Intrigued to write

Depression, PTSD, Rhumotoid Athruritis are just the things I suffer! No they don't define who I am they don't run my life well maybe they do run my life! So many people live with these things daily cause they one are afraid to seek help and two can't afford it! Well written in a blog of my friend that said the cost of care is more than the cost of living! Why should that be, why should you have to pay 135 dollars for a doc visit, 165 for your blood they draw out of your body, and you wonder why so many self Medicare with drugs and over the counter things! My monthly infusion cost 8,842 a month! Now who in the hell has that kind of money! I sure don't but if I wanna live half way normal I get them! Normal to me is waking up pain free, and able to walk! Oh you say I don't look sick! I might now look sick, do you have X-ray vision? Do you see within someone's body before you judge? Do you think for one minute before you say that, there might be something really wrong with her internally! Maybe your feeling something isn't right and you know that you don't have the money or you don't think your insurance will pay for it, you scared of what they will say! But you break down and go! The doctor said well, you sound like your suffering depression we are gonna start you on meds and if they don't seem to help with your symptoms then come back we will change then until we find the right one! So you get script, you pay your co pay or bill, and you get to pharmacy to find that your insurance doesn't pay for that medicine! So now your stuck with the decision do I pay $256 for meds or do I just suck it up and just deal with the feelings or do I go back pay the doctor one more time and tell them that the meds are too much! So you choose to pay the $256 and try to see if they work maybe next time my insurance will pay! So the meds work, great your thinking wow I feel so much better, I feel like a new person! Then wham, end of the script do I call in a refill or do I try to just deal with it with out the meds! The feeling is great and you think the meds are working! Hmm you break down call in the refill and get to pharmacy to pick it up and wow this month it's 15.00 and you think I can deal with that! So you read up about depression, mood swings, feeling blue, feeling like your wanting to kill yourself! Wow, you think omg that is me that is so the feelings I've had omg the doctor is right I'm depressed! Wow, I guess that ill deal with it taking the meds! Then comes the time that the meds quit working, causing you to want to kill yourself, feeling like your gonna snap someone's head off! So you make the painful decision to go to behavioral health! You walk in and your a nervous damn wreck, you look scared, you go from crying to laughing in a few mins! They make you wait that makes it even worse! Finally, you get called back to do the free evaluation! They ask you several questions some generic but some very personal! Have you thought about killing yourself? Yes, when, all the time! Have you ever tried yes, two times when, a couple of years ago, and when I was younger! Are you feeling sucidual now? Yes I am! Did you bring your Cpap machine and clothes! By this time your crying so bad that your hysterical! Your husband tells the woman I think if you keep her she will do what ever to kill herself! The woman says if I allow her to leave then you need to make sure that she's doesn't do anything to kill herself! So you have an appt with doc so and so tomorrow at 2 pm! Ok so you arrive tomorrow at 1:45 like your told you fill out more papers and talk to a nurse and she writes down everything that's been going on in your life since childhood! Now she takes you to the docs little office! You walk in and he tells you to sit on couch! He's looking at computer he turns around ask you several questions, personal questions! He comes to the conclusion that your severe depression, PTSD, and anxiety! Hmm not really what I wanted to hear! But you accept the division and he writes you scripts for 2 different types of same meds! So great you've been told all that and you head to the pharmacy and you get the dreaded words that your insurance pays for it but the copay is $45 dollars a piece hmm that's $90 a month! Omg I don't know if I can afford it but the meds make me feel great! So now you search the Internet for the meds! First thing you see is that do not stop these meds with out help! Hmm I wonder why, well that makes me feel great not! So you dig deeper, says if you stop this meds to taper yourself off! Great hmm now I'm on this type of drug that can cause you more harm than you can do yourself! But anyway you try your best to not quit these meds! But comes the time you don't have the money to get the meds! Whew now for the first time in your life your going thru drug withdrawals! Wow never in my life have I done this!! Can't handle this feeling, gotta get help! So you find the money! So you get meds and things are back to normal! But things aren't normal why because your still depressed, still suffer the night mares and other things that's been tramaic to you! Life is crazy! But now you know how I feel!