Hmm

Well, last night hurt me so bad that I just wanted to end it all!! I just wanted to say fucked and be like its over! But today was a little better, had lunch with my friend and she cheered me up!! Thanks Stephanie!! Then, I wrote my mom a letter! Yes I sat down and wrote her a letter, I felt she needed to see how much pain I was in!! She needed to hear it first hand how much it hurts! I guess that I need to tell her that I'm so hurt!! I hope that she will see that's shes hurt me! I'm just really ready to say to hell with it!! But I'm a little better!! Just gotta let go! Peace!

Hmm

Well, last night hurt me so bad that I just wanted to end it all!! I just wanted to say fucked and be like its over! But today was a little better, had lunch with my friend and she cheered me up!! Thanks Stephanie!! Then, I wrote my mom a letter! Yes I sat down and wrote her a letter, I felt she needed to see how much pain I was in!! She needed to hear it first hand how much it hurts! I guess that I need to tell her that I'm so hurt!! I hope that she will see that's shes hurt me! I'm just really ready to say to hell with it!! But I'm a little better!! Just gotta let go! Peace!

Feelings!

I've let you walk across my heart for the last time! Tonight was the finally straw that broke the camels back, yes your my mother but as far as I'm concerened your dead! I asked you 2 days ago to take a few days off and go with me to Atlanta to see the braves play and you told me you didn't have the time to take off! Tonight you call me and tell me your going to Atlanta tomorrow and you even asked me how to get to 78! That means your coming thru tupelo! Was I asked to go, no why because you already told my sister, her friend and my cousin you'd pay for all of it! Yes your a fucking asshole! I wish that I could tell you just how I feel but I can't! Do you not understand why I don't come to see you often? Do you not understand when I ask for some mother daughter time just us and you always say heather wants to go! Fuck can I not have time with my mother? What is so fucking wrong with me that you hate me so fucking much that you don't want to spend a few mins with me! I just don't get it! I'm ready to say fuck you and just walk away and never look back!! I can't deal with you cause I'm too weak and you know it just pisses me off more that you go out of your fucking way to do for my sister but push me away and push me down! You bragged about things to me, what I'd I fucking bragged about everything I did to you! You know from now on I care not to see you ever again! You can have my sister and brother! I'm done!! I'm over! Peace

Been awhile

The more I think about you the more my memories flood my brain of the happy times the times I thought I couldn't live with out you, but also all the times that you told me you loved me, but it seems that you've moved on with out even looking back!! You've moved on and didn't once think about all the times we had! It hurts to see you with someone else to see you so in love, but I'm learning to move on and it seems that the ones I like just don't like me! I'm so tired of trying and no one cares enough to say hey I can't see you no more cause your such and such! I mean damn just tell me! It'll only hurt for a little while!! But anyways, life must go on and life must continue this up hill climb that it's on! Good night peace!

Well...

As the days continue to be dim and my night continue to be spent hoping I've learned something that I'm proud to say the other person cared more about my feelings than I did! I was living a little loosely and my friend reeled me in for that I'm thank full! I couldn't think her enough but I'm not gonna say that it doesn't hurt cause it does! It hurts cause I still love her and would do what ever to be with her but tonight I realized that she knew better than me! I've given up the fighting feeling and the hope of another day! It's gone, I'm done! I've official over it! 

Sometimes it takes me seeing it and hearing it and I guess it almost slapping me in the face for me to realize that I might mean well in my mind but in reality Its not for the best! Today I should say being that is 12:36am I'm going to see Lisa and I'm gonna have a long talk with her! I'm at a point in my life I need security, I need the knowing that something might happen soon! I don't need the well I don't know, maybe, or maybe nots anymore! So, I hope that things are ok soon! 

Last thing blog that's been on my mind is that if I don't get some relief soon I'm gonna end up not where anyone wants me to be! Either mental hospital or grave! I need away from this place, away from this thing called home! It's sad that I feel I need to go away to just be happy! I'm trapped and if I don't get out soon it's not gonna be safe! Anyways, good night blog! Until we meet again!

Disappointed

My friend told me she wanted to see me on several occasions and it just seems that every chance we get something always comes up! I know it's hard when your trying to not get caught by your sneaky husband, but times you need to learn to tell him to leave you alone! Yes I told her I was heartbroken cause I've waited so long on something that's never gonna happen I guess! I guess I'll just kick a few rocks and keep going, then comes my other friend that's going thru a difficult time and is confused but I try to tell her that I'd be willing to show her the things she needs but she told me that she didn't want to hurt me again but little does she know until she reads this blog she already did! I was willing to share her with her gf and show her the affection, attention she needs cause the very same thing I need at this very moment! It's ok cause I do still love her and yes I probably would of been hurt worse than now maybe tonight just wasnt a good night! Maybe today was just a bad day! Maybe I was wearing my heart on my sleeve when I should of just kept inside my shirt, maybe I'll learn one day that it's meant to be worn inside and not out side!! Anyways, I must try to sleep, maybe I'll have a dream about someone else! Not sure who but someone! Anyways Natasha I do love you and thank you for thinking of me enough to not take my hints and to not let me fall deeper in love and get hurt worse! To the other person mentioned in this blog that doesn't have a clue this site exist your day will come that you get your hopes up and nothing happens as planned! Pay backs are hell! So sorry!! Anyways peace! 

Waiting on daylight!

These nights get longer every day, the days seem like they are longer too! The hours that pass are killing me, but the moment I see you Itll be like no one else is around! iWeb the morning comes I hope that you've rested and your able to see the new day! This past month has been long but the days are closer til I see you again, I miss you and love you but I'm not sure if you do the same! It's been tough but I've gotta keep going, can't wait for the right moment, cause how do I know when the right moment will be? I don't! Enough about that! 

I've been a relationship advice giver the past few days, I don't know all the answers, I don't know what to say, but I do know how they feel and how much it hurts! I guess I'm just a good person to forgive easily and forget quickly! Maybe one day I'll be a little harder and not be so easy but right now they need a friend to help them thru a tough time! Ones breaking up and the other is not sure how she's gonna tell the one that walked out on her she's not sure she's interested! But I guess we all deserve a second chance and we all should try one more time! I might not be good enough for either of these friends that I've given advice too but one promise I made them both was I'd always be there friend! My other promise to them was to be there for them to lean on, and be a shoulder to cry on, and be the friend that I promises them I'd be! No one deserves to be hurt, no one deserves to be upset, no one deserves to be beat down! We all need that someone that's willing to push you when you need it, hug you when you need it, hold your hand and tell you it's gonna be ok! A true friend will stand beside, in front of you to shield you, behind you to push you but never will a true friend tell you to walk it alone! They will be there for support, to cheer you on and to wait for you in the end! Why do you thing friend ends with end cause a true friend will be there til the END!! 

Life isn't easy, nor is it fair, never will it be fairly easy, life is short but one thing for sure you hold the power in your hands to make your life full of happiness, and to make it complete! The choices you make today will have regrets tomorrow, but the regrets tomorrow will help you make the right choice the next day, never look at something as a bad thing because if you do then it will be a bad thing! Always hold your head high, and remember someone paved the path you walk with many trials and many tries! You too can make it, just gotta keep trying! Never say you can't because can't starts with CAN just like friend ends with END! You CAN be here until the END! I love you All!! Until next time! PEace!