Over the past few weeks, months and years I've lived hidden deep in a shell trying to hide from the world, hiding from the ones I loved the ones that loved me! Its been a long journey thru many heart breaks, lots of headaches and most of all a lot of tears! The pain of hiding has caused a lot of anger, emotional pain and tears! The anger I Think stems from not having a loving family growing up! Being pushed and shoved around so much that I didn't know where I was gonna sleep this weekend or who would be the one taking care of me! The temper I guess is part of me that's been pasted down from my parents and there parents! Its funny how we see ourselves in the way our parents acted as we was kids! I Thought I was one of the boys all my life! I wanted to be like my dad, I wanted to join the army, be a truck driver and all the manly things! I never played with dolls, if I did I lost her clothes or took her head and arms off! Just like a boy would! I felt attractions for women as a child I kissed my first girl at 8 and I knew then something was different about me! But I hid those feelings cause I was raised that was wrong! No matter how hard I tried growing up to be one of the girls it never worked, I was one of the boys! I played football, baseball with the boys! Didn't bother me to run, sweat and get muddy! At the age of 8 my dad begin to do things to me, like have me suck his dick, ride him and he'd finger me! He always told me its OK all dads do this to their little girls! I believed him cause I thought he was right! Then one day my ex stepmother caught him and instead of taking me out of his care she left me there! He continued on and my other ex stepmother caught him she never said a word either! I just thought it was normal! I never thru out my whole teenage and high school years never dated! I'd kiss a boy name Brad but nothing more! When I'd kiss him it didn't interest me! At 16 I had a female apporach me and one thing lead to another and I enjoyed it! It felt so right! From that point on I hid those feelings Cause I knew that it wasn't right! I went to college and tried again and the feelings of being with a female was overwhelming and I enjoyed it so much! Then I hid them again cause I didn't want my family knowing cause I thought it would kill my mom! Then in 2001 I got kicked out of my moms and I moved here to tupelo! I did the whole dating a Guy thing cause I didn't want my dad knowing! Me and him broke up and I turned to another female the feeling was still there! Then I decided it was truly just a phase I needed to truly focus on find Mr right! So I found Corey! He showed me that not all men where bad, he showed me love from a man I'd never had, showed my attention that I've always wanted! Then after we'd been married almost 5 yrs he started showing me less attention, less love and less compassion! Sex started being like OK im done Good night, so I went searching for a friend that truly was only gonna be a friend but ended up being a lover for 3 yrs! I finally told him I was in love with her and I wanted out of our marriage! I left with her he called me crying and begging me to come back I did! I made a promise that She was the last and I Feel he never believed me! His brother moved in soon after that and the passion that was once there left, the drive to wanna be with just him left, the lies he told about stupid things like dipping and looking at porn kept adding up! I caught him several times jacking off to porn on the computer! Caught him playing with himself to porn on TV! I told him over a YEAR ago I feel trapped iN my own house! Like im being watched like a hawk and if I move anything then im gonna get scolded by his brother! I asked him to make him go, he never did! I caught him looking again at porn finally I decided ya know what damn it im gonna look too! Pulled up an old ad I had moons ago and looked! Talked to a couple but nothing more! He found the ad on my computer and that lead him to a lawyer without asking me or nothing! But its OK for him to look at other women and Jack off to them fucking other men but its not OK for me to look for a friend with a benefits! I mean really! But then I guess that its just me! He tells me Dec 14 that he wants a divorce and I said well who goes and he said you do this is my house! I started packing all my stuff up And not one time did he cry! Did he beg me to stay! Not one time did he ask me to not go! So I leave, I come back later that evening and he says the locks will be changed tomorrow and I said why im not gonna come wipe you out! I drove over to the house at 10 am on Dec 15 the locks had been changed AND he stood in kitchen and said I needed assurance that I wasn't gonna wake up to you holding a gun at my head! I've never even Thought about that! Then it caused me so much pain and anger that I had a panic attack! He sat on couch and said its not the end of the damn world calm down all while I couldn't breathe and was gasping for air! Then I call my stepmother to come over to the house to Get me and She tells me she's sending my dad! Then he decided he best do something to try to help me! I literally Thought I Was dying and he was gonna watch me! No remorse what so ever! No love no compassion no nothing! Just watched Me suffer! Then tells my dad that I just over reacted AND that he changed locks cause the lock broke! From Dec 15 I gave him the space, time he needed I didn't bother him I didn't text him! I just let it go! He asked me to meet him at Ford place to get oil changed and let's talk! We did I'd already made my mind up and he asked Me to let's please work on things! I told him get brody out of that house now! He never said one word to him! Dec 31 he tells him Jan 3 I get invited to house for supper and I get a sob story about his poor brother has no Where to go! I said 3 months and he best be gone! Then Jan 5 I hear that poor brody is taking Corey out to eat! It pissed Me off and I got mad! Grabbed a knife but never pointed it at him actually put it up When I realized what I done! Then Jan 6 I moved back in I started getting mixed signals like him sleeping with Me AND cooking for me! Then I hear momma wants me to go to counseling Then its your decision whether or not I go then last night I hear I wanna another chance but im Not putting him on curb! Then he's looking for him as in brody an apartment! But told me I better find my own place to live! I don't know what im doing or Where im Headed but I know its killing Me! Im ready to die! Even prayed for God to take Me and cast me into Hell! Ugh! Confused and hurt!
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