Heartbroken

I have a very broken heart today. Its not because I lost someone its be cause I thought that I had the woman of my dreams and that she wanted me for me and wanted a relationship with me when and if something happened to me and my husband. I felt that she wanted me and then I finally seen the real truth. I spilled my heart out to her in a letter telling her I wanted her and that she would be the only woman I wanted and wanted to be with. She replied back with I don't want a relationship with anyone right now. Then goes on down and tells me she will always love me. Too me that means that she still have a glimmer of hope that one day we would be together forever. If you telling someone that you will love them forever then you still want them to be with you forever. I guess that I was truly mistaken, I hope that life will begin to look up now that I don't have to worry about the fact that I love a woman that really doesn't love me like I truly love her. I love this woman and always will and one day I would always hope that she will see that shes the only woman that I will love. But you know that its like this, as life goes on I have been hurt and I will still live my life as Ive wanted to live it. Its time for Christy to be the true person she is and not what someone else wants me too be. I'm not the person that you want me to be, I have lived in this lie for so long and that Its time for me to be my true self. I'm tired of living a lie and I'm tired of being someone I'm not. I have put on such a good show that I feel like that now its time to get out... Now I'll never let my guard down to the first female that comes around and I want open my heart up to a woman that doesn't love me for me and doesn't want just one thing. When or if something happens to me and Corey  I will be finding someone that loves me for me and wants me to succeed and wants to hold me and be there for me emotionally and physically. I don't need someone that doesn't want to please me in every way that i need them to  be there for me. I don't need a "friend" I need a lover because I need to feel the love and feel the wanted feeling. I don't need someone telling me its gonna be OK but then wants me to join them on a revolution of trying to get into heaven. I believe in God and I have been a born again christian and I feel like God loves me for me and has forgiven me for all the sins i have sinned and if he didn't want me to have these sexual desires for woman then he wouldn't of ever let me have sex with a woman in the first place. I don't think that It was a choice I feel i was born this way. I felt many years ago when i was young that something was different and that something wasn't like everyone else. The only choice I made was living the life of a Heterosexual human because I felt it was the right thing to do because of the way that my family believed. But this day in time Your not gonna get to heaven by the church you go to your gonna get to heaven if you allow God in your life on a daily basis and live in his word daily whether your in a same sex relationship or a heterosexual relationship. I just feel like that I have done somethings wrong but I also feel like he is keeping me here for some reason or another. I feel like he wakes me up every morning and allows me to get out of the bed and deal with my pain everyday. If he had wanted me he could of taken me a long time ago... So I hope that she sees that I'm not trying to run her in the ground or give up our friendship just that It takes a little bit of time to get past the point again. I hope that she will see that she is loved by me and that she will understand what i stand for and what I am.. 

Now, life has to start over and I have to find the one that makes me happy. The man I'm married to at this moment isn't giving me the happiness that I deserve and need. I haven't had the love thru out my life and I need someone to love me and show me the love that I never got. I was the middle child and I got pushed aside some many times because my brother did something better or something that I couldn't do. I was pushed away for good when my sister came along. My mom never thought my brother or sister did any wrong and everything that happened was my fault. I couldn't do anything right in her eyes. So I found a man that showed me a first that I was human and that he truly loved me. As years have passed i have been pushed aside from him and it hurts. My dad never really had a thing for his kids so i was pushed aside for his step kids and others. I just feel like if everyone really knew what I was down deep inside they would understand that I need love more than the next person. I guess i have hard heart and its cold but I guess i have to keep that hard cold heart a little longer and one day someone will come along that loves me for me and help me soften my heart and warm it up more. I need someone that isn't gonna love me for a few days or years and will love me everyday and love me when I'm down and love me when i need the attention and when i need the feelings of love. I hope that that person will be out there and I know God has that person for me out there somewhere. He knows who is right for me and he will bring that person in my life. I don't need that person to show me love just to get in my life and to try to tear my guard down.. I need that person to show me love everyday and every hour that I'm with them. I hope that she will want me to treat her like a queen and treat her like she needs to be treated. I hope that person understands that i have been hurt so many times it hurts that its gonna take a long time to break that wall down again. I will not have sex with another female that i don't plan on spending some quality time with and they don't want to see me for who i am and want to be with me long time and show me the love I need. Well, anyway I've said a lot and i feel its time to go lay down.. I just cant take anymore..