Depression

Sometimes depression kills people. Its been awhile since Ive been this depressed that I could careless about anything I do or doing. I just don't care really to eat or anything. I had a shot in my knee yesterday and it has made my knee hurt worse than it did before I got the shot. It got me down last night. I told my friends that I was gonna just kill my self and get it over with. I woke up this am in a little better mood than I went to bed with maybe I had a little relief from GOD he comforted me with some of my pain and made it a little better. Its still hurting like it was yesterday all day today. I can't strech it out or bend it, it hurts to get up off the couch, toliet and all the other things like have to get up off of. Interesting enough i can get in out of the truck with little to no pain and that is the funny thing. I just feel like giving up, because im sure that im headed in the direction of total knee replacement. Im really scared but i have too much to live for when i set down and think about all the good in my life. I have a great family and friends that keep me going. Thanks to all my good friends. I love you all. Only so long can a woman hide the feelings for another woman and hide the sexual feelings for another woman. For some reason these feelings come back when i get down and out. I guess because I can't do things with my husband because of my legs, with a woman i don't have to use my legs. These feelings are getting so strong that If the right woman was to walk in my house and said one word id have her in the bed and not stop until she told me too. Im happy with my life just need a little action from a woman and i feel like that i would be better. I just need that touch, feel of what a woman has. Maybe one day ill get my chance. Missy and I have been talking and she is happy, so Im not gonna ruin something that is a good thing. I know how it is to be lonely and feel like no one loves you. So I'm not going to even ask for it because i don't want her to cheat on her girlfriend because i know how that feels too. its not a good feeling. I love missy and shes a great friend and im so happy she has finally found her the perfect woman that makes her happy. Its hard to find the right one and when you do its the greatest experience known to man. Living like happily is better than living life with out anyone in you life. Thanks to her she has pushed me to keep going and im going to keep pushing her to be with her woman and make things better. i love you missy. Well, blogger i guess i need to get off here. Ive rambled on for a long time. Good night.

where to start

Its been a long few days since I last posted a blog. So much has happened that i don't know where to begin. First i guess, i should say that i got a new phone and can't blog from my phone anymore. Secondly, I spent 2 nights in the hospital with my husband because he was on the verge of a heartattack. Luckily i got him to the hospital in time before i lost my best firend, husband and lover. We come home on tuesday pm, i took a nap and got up and it all got better until today. My friend missy's ex decided to fucking mess with her and her friends and it just pisses me off. She isn't happy and doesn't want anyone else happy. Tonight, I got up, went down hall way to the bed room to watch the NY GIANTS play on the tv while he was watching something on the tv in the living room. I called missy because her girlfriend left mad and i was trying to calm missy down and let her know that she would cool off in a little bit and things would be fine. Just like i said missy's gf texted her and told her that she loved her thats a good sign that she is cooling off and doesn't want to break up over stupid shit. Then, i got up out of the bed and started down the hallway only to start a fight with my husband. Its like everytime hes in the living room alone and on the computer i think he is on a porn site because he has been caught to many times looking at porn. Now i haven't been with a woman since this time last year because I dont' want to be with one. When missy and i broke up i made a vow to be faithful to my husband. Missy and I have been talking but she knows im happy with him and she understands that i love him. I started off down the hallway tonight and i thought i saw him looking down the hallway at me like he was hiding something. So i said oh here she comes i better close down what im doing and it started a fight. He made a mark that i had hurt him because i was accusing him of something he hadn't done. Then he said well, what if i had said i don't trust that your not fucking missy. I said it wouldn't bother me because i know im not and im not quilty of something. I looked at him and said why are we still together and his reply hurt me deeply, ripped my heart clean out my chest. He said, I DON'T KNOW!!!!!! that ripped my heart cleanly out of my chest that is telling me that you hate me. So, i started crying and i just told him that i was going to pack my stuff up and id be out by morning. I love this man and everyone will tell you that ive come along ways from this time last year. if i didn't love this man i wouldn't be with him right now. I'd left him for missy when i had the chance to leave him. I sit here tonight and told him that if he would quit looking at porn id walk away from missy and never go back. I mean that. Im sorry missy but you know that when you love somoene you will do what ever it takes to keep them and never let them go. I told him i said corey i love you with all my heart, id lay down and die for you, if they had said christy he needs another heart, id told that doctor to take mine right out of me and give it to him and let me die thats the honest GOD truth. Id walk out in front of a bullet if it would save him from getting shot. If that isn't love then i don't know what the fuck love is. Now, i feel like that he will never ever quit looking at porn so i have no worry about walking away from my friend missy. So missy you have no worries. I love ya girl with out you sometimes i wouldn't be here. youve helped me thru so much and pushed me to keep going. If it wasn't GOD's will then we wouldn't be talking today. Thanks for helping me thru all that youve helped me thru and im still here. I love you and i truly love corey russell holland. good night blog..

Time for change!

Haven't blogged since I lost my son I felt it was time! I've been reading a blog about a woman who at the age of 35 admited to herself and others she was a lesbian! I'm not saying that I'm bout to divorce my husband because I'm not! I love him dearly with all my heart! What I am saying is that its time for me to make a change in my life and quit hiding behind the trees and face the world as a happy bisexual female! Either you love me for me or u don't! Its up to you! I can't make you nor am I gonna push you! I will not stand around and let someone talk bout gays/lesbians/bis/trans because we are just like you! We put our clothes on just like you, we eat the same food you do, we wear the same clothes you do! What happens in our bedrooms isn't any of your business! Do not ask and you want ever hear! Thank you! Enough about that! The other change I'm gonna make is what my husband and I eat! He has to lose the weight and I can stand to lose a little 2! The hard part is that I'm on predisone which makes me hungry! Little known fact is that weight loss is a lifestyle change! It takes courage and determination! Next, you know its hard losing an animal its like losing an aunt, uncle, mom or dad! But, I know he's better off! Next, I've had a really hard time fighting back emotions for a person but its getting easier because I know she's happy! She's in love and that makes it a little easier! Once you cross the friendship/sexual line then its really hard to go back! But we both are happy and it makes the transition much easier! I'm not gonna say that I don't love her sexually cause I still have a love for her! No doubt! Just like with your first love you will always have some sort of feelings! Its human nature! Its in our blood! But, the one I'm talking bout is reading this I hope she knows I want nuthing but the best for her and I'd never do a thing to come between her and her gf! I'm not a home wrecker when they are happy! Now I can't say I wouldn't try if they wasn't happy! But, missy girl you'll always hold a key to my heart! You and I shared lots of times just remember your my best friend! I'm here for you and you be there for me! Girl, I love you and hope you and michelle (who) have the best life possible! She makes your face light up and that makes me so happy! Never forget you got a lifelong friend in me! Thanks for everything! Now dry your eyes! You know u gotta read this to me! Hehe! Good nite blogland! Peace!

RIP BOOMER HOLLAND

As I write this blog out I have a very heavy heart that got ripped clean from my chest when we had to put my best friend, son and best dog a girl could ask for to sleep! He stole my heart 7 yrs ago this month and he never let go! The little things like the train going by and all the dogs barking tonight they didn't bark not one time! The memories of him flood my body just like if I'd lost a human family member! Its so weird him being gone! When I came home he wasn't waiting at door on me, he wasn't wagging his tail wanting in when I let bella in! He wasn't standing in his cage wanting me to pick him up! He just wasn't there! @928 am he went to sleep @ about 930am he took his sweet little breath! At that moment my heart shattered in a million pieces! I've yet to find them all! @650pm we laid in down in his final resting place! He's now in his favorite spot that he liked to lay! He's truly missed by so many and so many loved him dearly! Maybe one day ill find all the pieces to my heart and begin to put it back together! Until that time I know he's in doggie heaven and now I have another angel watching over me! Boomer Holland, buddy if ur seeing me write this out just know mommy and daddy loves you! I've cried until I don't think I can cry anymore! Its time to go buddy! I miss you and love u little man! My little one eyed monster! Your my best friend, son and compant that anyone could ask for! Lifes not the same without you! But buddy, just watch over me, daddy, uncle brody, granny, nana, poppa, mimi, papaw, aunt missy, and last but not least heather! Watch over us buddy as we make our way thru this world without our best friend! Watch over the other ones that loved you as well! Ones not mentioned in this blog buddy you know who they are! Thanks for great memories and the best friend I could ever ask for! You knew things that I possibly couldn't begin to tell anyone! You knew before I could tell a soul! Buddy, the trains coming thru, I hear you barking right now! Your wife bella misses you more than I could possible know! She misses chewing on ur little ears, trying to get you to play even when you didn't feel like it! Buddy oh pal I love u and may you have the best life possible now! No more nasty dog food, no more nasty flavored treats, buddy your in heaven and I'm sure you've got the finest things! More places to to mark ur terroritory than ever thought imaginable! Buddy, run wild and free and mark every thing you can! Mommy and daddy truly miss you! We love u son! Good night and have a great life with the rest of the doggies and mean ol cats! Buddy, I can't close this blog cause there's so much more to say but I have to! Daddys got supper cooked! Ill make sure to save u the bone!

.1.1.1.1.1

As the words form in my head and my fingers type them out! Its hard sometimes not to think bout the things you could of done differently or said at the right time! I've got list of things I'd change if I could but you know I can't so its no need in writing them down! Life isn't made up of easy roads its made up of hard streets! Never take anyone for granted because that person will be the one to hurt you in the end! I feel like I'm married to this disease that's taken my body over as eminems song goes I'm taken control bitch I'm serving u with divorce papers because its too late to go to the other side! I've served my time! That's how I feel! Although I can't serve my body with papers or push it out my life because hell its my body! I'm gonna ramble like always its just the way I talk! Tonight, I went out for the 2ms! Mexican and margaritas! Its like u can't have one with out the other! I'm no alcoholic but I do enjoy drinkin occasionally! Yea when I drink I get a little tipsy! Wow! You know your mind isn't right when u drink so I let it slip that this girl in the restaurant was sexy! My hubby didn't care that I said that! But damn when a womans pretty tell her because if you don't then her self esteem will get low to the point that she doesn't give a shit! That's me! I could care less what u thouhgt about me! I'm fat, fluffy and fucking proud of it! Yep that's me! Don't need anyone to tell me I'm all the above! Well blog as I said before these words on this page is useless as can be! Peace out biatches!

worth nothing!

These words that fill this space is worth nothing to anyone but me! Its worth lots to me because it gives me the time to clear my head of all the jumbo mumbo that fills the wide open space between my ears! These words are worth nothing but if the right person got a hold of my work I might have a book written! Have u ever felt like someone wrote about you! Most bloggers think their stuff is worth nuthing just like me! I'm a hopeless, helpless blogger with no ryhm or reason and its chalk full of nothings! Sometimes in like we often feel that life is worth nuthing! It could be because you lost your job, family member or just a friend! It can make u feel worthless! I know trust me, I speak with cofindence and expertise! Life is what you make it, I've tried to make mine as worthling as possible but at times I feel like I'm worth nuthing! Its truly amazes me everytime I reread the things I've written that the things I write are worth nothing! You don't know how a person feels unless you have lived their life! Until then just remember we are worth something! Worth nothing is useless words that cause pain, drama and lives hurt! Well, bloggers that's all of my worth nuthing words that I have to say to fill this page! Just like my head the space is now worth nuthing!

You can stand there and watch me write out how I feel but do u really understand I blog it because I can't speak it! I'm a book waiting to be written but no author of my own life! Its another day another time I lay in bed and wonder what if and would I and how come! But I can't tell u that I'm not gonna be a better person with out showing u! Why tell u something if I aint willing to take a stand and change? Its just like the things that goes on around us if its not said then how did this man know that the world was round! Wow! The things that we say can make someone smile or cry! Yes my blogs are random but I live a random life! I like it like that because it keeps people guessing what's she gonna say or do next! Never does a day go by that I don't leave someone guessing! Lifes too short to be sad all the time its time to smile that u made it another day! Every minute the lord calls another one home! Death isn't easy to digest but its the best thing sometimes! Suffering is a form of the devil testing the limits of the lord! Just look at me I'm suffering in pain everyday have I given up no! I continue to send the devil packing everyday that I pop another pill! Wow! Its great to be able to write these things down because hell if I didn't I might explode! Yea I made u smile, that's my job! Just like today I told a friend the disability ppl called and she thought I said the village ppl called! Lmao right now! Its the things like that can make ur darkest days brighter! Never go one day with out a smile or the devil will think he's won again! Yes folks the devil loves to play mind games! Just remember if ur minds right all u gotta do is tell him to pack his shit and keep it moving! As these words fill this page I'm lead to believe that I'm just another helpless blogger with no true meaning behind my actions or thoughts! If u don't like what I write or how I write then u know what I say! Get the fuck off my page cause ur shit aint welcomed here! Good night blog! Good morning friends!
Peace, love and beer!
Peace out! :-)!