Restless heart and gypsies soul

Heart grows cold when there isn't anything to keep it warm! Reading a blog by a friend today made me think for a minute and also made me mad in turn! No I don't think the blog was talking about me but it didn't hit home a little! The blog was talking about before an illness there was always abundance of people around or that called or showed up or texted or what have you but once becoming ill that slowly these people slowly became to busy or just quit coming around or calling or texting! What made me think was that that's so true! When my illness caused me to walk away from a job a loved to hate I slowly saw the so called friends that was once said I'm always here for slowly disappeared! It's amazing how when your sick and need the friendship and companionship of others they suddenly become too busy or what have you! What made me mad was the person that wrote this blog said that some people used to come by but now has stopped! Well this very person has come to tupelo many times but never comes by to see me! Yes I've quit going to see this person but not because this person is ill but because I feel that it's a two way street! Why am I always going to your house but you can never find the time to come to my house! When I first got sick with this illness I have I struggled daily to get myself dressed, to get out of bed and yes there's two people that I can say stood by me, helped me and even encouraged me! One is my husband who at times doesn't show me the compassion I think I deserve or show me the love I long for sometimes but he many days got off at 6:30 am having worked all night, come home got me up got me in shower bathed me and dressed me! And then did the same before he went to work! And the other person was Missy she lived with me thru my early stages and I have to say with out her help there was days I would of never gotten up to try and with out her and Corey both encouraging me I would of given up! So yes the street runs both ways! No I don't come to this persons town as often as this person comes to mine! But you know I feel like if you want others to show you they care how about you start by calling them, texting them, or inviting them for coffee or lunch or what have you! Then you might see that they return the favor again! The end of that! 

Tonight I had a deep conversation with my first woman love and I still love her! Christy Lynn was the first woman that I fell deeply in love with and still love deeply today! Tonight we was talking about her boyfriend who she believes is gay and I believe just by something's she's told me about him! But she said she wished that he would go ahead and come out of the closet cause others know it and have accepted it he needs to accept it! And I replied well he's like me hiding because he's afraid he will hurt someone like his mother and she said why are you hiding its better to be who you are not allow others to stop you from being yourself! I said well I don't want to hurt Corey and his family and she said so your gonna hide and live a lie because your scared I said well for the first time in my life I finally found myself and love myself because if you can't love yourself then you sure the hell can't love anyone else or feel that they love you! I've accepted that I might not ever allow my inner beings to come out but I've accepted that its ok not to be afraid! Living a lie hurts but living a dream isn't good either! Dreams are just that dreams! I've dreamed many times that I should of never married but at the time I think I did it cause that's the way I was taught that it wasn't right to long for a woman when I was a woman and that it was right to marry a man! So I did! Do I regret it? No I don't have I ever regretted it? Yes I have! I don't regret it now cause I've come to terms with loving myself! I love myself and I love Corey! Regretting marring him at such an early time in my life yes I regret not living out my dreams or fantasies first but I don't regret doing what I thought was right! And you know I take great pride in when some one praises me for being right! Marty finally realized that I was right she didn't need someone on the side! She just needed to realize that the man she loves and lives with is who she's meant to be with! Every man or woman knows how to talk there way into your life and they will tell you what you want to hear but might not hear it in your current relationship! But little do you know that the game they are playing just is that a game! Once they have you away from the one that you've been with they will show you who they really are and it's too late then! You've burned the only bridge that was leading to the right one! Luckily I didn't burn that bridge and she didn't either! Good night blog