"WAY OVER YONDER!"

As I lay here and reflect on my days that have passed one thing I've forgotten was that time is precious and love is never ending! As time passes I remember the ones that I lost and I remember the love they showed! I forgot how it was to be held and loved the way I feel down deep in my heart that I needed to be loved! But slowly I'm feeling that love again! It takes a lot to show someone that you've hurt that your true to them again! Its taken almost 2 years and I feel he still doesn't trust me and I'm sure he might not ever trust me! But ya know life can be hard and as the Bible says forgive and forget but I guess to some that's the hardest part!

Sometimes I feel I don't have anyone but Corey, Missy, Dana, Margie and Mark! I hardly ever talk to my mom, sister, brother or father! I guess that me showing my true colors they decided that I don't exist! Its sad that it has to be that way and its sad that life is full of so many people that don't have mom or dad anymore! I guess you could say I've never really had a father and since 2001 I lost my mom! Its sad and at times it hurts that I have to call them and have to drive to them to see them! I guess that its OK because dad hasn't really ever been a father and he's got what he wants and that's just he and his wife! Mom has what she's always wanted and that is Scott and Heather! Its been shown to me thousand of times that she would love nothing more than for me to be out of her life! She's shown it a few times! I've learned that she just wanted 2 kids and since I was middle it was just easy to push me away! Its hard at times but I have great friends that pick me up where my parents have failed! It just hurts more when you want mother daughter time and I only get 2 days of her time and its been 10yrs since I left her house! In a 10 yr time I got 2 days for just her and I and had the best 2 days that I could of asked for! But the other 2 get everyday of the week and 365 days a year! But when I ask again I get told of we have to wait until heather is off so she can go with us! So it makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit! I guess at times it shouldn't bother me but at times I feel it more than others! Enough of that!

I've got 2 life long family friends that would of adopted Me a long time ago if they would of Been given the chance! They still treat me like I'm one of there own! Today the celebrated 27 yrs of marriage they inspire me to try to keep my marriage together and try to keep the passion alive! They tell me daily They miss me because I stepped away from them because I felt like I'd failed them in some way! The other day I told Margie that I'd felt like I'd failed them and she said silly Get ur ass out here and see us! We still love You! They know about my sexuality and never once said nothing about it! I told my mom and she just looked at me and said I'm OK with it but then slowly but surely has withdrawn her self from me! I told dad and Carol and they've slowly withdrawn theirself from me! I told Corey before we got married and he accepted it and still loves me even though I cheated on him! I told Dana and she never said a word to me but that she still was my friend and always would be! Yes me and missy had a rough break up and a few rough times but one thing for sure is That she's listened to me bitch about Corey and Never once told me to leave him! She said Christy he loves you and you love him and just keep trying to make it work! Yes at times I get fed up with all the above ppl! Its just me, I keep telling Corey that he's the only one that I haven't gotten so fed up That I thought it was time to walk away! I love him and Yes I love the above ppl but as we all know for didn't reason we do get fed up at times!  I hope That if they read this that they don't Get upset because that's not What this is about! I hope they understand that I Love them and want them to be here for me When something happens and I need them more than I've ever needed them!

I fell in love with a woman 6 yrs ago and I know that no matter how hard I try to push that love back to my husband I can't! I'm a lesbian stuck in the heterosexual lifestyle because Its the life o choose so no one would know who I truly was! Its sad but true! That's the only way I know how to put it! And as I've told everyone that if anything ever happens to my marriage it wont because of me being in a relationship it'll be because we just couldn't reconcile our differences and make it last! It wont Be because I didn't give my all and my best it'll be because we just fell out of love! I've also told everyone before that when and if I Ever do leave Corey I will not go find another man and ill be all out lesbian and probably move some where were its accepted free and not looked down upon as it is in this state! I also gonna make it a personal affirmation that I feel ill never be able to love another woman besides missy! As I've said before her and I have had our differences and our hard times but its just like Corey there wont ever be another man That I'd ever be able to love for 2 reasons first one is I'm not the straight person I'm betraying to be and 2 because he was the first man I've ever loved! And as far as Missy She was the first woman That showed me it was OK to be sexual with a woman and 2 she was my first woman sexually! That means a lot to me!

As I've said a few times before sometimes we have to stop and smell the roses and forget our past to move on to our future! As I close this blog If your reading and want to say something feel free to email me! Rebelpride77@gmail.com! I'm open to all questions and comments! No matter what they may be! I'm an open book! If you want to know something then how you gonna know answer if You don't ask right? Good Night blog! Until next time!