Loss for words

The lord called home a special lady the other day and today at 10 am I get to say my finally good bye! She's much better off but the pain of losing her is still there! I guess ill look at as I gained another angel to watch over me! Times are hard but the lord never puts on us more than we can handle!
Friday Night I went to my friends house and ate supper played a few games of cards and then came home! I guess I needed that little break from reality! My life isn't as I've wanted it to be but its my life and im living It best I know how! I hope that things begin to look up once I get myself straightened out! Anger and more anger is Gonna be the death of me if I don't get help ASAP! A almost broken hand, a cut to my arm, a dent in my truck, and a brick wall that doesn't give! I've learned that I need help! So I've seeker out help and I begin counseling on next Tuesday! Hope she's ready! I am! The hand still hurts, the arm has healed, the dent is a painful reminder and the brick wall well its still smiling say I've hurt many and im still standing! I guess every time I look at it and the dent should remind me not to do it again! Ill never and I mean unless its just an absolutely an emergency will I ever go to Walmart in pontotoc or pontotoc lake! Those two places hold some memories that I hope one day will be erased out of this worthless mind of mine! The reminder as I drive by going to my Moms is bad enough! I might not ever eat subway from pontotoc either! It hurts to go in subway period cause one of the last times I was in there was with a girl that I fell in love with and hurt her badly in the end! But as those last time I saw her I told her that it might be the last and that was Friday before Christmas Eve! It was the last! I hope she's very happy and has found her a job and forfilling her dream! I hate that it ended way it did but I guess its for the best! Someone once told me that something's are better off gone than hanging around! Although I miss our random chats and our random problem solving but I guess she saw I wasn't good enough or I wasn't the one! A few days ago I was looking thru my phone and found a poem she wrote me and as I read it it brought tears to my eyes! I hope that if she reads this she'll know that I do miss her and I still have a love for her!
As my one chapter closes it hurts to see that I lost a great friend and one That I truly enjoyed talking too! But I guess she felt the need to walk away when it wasn't even my fault! Maybe im not the greatest friend that I truly thought I was! But I hope she's happy too and has a Great life! Its a sad start to a new year but maybe its for the best!
As my marriage was falling apart I truly figured out who would stand beside me and behind me and the ones that choose to turn their back on me! Not only friends but family too! It hurts but their loss is another persons gain! It will be a sad day when these people come crawling back to me when something goes wrong in their Life! I hope that they realize that im truly not a bad person! But as my pieces to my heart a slowly forming a heart again! Some may never be found! Every one that has ever said they loved me always seemed to find away to break my heart! I hope that maybe things will begin to look up and the suicidal thoughts will ne forever gone! And to the ones that chose to walk away When I needed you most consider this your final good bye! Cause in my heart and mind your dead!
Life's too short to be unhappy and I've been unhappy almost all my life its now that I start living like there's no tomorrow! Well blog its been good talking to ya! One things for sure you just listen and Never speak back!