mind running wild

You can read the words that I write down but you'll never know what's really going on in my head! I'm like a firetruck headed to a fire! I'm full of words that I don't know how to put on paper to make them sound like something! Its just like I got all this stuff in my mind that needs to be let out but where do I begin! Before its to late! I'm not gonna stand here and let you make me out to be the one I'm not! I'm a happy person with words that can light up the sky at nite! If you don't know then just ask because I aint afraid to tell u just how I feel! You might not like it when I'm done but damn it its how I feel! Never in my life have I felt this passionatly about quiting my job! Its not gonna be an easy decision but one that has to be made on behalf of my health! Its not because I hate my job cause I don't! I love it to say the least! Not everyone can say that about the place they work! I met many life long friends! Its been quite a journey but its not one that I'd take say I hated! Its one for the record! Living my life the best way I know how! Its either you follow me or join me for the ride! Its gonna be a long hard road so if ur up for the challenge then come on! I'm not afraid of anything! I'm ready to take a stand and brand my body for the pain I've been thru! Its not an easy road I've been down I always did things the hard way never looked for the easy way out that just wasn't me! I'm a fighter not a hater! Ill fight tooth and nail for something that I want! I'm not gonna give up easily! Just ask my friends! They will tell you wgo I really am! I'm the one that's been standing behind them all pushing the to be better and never give up! Now its them pushing me to keep moving! Maybe it took me going thru the pits of hell to come out where I am now! Its not everyday you get to walk hand and hand with the devil and come out alive! Its like I told a friend one time it takes a strong hearted person to do what I did! I went thru the most difficult time in my life with no regrets or regards to who I hurt or what I did! I waa living for the moment! When you live for the moment you best be prepared to go thru the darkest parts of ur life or you'll never make it out alive! Hell isnt the best place to be! Its hot there but with good friends, family and God I made it back to the other side before I served my time! I never thought that it would be like that but in the end I learned a hard lessaon!! One that isn't taught by anyone but the devil hisself! It took me doing a lot of soul searching, thinking and sleeping to make it out! I had a lot of aplogizing to do when I did come out! Thank God for better days and things to come! As you read these words I hope you get to see a deeper side of me than you've ever seen before! It doesn't take long to realize that what you have before you is the best thing that could ever happen to you! I also learned that no matter what your mom is still gonna love u until the end! She's been my biggest supporter! She never looked down on me when I told her I was bisexual! She didn't say I hate you all she said was I've been waiting for u to tell me! It made me feel good because I was worried! But my whole family have stood behind me in my coming out process! It feels great to finally be open bout my sexuallity and not have to worry bout hiding it! Now if only coreys family would accept me and not look down on me! I'd be in a great place! My sexuallity isn't my biggest problem with his family! Actually they all love me and I love them just sometimes its like the act like they are better than me! I don't care for ppl like that! People that are bi, gay, lesbian or trannies are just like the next straight person! We put our pants on one leg at a a time! Nuthing different about us but what we like in our private lives! That's the only difference! But to some people we are against those and think we are all going to hell! Well, like I told my husband if that's the case of us going to hell then all these men who think porn is the best thing out there then where are u going? You going to hell with me! I aint gonna be walking that road alone or standing in the line getting in! You gonna be right there with me arm and arm! Skipping our way to see the might wizard! But, its not what u are its what's in ur heart! I also told him that he probably words side by side and even sits by someone that is gay, bi or lesbian at work, church, restaurant! You don't know unless thet tell u or have something on that says they are! No one knows it and its none of anyones business! But until you are happy with yourself and the things around you, then you will never be able to come out to the world! Just like my friends jo and lauren until they are happy with there lifestyles then they will never be able to actually come out so to speak to the world! You'd be very surprised at the ppl that know just by ur reactions to things and the way you act around certain ppl! I told jo and lauren both that I'd be standing beside them when they decided to tell the world they are a couple and a happy couple! But until then its my secret and theirs! Ill never out anyone because I didn't want to be outed before my time! But lifes to short to stand around and wait for everyone to accept you for who u are! You gotta be able to accept yourself! Well, the words flow on this page like the way the come in my mind random! But blog it feels great to let out the feelings I've been holding back! No holds bar now! I'm outta here! Catch ya on the flip side of the pillow! Holla if u hear me! I'm not afraid!

3 words that hurts to say!

In life we meet different types of people! It takes every type to make the world go 'round! When we meet the person that makes us smile just talking bout them then u know that you've found someone special! It takes a lot for some people to be able to say the 3 words that make up I LOVE YOU! Now, to some they like to use those words freely just for the sake of talking! Others it for real! Life isn't the easiest thing you can go thru! Your gonna get hurt, heartbroken and last but not least someones gonna tell u they love u! Now, this leads to a special friend in my life that in earlier blogs I've bashed badly but we both are extremely happy and want the best for both! Its been little over a month now almost 2 since she's started dating this woman in her life! Up until today they had not uttered the words I love u! One because jo (not actual name) had been hurt by previous realationships and didn't think its fair to just throw those words around and two lauren(not actual name) had never been in a lesbian relationship and was truly scared! It takes a lot for lauren to hide her feelings because she's not out to the world but jo gives her that respect! Because truly jo isn't out to the world either! But today jo and I had planned out the way jo was gonna tell lauren! Now mind you jo is nervous but I told her it would come out natural when she least expected it! Jo and Lauren went to eat and jo just looked lauren in her eyes and said I love u! Lauren said I was wondering how long it was gonna take u! A few tears where shed but a lasting relationship was finally bond together with those 3 words! Once they are said things can move on from here! Jo and lauren are happy and I'm happy for both! I love you both and want nuthing but the best for u both! Jo just treat lauren like I taught you how to treat a woman! Lauren let jo make u the happiest woman alive! Thanks for allowing me to be apart of such a great thing! *cheers* *hugs*

Good night blog I've done my job today! I brought another couple to terms with those 3 words! I love you!

If u break it down I(means the one talking) Love (what's in ur heart, the way u feel) you(the person ur telling it to)!

Not Afraid

Sometimes songs I hear just strike me! The make me think! I relate to them! I know its crazy but I do! Just like this one!

Not Afraid by Eminem

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

(Intro)Yeah, It's been a ride...I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow meI'll get you there

(Verse 1)You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he
From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shit'n
Whether he's on salary, paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shit's his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the universe

(Hook)I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

(Verse 2)Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was "ehhhh"
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground

just sayin'

As long as we continue down the same path we can't ever expect a different result! I'm tired of fighting a losing battle! But, I can't give up! I've got too many friends that need me! Friends come all shapes, colors, sizes and values! I've found an old high school friend that every moment I get with her I cherish like its the last! I've still got a friend in my stepmom that I truly thought I'd lost! We've been thru a lot! I've seen became friends with my exgf because I still love her and want to see her happy! My work friends are still there! They still miss me and God knows I miss them! I'm very happy with my life! I feel like I must of went thru the 7yr itch stage! Corey makes me happy I don't need another realationship to fill the gap anymore! I'm not gonna tell you that ill never sleep with another woman because its something that I might want again one day! Another woman makes me feel special she knows the things that turn me on the things that make me smile! I have a woman in mind that I told my best friend marty that the next woman I slept with would be this woman that will remain nameless in case she reads this blog! She doesn't know how I admire her or how I've day dreamed bout her! I'm never gonna tell her! She's happy and I'm happy! Why mess up our happiness? Times when I'm wide awake I miss my ex because I could call her and just listen to her talk and it would comfort me enough to sleep! But I've moved on from that now I turn to my snoring husband for the comfort I need to put me to sleep! I know he loves me more than I give him credit for! I love him dearly! Life is full of mistakes but we learn from them and we move on! Thanks to a cold beer on occasion ill live to see 2morrow! Its little things in life that we take for granted! The times when you held my hand and told me its gonna be alright! I've learned from my mistakes! Life in the fast lane teaches you how to move! I'm in the slow lane now! I don't move like I used to! I can move like that! Good nite blog! Oh excuse me good morning blog! Another sleepless nite!

Fathers Day, visit with friend, etc

Its been a little while since I've blogged! This past sunday was fathers day! I felt like it was time to show my father just how useless, worthless, deadbeat he was! I laid in bed and wrote him a little letter via email! I just laid all my feelings out! He called me that day apologizing and telling me he loved me! Its a little late dontcha think! Well, lifes too short to dewell on past! So, I also felt the need to email a very special man and woman in my life to just let them know how much they made me feel and how much I've appreciated them! They called me and told me thank you and wanted to tell me they loved me! I went on monday and got my haircut so I dropped by to see them! I had a very nice visit with them! These ppl are the parents to the woman I was in a realationship with for 3 1/2 yrs! When I pulled up memories come flooding my brain! I almost couldn't handle it but I did! The memories of her and I kept poping in my head! They kept playing over and over! It was almost like I was reliving it again! I even fought back tears several times, I hid emotions just so no one will see them! It was hard but I made it thru it! I can't say that I don't still love her cause I do just not in love! She's found the right one for her! I wish them both best of luck! Nuthing but happiness! Its been a great wk so far! Its the little things I miss bout our relationship, the companionship, the being able to talk to someone that understood me, shared some of the same passions that I did! Also. The times we shared intimatly and non intimatly! But I'm happy in my life right now! He makes me happy I don't see me finding another woman anytime soon! But, before I go I want to say that why live in the darkness of hell, when you can live in the lightness of heaven! Good nite blog! Peace, love and happiness!

a tribute to a long lost friend!

A little detail about my friend marty! 14 yrs ago on may 23 I lost my best friend! We had been thru so much together! No she didn't die its just that we both went our seperate ways! I thought about her over the years but never slowed down to find her! Until the bright sunshiny day I was off work, playing on facebook and had a friends request from her! My heart stood still for a moment! I took a deep breathe and said lord is this my long lost best friend! He just looked down and said yes my child! It was the happiest day of my life! I'd never thought I'd ever find her again! I did! Thank you lord! Now u know a little bout her here's an email I sent her! Its my words nuthing copied nuthing like that! Enjoy! Good night and God bless!


Over the years we've changed, gotten older, lost a few hairs, some have turned gray, but one things for sure I never forgot u and you never forgot me! Its been years but it seems like yesterday that we saw each other! That we was still in high school! Its been a lot of water under the bridge! We've both experienced things that we needed each other for mentally and physically! I hate I've missed the birth of ur babies, the time of sorrow when u needed me most! But it was Gods will that he brought us back together! He has a way of bring two ppl back together when one or both needs it most! Marty, our busy life styles made us grow apart but this time we are slowing down to smell the roses! We only got one life to live why live it in the darkness of hell when u can live it in the light of heaven! It takes years to form the friendship we have and only hours to forget the times we had! Over the years I've searched for someone like u to be there for me like u had been! Just like u I'm sure u searched for someone like me! Its human nature we all do it! But I never found that person until that day u walked back in my life! My heart was whole again! The piece that went missing finally found its way back! Thanks for the true friendship we have! Its times like this I wish we lived closer! Cause when ur done reading ur gonna be crying and I wish I was there to whip the tears away! Just remember this I never lost hope of finding you again nor did I lose the love that I had for u then and the love that's gotten stronger since we've been talking! No matter how bad life gets remember I love u just the way u are! You never have to change for me cause ur just as beautiful today as you was that hot night in 1996 when I seen u last! Keep ur head up and never let anyone steal ur joy! I'm here to protect u from the storm and love u unconditionally and give u what ever you might need! I love u marty lynn baker! If no one else cares I do!

Your best friend,Christy lynn holland

took a trip down memory lane

Not even realizing today was my aunts birthday! I took a trip down memory lane! Eating my lunch today and my fork broke! I ended up just picking the stuff by hand and eating it that way! As I was eating I kept feeling like someone was laughing at me! I just closed my eyes for a minute and I saw my grandmother and aunt looking at me and laughing! I had bbq sauce all over my face! I heard in my mind aunt jeanette say that damn christy aint right! Mamaw said that's my girl I raised her right! There aint no shame in me what so ever! Its just amazes me how the littlest things remind me of them! It just takes time for all broken hearts to be healed and all wounds to heal but the scar is there to stay! My heart is scarred from so many losses that it might not ever heal! Well, blog that's my thoughts for 2nite! I'm headed to find mamaw in my dreams! Watch out uncle paul ur up next! Good nite all!