Hopelessly trying

As I lay here in this bed thinking about the way the world is and the way I see the world as whole! It's never been said or even seen by me or others like me! But the way I perceive the world is round, has no boundaries and is endless beyond belief! Never have I walked to the edge of the ocean alone but one day I'd like to let the sand run thru my fingers just because I can! Never have I spoken my love for someone and they refuse to tell me how they feel, it's hard not knowing if someone feels the same for you, but it's harder knowing that you can't help that person either! I have a friend that I love and can't be with forever for many reasons but the main one because I'm married to a man that don't get me wrong I do love but the touch of a female is something I miss on a daily basis! The smell of a female is something I miss too! Having her laying her in my arms on sleepless nights is something I miss too! Life is made up of choices we make and regrets from those choices! Although the choices may not all be regrets but some surly are! I have another friend that I enjoy talking to that's never had that person show her what love really is! It would be very easy to teach her but that would require me leaving this man! At times when he's being an ass like tonight it wouldn't take much to throw away this marriage and say to hell with all the hardworking I've put into it! I've given my all and it still doesn't seem like its quiet enough!! But I carry on like there's no tomorrow and today is my last! Because if I don't I'll fall into that dark place I care not to be in!! At times I feel like I'm not making and progress in this marriage then I look back and I see that I'm much happier than I once was! It's been a long road and bumpy but there's one thing my grandmother taught me was to never give up on something that I might regret if I did give up on it!! She fault til she took her last breathe and then she is still fighting watching over us all from heaven! I will honor her with a special tattoo that I've wanted since the day they lowered her in the ground!! I made her a promise that she would live on in my life on a daily basis! Ive never lost sight of the greatest gift that she gave and that was to love everyone you come in contact with! You don't know there situation or there life but what you have before u is a gift to share and that's by saying hello or smiling! Never let a persons life go untouched by you when you have a chance to brighten someone's day!! Well blog I've rambled on enough it's time to roll over and try to get some shut eye! Peace until next time!!

Equality

Well, you know we are american if we are born in the usa no matter what color or race or background we are all american. Ive seen something the other day about gays shouldn't be able to do this or that. Well, if i don't care what you are your a human and you should have the rights to do what ever every other human can do. So what you gay, so what your bisexual, so what your a lesbian. You still put on your pants one leg at a time, and your shirt goes over you head. If you can do those two things any other way then more power to you. Cause you know some of you would be surprised about the people you work next too, the people you live by... What you gonna move cause a lesbian or gay couple moves in next door? well, good luck finding a house that doesn't include them in everyday life... They aren't contagious, they don't bite, they don't spray like skunks do but you don't kill move cause the skunk was seen in your neighborhood.. get over it people they are people just like you and I. Equality should be shown for every red blooded american in the USA.. I have several friends thats lesbian, gay, bi sexual and you know what. If i told you somethings I did in my past you would probably delete me off your friends list. But you know what I really don't care cause if you believe in christ then you know he forgives us where we failed him.. he will accept us in to heaven if we have asked for forgiveness. He isn't gonna judge us for the number of friends we have on facebook nor is he gonna judge you period. I can tell you many of the people you encounter on a daily basis has at some point in their life thought about having a same sex encounter, its very common for us as humans to think that it would be good to have a 3 some or even a 4 some. I know youve probably thought it and may have never acted on it but you know what i don't care what you are your just like me and i will treat you just like me. my best friend is a black girl. i don't see her as a black girl she just another human that i love dearly and would give my shirt off my back for her and she would do the same thing for me. Facebook isn't the place for racial slurs, gay slurs or anything like that. Facebook was for us to find friends or family that we can't see everyday and keep up with them on a daily life basis. I wish everyone was as open minded as i am but i know your not. but you know it takes a lot to be me. if any of you would like to challenge me to a day in the life of christy them please by all means send me an inbox message. i'm telling you that unless youve been where ive been or done what ive done then you can't judge me. you can't sit there be hind that screen and say i can't believe she did that or has that or done that. i don't judge you. i could care less what youve done, what your doing and where youve been. I do like to see your families grow up, see the things youve done while on vacation, but what you do in your personal time behind closed doors isn't anyone's business but your own.. I dont' care if you like women, men or both. Its not anything to me, i could care less how many men you sleep with daily, how many women youve been with or how many times youve had both. It doesn't interest me. But what does bother me is when you sit there and say that gay guy was sure showing his true colors. ive had this discussion with my husband on many occasions but you know his answer is always the same. I don't have to associate with them. I tell him time and time again the ppl that he works with 65% are probably bi sexual, gay or lesbian.. he doesn't know and he talks to them daily cause he has too. I said you don't have to do what they do but don't treat them like they are some freaking disease cause they ain't.. Gayness doesn't rub off on you, lesbianism doesn't rub off on you. Some is born that way and some comes from something that has happened in there life at an early age that caused them to be that way. Ive been asked several times am i a lesbian because i don't dress girly, i don't like girly things. My answer is no i'm not. But what I am is me. Either you like me for me or you don't like me and you don't have to talk to me or associate with me but don't judge me cause i'm me. I don't judge you cause your you.... Lest not stand in judgement of others. So there for DO NOT say one word about that person that has a mixed child, or that person thats gay, or that person thats mexican. We are all human and we are all USA citizens. So stand up for what you believe in and I will too. I support Equality for all....... I support LGBT groups, I support the Mexicans that are here legally, I support you...If you have something to say feel free to say it cause i'm all ears but don't judge me when i disagree with what you say.. Thanks.

Spring time in the air

The air I'm breathing smells like spring is around the corner!! I've been so down an out the past few weeks that today was very refreshing!! It's been nice to come out and sit listen to the birds chirping, the dogs in neighborhood barking!! I feel like this is the first true beginning of the rest of my life! Ive missed days like this and times when my grandmother and I would sit outside afte her soaps went off! Thanks to mother nature for giving us this beautiful day!! I'm missing someone terribly right now'!!!! It's been a long time since I've gotten a chance to actually sit down and talk to this person! I miss our times where we'd sit and talk for hours about nothing but the world or the weather or even baseball seasons! It's never a bad time to bring up sports in a conversation!! I guess I need to take the time and go visit this person!! Just when I visit it brings back a lot of feelings that I don't like to come back but they aren't bad feelings they are good ones!! Well blog it's been awhile since I've posted anything so gets a new post for a little while I'll post more later

Words speak meaning!

As I lay here in this bed, head pounding and heart racing! I keep telling myself to go to sleep! I just wish when I closed my eyes that I could fall asleep! But instead I think about my day, my life and my mind races like a speeding train running down the track out of control! Its gonna crash one day and I Feel that days coming soon! Life's too short to Take words that people say and twist them around! Someone told me they'd always love me and I responded with my feelings! What they said next really blew me away but I hope that maybe I just read it wrong! But anyways blog its not about those words or any words spoken by anyone in my life this blog is about words period! I never in my knew that the words I speak to someone/anyone could mean more than the actions That follow! I've always heard actions speak louder than words but im learning slowly that truly words speak louder than actions! It takes a lot for a person to realize that they have a problem AND it takes some words to prove to that person They have a problem! It took words for me to finally see that I need help and it also took one lonely action to put those words in to action! I've finally seen the bottom and im slowly climbing up to see the open space! It took almost 10 yrs to see that rock bottom was coming quickly and That if I didn't slow down I was gonna hit face first! Sometimes rock bottom is best place to be! At times I feel I've seen this place before! Its time to seek the help I need and finally find the right path to take! Never has the thought crossed my mind That I'd admit I have a anger problem or depression problem and Never have I ever dreamed I'd be considered bipolar and told I needed to stay in the hospital for days for help! I hope that thru my actions others around me that might feel they need help too will see That it takes a strong person to finally seek it out! My mind is messed up, my heart is hurting, my body is aching but one thing that keeps me going is the fact that im truly somebody! Im somebody that has a purpose in this world and im somebody that has to find her way of dealing and coping with certain things! Blog the words I write mean nothing to lots and some will read and think im talking about them only one time did I refer to anyone but myself! This blog is totally about me and how my words have hurt others and how words have hurt me! Good night blog until next time! Oh by the way!  Giants are champs!

Valentine's Day

Its fast approaching and this year maybe the first year in many years that I've really wanted to celebrate this couples holiday! I feel like this year its gonna mean a lot more to me than years past! But because I Feel loved than years past by the man I married 9 yrs ago! I gotta be Honest today he showed me That he truly does love me! I went for an assessment today to see if I was bipolar or not and the lady said she Thought I was and that she wanted to admit me to the hospital! It scared the hell out of me and I began to cry and he looked at her and said hell no she's not staying here and if she did I feel like she'd find away to kill herself and I couldn't live my life knowing I Let her stay! Then we walked out and he held me close and tight and said baby its gonna be OK they aren't gonna Keep you and they aren't gonna hurt You! I cried for 2 hrs and he held me the whole time! I felt like I was some crazy person! I didn't want to be there! So they set me up on an outpatient group setting and I feel like I might be more better doing That! If I have to stay im not sure ill ever leave That place alive! I've heard to many horror stories from ppl that's been in there! It was scary! I hope that I can do outpatient and it help! I feel I've taken the right step to a better me! But we shall see!
A good friend made me smile and laugh out loud tonight when he texted me and said Christy I knew you was bi but I didn't know your other half was polar bear! It made my night! I needed that! Times are gonna change and the things I've read about bipolar is me! I loose interest in stuff I used to love to do, I don't eat, I don't sleep, I forget where I was going when I start somewhere, its all me! I just finally had to admit to myself that I needed help! Thanks to a Good husband, Great stepmother and great friends im gonna make it thru this! I love you all! Good night!

Life is short!

Over the past few months I've seen my marriage go from verge of divorce to almost normal again! Over this time I've seen many friend Come and go! But one things for sure I've walked down the road less traveled AND lived to tell my story! No other way can a person Tell a story without looking out and seeing where they've come from! I've been looking back and I see Where I've went wrong and see where I made a few mistakes! But ill be honest with out trails and troubles it doesn't constitute living! No ones life is perfect and No ones marriage is perfect but I will say that my life I've lived up until This day has made me the person I am today! Thanks to a lot of mistakes, lot of side steps and a lot of tears cried I've become the person I wanna be! Tomorrow I embark on a journey that I never thought I'd ever admit to but I've admitted it AND now im seeking help to fix it! I go tomorrow to behavioral health to get a test done to see if im bipolar and get me on meds that will work! I've had anger issues all my life AND I guess it finally took me seeing it for myself in order to go seek help!!
Sometimes I Guess it takes me doing something crazy like pulling a knife on someone or hitting a brick wall a couple of times!  But I saw that its time for help!
I feel that its gonna be getting close to time to finally have the dreaded knee surgery! I Was walking across the grassy area headed to Some steps at Grenada lake last weekend and my knee gave way, twisted AND turned AND popped really loud! It swelled up within minutes of doing it and its hurt every since! Then I guess my left leg was jealous and had to hurt too! Cause I've pulled a muscle or something in my groin area! I just hope that it'll heal on it's own! Knee on other hand ain't healing on its own! But anyways I go next week to the doc to see what's gonna happen next! I just Feel like he's gonna say knee surgery! But if that's the case then that's the case!
On to my next thing on my mind! Superbowl is Sunday and my boy Eli is playing! I was gonna name my son Eli Manning Holland if I could of had kids! But instead I get to watch the real Eli play Sunday! I hope he plays like a pro and wins it again!
Next is something that's been weighing heavy on me! There's a person that I know that I miss a whole lot! We was close but slowly drifted apart! Its been a while since I've spoken to this person and it makes me sad how it all ended! I guess that its truly for the best but I do miss our chats about nothing and our trips to a certain restaurant and making This person eat something that she hated! I guess that I might not ever step back in That restaurant or go to the place we liked to go and sit and talk! Its the little moments I miss! But life has its way of moving on quickly and making you see that somethings aren't meant to be! If this person happens to read This please contact me!
I've been thinking about finally getting that tattoo I've always want and im gonna save my money and get it! Im more than ready! Well blog its bout that time! Big day tomorrow and time for some shut eye! Peace, love and bass fishin