Hmm

"I think you still love me, but we can't escape the fact that I'm not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I'm not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I'm not angry, either. I should be, but I'm not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong." 

These words have filled my mind a thousand times but I couldnt quite get the words in order to make the sound right! But I found it tonight and omg I cried as I read it!! Memories filled my heart and dried my tears, but the scars are still deep! Well just wanted to share blog!! 

Hmm

"I think you still love me, but we can't escape the fact that I'm not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I'm not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I'm not angry, either. I should be, but I'm not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong." 

These words have filled my mind a thousand times but I couldnt quite get the words in order to make the sound right! But I found it tonight and omg I cried as I read it!! Memories filled my heart and dried my tears, but the scars are still deep! Well just wanted to share blog!! 

Wasting my time

Ive been wasting my time on something that's never gonna happen, I've given up hope and I'm moving on, it's time to take what's left and move forward! I guess that the time I wasted was worth one thing a whole lot of nothing, it's been a fun ride but as every ride at some point in time it must come to a stop! I've given this one too much of my time and too much of my life! So from this moment on I shall leave to the others as I care not to waste anymore time! Ugh frustrated and I'll but I'll live peace

Damn it's hot!!

Yes it's summer time in the good ol Mississippi!! I wish I had a pool or lived close to the beach cause then I might not complain about how hot it is, cause the ocean is calming and the San between your toes is amazing!! I was coming home from taking my friend to work and a song came on the radio that reminded me of times when my grandmother was living, times we shared and times that would always bring joy to my eyes and heart!! I wish I could remember how the song went but I was so caught up in memories that I didn't really pay attention to the song, at times I pull out a picture of her and look at it, just because I know I've got a special angel looking down on me!! One that knows me like she's knows the back of her hand!! Sometimes I sit and listen to songs that remind me of things in that might of happened in my life at some point!! The lyrics to one song I told to someone just today and that song is "You are not alone" by Micheal Jackson! If you ever sit and listen to those words they have lots of meaning, they show a lot of feeling and they will remind you of something or someone! It always does me! Not only one person but it reminds me of a lot of people! But I guess that it has more meaning than some songs I've related too! It's on the list of go rest high on the mountain, songs that I can't listen too with out shedding a few tears! But today over all was a good day, did some computer junking and talked to several friends, helped one friend figure out her husband was really a loser and she needed to sign the divorce papers that's she's been holding on too just for hope I guess! I really not sure why but then I told another friend how I felt about her and I guess she got the hint! Ya I mean ya know don't call me or text me only when something is going on damn it call or text me all the time! Fuck being a fair weather friend, I ain't got time for that, told another friend that she got a taste then got scared and oh that didn't set too well I guess today was just down ppl day lol! It's all good, life will reset itself and things will be alright or if they ain't then you wasn't a good friend anyways! Well blog I guess I better get my azz in bed, cause I told margie i might come see her tomorrow, so I guess I better sleep while I can! Peace!! 

Searching

Im searching for the one thing that can make me really happy, the one person that will love me like they've never loved before, the one something that will for fill my life with happiness and respect, honor and diginity and hope! I had it one time but let it slip thru my fingers, now all that's left is broken promises and endless friendship! More than I can say for other things, more than I can say for some people! If I ever get the chance again, it want slip thru my fingers this time! They say time heals all wounds, heals broken hearts, heals most anything but one thing it doesn't heal is the scar that's left behind! The scar that I look at daily and say why oh why did this happen to me! The scar that's there to remind me of where I've been, what I did and the scar that reminds me of my days gone by! The emptiness inside of me is overwhelming at times that I feel like I'm gonna drown soon, the feeling of being alone, the feeling of not knowing what to expect from anyone or anything! The loniness that feels my heart when I cry out for someone to love me! I look at the scar and I see why I'm empty, why I'm alone, I'm just too good to be true! I can't love someone else when I don't love myself! I say I love you and I mean I do love you but there's something deep inside of me that says the love isn't true cause I feel I may never be with you fully, I may never have you all to myself, life will never be complete until I find the missing piece of me! I thought I did 10 yrs ago but it's not the right fit, I thought I had 5 yrs ago but it wasn't right either, over a yr ago I thought that was the missing piece but that wasn't the right fit either, I now think I've found the right one but something's telling me it's not right either, so where is the missing link to this puzzle, will I find it before its too late, will I have a chance to see it before its too late, will I ever find the right fit for me that's missing? Only time will tell! To all reading this blog I'm sorry if I ramble on about nothing but all the words on this page is what's rolling in my head! Peace

Sometimes

I wonder what it would be like to just get in my truck and drive, not stopping but to pee, fill up and sleep! Maybe sleep, I'm just a little lonely as I always am! I got only a few friends that I talk to no one to actually hang out with that's here in tupelo! I mean I have one friend but Dana works all the time and she ain't got time for me, I just don't got anyone else! Yes I'm lonely and bored and my mind is going a thousand different ways and I just wish I didn't feel so alone in this big ol world! I wish I had a girl to call my own and her call me her own but I don't! I wish I had someone to hold me and not want just sex I mean I need some attention not just sex! But that's all he wants, fuck that I need affection, I need love and attention! Anyways I guess I'll just close this blog and say fuck it!! To hell with it all peace

If you only knew.......

What I feel down deep inside, what I want more than anything else, where I'd love to be and what truly makes me smile! Would you still be here, would you try your best to make what I want happen, would you go to the place id love to be, and would you do what makes me smile? Ponder those questions and I'm sure the answers that your gonna give are gonna be something like this! I'd be right there with you doing all things that make you happy! Down deep inside of me is a person fighting to get out daily, she pushes and shoves, and doesn't make it but a few steps daily before I slowly push her back deep down inside of me, why you might ask because the girl inside of me isn't socially accepted and I'm sure I'd lose the few friends I do have and I'd lose the few family members that's left that love me, and as ive said I wouldn't be accepted! Fear of rejection out weights everything that I've ever longed for! Fear of retalliation against me is something that I hold high, and fear of losing my family is even higher! 

Today I had my infusion and there was a woman in there that was so sick from cancer that she gave me the motivation to keep going! She was about 85 yrs old but said young lady don't let this get you down cause I'm still driving myself around and I'm still kicking you can too!!  It made me think about the times I about gave up hope but one thing it did was give the girl inside of me a little confidence to keep pushing me to let her out! So I ask myself what do you do? And I told myself that happiness is what I want and happiness is what I need and I am somebody and the somebody I'm with doesn't want me to be somebody so I've decided that I work on slowly allowing this person deep inside of me to come out! It's that time that I find who I really am!! Good night blog! Peace!