Heartbroken

I have a very broken heart today. Its not because I lost someone its be cause I thought that I had the woman of my dreams and that she wanted me for me and wanted a relationship with me when and if something happened to me and my husband. I felt that she wanted me and then I finally seen the real truth. I spilled my heart out to her in a letter telling her I wanted her and that she would be the only woman I wanted and wanted to be with. She replied back with I don't want a relationship with anyone right now. Then goes on down and tells me she will always love me. Too me that means that she still have a glimmer of hope that one day we would be together forever. If you telling someone that you will love them forever then you still want them to be with you forever. I guess that I was truly mistaken, I hope that life will begin to look up now that I don't have to worry about the fact that I love a woman that really doesn't love me like I truly love her. I love this woman and always will and one day I would always hope that she will see that shes the only woman that I will love. But you know that its like this, as life goes on I have been hurt and I will still live my life as Ive wanted to live it. Its time for Christy to be the true person she is and not what someone else wants me too be. I'm not the person that you want me to be, I have lived in this lie for so long and that Its time for me to be my true self. I'm tired of living a lie and I'm tired of being someone I'm not. I have put on such a good show that I feel like that now its time to get out... Now I'll never let my guard down to the first female that comes around and I want open my heart up to a woman that doesn't love me for me and doesn't want just one thing. When or if something happens to me and Corey  I will be finding someone that loves me for me and wants me to succeed and wants to hold me and be there for me emotionally and physically. I don't need someone that doesn't want to please me in every way that i need them to  be there for me. I don't need a "friend" I need a lover because I need to feel the love and feel the wanted feeling. I don't need someone telling me its gonna be OK but then wants me to join them on a revolution of trying to get into heaven. I believe in God and I have been a born again christian and I feel like God loves me for me and has forgiven me for all the sins i have sinned and if he didn't want me to have these sexual desires for woman then he wouldn't of ever let me have sex with a woman in the first place. I don't think that It was a choice I feel i was born this way. I felt many years ago when i was young that something was different and that something wasn't like everyone else. The only choice I made was living the life of a Heterosexual human because I felt it was the right thing to do because of the way that my family believed. But this day in time Your not gonna get to heaven by the church you go to your gonna get to heaven if you allow God in your life on a daily basis and live in his word daily whether your in a same sex relationship or a heterosexual relationship. I just feel like that I have done somethings wrong but I also feel like he is keeping me here for some reason or another. I feel like he wakes me up every morning and allows me to get out of the bed and deal with my pain everyday. If he had wanted me he could of taken me a long time ago... So I hope that she sees that I'm not trying to run her in the ground or give up our friendship just that It takes a little bit of time to get past the point again. I hope that she will see that she is loved by me and that she will understand what i stand for and what I am.. 

Now, life has to start over and I have to find the one that makes me happy. The man I'm married to at this moment isn't giving me the happiness that I deserve and need. I haven't had the love thru out my life and I need someone to love me and show me the love that I never got. I was the middle child and I got pushed aside some many times because my brother did something better or something that I couldn't do. I was pushed away for good when my sister came along. My mom never thought my brother or sister did any wrong and everything that happened was my fault. I couldn't do anything right in her eyes. So I found a man that showed me a first that I was human and that he truly loved me. As years have passed i have been pushed aside from him and it hurts. My dad never really had a thing for his kids so i was pushed aside for his step kids and others. I just feel like if everyone really knew what I was down deep inside they would understand that I need love more than the next person. I guess i have hard heart and its cold but I guess i have to keep that hard cold heart a little longer and one day someone will come along that loves me for me and help me soften my heart and warm it up more. I need someone that isn't gonna love me for a few days or years and will love me everyday and love me when I'm down and love me when i need the attention and when i need the feelings of love. I hope that that person will be out there and I know God has that person for me out there somewhere. He knows who is right for me and he will bring that person in my life. I don't need that person to show me love just to get in my life and to try to tear my guard down.. I need that person to show me love everyday and every hour that I'm with them. I hope that she will want me to treat her like a queen and treat her like she needs to be treated. I hope that person understands that i have been hurt so many times it hurts that its gonna take a long time to break that wall down again. I will not have sex with another female that i don't plan on spending some quality time with and they don't want to see me for who i am and want to be with me long time and show me the love I need. Well, anyway I've said a lot and i feel its time to go lay down.. I just cant take anymore.. 

Q & A from some readers!

Wow! Just checked email and I have quite a few readers! Thanks to everyone that takes the time To read my useless and random thoughts! Thanks! Here's the questions so far! Keep them coming!

1. How long have you known you was different? Well, actually all my life I've felt different and at the age of 10 I kissed my first girl and it really got me when I enjoyed it!

2. When did you first act on your feelings? Sexually and physically?
Hmmm well my first sexual encounter was in 2002 before I met my husband and that was my first physical encounter too!

3. When did you come out to your parents, husband and etc.?  I came out fully to my husband in 2002 before he ever asked me to marry him! We was dating and I told him I was bi! I came out to my mom and dad new years day 2009 because at that point I had gotten to the point I was tired of hiding my true feelings! Several of my friends have known most of my life have known since Jr high school! And rest of my family found out round the time my parents did! It took a lot of years to come out but it also feels better when u do!

4. The girl You talk about in your blogs I Think her name is missy how did y'all meet and why did y'all break up? We met actually thru a mutual friend on MySpace long before Facebook! Back in 2007 I was looking for a friend to hang out with while my husband worked and we hit it off and formed a relationship and then we broke up because one she was talking to other women while telling me she loved me and two because I realized how much my husband truly loved me and wanted me! And how much I loved him!

5. What was your first time like? From a bi curious reader! It was Great just what I thought it would be not gonna go into details here but ill reply to u privately!

Last but not least just in!
6. Missy is your true female love what's gonna happen if she gets tired of waiting on you?
We have an agreement that if she finds the person That makes her happy then by all means I'm not gonna stop her because I want her happy too! I wouldn't never ask her to wait on me! We have a Great friendship that is there and the understanding that she's single and I'm not!

Thanks for all the questions and keep them coming! Thanks again!
Good night

What's the difference?

OK as you have read in earlier blogs Then you know I love the touch and feel and look of women! No since 2 yrs ago I haven't touched or felt a woman! I've looked but its OK to look right! Well my question to anyone reading is this! I'm addicted to sex with women and he's addicted to porn! Now mind you I haven't had sex with a woman in 2 yrs but in the past 6 months he's been caught several times looking at porn! Now the question is why is it cheating if I go out and have a one Night stand with a woman and its not considered cheating that he looks at porn all the time! To me he's acting on his sexual desires but I'm not allowed too! I just don't understand just the other day he and I had sex several times that day and after One time he got up got shower and while I was getting shower he went to computer and looked at porn to me that hurt because you just got up from looking at me and couldn't resist going to look at porn! I guess most everyone is gonna say its the physical act that's cheating well in my opinion him looking is physically acting on the desires to masterbate or what ever he gets out of it! It just doesn't make good sense to me! I'm stuck surpressing my feelings and desires but he gets to freely look and not surpress his desires! If you have the answer please email me! Rebelpride77@gmail.com! Thanks

"WAY OVER YONDER!"

As I lay here and reflect on my days that have passed one thing I've forgotten was that time is precious and love is never ending! As time passes I remember the ones that I lost and I remember the love they showed! I forgot how it was to be held and loved the way I feel down deep in my heart that I needed to be loved! But slowly I'm feeling that love again! It takes a lot to show someone that you've hurt that your true to them again! Its taken almost 2 years and I feel he still doesn't trust me and I'm sure he might not ever trust me! But ya know life can be hard and as the Bible says forgive and forget but I guess to some that's the hardest part!

Sometimes I feel I don't have anyone but Corey, Missy, Dana, Margie and Mark! I hardly ever talk to my mom, sister, brother or father! I guess that me showing my true colors they decided that I don't exist! Its sad that it has to be that way and its sad that life is full of so many people that don't have mom or dad anymore! I guess you could say I've never really had a father and since 2001 I lost my mom! Its sad and at times it hurts that I have to call them and have to drive to them to see them! I guess that its OK because dad hasn't really ever been a father and he's got what he wants and that's just he and his wife! Mom has what she's always wanted and that is Scott and Heather! Its been shown to me thousand of times that she would love nothing more than for me to be out of her life! She's shown it a few times! I've learned that she just wanted 2 kids and since I was middle it was just easy to push me away! Its hard at times but I have great friends that pick me up where my parents have failed! It just hurts more when you want mother daughter time and I only get 2 days of her time and its been 10yrs since I left her house! In a 10 yr time I got 2 days for just her and I and had the best 2 days that I could of asked for! But the other 2 get everyday of the week and 365 days a year! But when I ask again I get told of we have to wait until heather is off so she can go with us! So it makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit! I guess at times it shouldn't bother me but at times I feel it more than others! Enough of that!

I've got 2 life long family friends that would of adopted Me a long time ago if they would of Been given the chance! They still treat me like I'm one of there own! Today the celebrated 27 yrs of marriage they inspire me to try to keep my marriage together and try to keep the passion alive! They tell me daily They miss me because I stepped away from them because I felt like I'd failed them in some way! The other day I told Margie that I'd felt like I'd failed them and she said silly Get ur ass out here and see us! We still love You! They know about my sexuality and never once said nothing about it! I told my mom and she just looked at me and said I'm OK with it but then slowly but surely has withdrawn her self from me! I told dad and Carol and they've slowly withdrawn theirself from me! I told Corey before we got married and he accepted it and still loves me even though I cheated on him! I told Dana and she never said a word to me but that she still was my friend and always would be! Yes me and missy had a rough break up and a few rough times but one thing for sure is That she's listened to me bitch about Corey and Never once told me to leave him! She said Christy he loves you and you love him and just keep trying to make it work! Yes at times I get fed up with all the above ppl! Its just me, I keep telling Corey that he's the only one that I haven't gotten so fed up That I thought it was time to walk away! I love him and Yes I love the above ppl but as we all know for didn't reason we do get fed up at times!  I hope That if they read this that they don't Get upset because that's not What this is about! I hope they understand that I Love them and want them to be here for me When something happens and I need them more than I've ever needed them!

I fell in love with a woman 6 yrs ago and I know that no matter how hard I try to push that love back to my husband I can't! I'm a lesbian stuck in the heterosexual lifestyle because Its the life o choose so no one would know who I truly was! Its sad but true! That's the only way I know how to put it! And as I've told everyone that if anything ever happens to my marriage it wont because of me being in a relationship it'll be because we just couldn't reconcile our differences and make it last! It wont Be because I didn't give my all and my best it'll be because we just fell out of love! I've also told everyone before that when and if I Ever do leave Corey I will not go find another man and ill be all out lesbian and probably move some where were its accepted free and not looked down upon as it is in this state! I also gonna make it a personal affirmation that I feel ill never be able to love another woman besides missy! As I've said before her and I have had our differences and our hard times but its just like Corey there wont ever be another man That I'd ever be able to love for 2 reasons first one is I'm not the straight person I'm betraying to be and 2 because he was the first man I've ever loved! And as far as Missy She was the first woman That showed me it was OK to be sexual with a woman and 2 she was my first woman sexually! That means a lot to me!

As I've said a few times before sometimes we have to stop and smell the roses and forget our past to move on to our future! As I close this blog If your reading and want to say something feel free to email me! Rebelpride77@gmail.com! I'm open to all questions and comments! No matter what they may be! I'm an open book! If you want to know something then how you gonna know answer if You don't ask right? Good Night blog! Until next time!

What to say what to say

I have so much on my mind that I truly don't know where to start! It takes a strong person to live thru the things I live thru it also takes a strong person to work things out like I have! Working on my marriage has been my biggest thing and I hope that I've finally proved myself to being faithful to him! I have come to realize that I love this man! Life with arthritis is either gonna make me stronger or kill me one! I had a dream the other night that I lost my right leg and it woke me up! I was crying! I truly feel that I just need to have the surgery and to hell with it! I just don't understand why I'm so young and gotta live like this! Thanks for my friends and family that truly stand up for me and love me no matter what! Being rejected and lead down the wrong road has caused me to decide that Life isn't ever gonna change! If you've read my earlier blogs then you all know I like women! Well its been almost 2 yrs and the feelings have been there I've just kept pushing them away! I finally the other day decided that the feelings where gonna kill me if I found a female that was willing just for the fun of it! Well we'd made a date to meet and have casual sex! So I was all prepared and excited because I know once I get it then I'm good for another 2 yrs! Yes my husband knows my desires and we've made many agreements and have a great understanding! Today of all days this female rejects me! Telling me She's not ready but just yesterday she was! Ill never understand! I felt like my world had crashed! I just think ya know that was Gods will! So now I'm back to the longing and the needing! Being with a female for sexual purposes is like a drug addict that's been clean for years just gets it one more time for satisfaction! That's me truly me! I just need it and truly be satisfied! Mainly I want that touch that can't be felt any other way than by a female! You might not understand of you've never Been in this situation! Just ask someone that has! But blog I move on now and hang my head in shame because I even considered the thought! But life goes on! Good night world!