So you think you know?

I'm running down the road with a can of gas and a lit match dare me to light this world on fire! Yea you think you know what it's like living in hell every day of your life! You think you understand what I go thru daily but really your just like the rest you don't know! Living in pain, self medicating, drinking like a fish, having nightmares that wake you up scream! Do you know what I go thru? I've turned to taking pills, drinking daily to ease the pain bet you didn't know that did you! Not you wanna know why you don't know cause I didn't tell and did you ask? Nope you didn't! Living life like this was the way I used to be when I felt like I was spiraling down and the only thing to stop me is the rocky bottom! Yea I seem fine when I'm around you or when you might ask! But down deep inside me I'm fighting, I'm hurting, but I don't say nothing because everyone has their own problems why do I need to add to them! Yea I smile thru the tears that really wanna fall! I laugh when I really wanna cry! Does it matter no not really cause I've been here before! I've walked this road and its been a long one! It's been a road that I've told myself many times to avoid! I did all I could now I'm back here again! Walking, screaming, crying, and telling but no one hears me! No one knows cause on the outside life is grand! But on the inside oh it's a big box of toys and I'm a kid in a candy store! Yea the pills work for a little while then I take another one and before the days up well I've taken about 5 or so then I decide well ill drink one beer, or one cocktail then that turns to 2 beers or 2 cocktails then its a cycle that I finally take one more pill then go to bed in hopes I don't feel a thing for several hours! Yea I'm up and down all night well there I go again pop another pill and sleep a few more hours pop another one well now I'm at the end of my script and damn I still got 10 more days until I can get them again so I decide well Ill just have a beer earlier in the day then it starts damn no more beer no more money to buy more now I'm like an addict I gotta get my next fix so I think well I got these that I used to take ill just take double of them and that's the same thing right, wrong that's not the same thing! Now your screwed now your fucked up for real! So you decide I remember this one time I just slept all the time so maybe ill just sleep! If I'm sleep I don't know I'm withdrawing until oops time to go to bathroom! Yea you see this is the life of an addict! No I'm not there yet but if I don't get help soon ill be there! Yea, your thinking right now shit I let her slip and didn't try to help her! Naw really you didn't let me do anything you did what you thought was right cause I played you like I've played everyone! Yea no one knows but Corey what's really going on and only reason he knows is cause he loves here and he sees it! Yea you think oh well I thought she was my friend we tell each other everything well your right partly but something's I don't tell anyone cause ya know this is what I gotta deal with! I've walked this road before remember last time I hit the bottom so hard that I tried to take my life! Did I tell anyone nope why because only the weak tell people only the ones that's really not wanting to do it tell people the ones that's gonna do just do it! Well your thinking oh she will tell me I know naw your wrong the last time Corey found me unresponsive in the bed! So when I get to that point no one will know! But right now we are in the safe zone! 

Now you see that what's on the outside isn't sometimes the true picture! 

So you wonder where I have the money for this or that well you know Corey works hard! Yea we have lots of bills but he's always set aside "play" money! He's done that for as long as I've known him! He makes sure there's food in house, gas in vehicles, and bills paid! The play money isn't always there but it's there when he's ready for it! So you say oh you told me you was broke ya I am! I got .76 in bank! So when I'm broke I'm broke! But what gets me is that you say your broke too but seems you have money to do what you want! Yea I've heard that line a few times just the other day matter of fact! But I don't ask no questions cause I know it's not my place to ask questions! But don't post it on Facebook your so broke your robbing Peter to pay Paul but your at sonic eating supper! Anyways, just got lots on my mind! Yea some don't need to be aired but I feel like if your reading this and something stands out to you well ask me or tell me! I mean don't be like oh I see she's talking about me when hell it might not be about you! Could be about one of my 1000 friends or ppl I know! Hell I could be talking about my own damn momma but if the shoe fits then please wear it! 

This is my blog, my way of venting without judgement and my way of getting feelings out that I might not be able to other wise speak! If you don't like something you see please don't read anymore! Thank you!