey! I went thru some deep depression I figured out who my true friends where and Who where just there cause I wanted them to be there! I found out That life on this side of the fence isn't all fun and games! Its hard not being able to go outside cause you can't get dressed alone! You have to have help with every move you make! I don't wish this on anyone and I'd hope that anyone that knows me knows One things for sure I Never gave up one once of hope! I kept fighting for what I felt was right! And I kept pushing myself harder and harder to keep up with the fast pace life I was used too! I've learned thru this experience that the government don't work one your time they work on their own time! Life waits for no one! I learned that too! But blog if One person sees me and realizes what I've been thru then maybe ill be an inspiration for them to keep pushing! Good Night blog!

Tornados, lost loved ones and just randomness!

April 27, 2011 is a day that will forever stand out in the minds of many Americans and many people as a day That tore a town apart and took many life's with it! Its a day That you can see that Tomorrow isn't promised as people dug for loved ones and tried to salvage a little of what was left! It caused a very special person to get a chance to live for 3 weeks until the lord decided it was her time! She suffered a lot of things! Her story has Been told several times over! Last Sunday afternoon I took a trip to That place where she once lived that not a single thing I remember is still standing! Her house, her favorite place to shop, her local dairy bar all gone! As I drove down her street it was so sad that its nuthing left! I headed on out of town to go my final good bye to this precious lady! I knew her thru my friend missy! She was missys aunt! She laid there looking so peacefully, and it was a sad night but I know where she was and she was having the time of her life! She ate supper that night with our Creator what better meal could anyone ask for!
RIP MARY MAXINE CHISM AKA AUNT MAC!.

As you all saw we lost a great man On may 1, in less than 2 days it'll be one month where has time gone! It seems like yesterday He was picking with us! But we know he's having the time of his life too! Long lived a great man!

This past week we went to JP Coleman state park on the tenn-tom waterway @Pickwick! We got there Monday but that was also the day I went to doctor to find out I had a sinus infection! So I didn't feel like fishing Monday evening and it was cool on Tuesday Morning so I didn't think I needed to be out in the morning air so I didn't fish Tuesday morning but went out that afternoon! We caught a few catfish and about 18 bream! Bream are fun to catch cause they are fighters! Wednesday morning we went fishing and caught a few more catfish! Wednesday evening we slept all evening and didn't go fishing! We decided to grill all our meats we had to grill at one time! Wednesday night it came a flood, winds got really high and we was under a Tornado watch! Well bout 15 miles from where we was a Tornado was spotted! So we lay there in bed and its getting pretty hairy outside and it settles down! We get up Thursday am and lay around most all day! That evening we decided to go fishing we caught a few more cats and breams! Went to clean them and a Guy that Corey knew he worked with told him bout a place to catch them by the dozens! So that night we run into nearest town and got green nightcrawlers! Cause he suggested it! Friday am we got up ate a lite breakfast and went out on lake and went where dude told us and low and behold in bout an hours time we had bout 20 cats in boat nice sized fish! So we fished to about 12 Because we was waiting on Corey's mom to come up and visit with us! So Friday evening we went over and cleaned all the cats we caught that day and Corey wanted to go fishing Saturday am but I wasn't feeling any better and my jaw started hurting to the point I couldn't even it! So I told Corey I thought we needed to pack up and go on home! So he could take me back to doctor! We get home around 10 or so and he takes me to doc and its been discovered that I have TMJ! Inflammation of the jaw muscle and joint! With my Arthur problem then its probably arthritis in my joint! So he gave me more meds! Great! So now ill be spending Tuesday looking for a dentist! My teeth are bad and I've said for years I needed to go have them all pulled and just get false ones! I might feel better bout myself if my teeth looked better! So I'm sure that's what he's gonna tell me! Which is five by me! That way I want have anymore toothaches! That would be a blessing!!
Well blog I'm caught up on my Life right now! So I guess ill go to sleep now! Good night!

Sad days and mothers day

On Sunday May 1, 2011 we lost Corey's dad to a long battle with cancer, and other things! He's much better off but it doesn't make it hurt any less! It was a sad but special day too! It was his Birthday so he got the greatest gift anyone could receive too meet our Creator and lord an Savior on his Birthday! He was a great man the 8 yrs I got to know him! He accepted me with open arms and never once acted like I didnt belong! It made me feel good to see how much of a family man he was! He loved his wife, kids, grandkids, and great grandkid! He took time out for them all, he never met a stranger and loved fishing! He's gonna be missed by so many but he's so much better off! He's not in any pain nor is he suffering anymore! We laid him to rest on Wednesday and it was my first ever military funeral! It was something that everyone should experience once in their life! It was a great honor to be a part of that great mans Life! When you hear Taps being played in the background if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes then I guess your not a true American! He was buried with military honors and it was something to see! When they presented the flag to his wife and the gentleman said what he said it made me cry again! Thanks Jody for fighting one of the worst fights ever! Vietnam was a hard war! Welcome home Jody and as you run freely remember to look at us and help us get along! We love you Jody Holland!

Now to mother's day is one week from the day Jody died! Its gonna be a hard day for Betty but I think with her boys around her she will be fine! To my mom that raised me to be the woman that I am today I love you and Thanks for supporting me in all I've done! To my stepmother that has seen me thru some tough times, had our ups and Downs but made it thru thanks for continuing to shape me into the woman I am! Thanks for helping my mom! To Margie the one that's seen me grow up, lost touch with me, found me again, and helped to continue to shape me into the female that I currently am! Life without all these women in it wouldn't Be the way it is today! Not sure I'd be who I am! Last but not least to my grandmother that taught me many things to help me survive this world we live in I love you mamaw and give Jody a hug for us!  Your missed more and more daily! Happy mother's day to all mothers reading This!

When I set this blog up it was for more less a way for me to vent my feelings and a way for me to tell others how I feel! It helps ie to speak my mind without intentionally hurting someone! If they Get offended then I'm Sorry now! Thanks for all my readers and all my followers! Good night blog!