Christmas

Well, christmas has come and gone! Its left me hurting on the outside because I haven't had my infusion! No one cares about that! Best friend doesn't care, if she did she would of let me slept yesterday and not made me get out of house! My husband could care less if he cared he would of cooked me supper tonight like I asked him nicely too! This might be my last blog post because tonight I'm gonna end my life! If I end it then no one will have to see me hurt and want have no one to worry about anymore! They want have to help me when I need help, do things for me I can't do! And then I want say the things I say when my feelings are hurt! I want call the man I love a sorry bastard when he's really not! I want call him a low life fucker when he's really not! I want be here to tell my best friend how I feel and hurt her no more! I want be here to make them smile when they need it! Ill be but a memory in there book of memories! Which is where I want to be because that way I want have to hurt anymore! Ill never hurt again, hurt anyone again, ill never cuss the ones I love again! Ill be in the place where I need to be! Away from this place and the people that I love that say they love me! Life is just a dream and I'm not living my dream! If I was id still be working and wouldn't be saying the things to hurt the people I love! To hell with life! I'm ready to end it! I'm ready to leave this world! Good bye world its been a nice long road that I'm ready to come to an end! Peace, love and fucking happiness to all!

Birthday and thoughts

Well, I'm officially a year older! I did get to do something I've never done before! I got to see jay leno in person live at silverstar casino in philidephia, ms! It was awesome because of one reason! I was with a life long friend that I got reconnected with after many years! Its nice to find old friends! Thanks margie! We left on Saturday about 12pm or so and made it to our room on the 19th floor! What a view! Post pictures to show! First picture is view from 19th floor, second picture is my favorite slot machine which I played for 3 or 4 hours! Hehe! We got there wearing short sleeve shirts and jeans we left there Sunday morning about 1130 which was my birthday wearing long over coats, skull caps and gloves with temp about 22 degrees! And it was snowing! A first for my birthday to have snow! We headed north to tunica! We got to tunica where the temp was like 30 lol! No more snow and sun shining! We stayed at sam's town! When we got there we ate the buffett and it was delish! It has corky's bbq mmmmm good! After lunch, I went to take a nap and margie went to play! I slept bout an hour or so and then found her! I had a blast! We ran out of money bout 930 pm and decided to go to room and just catch up on old times! Had the time of my life! So relaxing and so much fun! Monday we got up and lazied around the room waiting on 11 so we could check out and go eat at a little whole in wall restaurant that I happen to see on travel channel! Its called The Hollywood Cafe! Pictures to show u! First one is oustide of building with my friend coming down stairs and second one is the famous fried dill pickles! Omg they where great! Now then I'm back home and things are back to normal! Fighting with my husband! That's life I guess! Another picture I've add is homemade sausage which corey made that I love mmmm! Also is our big boy cat begging for a hashbrown the other morning! He loves him some food! Well blog have a great week! Peace! Merry christmas!

Anniversary and other thoughts

December 6th marked the day 8yrs ago I said until death do us part to a man that has seen me so strung out/stressed out to my happiest times in my life! He's been there thru my 4yr affair with another woman and still loved me no matter what! He loves me and never let me go! I couldn't ask for a better person to be with! It took me a few years to see that he was truly the best thing that ever happened to me! Not only did it mark a happy day it also marked a sad day! One year ago I lost the only thing close to a grandfather I've ever known! He wasn't even blood! He was step but loved me like his own! Its not every day that step ppl take u and love u like there own! I miss him dearly but most of all he's much better off and he's with his lovely wife!
Sometimes I've been told I have a way with words that can make u smile, cry or get fighting mad! Tonight I posted a status update on facebook and someone said christy you have a way with ur words! My status said guard your heart with walls, guard your feelings with windows! Never let anyone into your heart without letting them see your true feelings! That's my feelings! Its the truth just as never say I love u to someone unless u mean it from ur heart! You can never truly love someone else if you truly don't love yourself! Because self love will never break your heart, never leave you hanging on to something that's not gonna happen! It'll never make you out to be the fool! It'll always be there when everyone else has gone on and left u standing alone!
In a less than 36 hours ill be spending my birthday weekend with a lifelong friend hitting up the casinos! I'm super excited, and yes I'm gonna miss my husband but its gonna be so much fun I can't wait! Well blog my fingers are bout to fall off from typing this on my phone! Good night all!

New table

Here's a picture of my new kitchen table! I love love love it!

Hmmmm

Thanksgiving was great! Got to spend sometime with my family that I don't get to see much! Life is looking good! I guess I've abandoned my blog cause I really don't have much to write about anymore! My life isn't a big mess like it was! In less than 8 days ill be taking a trip with a life long friend to tunica for my birthday! I'm excited bout this! She and I go way back! I love her dearly and would do anything in the world for her! Been many years since we've had time to spend with each other and its gonna be great! I love u margie!
I'm still hanging on to the promise I made yes its been hard, I've almost slipped a few times but didn't! I'm a good girl! But I'm also in need of the touch of a woman! I just want one to snuggle with that's all! I can't do anymore cause I promised someone I wouldn't! So if ur reading this and want mind me holding u then please contact me! Cause I'm in need! Thanks! Good night blog don't got anything else to say!

When you can't turn back

Sometimes you do things that you can't ever take back! Like, when a frienship crosses a line that is no longer friendship! For the moment it felt so good then after it was all said and done you realized that what happened just changed ur life forever! I hope that one day we will be the friends we used to be but I feel we will never be able to go back! So the more I think about being with you the more I feel like I'm ready for the time that you finally give me a chance to show you I'm more than just talk! Now when that time happens I hope that it happens naturally and not set up! I want you to feel as if its meant to be and not just because! Now with all that said remember I made you a promise! If I shall keep this promise its gonna take a lot of pride from me because I'm in need of a touch! All I ask is for u not to lead me on in hopes that I get a chance! I hope ur reading this now and see that I'm truthful and honest with you! I want you and I want you bad! If ever a chance in your mind you feel that you could never let me show you how I want to show you then please take a few mins and tell me! Email me, text me, or call me or tell me face to face! I feel like you want me your just scared! You showed me something that most people wouldn't show unless they are into you! You showed me your body! I was like damn! I know you think I'm crazy but when I see beauty I know it! I hope u understand!
Now, life is more about what's going on than what's up! We live one day at a time to make it to the next day! Good night!

Wordless wednesday

Veterans day

What does it mean to you? To me its a day to honor the men and women who wrote a check made payable to the usa for the freedom we enjoy day in and day out! To me its like they paid for the air we breathe! So take this time to thank a solider for a job well done! So many of my family and friends have family that served! My dad and father in law stand out the most! Its not that the rest didn't sacrifice their lifes but these two men went above the call of duty! They fought in one of the most hated wars of all time! Still to this day they don't feel like they are accepricated by americans! Veitnam was the only war that our soliders came home and wasn't welcomed with parades, open arms, people proud to see them! They come home to people lined up to put them down, spitting on them, calling them names, turning their backs to them! No other war in American history was a US solider treated so rudely! It's sad that these two men joined at the age of 18 because if they didn't they would of been forced too! My dad lost his best friend, countless others while fighting for the air you breathe! Jody went two tours because he wanted to make sure every US solider came home! Your reading this because of young men and women who made it possible for you and I to be here today! So I hope u took the time to thank a solider! Thanks to all soliders! Welcome Home Dad and Jody! If I could I'd make it a world wide event to welcome home every Vietnam Veterans the proper way! Love you both!!!

Hello is really good bye

With every hello there's always a good bye somewhere in the picture! Saying good bye can be the hardest thing you ever have to do! It can be the last thing someone hears! Lastly it could be the last thing u told someone you love! No matter what the good bye means if you love the person let them know! Never let a loved one leave with out saying I love u! Times are hard when the ones you love leave you wanting more! Lifes not an easy road but a road made up of choices! Choice wisely!
Today is given, yesterday is history, tomorrow isn't promised! Never think that just because your here today you'll be here tomorrow! Life is a precious gift that we most take for granted at certain times in our life! Walk around day to day like its your last! Never ever think that your gonna make it until the next day! Thanks for listening I'm off to bed now! Good bye!

RIP NICK BELL --- WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

Friends birthday

Today is a special friends birthday! We've had some rough times but we've come thru it all! Thanks to God above I'm able to celebrate her birthday with her one more year! Only this year she's with someone else and I'm happy in my marriage! She's with the one that makes her smile and gives her the love she deserves and needs! Thanks michelle for picking up where I couldn't finish! Thanks for loving her and caring for her! Thanks! Well missy its your birthday sweetie I hope its the best one yet! Love u girl!

Best friends

My new God son

Tonight I became a godmother and I'm so proud! I can't have kids so I'm gonna spoil this one rotten!!! I'm so happy for his parents Jeffery and Brittany Davis and his grandmother Cheryl Dillow! ! Heres a picture of this handsome little man and his father and mother! His dad is off at basic training and want get To see his son until December 18 when he comes home for Christmas!!! Please say a prayer for him and this precious baby boy! I love you Cheryl, Jeff, Brittany and baby Aaron!

I support glbtq - wordless wednesday

Promises, Promises and more promises!

The other night I was chatting online to a friend that I've kind of had a crush on in a sexual way! This person knows that I like em and want em! So, I don't know what made me go out on a limb and promise this person that I wouldn't look at, talk to or have sex with anyone of this persons type! After I said it I was like what in the hell did you just do? Maybe that was the most stupidest thing I've ever done in my life! Then I got to thinking you know Christy you don't ever make promises that you never intend on keeping! You always keep your promise no matter what it is or to who its too! I'm not one to tell you something then change my mind in ten minutes! I told this person that id wait as long as it took em to decide either they wanted me sexually or they told me they could never be with sexually! Now, since that promise I ain't really had a chance to talk to this person to make sure that I didn't freak em out! So I've come to the conclusion that ill back away from them, like talking to them on phone, texting, or inbox messaging them on facebook! Maybe when they feel the time is right they will come to me! Until then I'm focusing on making me happy! Enough about that situation!
Next, order of business too discuss! I feel like crap! Point blank I feel like shit! Someone gave me a cold and I feel like shit! Ugh! I can't think of much more to say so I guess its bed time! Peace!

Wordless Wednesday

National Coming Out Day

Today marks the day that people can come out with the rest of the world by their side! Its a day that everyone that's gay, bi or lesbian can come out with out fear of judgement! I want be taking part in this for one reason! I'm married and many of his family members are my friends on fb and myspace and twitter so if I did then they might look at me wrongly and think very bad thoughts about him! Now I know that I'm going to heaven I know who my lord is and I know what he expects of me! I've read the bible many times and never have I seen it say anything about sexuality! I feel he loves you no matter what! As long as you love, honor and teach others about him! I've been bisexual all my life never understood until I was a little older that it was ok to have feelings for a woman like I did! But I knew I was different and I knew that I had something inside of me that made me feel like that! It wasn't a phase as many said it was I was born this way! No one chooses the way their heart feels! I'm sorry but your heart tells you what to feel! I love my husband but never will I ever be a straight out hetrosexual! Ill always be bisexual! So for all of you that are coming out then love to you! I'm right there with you! Peace!

Just need to vent

With all this bullying stuff going on and all the talk about gays and lebians! I feel the need to vent a little! Its my blog I feel I can! Having grown up a child that hide my sexual idenity because of the way I was raised here in the south! I knew many moons ago that something was different about me! I had attractions to both sexes! I too like many kids growing up got talked about in school because I'm different! I'm not like most girls in high school! I didn't wear make up, I wore jeans and tshirts didn't care what I looked like! If my hair was a mess or not! That's just me! You either liked me or u didn't! Most didn't! In high school I knew that I had feelings for woman but never acted on those feelings because of the fear of rejection! Since I've gotten older I've since acted on my feelings and have come out to some close friends and family! Most of them have accepted me! Its just the thought of being shunned away! I too like most kids thought about suicide! I never really did anything to hurt myself but the thoughts did occur in my head! Now, I think bullying has gone to far this day in time! I feel like every body that's ever been bullied or talked about needs to stand up and show these people that your no different than them! If your reading this and have bullied someone think about this! What if you woke up every single morning knowing that someones gonna talk about you cause ur different! Think before you bully because you don't know what that person is thinking! When we wake up what's on our mind is what is gonna be said today or who's gonna push me around today! Gays, lesbians, bisexuals, tranys all put on our pants one leg or both legs at a time! We put on our shirts over our head just like you! We tie our shoes just like you! So think about it before you begin to say something about a gay, lez or bi person! We are no different than you! We drive the same cars, ride the same buses, walk the same streets, work right beside you! Unless we tell you or dress a little different you would never know it! Looking at me up until I cut my hair off would u think that I was bi? Nope, nuthing about me spoke bi! When I cut my hair short then yes I was officially telling all I'm bi and proud of it! My plan is to get a tattoo on my birthday! I want a yin yang with half bi flag colors and have black and white! Why you might ask the bi colors because I'm openly bi and why black and white cause I don't see color! I'm not against you because ur black I love all! Now, if your reading and would like to share by all means go ahead! This gay, lesbian, and bi bullying must stop! Thanks for taking the time to stop by!

May you RIP AUNT Jeanette!

One year ago today I lost someone special to me! Id like to take out a few mins and let you read a little note I wrote her after she passed!

Dear aunt jeanette,
How is things up there in heaven? How's mamaw doing? I know you was so proud to see Jimmy again, I know mamaw was proud to you! Please give them all a hug and kiss for me! I know over the years you and I lost touch nut you was always on my mind! I wanted to take a few minutes and tell you thank you for giving me the time you did give me, showing me how to live life like it was my last day to live! You showed me things that know other aunt could of shown me! Thanks! As I write this letter to you I can see your smiling face, hear your sweet voice! I see you looking down upon me! Your meant more to me than I was ever able to show you! I know that today I gained a new angel to watch over me and protect me! Thanks for that! Your a great person and heaven gained a great one! Thanks again! I love you and miss you!
Love, christy!

I wrote that letter soon after her death, I took it to her grave where I put it on her grave for all to see! Its still doesn't seem real, it doesn't seem like she's gone! I truly miss her and if I could turn back the hands of time id took more time out of my busy life to have spent more time with her! I know one day ill get to see her again but life without her just isn't the same! As I close this blog I feel like I've lost another piece of my heart that'll never be regained until that day I make it to heaven to see her again! I love you aunt jeanette! I know your smiling on me right now!
Cherish every moment u have with someone! Tell them u love them before its too late!

Over time we get to know people but we don't know how much they mean to you or what u mean to them until they leave and you know your not gonna see them for the next couple of months! Over the past year I got to know a young gentleman that I've watch grow into a mature man! His mother is one of my best friends! She raised him and 2 other kids all by herself! She's an amazing mother and a great friend! I know he will make a fine us army solider and come a new man! He's got a plan and is sticking to it! He said he wanted to join he did all the steps to make it happen and left today for basic training! His life is about to change for ever but for the best! Its gonna be a long few months for his family and him! I have the upmost faith in him that he'll be all he can be! Thanks to good times spent with him I have those memories to hold on too and so does his family!
Next on my mind is what is a "true" friend vs just a "friend"? I guess I'm wondering this because over the course of the past few months I've figured out who my true friends are! To me a true friend is one that's there for u 100% of the time! They never ever tell u they can't when they really can! They always want what's best for you and never wants to see you hurt! They love u for u and never judges you for your down falls! When the going gets tough they are standing there with you! They never leave your side in time of need! A friend is one that just comes around when they want to they get going when the tough shows up! They act like they can't be around you when u need them most! They want u to be there for them but them not there for u! Its hard to know who's true or not until times get rough! I'm blessed to have several true friends that have stood beside me thru a lot and seen me thru some of my darkest times! They know who they are I don't ever have to call them out! They know when I need them before I even say a word! Thanks to all my true friends!
Thirdly, I'm so nervous about going on thrusday to talk to a knee surgeon about knee replacement surgery! I feel like I'm ready for the talk just not ready to admit to myself that I'm ready! If only I felt better! Life wouldn't seem so hard! But right now this isn't the life I dreamed about as a kid growing up! But is life really the way we dreamed it?! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog! Peace, Love and Happiness!

REGISTER

Poundering my Life

With the doctor's appointment luming about my knee that isn't doing well at all. I had an MRI done last week and I had this gut feeling that it wasn't gonna be a good thing, so then i decided to just deal with it and let go. So, I went several days without sleep worring about the results because I had the MRI done on friday and had to wait all freaking weekend to get the results. On Monday, they called me and told me that I had a possible torn ligament. I laid in bed all day and cried because the people that I love and trust to pick me up out of the dumps i was in couldn't do it. Corey was at work, when i needed him to be the person that he is he couldn't be because he was at work. Missy, was with her girlfriend and kind of blew me off a little. But you know that hurt because it seems that when they need me to be the most sincere person that i can be, i step up no matter what im doing or where im at if i can stop to help them out of the dumps i do my best to do just that. Ive learned that we can't expect everyone to be like us so we just have to go with the flow and move on. Im not leaving either of them behind, just time for me to get myself out of this dump feeling im feeling. After wednesday when I go to the knee doctor and get a better understand about what is going on maybe ill be out of the dumps. Until then, its time for me to make myself happy and not rely on others to make it better.
Next, sexual frustrations has caused me to resent my husband more than i have in the past. Its been many months since Ive wanted sex and i wanted an orgasm and he couldn't even do that. But, im just a selfish person because i wanted it. Thats what he told me the other night, that i was selfish and one sided. But, its ok for him to get off but im selfish for wanting to get off. So i told him that i was going to find a woman that could help me if he couldn't preform. That didn't make him any mind and i then told him that if he came in and found me in bed with another woman he better not say a word because i for warned him that i was going to cheat on him. He then told me that he was trying to prove a point to me. that when he wants it and i turn him down how he feels. But what i tried to tell him was that i just didn't want sex i wanted to get off and he couldnt do it. It just was very frustrating.
Sometimes, i have to step back and look at my past in order to find the ispiration to keep going. It gives me the strength to get out of bed when i just wanna lay there and die. Yes, sudicially thoughts have flooded my brain, ive even gotten to the point that i was gonna just give up. I love my life but when I'm at my deepest time sudically thoughts just feel my head. I don't feel like id ever kill myself but if things don't look up I might just do that.
I have some amazing friends that have really come out and shined when i needed them most. Alot of times, when life gets hard your find out who your real friends are. I want to take a few mins and thank them for the times they given me and helped me thru so much. First, Missy, no matter how much we have been thru we have managed to pick up the pieces and move passed all that and thank you so much for helping me get thru some of my difficult times. You know me pretty well, and know what makes me tick and what makes me push on and what to say to push me on. thanks for all youve done. I couldn't ask for a better friend in you. Corey, yes i know that you thought i wouldn't say thank you to you because you think i hate you but really in truly i love you with all my heart and thank you for being there for me when i needed and loving me for me despite it all. Your a great person no matter how much i might act like i don't love you. I do love you. Next, Dana, wow where to begin, its been over a year since we first met and my gosh the things that we have done and be thru. Girl, you mean the world to me, you have helped me thru so much, done so much for me that i couldn't begin to tell you how much you mean to me. Your so much fun, thanks for all you have done for me. Your great. Cheryl, well, its been many years since we met and became friends. It wasn't until this past year that we became actually best of friends. thanks for all you have done, listening to me bitch about things and being there for me thru some of my darkest times. Well, I have thanked you all for what you mean to me.
Life is a made of many choices in your life that sometimes those choice we don't get to make on our own and have to take them with the situation. Friends is one choice that we can make and when we make this choice we have to look at certain things in them to see if they are gonna be ligit or fake.
Its time for me to close this blog. So thanks for reading and if you want to comment and leave me feedback then please do. thanks for all my reads..

Peace, Love and Happiness!!!!!!!!!!!!

Depression

Sometimes depression kills people. Its been awhile since Ive been this depressed that I could careless about anything I do or doing. I just don't care really to eat or anything. I had a shot in my knee yesterday and it has made my knee hurt worse than it did before I got the shot. It got me down last night. I told my friends that I was gonna just kill my self and get it over with. I woke up this am in a little better mood than I went to bed with maybe I had a little relief from GOD he comforted me with some of my pain and made it a little better. Its still hurting like it was yesterday all day today. I can't strech it out or bend it, it hurts to get up off the couch, toliet and all the other things like have to get up off of. Interesting enough i can get in out of the truck with little to no pain and that is the funny thing. I just feel like giving up, because im sure that im headed in the direction of total knee replacement. Im really scared but i have too much to live for when i set down and think about all the good in my life. I have a great family and friends that keep me going. Thanks to all my good friends. I love you all. Only so long can a woman hide the feelings for another woman and hide the sexual feelings for another woman. For some reason these feelings come back when i get down and out. I guess because I can't do things with my husband because of my legs, with a woman i don't have to use my legs. These feelings are getting so strong that If the right woman was to walk in my house and said one word id have her in the bed and not stop until she told me too. Im happy with my life just need a little action from a woman and i feel like that i would be better. I just need that touch, feel of what a woman has. Maybe one day ill get my chance. Missy and I have been talking and she is happy, so Im not gonna ruin something that is a good thing. I know how it is to be lonely and feel like no one loves you. So I'm not going to even ask for it because i don't want her to cheat on her girlfriend because i know how that feels too. its not a good feeling. I love missy and shes a great friend and im so happy she has finally found her the perfect woman that makes her happy. Its hard to find the right one and when you do its the greatest experience known to man. Living like happily is better than living life with out anyone in you life. Thanks to her she has pushed me to keep going and im going to keep pushing her to be with her woman and make things better. i love you missy. Well, blogger i guess i need to get off here. Ive rambled on for a long time. Good night.

where to start

Its been a long few days since I last posted a blog. So much has happened that i don't know where to begin. First i guess, i should say that i got a new phone and can't blog from my phone anymore. Secondly, I spent 2 nights in the hospital with my husband because he was on the verge of a heartattack. Luckily i got him to the hospital in time before i lost my best firend, husband and lover. We come home on tuesday pm, i took a nap and got up and it all got better until today. My friend missy's ex decided to fucking mess with her and her friends and it just pisses me off. She isn't happy and doesn't want anyone else happy. Tonight, I got up, went down hall way to the bed room to watch the NY GIANTS play on the tv while he was watching something on the tv in the living room. I called missy because her girlfriend left mad and i was trying to calm missy down and let her know that she would cool off in a little bit and things would be fine. Just like i said missy's gf texted her and told her that she loved her thats a good sign that she is cooling off and doesn't want to break up over stupid shit. Then, i got up out of the bed and started down the hallway only to start a fight with my husband. Its like everytime hes in the living room alone and on the computer i think he is on a porn site because he has been caught to many times looking at porn. Now i haven't been with a woman since this time last year because I dont' want to be with one. When missy and i broke up i made a vow to be faithful to my husband. Missy and I have been talking but she knows im happy with him and she understands that i love him. I started off down the hallway tonight and i thought i saw him looking down the hallway at me like he was hiding something. So i said oh here she comes i better close down what im doing and it started a fight. He made a mark that i had hurt him because i was accusing him of something he hadn't done. Then he said well, what if i had said i don't trust that your not fucking missy. I said it wouldn't bother me because i know im not and im not quilty of something. I looked at him and said why are we still together and his reply hurt me deeply, ripped my heart clean out my chest. He said, I DON'T KNOW!!!!!! that ripped my heart cleanly out of my chest that is telling me that you hate me. So, i started crying and i just told him that i was going to pack my stuff up and id be out by morning. I love this man and everyone will tell you that ive come along ways from this time last year. if i didn't love this man i wouldn't be with him right now. I'd left him for missy when i had the chance to leave him. I sit here tonight and told him that if he would quit looking at porn id walk away from missy and never go back. I mean that. Im sorry missy but you know that when you love somoene you will do what ever it takes to keep them and never let them go. I told him i said corey i love you with all my heart, id lay down and die for you, if they had said christy he needs another heart, id told that doctor to take mine right out of me and give it to him and let me die thats the honest GOD truth. Id walk out in front of a bullet if it would save him from getting shot. If that isn't love then i don't know what the fuck love is. Now, i feel like that he will never ever quit looking at porn so i have no worry about walking away from my friend missy. So missy you have no worries. I love ya girl with out you sometimes i wouldn't be here. youve helped me thru so much and pushed me to keep going. If it wasn't GOD's will then we wouldn't be talking today. Thanks for helping me thru all that youve helped me thru and im still here. I love you and i truly love corey russell holland. good night blog..

Time for change!

Haven't blogged since I lost my son I felt it was time! I've been reading a blog about a woman who at the age of 35 admited to herself and others she was a lesbian! I'm not saying that I'm bout to divorce my husband because I'm not! I love him dearly with all my heart! What I am saying is that its time for me to make a change in my life and quit hiding behind the trees and face the world as a happy bisexual female! Either you love me for me or u don't! Its up to you! I can't make you nor am I gonna push you! I will not stand around and let someone talk bout gays/lesbians/bis/trans because we are just like you! We put our clothes on just like you, we eat the same food you do, we wear the same clothes you do! What happens in our bedrooms isn't any of your business! Do not ask and you want ever hear! Thank you! Enough about that! The other change I'm gonna make is what my husband and I eat! He has to lose the weight and I can stand to lose a little 2! The hard part is that I'm on predisone which makes me hungry! Little known fact is that weight loss is a lifestyle change! It takes courage and determination! Next, you know its hard losing an animal its like losing an aunt, uncle, mom or dad! But, I know he's better off! Next, I've had a really hard time fighting back emotions for a person but its getting easier because I know she's happy! She's in love and that makes it a little easier! Once you cross the friendship/sexual line then its really hard to go back! But we both are happy and it makes the transition much easier! I'm not gonna say that I don't love her sexually cause I still have a love for her! No doubt! Just like with your first love you will always have some sort of feelings! Its human nature! Its in our blood! But, the one I'm talking bout is reading this I hope she knows I want nuthing but the best for her and I'd never do a thing to come between her and her gf! I'm not a home wrecker when they are happy! Now I can't say I wouldn't try if they wasn't happy! But, missy girl you'll always hold a key to my heart! You and I shared lots of times just remember your my best friend! I'm here for you and you be there for me! Girl, I love you and hope you and michelle (who) have the best life possible! She makes your face light up and that makes me so happy! Never forget you got a lifelong friend in me! Thanks for everything! Now dry your eyes! You know u gotta read this to me! Hehe! Good nite blogland! Peace!

RIP BOOMER HOLLAND

As I write this blog out I have a very heavy heart that got ripped clean from my chest when we had to put my best friend, son and best dog a girl could ask for to sleep! He stole my heart 7 yrs ago this month and he never let go! The little things like the train going by and all the dogs barking tonight they didn't bark not one time! The memories of him flood my body just like if I'd lost a human family member! Its so weird him being gone! When I came home he wasn't waiting at door on me, he wasn't wagging his tail wanting in when I let bella in! He wasn't standing in his cage wanting me to pick him up! He just wasn't there! @928 am he went to sleep @ about 930am he took his sweet little breath! At that moment my heart shattered in a million pieces! I've yet to find them all! @650pm we laid in down in his final resting place! He's now in his favorite spot that he liked to lay! He's truly missed by so many and so many loved him dearly! Maybe one day ill find all the pieces to my heart and begin to put it back together! Until that time I know he's in doggie heaven and now I have another angel watching over me! Boomer Holland, buddy if ur seeing me write this out just know mommy and daddy loves you! I've cried until I don't think I can cry anymore! Its time to go buddy! I miss you and love u little man! My little one eyed monster! Your my best friend, son and compant that anyone could ask for! Lifes not the same without you! But buddy, just watch over me, daddy, uncle brody, granny, nana, poppa, mimi, papaw, aunt missy, and last but not least heather! Watch over us buddy as we make our way thru this world without our best friend! Watch over the other ones that loved you as well! Ones not mentioned in this blog buddy you know who they are! Thanks for great memories and the best friend I could ever ask for! You knew things that I possibly couldn't begin to tell anyone! You knew before I could tell a soul! Buddy, the trains coming thru, I hear you barking right now! Your wife bella misses you more than I could possible know! She misses chewing on ur little ears, trying to get you to play even when you didn't feel like it! Buddy oh pal I love u and may you have the best life possible now! No more nasty dog food, no more nasty flavored treats, buddy your in heaven and I'm sure you've got the finest things! More places to to mark ur terroritory than ever thought imaginable! Buddy, run wild and free and mark every thing you can! Mommy and daddy truly miss you! We love u son! Good night and have a great life with the rest of the doggies and mean ol cats! Buddy, I can't close this blog cause there's so much more to say but I have to! Daddys got supper cooked! Ill make sure to save u the bone!

.1.1.1.1.1

As the words form in my head and my fingers type them out! Its hard sometimes not to think bout the things you could of done differently or said at the right time! I've got list of things I'd change if I could but you know I can't so its no need in writing them down! Life isn't made up of easy roads its made up of hard streets! Never take anyone for granted because that person will be the one to hurt you in the end! I feel like I'm married to this disease that's taken my body over as eminems song goes I'm taken control bitch I'm serving u with divorce papers because its too late to go to the other side! I've served my time! That's how I feel! Although I can't serve my body with papers or push it out my life because hell its my body! I'm gonna ramble like always its just the way I talk! Tonight, I went out for the 2ms! Mexican and margaritas! Its like u can't have one with out the other! I'm no alcoholic but I do enjoy drinkin occasionally! Yea when I drink I get a little tipsy! Wow! You know your mind isn't right when u drink so I let it slip that this girl in the restaurant was sexy! My hubby didn't care that I said that! But damn when a womans pretty tell her because if you don't then her self esteem will get low to the point that she doesn't give a shit! That's me! I could care less what u thouhgt about me! I'm fat, fluffy and fucking proud of it! Yep that's me! Don't need anyone to tell me I'm all the above! Well blog as I said before these words on this page is useless as can be! Peace out biatches!

worth nothing!

These words that fill this space is worth nothing to anyone but me! Its worth lots to me because it gives me the time to clear my head of all the jumbo mumbo that fills the wide open space between my ears! These words are worth nothing but if the right person got a hold of my work I might have a book written! Have u ever felt like someone wrote about you! Most bloggers think their stuff is worth nuthing just like me! I'm a hopeless, helpless blogger with no ryhm or reason and its chalk full of nothings! Sometimes in like we often feel that life is worth nuthing! It could be because you lost your job, family member or just a friend! It can make u feel worthless! I know trust me, I speak with cofindence and expertise! Life is what you make it, I've tried to make mine as worthling as possible but at times I feel like I'm worth nuthing! Its truly amazes me everytime I reread the things I've written that the things I write are worth nothing! You don't know how a person feels unless you have lived their life! Until then just remember we are worth something! Worth nothing is useless words that cause pain, drama and lives hurt! Well, bloggers that's all of my worth nuthing words that I have to say to fill this page! Just like my head the space is now worth nuthing!

You can stand there and watch me write out how I feel but do u really understand I blog it because I can't speak it! I'm a book waiting to be written but no author of my own life! Its another day another time I lay in bed and wonder what if and would I and how come! But I can't tell u that I'm not gonna be a better person with out showing u! Why tell u something if I aint willing to take a stand and change? Its just like the things that goes on around us if its not said then how did this man know that the world was round! Wow! The things that we say can make someone smile or cry! Yes my blogs are random but I live a random life! I like it like that because it keeps people guessing what's she gonna say or do next! Never does a day go by that I don't leave someone guessing! Lifes too short to be sad all the time its time to smile that u made it another day! Every minute the lord calls another one home! Death isn't easy to digest but its the best thing sometimes! Suffering is a form of the devil testing the limits of the lord! Just look at me I'm suffering in pain everyday have I given up no! I continue to send the devil packing everyday that I pop another pill! Wow! Its great to be able to write these things down because hell if I didn't I might explode! Yea I made u smile, that's my job! Just like today I told a friend the disability ppl called and she thought I said the village ppl called! Lmao right now! Its the things like that can make ur darkest days brighter! Never go one day with out a smile or the devil will think he's won again! Yes folks the devil loves to play mind games! Just remember if ur minds right all u gotta do is tell him to pack his shit and keep it moving! As these words fill this page I'm lead to believe that I'm just another helpless blogger with no true meaning behind my actions or thoughts! If u don't like what I write or how I write then u know what I say! Get the fuck off my page cause ur shit aint welcomed here! Good night blog! Good morning friends!
Peace, love and beer!
Peace out! :-)!

mind running wild

You can read the words that I write down but you'll never know what's really going on in my head! I'm like a firetruck headed to a fire! I'm full of words that I don't know how to put on paper to make them sound like something! Its just like I got all this stuff in my mind that needs to be let out but where do I begin! Before its to late! I'm not gonna stand here and let you make me out to be the one I'm not! I'm a happy person with words that can light up the sky at nite! If you don't know then just ask because I aint afraid to tell u just how I feel! You might not like it when I'm done but damn it its how I feel! Never in my life have I felt this passionatly about quiting my job! Its not gonna be an easy decision but one that has to be made on behalf of my health! Its not because I hate my job cause I don't! I love it to say the least! Not everyone can say that about the place they work! I met many life long friends! Its been quite a journey but its not one that I'd take say I hated! Its one for the record! Living my life the best way I know how! Its either you follow me or join me for the ride! Its gonna be a long hard road so if ur up for the challenge then come on! I'm not afraid of anything! I'm ready to take a stand and brand my body for the pain I've been thru! Its not an easy road I've been down I always did things the hard way never looked for the easy way out that just wasn't me! I'm a fighter not a hater! Ill fight tooth and nail for something that I want! I'm not gonna give up easily! Just ask my friends! They will tell you wgo I really am! I'm the one that's been standing behind them all pushing the to be better and never give up! Now its them pushing me to keep moving! Maybe it took me going thru the pits of hell to come out where I am now! Its not everyday you get to walk hand and hand with the devil and come out alive! Its like I told a friend one time it takes a strong hearted person to do what I did! I went thru the most difficult time in my life with no regrets or regards to who I hurt or what I did! I waa living for the moment! When you live for the moment you best be prepared to go thru the darkest parts of ur life or you'll never make it out alive! Hell isnt the best place to be! Its hot there but with good friends, family and God I made it back to the other side before I served my time! I never thought that it would be like that but in the end I learned a hard lessaon!! One that isn't taught by anyone but the devil hisself! It took me doing a lot of soul searching, thinking and sleeping to make it out! I had a lot of aplogizing to do when I did come out! Thank God for better days and things to come! As you read these words I hope you get to see a deeper side of me than you've ever seen before! It doesn't take long to realize that what you have before you is the best thing that could ever happen to you! I also learned that no matter what your mom is still gonna love u until the end! She's been my biggest supporter! She never looked down on me when I told her I was bisexual! She didn't say I hate you all she said was I've been waiting for u to tell me! It made me feel good because I was worried! But my whole family have stood behind me in my coming out process! It feels great to finally be open bout my sexuallity and not have to worry bout hiding it! Now if only coreys family would accept me and not look down on me! I'd be in a great place! My sexuallity isn't my biggest problem with his family! Actually they all love me and I love them just sometimes its like the act like they are better than me! I don't care for ppl like that! People that are bi, gay, lesbian or trannies are just like the next straight person! We put our pants on one leg at a a time! Nuthing different about us but what we like in our private lives! That's the only difference! But to some people we are against those and think we are all going to hell! Well, like I told my husband if that's the case of us going to hell then all these men who think porn is the best thing out there then where are u going? You going to hell with me! I aint gonna be walking that road alone or standing in the line getting in! You gonna be right there with me arm and arm! Skipping our way to see the might wizard! But, its not what u are its what's in ur heart! I also told him that he probably words side by side and even sits by someone that is gay, bi or lesbian at work, church, restaurant! You don't know unless thet tell u or have something on that says they are! No one knows it and its none of anyones business! But until you are happy with yourself and the things around you, then you will never be able to come out to the world! Just like my friends jo and lauren until they are happy with there lifestyles then they will never be able to actually come out so to speak to the world! You'd be very surprised at the ppl that know just by ur reactions to things and the way you act around certain ppl! I told jo and lauren both that I'd be standing beside them when they decided to tell the world they are a couple and a happy couple! But until then its my secret and theirs! Ill never out anyone because I didn't want to be outed before my time! But lifes to short to stand around and wait for everyone to accept you for who u are! You gotta be able to accept yourself! Well, the words flow on this page like the way the come in my mind random! But blog it feels great to let out the feelings I've been holding back! No holds bar now! I'm outta here! Catch ya on the flip side of the pillow! Holla if u hear me! I'm not afraid!

3 words that hurts to say!

In life we meet different types of people! It takes every type to make the world go 'round! When we meet the person that makes us smile just talking bout them then u know that you've found someone special! It takes a lot for some people to be able to say the 3 words that make up I LOVE YOU! Now, to some they like to use those words freely just for the sake of talking! Others it for real! Life isn't the easiest thing you can go thru! Your gonna get hurt, heartbroken and last but not least someones gonna tell u they love u! Now, this leads to a special friend in my life that in earlier blogs I've bashed badly but we both are extremely happy and want the best for both! Its been little over a month now almost 2 since she's started dating this woman in her life! Up until today they had not uttered the words I love u! One because jo (not actual name) had been hurt by previous realationships and didn't think its fair to just throw those words around and two lauren(not actual name) had never been in a lesbian relationship and was truly scared! It takes a lot for lauren to hide her feelings because she's not out to the world but jo gives her that respect! Because truly jo isn't out to the world either! But today jo and I had planned out the way jo was gonna tell lauren! Now mind you jo is nervous but I told her it would come out natural when she least expected it! Jo and Lauren went to eat and jo just looked lauren in her eyes and said I love u! Lauren said I was wondering how long it was gonna take u! A few tears where shed but a lasting relationship was finally bond together with those 3 words! Once they are said things can move on from here! Jo and lauren are happy and I'm happy for both! I love you both and want nuthing but the best for u both! Jo just treat lauren like I taught you how to treat a woman! Lauren let jo make u the happiest woman alive! Thanks for allowing me to be apart of such a great thing! *cheers* *hugs*

Good night blog I've done my job today! I brought another couple to terms with those 3 words! I love you!

If u break it down I(means the one talking) Love (what's in ur heart, the way u feel) you(the person ur telling it to)!

Not Afraid

Sometimes songs I hear just strike me! The make me think! I relate to them! I know its crazy but I do! Just like this one!

Not Afraid by Eminem

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

(Intro)Yeah, It's been a ride...I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow meI'll get you there

(Verse 1)You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he
From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shit'n
Whether he's on salary, paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shit's his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the universe

(Hook)I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

(Verse 2)Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was "ehhhh"
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground

just sayin'

As long as we continue down the same path we can't ever expect a different result! I'm tired of fighting a losing battle! But, I can't give up! I've got too many friends that need me! Friends come all shapes, colors, sizes and values! I've found an old high school friend that every moment I get with her I cherish like its the last! I've still got a friend in my stepmom that I truly thought I'd lost! We've been thru a lot! I've seen became friends with my exgf because I still love her and want to see her happy! My work friends are still there! They still miss me and God knows I miss them! I'm very happy with my life! I feel like I must of went thru the 7yr itch stage! Corey makes me happy I don't need another realationship to fill the gap anymore! I'm not gonna tell you that ill never sleep with another woman because its something that I might want again one day! Another woman makes me feel special she knows the things that turn me on the things that make me smile! I have a woman in mind that I told my best friend marty that the next woman I slept with would be this woman that will remain nameless in case she reads this blog! She doesn't know how I admire her or how I've day dreamed bout her! I'm never gonna tell her! She's happy and I'm happy! Why mess up our happiness? Times when I'm wide awake I miss my ex because I could call her and just listen to her talk and it would comfort me enough to sleep! But I've moved on from that now I turn to my snoring husband for the comfort I need to put me to sleep! I know he loves me more than I give him credit for! I love him dearly! Life is full of mistakes but we learn from them and we move on! Thanks to a cold beer on occasion ill live to see 2morrow! Its little things in life that we take for granted! The times when you held my hand and told me its gonna be alright! I've learned from my mistakes! Life in the fast lane teaches you how to move! I'm in the slow lane now! I don't move like I used to! I can move like that! Good nite blog! Oh excuse me good morning blog! Another sleepless nite!

Fathers Day, visit with friend, etc

Its been a little while since I've blogged! This past sunday was fathers day! I felt like it was time to show my father just how useless, worthless, deadbeat he was! I laid in bed and wrote him a little letter via email! I just laid all my feelings out! He called me that day apologizing and telling me he loved me! Its a little late dontcha think! Well, lifes too short to dewell on past! So, I also felt the need to email a very special man and woman in my life to just let them know how much they made me feel and how much I've appreciated them! They called me and told me thank you and wanted to tell me they loved me! I went on monday and got my haircut so I dropped by to see them! I had a very nice visit with them! These ppl are the parents to the woman I was in a realationship with for 3 1/2 yrs! When I pulled up memories come flooding my brain! I almost couldn't handle it but I did! The memories of her and I kept poping in my head! They kept playing over and over! It was almost like I was reliving it again! I even fought back tears several times, I hid emotions just so no one will see them! It was hard but I made it thru it! I can't say that I don't still love her cause I do just not in love! She's found the right one for her! I wish them both best of luck! Nuthing but happiness! Its been a great wk so far! Its the little things I miss bout our relationship, the companionship, the being able to talk to someone that understood me, shared some of the same passions that I did! Also. The times we shared intimatly and non intimatly! But I'm happy in my life right now! He makes me happy I don't see me finding another woman anytime soon! But, before I go I want to say that why live in the darkness of hell, when you can live in the lightness of heaven! Good nite blog! Peace, love and happiness!

a tribute to a long lost friend!

A little detail about my friend marty! 14 yrs ago on may 23 I lost my best friend! We had been thru so much together! No she didn't die its just that we both went our seperate ways! I thought about her over the years but never slowed down to find her! Until the bright sunshiny day I was off work, playing on facebook and had a friends request from her! My heart stood still for a moment! I took a deep breathe and said lord is this my long lost best friend! He just looked down and said yes my child! It was the happiest day of my life! I'd never thought I'd ever find her again! I did! Thank you lord! Now u know a little bout her here's an email I sent her! Its my words nuthing copied nuthing like that! Enjoy! Good night and God bless!


Over the years we've changed, gotten older, lost a few hairs, some have turned gray, but one things for sure I never forgot u and you never forgot me! Its been years but it seems like yesterday that we saw each other! That we was still in high school! Its been a lot of water under the bridge! We've both experienced things that we needed each other for mentally and physically! I hate I've missed the birth of ur babies, the time of sorrow when u needed me most! But it was Gods will that he brought us back together! He has a way of bring two ppl back together when one or both needs it most! Marty, our busy life styles made us grow apart but this time we are slowing down to smell the roses! We only got one life to live why live it in the darkness of hell when u can live it in the light of heaven! It takes years to form the friendship we have and only hours to forget the times we had! Over the years I've searched for someone like u to be there for me like u had been! Just like u I'm sure u searched for someone like me! Its human nature we all do it! But I never found that person until that day u walked back in my life! My heart was whole again! The piece that went missing finally found its way back! Thanks for the true friendship we have! Its times like this I wish we lived closer! Cause when ur done reading ur gonna be crying and I wish I was there to whip the tears away! Just remember this I never lost hope of finding you again nor did I lose the love that I had for u then and the love that's gotten stronger since we've been talking! No matter how bad life gets remember I love u just the way u are! You never have to change for me cause ur just as beautiful today as you was that hot night in 1996 when I seen u last! Keep ur head up and never let anyone steal ur joy! I'm here to protect u from the storm and love u unconditionally and give u what ever you might need! I love u marty lynn baker! If no one else cares I do!

Your best friend,Christy lynn holland

took a trip down memory lane

Not even realizing today was my aunts birthday! I took a trip down memory lane! Eating my lunch today and my fork broke! I ended up just picking the stuff by hand and eating it that way! As I was eating I kept feeling like someone was laughing at me! I just closed my eyes for a minute and I saw my grandmother and aunt looking at me and laughing! I had bbq sauce all over my face! I heard in my mind aunt jeanette say that damn christy aint right! Mamaw said that's my girl I raised her right! There aint no shame in me what so ever! Its just amazes me how the littlest things remind me of them! It just takes time for all broken hearts to be healed and all wounds to heal but the scar is there to stay! My heart is scarred from so many losses that it might not ever heal! Well, blog that's my thoughts for 2nite! I'm headed to find mamaw in my dreams! Watch out uncle paul ur up next! Good nite all!

Need you now!

I've fallen in love with that song that I could just about sing it word for word! It describes how I feel sometimes! I need you as in someone that can so me the way or someone like my husband that I love! Its been one helluva week, awesome weekend with me, corey our babies and the most wonderful view known to man the lake! Awesome! I'd live on a lake somewhere if I could! Not sure I'm ready to give up city life right now! As I'm typing this out that song is playing in my head! Ill post the lyrics now! I'm sure who ever reads this can relate to it in some way!

I need you now by Lady Antabelum

Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now

Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do withoutI just need you now

Woah, woah
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without I just need you now, I just need you now

Oh baby, I need you now


We all have felt this way from time to time! I know I have! Well, as usual I'm blogging as I lay in bed and my thumb is hurting! Good nite blog! I need you now lord!

As I lay in my bed typing this out on my blackberry! I'm in pain from my neck to my toes! Its only getting worse with time! Maybe one day ill be well! Its been a few wks or days since I've posted a blog! I've been doing a lot of thinking! I have a few ppl in my life that if and when I have to quit my job and live at home on disability! That would call, text or even drop by atleast once a wk! These ppl I love dearly and can truly call my best friends! Its not easy making best friends when you've been hurt before! Long story not in mood to go into detail! Its been a crazy couple of wks just with life in general! Work, home, life its all crazy! But as I was told along time ago if first you don't make then pick urself up dust urself off and try again! Its been a great experience! Well blog I've come the conclusion that life is what u make it! I've pondered that saying so many times that its almost like second nature to me! I just don't seemm to quite get why I'm having to deal with ol arthur at 33 yrs old! He's gonna kill me or I'm gonna be legless! Thanks to a good cold beer and a nice draw off that cigarette I'm gonna sleep great tonight! Just a little alcohol never hurt a sole! I keep telling em if I have to go to hell for my ways I'm taking my cooler full of beer! That's all I need to survive the heat! I've already made friends with the devil! But anywho I need to get off here thumb is numb! Good nite! Peace, love and cold beer!

new begining

A much needed relief finally came my way in the best way possible! I couldn't ask for a more pleasant begining than the one I got today! I've wait almost 4 yrs for her to finally realize its to late to turn back the hands of time! I hope she can life the life that she wants without regrets! I'm picking up the pieces and rekindling the flame that still burns for my husband! I couldn't begin to tell u why I cheated on him in the first place especially with that crazy bitch! I truly believe she's been brain washed and led off the deep end with no floaties! But, if she was drowning right in front of me I think I'd have to say I'd keep on going and not stop to help! She's so far gone there's no helping her! I'm not one to be so cold hearted but you have one shot if u shoot me then its over! Thanks to my good friend cheryl that told me to keep away I finally listened! Well, now my only problem is hoping that I don't have to have knee replacement surgery! I feel so bad it hurts so bad that I just want to cut it off! Good nite blog! I'm off to lala land!

no title

Its been quite a journey over these past few months! I've learned many lessons! I've stared the devil in his eyes, I've fell to the deepest place I've ever been! I've been literally in hell! It was a trip I care not to take anymore! I've lost a friend/stepmom, father/asshole and almost my husband! I guess you could really say that I've lost one whole side of my family with the exception of a few from that side! Its ok though because they'll need me before I need them! I guess that time will tell if I forgive and forget what that man did to me and the pain I've caused him and his dear wife! Its been along time coming I just couldn't find the time to do it but when I did I knew what I was losing! I didn't really lose a father because he's never really been a father anyway! To everywife he's ever had he was a father to her kids but to his own he was another deadbeat dad! Its just that's my feelings! Any man that sexually molested their own daugther whether it be 20yrs ago or 2 days ago its still not right! But its ok because when it all came out I felt a sense of relief that I've never felt before! I felt like my body had been healed and really in truly somethings had been healed! But, I'm keeping my head up because my friend cheryl told me one day christy you've lived thru the tough times and you survived don't do anything stupid! So I didn't, I'm a much stronger person because of it! I've learned many things! The ones you call friends may not really be friends! On to the next thing I've started a new chapter in my book of life! Its called "keep it moving!" that's my new motto if your in my life to try to bring me down then keep it moving! If your in my life to ruin my marriage then keep it moving! If your not in my life to share my joy then keep it moving! I'm not going back to where I used to be! I'm not going to stare the devil in the eyes again! Once was enough! Just like I just said I told the devil to keep it moving! I aint got time for your ass in my life! Now that I'm a changed person I've got to learn to kick a few people out my life that might cause me some issues! I've got one pretty much on the same page as me and the other one I just need to tell her to kick rocks and keep it moving! I'm not one to break off a realationship, friendship or anything but I've got to step up and do it! Well, blog my fingers hurt cause as usual I'm in bed typing this out on my phone! Good nite all and peace out!

Cold beer and sunshine

Its been so nice today that I hate I was stuck inside all day at work but I'm off now! Its time for a cold beer and the smell of fresh cut grass makes me think of summer! I'm ready for it to be sunshiny all day everyday and to be warm! Its crazy but it makes me a better person to be nice and toast warm! Makes my beer go down easier 2! But since I can only enjoy the last few hours of sunshine I'm gonna rescue another beer from my fridge and save it from drowning! Have a good day folks!

Do I!

I heard this song when I called someone the other day! They had it set as a ringback tone! It got me to thinking about my marriage a bit! So I asked my husband to listen to the song and tell me what he thought! I've yet to get a response out of him but that's a man right! So here are the lyrics! Tell me if it reminds you of something in your life!
Baby, what are we becoming It feels just like we’re always running
Rolling through the motions everydayI can lean in to hold you, or act like I don’t even know you
Seems like you could care less either way
What happened to that girl I used to know
I just want us back to the way we were before
Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy
Do I have your love, am I still enough Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby Give you everything that you ever wanted Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely Do I just need to give up and get on with my lifeBaby, do I Remember when we didn’t have nothing But a perfect simple kind of loving
Baby those sure were the days There was a time our love ran wild and free
But now I’m second guessing everything thing I see
Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy

Do I have your love, am I still enough Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby

Give you everything that you ever wanted

Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely

Do I just need to give up and get on with my life
Baby, do I Still give you what you need

Still take your breath away Or light up the spark way down deep, baby do I

Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby

Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy

Do I have your love, am I still enough

Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby

Give you everything that you ever wanted

Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely

Do I just need to give up and get on with my life

Tell me baby do I get one more try Do I, baby do I

It reminds me of how I feel at times! Thanks for reading!

its over

I've allowed you back in my life as a friend! Gave you my word that I enjoyed the time we spent together laughing, talking it was great! We had some of the best times taken random photos driving to a place we've never been! It was fun! I spend time with you one day the very next day I'm being called a liar, bitch and other things! I don't understand how you say I love u just know that but refuse to answer my calls, text, emails, offline messages! Its just like u fell off the face of the earth! You want even give me a chance to try to figure out what's going on! You accuse me of stuff that I aint even done let alone I told you who they was 2! You didn't believe me like always! You just keep saying I need time well I need to know what the hell I did to try to either fix it or just say fuck it and keep it moving! I can't sleep, eat or anything! I aint ate much today because I can't! I didn't sleep last nite at all! But I don't love you and u was just a piece of ass! If that doesn't mean something to you then what the hell does! Ugh! I've never felt this way in my life! Its over! I'm moving on! I can't put my life on hold while u play little childish games! I'm too old for games! Ugh!

hmmmm

Sometimes, i do the stupidest things known to man. I don't know why i even put myself thru all this toture but i do. This am i got up and got on facebook as i always do and had a friends request which was a complete surprise at to who it was. It was the girl that drug me thru hell over the past few months. I added her just to make it seem i wasn't ignoring her. i was bored tonight and I guess i really wanted to know if she really cared about me or really ever wanted to be with me. As it turns out she never really loved me nor wanted to be with me. I wasted from september until jan on her ass. How stupid was I then and how stupid was i tonight when i sat down and read all of her status updates on facebook. I really saw the real person that she really is and it just wasn't very pretty. I hope that she will go back thru my status updates and really see how much she fucking hurt me. I doubt it though because im the only stupid one to sit down and read them. I just don't understand how someone can say they love you and want you to be with them and treat you like a fucking dog. Ugh yes im pissed but ive learned a lesson. Im over her and I don't care what she says because its not on me and i don't need to have people like that in my life. You know, i don't need people in my life that is going to bring me down. Ive come to far in a short period of time that im not going back. Ive overcome some of my hardest times and some of my deepest times. Its just like the blink of an eye your world is about to crash and i had to step back and look from the outside in. When i did, i saw that I was about to lose everything that ive ever known. I just don't know. What the fucking hell i was thinking by giving up on the only one that loved me for me and still loves me. I guess that ill just keep on moving up. Talk to you later blog. IM just plain stupid. im a fucking fool.. good night all.

deicated to cheryl

I have a friend named cheryl that's a true friend! One I can call for a pick me up, or she can call me for a pick me up! I've known cheryl for several years we've lost touch but since been reunited! She been someone that's seen me thru one of my lowest points in my life to the greatest points! She's stood beside me not behind me! She never let me fall and never will I let her! She's on a journey to an unknown land! She's been walking the road to lap band surgery! She's a strong woman that I see succeeding in this journey! I never want to see anyone fail! I'm not gonna let her give up hope so easy! I just got a text from sometime not sure when cause my phones been off! I tell her day in a day out that she's not fat! But just like me she has a low selfesteem! I have the I don't give a shits! She has the I know it and I do care! Now I've been big all mylife! She's an amazing woman! She's very pretty just the way she is! She has amazing eyes! I love everything about her! Yes, I'm mesmorizing over a married woman! But, that doesn't mean I want her! I gave up a long time ago on diets, and other things! I decided that if the lord wanted me skinny he would show me the way to be that way! I feel like that the lord is showing cheryl the way to being the person that she wants to be! Now, a friend once told me, christy never give up something that has an end result that u feel is a great one! I'm telling you cheryl! Your not giving up so easily! Your a strong person, get up look in mirror and say damn I look good! Tell urself that daily! Your selfesteem will get better with time! Cheryl, dust ur shoulders off, stand up, dust urself off and take a walk down that road to surgery! Ur not alone, I'm here with you every step of the way! Don't give up or in to anything! Come on girl let's go! Your my inspiration to do the same thing! I'm standing on the sideline cheering you on! Holding a sign that says you can do it! I love you girl! I'm fighting with you! Keep going!

Now, many may know that I'm a fighter that's not going down without a fight! I told missy the same thing! She had a stroke I told her to not give up! I told my friend kim that had a stroke to never give up! As long as I'm around anyone that's trying to give up I'm gonna do my best to push them on! So to whoevers reading this know that I'm not giving up hope on anyone! Not missy, kim, cheryl or myself! I was once told we are all works in progress! My blog is finished!

pain in my side

I've been hurting in my stomach a lot lately! Thursday, the pain was so intense and felt like I've never felt before! I get home and I'm crying cause its hurting so bad! I call corey in house and tell him I have to go to er because this pain is just unbearable! We leave out for er at about 430 and don't leave er until 11pm! Nurse practioner comes in they take me for a ultrasound, the I come back and they tell me I'm going for ct scan! Not ever had either one I was a little nervous! Ultra sound was weird, ct scan was weird! But anyway, ultrasound fine not gall bladder, ct scan fine not gall bladder! But they did find a cyst on my adernal gland! Not sure how longs its been there but doc told me I needed to have it checked out! So I cancelled my much needed trip to the beach to stay at home to go to doctor! To see what's up with this thing! I'm still not totally convinced it aint my gallbladder! But doc is right I guess! Then, I'm getting accused of lieing to people when I aint lied to no one! I'm freak 32 yes old since when did I have to answer to anyone! I mean damn! I don't feel I have to tell anyone anything I'm doing! Thank you! Well blog I've cleared my chest time to get ready for the day! I'm going out with my camara and takin me some random pictures! Sweet!!!!

Since my last blog I'm still floating hopelessly in the firey pits of hell! I'm looking for someone that's a great listener, doesn't tell me how to live my life, doesn't tell me what to do in my life, only gives advice when asked for, never let's my secrets out, never stops believing in me or pushing me to do better! I might be looking for and angel but mayb ill find one soon! I just don't get it, I have tons of friends but none I'd really trust my life with! I love them all dearly but can't say if I told them my true feelings they'd still be standing by me! Its gonna take someone strong enough to carry a big load! I don't have but mayb one person in my life that I feel would listen and just keep on listening! But anyway I'm tired tonight from all my searching that I'm going to bed good night blog!

Depression!

Its been awhile since I wrote in my blog! I guess I've been to preoccupied to do much of anything! I'm finally free of a burden that beens weighing me down for most of my life! I confronted my dad and molesting me as a young girl! I also told quiet a few people about my sexuality! I'm bisexual! I'm free now I can be open and honest with the world! I've never felt like this before! The past several wks I've went to the depths of no return before in my life! I fell to the darkest pits of hell I've ever seen! I can't begin to tell you what I feel other than rage! I've gone thru these past wks with no regrets or regards to what life is like or who I'm hurting! I've stared the devil right in the eyes and told him thank you! I feel like he's got me so wrapped up that I may never find my way out! Just last nite reality hit me about the girl I've been seeing! I thought it was love but really it was the devil taking me for a rough ride thru the firey pits of hell! This girl drug me thru stuff that I've never in my life experienced! Maybe it was gods way of showing what life is like out there if I give up the man I'm married 2! The one that's stuck with me thru it all!!! So I've come to the conclusion that if I don't remove myself from this place I call home for a few days and away from everyone in my life then I might not make it out alive! I had just begun to pick up the pieces of my broken heart from the woman I had been dating for 3 yrs! Its amazing how things happen so quickly that no one knows its happening until its to late! I've always been the one giving out encouaraging words but it took 2 very special people in my life to show me and encouarage me to get away from the devil before its to late! Thanks cheryl and dana! Without you 2 I'm not sure where I'd be! Homeless and heartbroken! I just feel like right now god used you 2 in away to show me! Thanks! Now with all this said, I feel like I'm on the road to recovery just taking one day at a time! I'm getting tired and thumb is about to fall off! Cause I'm typing from phone! Peace, love and happiness!

happy birthday mamaw

On this day back in 1924 a very special lady in my life was born! It doesn't seem right for her to have been gone from us so early in life! Today she would of been 86! I miss her more and more everyday! Its been a life to remember the good, bad and ugly! She never wanted any of us to want for anything! If she had it we had it, if it was hers it was ours! In april of 01 the lord called this angel home! It was her time, she'd done her duty to this great country we live in, she'd raised 9 kids all alone because her husband died in 73! She had a heart of gold and a sense of humor that'd knock ur socks off! I just hope that today she celebrated this day with everyone that's gone before her, and after her! I know she's having a blast! With time our wounds of loss are healed, but never ever forgotten! They leave a lasting memory and one that we will forever cherish! Thanks for the memories!! May you rest in peace my best friend! One I could tell the world to and knew she'd never tell anyone! Good night blog! I miss you mamaw! Tell'em all I said hello!