Hmm

Sitting here thinking and I've drawn to write another blog about my friend! She's wants to be loved so much , but she's looking in all the wrong places! I just hope that one day she will begin to look in the right place and that's her heart! Before you can find love you've gotta get rid of the bad in your life first and then the good will follow! I've told her that a few times but it just seems she's not listening to me! But anyways blog enough about her! 

A few weeks ago or maybe a month ago I posted an ad on craiglist and what responded to me was something that I didn't expect! She seems like that she wants to be a great friend with maybe benefits! Just not sure she's ready to meet! We was suppose to meet just after Christmas but something came up and she had to go to Missouri on the day we was to meet! But you know I know that we all get scared! I just hope that soon we meet cause I'm really ready to see her face to face!! I haven't even heard her voice yet and I can't wait!! But anyways! Then I have this friend out in Arizona that wants to meet me and I'm like dang that's a long ways away lol!! But I have a few friends just not any that likes to text like I do!! I just like texting it's like my phone is a part of me and it'll be a cold day before you get this phone out of my hand lol! Well anyways blog my phone is bout to freaking die so peace!! 

New year

This year is ending better than it started! Sometimes I'm proud but sometimes I'm not!  I'm happy with my marriage, but something is missing still! I know what it is just finding it! I've tried but come up empty handed! I miss having that girl on the side! I miss missy, most of all I miss Natasha she made me feel like I was wanted like missy did! I've got a friend that I'm talking too and I really think once our schedules aline then, we will be great friends and maybe more! I just need that touch of a woman!! I need that occasional encounter with a female that I just can't get with Corey! Life is just crazy! One day I'll be happy and when that day comes!! I just hope it's soon! I miss having that friend that I need!! But new year and a new day or a new life! Just hope that my friend works out!! I really like her!! Well blog ill keep you posted!  

Haven't felt up to blogging

It's been a while and sometimes when I think about it something happens and I just forget to write! I used this blog to vent so much that I guess I don't have anything to vent about! But a few days ago I've had an anniversary and a birthday! It's been a good few weeks! But I leave Saturday to go on a family vacation with Corey's family! Whew hope I'm up to this! Good night all just tired tonight 

RIP Bella

On 11/12/12 I took my baby girl to the vet because she wasn't eating and she was swollen in her belly area! She started phanting really bad when I got her to the vet! They took her to weigh her and when they did they had to put her on oxygen cause she was in potential heart failure! They told me that to get her stable to see what was causing her to retain the fluid! I called Corey and told him he ask me to ask them to call him back! The vet called him back told him everything that was going on! He came back in and told me that Corey was gonna call me back! I asked him to come up to the vet with me! I walked back in to the room and the vet met and said that she's not gonna make it I said go ahead and just put her down! The nurse came in and told me to sign the paper to authorize them to put her down! Before I could get the paper signed she passed on her own! I thought when we lost boomer it was bad but losing her really hurt more! My two sweet babies have now gone one without me! I know that boomer met her with his tail wagging and jumping all over the place! They are reunited 2 yrs later! I know she's not in pain anymore and she's running around the rainbow bridge!! I miss her! But just before sweet Bella passed The Lord blessed us with another little girl! Sofie, came from a family friend who couldn't take care of her cause she got really sick! Sofie, is a sweet little pug mix and I think she's a puggle which is pug-beagle mix! She's a little wild at times but she's a sweetie at times too! I can't think of the things that would of made my life any sweeter than having two sweet babies, along with Harley and sweet Sofie now! Harley is Jody's little sweet baby that we inherited cause Jody couldn't take care of him! Then you know how Sofie came from! You know I don't mind not having kids cause I've been able to rescue some sweet animals from the shelter! I love them all! I'll add a few pictures of them all! I just miss her and boomer dearly! Enjoy!! 

Long time ago

I started this blog as a way to vent my frustration with the world! Not very many ppl read it and not very many should cause I spare no ones feelings I speak my mind and from my heart most of the time! I've decided that something's are better left alone and something's are better left unspoken! It seems odd to me that we used to talk daily and then all of a sudden you just quit talking to me! Hmm maybe it's something I said or did I don't know and right now I don't really care cause your not really a friend if you only talk to me once every 3 months! I mean we talked every day and some days we hung out together but I guess there's other fish to fry and other fish in the sea! It's time now for me to delete you from my phone and when that's done I've official deleted you out of my life! Maybe one day we will meet again but until then hope you enjoy your life and remember you did once have a friend in me but now you have nothing in me! So long to you! 

Life is about making hard choices, living on the edge and sometimes flirting when your drunk! Yelp that's what I did tonight and whew I almost had her but I guess it's best to be friends and not ruin what friendship we do have! A year ago a person walked in my life looking for an experience and got scared and ya know we've formed the best friendship any girl could ask for! Although tonight I almost broke that friendship and almost became her experience! Whew proud I ran out of drink before that unfolded cause a friendship is more important than a one time fling! Well it's time to go to bed my body hurts and I really wanna just sleep! Good night world! Peace!

Where oh where to begin...

Days go by that I think you know I wish I could do this or that! But one thing that I really wish I could do is talk to my grandmother one last time! Just listen to her sweet voice tell me she loves me and let her just talk about what ever! I've been talking to her a lot I know she hears but I want to hear her! As the days get shorter and the nights longer I find myself looking at the sky for an answer! But I don't see one! One day I will!! 

I've been searching for a "friend" just ain't seem to found her yet! I guess it's just not meant to be which is good in a way and bad in a way too! I want someone that I can hang out with and go places with without Corey thinking something is going on! He swears that I've got someone on the side when I don't! I ain't been with anyone since back the beginning of the summer! I just don't really care about the sex part it's other things I want this person for like just holding me, cuddling, laughing, listening to me bitch and just being a friend! I mean I have lots of friends but I need more than just that, I need someone that understands when I need to complain and understands my complaint and just doesn't say oh I know or i understand cause really unless you live in my shoes then you really don't understand! But anyways if your reading this and think you know someone or you are that someone then please let me know! Cause I need a hug right now and no one to hug me! Anyways blog I'm gonna cut this one off right here! Forever and always Peace!

What if...

I stopped for one day and walked away from my phone, Facebook and just watched tv or laid in bed and read! Do I think I could no because this phone is my life! Some days it brings me joy, sorrow and pain! Other times I don't know why it's my life! Today I went to a funeral for a man that I didn't even know but you know I knew his wife and one of his kids! It's the little things in life that sometimes we most stop and appreciate more and more! Never have I ever thought about it as a end to one thing! But you know as its been said life is short and when The Lord says its your time to go you will go! When he's ready for you! But until then you know you might as well continue to try to live on your own and do what you feel is right! I hope that I've walked the way The Lord wants but I know I haven't always! But you know we all sometimes back slide! Enough of that! 

The grass is dying slowly on the other side of the fence because I've realized that my husband has stood by me when I needed him and has tried to help me anyway he can! And that I truly need to stand by him! I do love this man and wish that I had more to offer! But I don't! Anyways I'm headed to bed! Peace 

Start to blog again!

The 1st pic is looking out of our balcony, 2nd is some tanned guys I thought was fine, 3rd is sun setting from our balcony, 4th is the front of our condo, 5th Corey with the fish they caught, 6th toes in the sand, and last is me the last night we was there on the deck on crab trap restaurant

There comes a time in your life you gotta walk away from things that make you feel less than you are! I'm really to begin to worry that I might be stuck here in this place with no way to escape! Just as its been said others before me has laid down the way I must follow! I guess that sometimes it's just that they need to understand there way isn't always perfect! But anyways enough about that! I just got back from an amazing beach getaway! Yes me and Corey went to the beach for a week and the time there was amazing! Just the views, the food, the ocean, the waves you name it and it was awesome! Sometimes I think I could live there but others I think naw your better off where you are! I mean its pretty, and nice to visit but tupelo is my home! It's always gonna be my home! 

Corey went deep sea fishing it's something that I'd always wanted to do but there's no way my body is up for that type of labor! He said it was hard work! But he had fun I'm proud that he got to go! I did all the driving down there, and while we was there, and back! It doesn't upset me but it does cause he gets to sleep, read and what ever! It pisses me off that I'd planned a nice night for us! Even went and bought a sheet before we left just for this night! Cause the one I wanted to take had a stain on it! Well that night never happened! He got all pissy and I went to bed crying! That night I had night mares again and they had slacked up for a long time! I guess us fighting brought them back! I'm taking my meds right so that could be the solution too! But anyways, life must go on! Well, I learned something new today that missy thought I was jealous or upset with her on Saturday morning cause she was going with Michelle! Well, I set her straight cause that wasn't it at all! I had no reason to be upset! I told missy today that I'm looking for a female for one time a month! Lol the week I'm on my period! So she can console me, hold me and comfort me! That's the only time I really think about wanting someone! I think cause Corey's just not a compassionate person, nor does he know how to show it! He's so self centered that he don't know which way is up half the time! Well, blog I'm Gonna close this blog with some pictures! They will be on top! 

Salt life!!

I'm loving staying in Destin! It's the most beautifulness place I've been in a very long time! Ive enjoyed going to the beach every day just about except yesterday when we rained all day! Tomorrow Corey's going deep sea fishing id love to go but my body just not strong enough! I'm gonna miss him while he's gone but I'm gonna go sit on the beach and read my book! Hope I get a little sun on my legs and arms! I need it! Life here is so laid back and relaxed that I truly believe I could live here year round! One day I'll have a vacation home here that I can go to when ever I want! It's so calm and peaceful here that I wish it was my home now! Weve been swimming every day but yesterday! Yesterday was a lazy, boring day! We went to oklossa island and walked around a antique store, then we ate lunch at whata burger and then went to seafood market and got some fresh shrimp came back to room cooked it! It was amazing! Today, was a lazy morning then we ate at firehouse subs, then checked on a fishing charter, booked it, returned something's to bass pro, then we came back to room and Corey cooked the rest of the shrimp and omg it was amazing again tonight! So now I'm laying in bed writing this blog and about to go to bed! Well, good night all! Peace from the Beach!!

From destin, fl

I arrived here this am with lots on my mind and lots to think about while I'm here! As I sit here writing this blog from the balcony on the 14th floor I hear the waves crashing on the shore! It's so peaceful and delightful to be here! As I think about things and how things are an what things I might need to change in my life I wish my grandmother was here cause I sure could ask her a couple of things! Life's too short and I just need someone to tell me to slow down! I think I said something to upset missy an I hope I didnt! I wish I had a girl to call my own! I have Lisa but its a long distant relationship and I'm not so sure she's that into me! I wish she was but I don't think she is! I still love missy and would do anything right now to be with her! She made me happy, she's been there when others ran! She's my beat friend! But she's not interested in nothing like that! I guess it just she's content being single no one can hurt her then! And no one can break her heart! But anyways I must get off he now cause the battery on my phone is honna die soon! Peace y'all from beautiful sandestin resort!!

From destin, fl

I arrived here this am with lots on my mind and lots to think about while I'm here! As I sit here writing this blog from the balcony on the 14th floor I hear the waves crashing on the shore! It's so peaceful and delightful to be here! As I think about things and how things are an what things I might need to change in my life I wish my grandmother was here cause I sure could ask her a couple of things! Life's too short and I just need someone to tell me to slow down! I think I said something to upset missy an I hope I didnt! I wish I had a girl to call my own! I have Lisa but its a long distant relationship and I'm not so sure she's that into me! I wish she was but I don't think she is! I still love missy and would do anything right now to be with her! She made me happy, she's been there when others ran! She's my beat friend! But she's not interested in nothing like that! I guess it just she's content being single no one can hurt her then! And no one can break her heart! But anyways I must get off he now cause the battery on my phone is honna die soon! Peace y'all from beautiful sandestin resort!!

Been awhile

The more days that pass the long it seems that I'll get to see you again!! I've been so torn apart lately, I got one friend that just started texting me the other day! She'd been away for a while, then Natasha is moving to the coast to be with her girlfriend, Missy's wanting me to come see her, Lisa wants me to come see her! I feel like sometimes I wish there was more of me!! I still love missy, I guess I always will love her! But before her was a girl named Christie, truth be known I would of given up everything for her, but she wasn't ready for a commitment from me! She's had a rough life and just got out of prison about 4 months ago! If I wasn't trying to work on this marriage I'd been up and gone to Jackson to start my life with her! I do love her but it's not nothing more than friendly love right now! I'm sure it could be more! Natasha I'm do proud of her! I wish that things would of worked out for us but it didn't and everything happens for a reason! She's happy and things are looking up and I couldn't ask for a better thing! Lisa, there could be a lot more with her but I believe she's afraid of long distance love! But you know maybes that's a good thing! I guess at times I wish I had that love that me and missy shared again with her cause I truly believe that I could see myself with her until my dying days! No we aren't together now and may never be together again! She's not even interested in me like that! So it's just a thought! But I love all these women and I know they all love me in there own little way! I wish all them the best of luck and hope they all find happiness one day! It's been a long time since I've truly been the happiest person I want to be! 2007 I lost that happiness but that's just me! Anyways I'll blog again soon! Maybe from the beach hehe! Love the beach!

....if.....

About 2 years ago I had to remove this ring from my finger because my RA had taken its toll on my poor fingers the day I had to take this ring off it about killed me, since that day I've been trying to save this marriage! I got tired of not wearing it so I went and had it stretched a little, then we sent my engagement ring and Corey's wedding band that he's never wore off to be sized! I'm really hoping he wears it and wears it proudly, I mean it makes me sad to know that he want wear it! But before I understood why cause he did a lot of manual labor and now he's more of an office person! I guess I feel a sense of closeness with us both wearing them! As I lay here tonight thinking back over how far we've coming in just over nine years, it seems like we shouldn't be together but we've stuck it out and we've tried hard to make this thing work! Life has its way of testing you and getting you to the breaking point and holding on by a thread! It's hard at times but at times it's worth all the trials and snares we've went thru! One thing that I can say honestly is that I've given this marriage my all! It's been a fight but as my grandmother taught me you don't back down, you keep getting up for more and you keep trying harder! That's what I've done and that's what I'll continue to do! Good night blog peace!!!

Been a while

Not really much going on so I guess I don't have much to say! Other than someone asking me something when they knew the answer then got mad when I told them the answer! But you know sometimes the truth hurts! I wish I could find someone to hold me and snuggle with me with nothing in return but a little nap! No sex involved at first! I just want to be held, I can't find that person and that really hurts too cause I guess I put feelings into it when I shouldn't! I've fought back feelings for someone and now I see that it's best I keep fighting them back cause that person really ain't ever gonna leave her husband and be With me! So I've decided that I really do love my husband and I guess I better try to make this thing work! Although I've tried so many times before and now it just seems like that I can see where my trying has helped in any way! Ugh! Well blog my eyes are heavy ill type more later!

Rainy days

I miss my grandmother more on rainy days than any other time, I feel her presence more than any other times! She's watching over me daily I know but days like this I remember sittin in the hall way, and all the doors are shut because she didn't want the glass hurting us if it got really bad! She'd hold us as we cried when the storms got loud! She'd always say its gonna blow over soon and sure enough must of the time it blow over quick and she's always right! I love her like I did the last time I saw her alive! I wish I could sit beside her bed and just talk to her one more time! One more hug, one more kiss, one more spoken word, one more moment in her life! I just feel like I'd feel better for one more moment! If only heaven had a phone, a road or free passes! I know there's not but one day I'll see her again! I still smell her old ppl smell, I still remember the last thing she said to me!! "christy im ready to go home!" I said, "Mamaw close your sweet little eyes, and ask the lord to take you!" a day later we got the call at 630 am that she took her final breathe in her sleep! The end to 2 yrs of suffering, was finally over! The end to the pain that she felt daily was over and the beginning of the griefing process for us began! She'd never want us to grief but that's part of living! Little did I know soon after that I would watch her only brother pass away! I was in the room when he took one of his final breathes! Little did I know 8 yrs later my other grandmother or like grandmother would finally enter in to heaven, to be greeted my the angels! She's flying high on the wings of the angels, shes seen my grandmother and I'm sure theyve shared many stories of me!! Sad stories, funny stories, and I know the both are with me daily! But my pain in my heart is felt daily and will be felt until I'm reunited with them again! Lord, knows the pain I'm in, he sees my hurt but he's also made me the woman I am today! He's made me this strong person I am! Thanks to the lord and my two favorite women that taught me how to love and how to live!! The end!!

When enough is enough

Sex, the three letter word that every man wants on a daily basis, they get it one time it's like a ticking bomb waiting to explode! It's like they gotta have it or they can't function! Well I've had enough, tonight was enough! I'm ready to tell him to go find a woman, to fuck all he wants, maybe then he'll leave me the fuck alone! I just get tired of hearing it day in and day out! I don't think any woman wants to hear about sex daily! Ugh! 

Next thing is I'm bout ready to say fuck it all and blow up! I'm tired of the same people coming to me and asking me things and helping them they there problems but when it comes time for me to need them or want them to be there for me hell they done fell off the face of the earth! It's like they all run when they see me coming! Hell, of you don't like me just tell me damn! Don't get my hopes up then be like excuse after excuse! Ugh it just pisses me off! Well blog that's all! Peace

No words

Its been several days since I've wrote a blog, guess that I don't have very much to say! I'm a little lost and confused but I know this shall pass! Just not sure about somethings! I think I need a little get away from the world! I need to be away from everything for a little while! Just time away and think about things! I guess since my moms little episode I've not had much to do or just ain't wanted to do much! I really wish she understood better but she probably never will! Just in need of some mother daughter time that Ive never gotten and probably never will! But that's just life I guess! Ugh! I'm missing someone but I'm sure they don't miss me! Anyways, good night blog just not in the mood to write!! 

At times the words that form in my mind don't come out right on paper! I feel so lost, I feel so helpless, I'm down and not sure why! I guess I miss the times when I had a life that others wished they had! I'm bored sitting at home day in and day out, I just get tired of sitting here and not having nothing more to make me wanna get up, I just wanna say fuck and walk away! Ugh! 

Blog, I just feel like others don't wanna be around me, I met a really cute girl and she's not even spoke to me since, I mean damn if I'm that ugly or that your not in to me just tell me! I want be mad but for a min but these women just don't even speak to me ever again! I just don't get it! Well blog it's over I'm not looking anymore they will find me! Peace!!

Sometimes I wonder....

Does the world ever slow down? Do we all take life for granted? Does anyone care that I haven't blogged lately? I guess my mind wonders to these far off places, that most people wouldn't care a thing in the world about! I guess it's just me at times I wish I didn't think at all! That I didn't care about things or ppl like I do! Sometimes I just wished I was able to go to sleep and not wake up! Yes I've thought it before! Well life is busy and we all have to slow down sometimes!! Well blog this is it for a while! 

Hmm

Well, last night hurt me so bad that I just wanted to end it all!! I just wanted to say fucked and be like its over! But today was a little better, had lunch with my friend and she cheered me up!! Thanks Stephanie!! Then, I wrote my mom a letter! Yes I sat down and wrote her a letter, I felt she needed to see how much pain I was in!! She needed to hear it first hand how much it hurts! I guess that I need to tell her that I'm so hurt!! I hope that she will see that's shes hurt me! I'm just really ready to say to hell with it!! But I'm a little better!! Just gotta let go! Peace!

Hmm

Well, last night hurt me so bad that I just wanted to end it all!! I just wanted to say fucked and be like its over! But today was a little better, had lunch with my friend and she cheered me up!! Thanks Stephanie!! Then, I wrote my mom a letter! Yes I sat down and wrote her a letter, I felt she needed to see how much pain I was in!! She needed to hear it first hand how much it hurts! I guess that I need to tell her that I'm so hurt!! I hope that she will see that's shes hurt me! I'm just really ready to say to hell with it!! But I'm a little better!! Just gotta let go! Peace!

Feelings!

I've let you walk across my heart for the last time! Tonight was the finally straw that broke the camels back, yes your my mother but as far as I'm concerened your dead! I asked you 2 days ago to take a few days off and go with me to Atlanta to see the braves play and you told me you didn't have the time to take off! Tonight you call me and tell me your going to Atlanta tomorrow and you even asked me how to get to 78! That means your coming thru tupelo! Was I asked to go, no why because you already told my sister, her friend and my cousin you'd pay for all of it! Yes your a fucking asshole! I wish that I could tell you just how I feel but I can't! Do you not understand why I don't come to see you often? Do you not understand when I ask for some mother daughter time just us and you always say heather wants to go! Fuck can I not have time with my mother? What is so fucking wrong with me that you hate me so fucking much that you don't want to spend a few mins with me! I just don't get it! I'm ready to say fuck you and just walk away and never look back!! I can't deal with you cause I'm too weak and you know it just pisses me off more that you go out of your fucking way to do for my sister but push me away and push me down! You bragged about things to me, what I'd I fucking bragged about everything I did to you! You know from now on I care not to see you ever again! You can have my sister and brother! I'm done!! I'm over! Peace

Been awhile

The more I think about you the more my memories flood my brain of the happy times the times I thought I couldn't live with out you, but also all the times that you told me you loved me, but it seems that you've moved on with out even looking back!! You've moved on and didn't once think about all the times we had! It hurts to see you with someone else to see you so in love, but I'm learning to move on and it seems that the ones I like just don't like me! I'm so tired of trying and no one cares enough to say hey I can't see you no more cause your such and such! I mean damn just tell me! It'll only hurt for a little while!! But anyways, life must go on and life must continue this up hill climb that it's on! Good night peace!

Well...

As the days continue to be dim and my night continue to be spent hoping I've learned something that I'm proud to say the other person cared more about my feelings than I did! I was living a little loosely and my friend reeled me in for that I'm thank full! I couldn't think her enough but I'm not gonna say that it doesn't hurt cause it does! It hurts cause I still love her and would do what ever to be with her but tonight I realized that she knew better than me! I've given up the fighting feeling and the hope of another day! It's gone, I'm done! I've official over it! 

Sometimes it takes me seeing it and hearing it and I guess it almost slapping me in the face for me to realize that I might mean well in my mind but in reality Its not for the best! Today I should say being that is 12:36am I'm going to see Lisa and I'm gonna have a long talk with her! I'm at a point in my life I need security, I need the knowing that something might happen soon! I don't need the well I don't know, maybe, or maybe nots anymore! So, I hope that things are ok soon! 

Last thing blog that's been on my mind is that if I don't get some relief soon I'm gonna end up not where anyone wants me to be! Either mental hospital or grave! I need away from this place, away from this thing called home! It's sad that I feel I need to go away to just be happy! I'm trapped and if I don't get out soon it's not gonna be safe! Anyways, good night blog! Until we meet again!

Disappointed

My friend told me she wanted to see me on several occasions and it just seems that every chance we get something always comes up! I know it's hard when your trying to not get caught by your sneaky husband, but times you need to learn to tell him to leave you alone! Yes I told her I was heartbroken cause I've waited so long on something that's never gonna happen I guess! I guess I'll just kick a few rocks and keep going, then comes my other friend that's going thru a difficult time and is confused but I try to tell her that I'd be willing to show her the things she needs but she told me that she didn't want to hurt me again but little does she know until she reads this blog she already did! I was willing to share her with her gf and show her the affection, attention she needs cause the very same thing I need at this very moment! It's ok cause I do still love her and yes I probably would of been hurt worse than now maybe tonight just wasnt a good night! Maybe today was just a bad day! Maybe I was wearing my heart on my sleeve when I should of just kept inside my shirt, maybe I'll learn one day that it's meant to be worn inside and not out side!! Anyways, I must try to sleep, maybe I'll have a dream about someone else! Not sure who but someone! Anyways Natasha I do love you and thank you for thinking of me enough to not take my hints and to not let me fall deeper in love and get hurt worse! To the other person mentioned in this blog that doesn't have a clue this site exist your day will come that you get your hopes up and nothing happens as planned! Pay backs are hell! So sorry!! Anyways peace! 

Waiting on daylight!

These nights get longer every day, the days seem like they are longer too! The hours that pass are killing me, but the moment I see you Itll be like no one else is around! iWeb the morning comes I hope that you've rested and your able to see the new day! This past month has been long but the days are closer til I see you again, I miss you and love you but I'm not sure if you do the same! It's been tough but I've gotta keep going, can't wait for the right moment, cause how do I know when the right moment will be? I don't! Enough about that! 

I've been a relationship advice giver the past few days, I don't know all the answers, I don't know what to say, but I do know how they feel and how much it hurts! I guess I'm just a good person to forgive easily and forget quickly! Maybe one day I'll be a little harder and not be so easy but right now they need a friend to help them thru a tough time! Ones breaking up and the other is not sure how she's gonna tell the one that walked out on her she's not sure she's interested! But I guess we all deserve a second chance and we all should try one more time! I might not be good enough for either of these friends that I've given advice too but one promise I made them both was I'd always be there friend! My other promise to them was to be there for them to lean on, and be a shoulder to cry on, and be the friend that I promises them I'd be! No one deserves to be hurt, no one deserves to be upset, no one deserves to be beat down! We all need that someone that's willing to push you when you need it, hug you when you need it, hold your hand and tell you it's gonna be ok! A true friend will stand beside, in front of you to shield you, behind you to push you but never will a true friend tell you to walk it alone! They will be there for support, to cheer you on and to wait for you in the end! Why do you thing friend ends with end cause a true friend will be there til the END!! 

Life isn't easy, nor is it fair, never will it be fairly easy, life is short but one thing for sure you hold the power in your hands to make your life full of happiness, and to make it complete! The choices you make today will have regrets tomorrow, but the regrets tomorrow will help you make the right choice the next day, never look at something as a bad thing because if you do then it will be a bad thing! Always hold your head high, and remember someone paved the path you walk with many trials and many tries! You too can make it, just gotta keep trying! Never say you can't because can't starts with CAN just like friend ends with END! You CAN be here until the END! I love you All!! Until next time! PEace!

Hmm

"I think you still love me, but we can't escape the fact that I'm not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I'm not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I'm not angry, either. I should be, but I'm not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong." 

These words have filled my mind a thousand times but I couldnt quite get the words in order to make the sound right! But I found it tonight and omg I cried as I read it!! Memories filled my heart and dried my tears, but the scars are still deep! Well just wanted to share blog!! 

Hmm

"I think you still love me, but we can't escape the fact that I'm not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I'm not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I'm not angry, either. I should be, but I'm not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong." 

These words have filled my mind a thousand times but I couldnt quite get the words in order to make the sound right! But I found it tonight and omg I cried as I read it!! Memories filled my heart and dried my tears, but the scars are still deep! Well just wanted to share blog!! 

Wasting my time

Ive been wasting my time on something that's never gonna happen, I've given up hope and I'm moving on, it's time to take what's left and move forward! I guess that the time I wasted was worth one thing a whole lot of nothing, it's been a fun ride but as every ride at some point in time it must come to a stop! I've given this one too much of my time and too much of my life! So from this moment on I shall leave to the others as I care not to waste anymore time! Ugh frustrated and I'll but I'll live peace

Damn it's hot!!

Yes it's summer time in the good ol Mississippi!! I wish I had a pool or lived close to the beach cause then I might not complain about how hot it is, cause the ocean is calming and the San between your toes is amazing!! I was coming home from taking my friend to work and a song came on the radio that reminded me of times when my grandmother was living, times we shared and times that would always bring joy to my eyes and heart!! I wish I could remember how the song went but I was so caught up in memories that I didn't really pay attention to the song, at times I pull out a picture of her and look at it, just because I know I've got a special angel looking down on me!! One that knows me like she's knows the back of her hand!! Sometimes I sit and listen to songs that remind me of things in that might of happened in my life at some point!! The lyrics to one song I told to someone just today and that song is "You are not alone" by Micheal Jackson! If you ever sit and listen to those words they have lots of meaning, they show a lot of feeling and they will remind you of something or someone! It always does me! Not only one person but it reminds me of a lot of people! But I guess that it has more meaning than some songs I've related too! It's on the list of go rest high on the mountain, songs that I can't listen too with out shedding a few tears! But today over all was a good day, did some computer junking and talked to several friends, helped one friend figure out her husband was really a loser and she needed to sign the divorce papers that's she's been holding on too just for hope I guess! I really not sure why but then I told another friend how I felt about her and I guess she got the hint! Ya I mean ya know don't call me or text me only when something is going on damn it call or text me all the time! Fuck being a fair weather friend, I ain't got time for that, told another friend that she got a taste then got scared and oh that didn't set too well I guess today was just down ppl day lol! It's all good, life will reset itself and things will be alright or if they ain't then you wasn't a good friend anyways! Well blog I guess I better get my azz in bed, cause I told margie i might come see her tomorrow, so I guess I better sleep while I can! Peace!! 

Searching

Im searching for the one thing that can make me really happy, the one person that will love me like they've never loved before, the one something that will for fill my life with happiness and respect, honor and diginity and hope! I had it one time but let it slip thru my fingers, now all that's left is broken promises and endless friendship! More than I can say for other things, more than I can say for some people! If I ever get the chance again, it want slip thru my fingers this time! They say time heals all wounds, heals broken hearts, heals most anything but one thing it doesn't heal is the scar that's left behind! The scar that I look at daily and say why oh why did this happen to me! The scar that's there to remind me of where I've been, what I did and the scar that reminds me of my days gone by! The emptiness inside of me is overwhelming at times that I feel like I'm gonna drown soon, the feeling of being alone, the feeling of not knowing what to expect from anyone or anything! The loniness that feels my heart when I cry out for someone to love me! I look at the scar and I see why I'm empty, why I'm alone, I'm just too good to be true! I can't love someone else when I don't love myself! I say I love you and I mean I do love you but there's something deep inside of me that says the love isn't true cause I feel I may never be with you fully, I may never have you all to myself, life will never be complete until I find the missing piece of me! I thought I did 10 yrs ago but it's not the right fit, I thought I had 5 yrs ago but it wasn't right either, over a yr ago I thought that was the missing piece but that wasn't the right fit either, I now think I've found the right one but something's telling me it's not right either, so where is the missing link to this puzzle, will I find it before its too late, will I have a chance to see it before its too late, will I ever find the right fit for me that's missing? Only time will tell! To all reading this blog I'm sorry if I ramble on about nothing but all the words on this page is what's rolling in my head! Peace

Sometimes

I wonder what it would be like to just get in my truck and drive, not stopping but to pee, fill up and sleep! Maybe sleep, I'm just a little lonely as I always am! I got only a few friends that I talk to no one to actually hang out with that's here in tupelo! I mean I have one friend but Dana works all the time and she ain't got time for me, I just don't got anyone else! Yes I'm lonely and bored and my mind is going a thousand different ways and I just wish I didn't feel so alone in this big ol world! I wish I had a girl to call my own and her call me her own but I don't! I wish I had someone to hold me and not want just sex I mean I need some attention not just sex! But that's all he wants, fuck that I need affection, I need love and attention! Anyways I guess I'll just close this blog and say fuck it!! To hell with it all peace

If you only knew.......

What I feel down deep inside, what I want more than anything else, where I'd love to be and what truly makes me smile! Would you still be here, would you try your best to make what I want happen, would you go to the place id love to be, and would you do what makes me smile? Ponder those questions and I'm sure the answers that your gonna give are gonna be something like this! I'd be right there with you doing all things that make you happy! Down deep inside of me is a person fighting to get out daily, she pushes and shoves, and doesn't make it but a few steps daily before I slowly push her back deep down inside of me, why you might ask because the girl inside of me isn't socially accepted and I'm sure I'd lose the few friends I do have and I'd lose the few family members that's left that love me, and as ive said I wouldn't be accepted! Fear of rejection out weights everything that I've ever longed for! Fear of retalliation against me is something that I hold high, and fear of losing my family is even higher! 

Today I had my infusion and there was a woman in there that was so sick from cancer that she gave me the motivation to keep going! She was about 85 yrs old but said young lady don't let this get you down cause I'm still driving myself around and I'm still kicking you can too!!  It made me think about the times I about gave up hope but one thing it did was give the girl inside of me a little confidence to keep pushing me to let her out! So I ask myself what do you do? And I told myself that happiness is what I want and happiness is what I need and I am somebody and the somebody I'm with doesn't want me to be somebody so I've decided that I work on slowly allowing this person deep inside of me to come out! It's that time that I find who I really am!! Good night blog! Peace!

Words

I saw something today that said Watch the words you speak because once they are spoken they can never be forgotten but only forgiven! That's so true and it's true in a lot of ways! Blog this one is short cause I'm sleepy! But anyways never speak something you don't mean! Only speak what you feel!! Peace

Thinking

As I lay here thinking over my day I've realized that I'm not the person I betray to be on the outside! I'm not this strong person that people think I am!! Behind these big brown eyes is tears, pain, anxiety and hurtfulness!! The tears only show when I allow them, the pain is inevitable, the anxiety is overwhelming at times, and the hurtfulness is breath taking! Tears are like rain drops once they are shed or allowed to fall then there's no getting them back, there's no way to bottle them up and say hey hold this for another day!! Just like rain you can't stop it for and start it on a day you might need it more!! The pain is deep that creeps up every so often to say hey I'm still here, it's there whether we believe it's there or not!! It's there and it will take you by surprise!! The anxiety of waiting for something or finding out something or just meeting someone new or just anxiety of going out in public, hurtfulness is the hurt that's felt daily by something either not going right, someone saying something, or just the fact that you've been hurt before! It shows its head when you least expect it and it causes you to hurt others when you really didn't mean too!! The pain of hurting others can be so overwhelming that you feel the need to take your own life! But little do you know they will hurt worse when you do leave this world than when you stand beside them! Last few days a good friend of mine has been going thru some hard times and she's ask my advice several times and I've tried to steer her in the right direction I'm not really sure I have or not but I've given it my best shot! Tonight she texted me and the trouble she was having isn't resolved and really it's only gotten a little worse but coming from me and having been where she is I knew what to say and I hope that those words I spoke will be true in a few hours when I wake! Relationships whether man/woman, woman/ woman or man/man all have trails, tribulations and a few fights! No relationship is perfect and no one is right! With this situation one said something to the other that really hurt and I know it hurt cause I've been on both sides of this situation! The only way to fix the problem is ask questions the first one is what do you want out of this relationship from this point forward! The other party will answer one of 2 ways! 1: I want us to work past this and continue on our life's as one and let our love be the best form of healing! (something like that) 2: I want out of this situation and I never want to see or talk to you again! ( or something along those lines)! If #1 is the answer then they'll hug, kiss and leave there happy, of #2 is the answer they might hug, kiss and I'm sure both will leave upset, crying and do forth! Heartache or heartbreak isn't easy to deal with! It takes time to heal, it takes patients and it takes a few good crys! But once you get past being mad at the other person, then you'll begin the healing process! Never has it been said leaving a relationship would be easy! But you must leave it knowing you gave it your all! If something happens to Corey and I! I know for a fact I gave my all to try and save it! I gave 110% and nothing less! If anyone I know says less ill slap the wholly fuck out of them!! Including him or his family! Life is full of choices and with those choices comes regrets, and with that regret comes hurt and with that hurt comes anger and with anger comes pain! Then once all those things have past your able too look back and say damn I made it one more time!! To those reading this blog, it took a long time for me to finally realize that the person you see isn't the person on the inside fighting to get out! I've held on too long to give up now and to all reading this your just as strong as you allow yourself to be! If you tell your self your weak then you'll be weak but if you go into every situation thinking you know the outcome already then your always gonna lose the fight! Remember no one is perfect and no one is right! But don't allow others to push avid shove you with out fighting for what's right! Peace!! 

Confused

As I lay here confused at what I should do and confused at what's been said to me! I wish I knew what my heart really wanted, I wish I knew what was holding me here! If only I really knew what I wanted out of this damn life! I've got really good friends but I still feel alone in this big ol world! I feel like nothing makes me happy, nothing gives me the peace of mind I want but one thing!! That's something that's got me so confused! Affection, attention and love! I get all those when I see someone but can I go one like this once a month thing! Can I keep going not knowing if she'll ever leave her husband and can I still walk this walk! I want this but I'm not sure I'm ready! Long distance relationships are hard, it's getting harder daily to not see her! How will I ever be able to be with her? I feel like that Ive fallen in love but how does it justify the time apart! I just don't understand! I guess I feel free with her!! I got a friend that's been having a tough couple of days and I've tried to be the good friend that I think I am! But I don't know if that really helped her or confused her too! I still love her and always will! That's never gonna change, that's never gonna stop me from loving her! I wish her the best with her gf and hope that things work out great for them two!! Life's full of what ifs and why didn't I's! If she'd given me a half chance I'd be with her today! But when Corey and I split I think it freaked her out and she didn't really know what to do!! So she did what she thought was right and that was leave me cold turkey! Yes it hurt, yes I hurt her by something's I said but it doesn't erase the love I had then and still have today for her! I just want her happy! I want her to be happy with who ever she's with!! Same goes for missy I've always wanted her happy!! That's my ultimate goal is to make sure they are happy! That makes me happy!! I guess I should be happy with that!! Yea I am but I still love them both! Well blog I've cleared my mind let me try to sleep now!! Good night world! Peace!!

As I lay here thinking about my days this week! Wednesday was great got to hang out with Lisa and becky!! That was awesome, then I keep thinking just why doesn't this one person want to see me! I keep telling myself it's because of our past! But then I don't know! I feel like its probably a good thing we don't see each other cause of the past that we had!! I hope that one say though all that will be past us and we can have a little lunch date so to speak! Just catch up on life and things that's been going on around us!! Hope that everything works out for this person!! Hope that things truly begin to look up for her! Thanks for the memories that play thru my head daily!! They are great memories!! Peace until next time!!!!

What do I call this blog hmm

As I lay here like usual wide awake like usual! I was reading over a few text that I got tonight and one said bestie, you know you told me I was as strong as I wanted to be so I've decided to step up and be a woman and be as strong as you! That made me smile! Cause someone looks up to me and my strenght to get me thru somethings!! Then I deleted it and next was a text saying the person wasn't as strong as me and didn't know if they'd make it or not!! I said don't make me drive over there and whip your ass hold your head up!! Well the reply to that was yea ok!! Lol well it takes a lot to be me! I'm just a down to earth country girl that knows what it feels like to fall in love, what it feels like to be loved and what it feels like to be hurt! Yes I've hurt feelings, I've stepped on toes and I've made people cry! But I've been hurt, ive been stepped on, and I've cried! But you know one thing has never changed in me in all my life as far back as I can remember is that I find away to pick up the pieces and continue one my way until the next curve, bump or ditch comes along!! It's been awhile now since I've felt like I was free and it's been a while since I've felt like I feel about someone!! It's taken a long time to get over a heartbreak or a heartache but I'm still me! I've picked up those pieces to that shattered heart and some how found a way to put them back together!! Yes it's not as whole as it used to be but I guess it never will be!! I'll always love my first boyfriend, my first girlfriend, and Corey!! That'll never change no matter who I fall in love with or who I end up living rest of my life with!! I was in love with missy, Natasha and Lisa!! There's a place in my heart for all of them! There's always a place in my heart for them! No matter what happens or doesn't happen I'll always try to be friends with them all! It's nice to have such great friends, cause I connect with each of them differently, they all know me on different levels, they all know something about me that a lot of people don't!! And they all care about me! Blog you've took my hardest hits youve listened you've never once hurt me and you've always been there for me! Reading over some older stuff and I probably should delete some of it cause it hurts to relive it! But blog that's what your here for, for me to vent, clear my mind, and stomp my feet or even pitch one hell of a fit!! To all that read this blog, your feedback is welcomed!! And to all that want to send me a private message my email is rebelpride77@gmail.com I check my mail daily!! I'm gonna put a picture on this blog of me from the other day!! I look like damn it but maybe someone will see it and be like haha don't she look cute!! Well blog it's getting late!! Good night!!

Success

Today was great, he loved it! He sat and stared at it for a few hours and it made me tear up cause I knew he was proud of it!! He's amazed at all the hard work I put in it and all the time I took to research the proper placement of things!! I've enjoyed it and I know he'll get many years out of it!! I love my dad, my hero!!

As this day comes to a close, I got to say that it was a pretty good day!! Even though Jody wasn't here with us we made a visit to the cemetery and I kneeled down and laid my hand on the slab and said happy fathers day Jody!! It was a heart breaking to do but I did it!! Now, I know some of my friends that read this blog don't have there dad here anymore!! I don't know what it feels like nor will I say I do!! It's not something that I've ever endured!! But be thankful for the years you did get with him and the years that he was still on this earth! Tonight, as I was leaving my dads house I started to tear up cause I don't know what I'd do with out him! I don't know where I'd be without him! No we don't have a perfect relationship but you know he's still my dad!! I'd be lost for sure! To all that read this and see this whether your dad is here or gone be thankful!! If he's still here take a minute every week and call him! If he's gone and you can go to cemetery go and say hey! He's not there but he does listen!! I thank god for the memories of Jody, and for having my dad still with me! Good night blog!! Thank you dad, my hero!!

Fathers day

Well, any man can be a dad but it takes a real man to be a father!! My dad is just that a dad!! He's not been the greatest, nor has he been the worse either!! Times and things happened but he's still my dad!! A dad that fought in Vietnam, one that got spit on when he returned but you know he's always been my hero!! He'll forever be my hero!! I don't know what he's been thru, I don't want to know! But one thing is for sure he did help make me, help mold me into the woman I am today! He always took care of me when I might of needed something!! He's my dad and this fathers day I honor him with giving him another shadow box of his dress jacket with all the insignias and patches! Yes I'm very proud of my dad and I want him to be honored to have served and I want him to feel the love that I have for him! I want him to be happy and proud of the things I've done for him!! He's my dad and I shall honor him on this fathers day!! Welcome home Dad! Your my hero whether anyone else says you are or not!! Dad your my all American hero!! I love you and will always be daddy's little girl no matter how big I get or what path I walk I'll always be your little girl! Youll always be my dad, my hero!! I love you!! 

Blog, it's been a great day and tomorrow when I hand my dad this new shadow box it's gonna be the best day!! I'm honored to call him my dad!! It means more to me than anything to honor him and love him thru our ups and downs!! No matter the bad he's done he's my dad!! Fathers day is a day to honor our fathers, it's a day to show them we love them!! Never does a day go by that I'm not a proud daughter of a Vietnam veteran!! My dad is my hero!! Well blog I must close now tears are filling my eyes!! Peace!

Amazing......

How one text, one message, one phone call or just one little hello from someone changes your whole day!! Makes you feel like your someone and wanted! It's hard to know that when it seems everyone is against you!! Just like tonight I see that my mom is the greatest mom!!  It hurts to see that cause she never did anything great for me! She pawned me off on every Tom dick and harry she could just to go out and get drunk Every weekend! I didn't know where I was gonna lay my head come Friday night, Saturday night and some Sunday nights! I guess at times i just laid my head where ever! It's sad to say that most of my childhood I spent here there and yonder! If I was with my dad was messing with me, my mom left me with who ever! I guess I should be this way! I should feel like I'm only good for food and sex! That's what my husband says, my mom thinks I'm no good my dad must think I was good for something like sex too! He did!! Well I guess I'm just as good as the next person!! Ugh! Peace

Thinking

Posted on Wednesday while camping!

As I lay here thinking back over the days that's gone by! I can't help but wonder what would Mamaw think of me now, what would she be saying now, and why did aunt Jeanette have to go so soon! Life is a precious gift that we all should take for granted! I was watching a movie again the other day and it reminded me of a girl that killed in a car wreck! This movie makes me think of all the ones that feel so alone that we just walk on past! Never stopping asking are you ok do you need a shoulder to lean on!! I couldn't tell you the number of times I've had that feeling of being alone! Just the other day in the mist of fishing I felt like no one wanted me or wanted me around! I told my friend that I was giving up because of the pain I was in and she said no your not cause your stronger than that so suck it up and keep going! Often times we say yea we understand something your going thru when really unless you've been thru it you have no clue!! So next time someone says I understand the pain your in ask them since when did you get RA, or what ever! Because unless you have RA, ovaries problems, lupus, depression or anything else then you really don't know the pain I'm in! I suffer from RA, Sevre Depression, and PTSD! Unless you've got any of those or even ever felt depressed then what do you really know? Next time that woman, man or kid walks by and looks weird or just not like most people look like don't judge them don't say she's weird cause you don't know her story, you don't know her home life, and last you don't know what she's thinking!! Trust me I hide my thinking from most everyone that knew me! It's not like I wanted them to know that I just took 9 pills, or I just thought about shooting myself or that I wanted to slice my wrist! You don't know what goes on daily in my head it's a constant battle! Think before you say I understand!
If only we could take back one thing we ever said to anyone, or if we could take back one punch to a brick wall, or if we could take back just one mean ill willed thought towards someone else! Just those one things could of made a difference in a life of someone! Until I get home blog! Peace!


Sent from my iPhone

Things I miss most in life! Here are a few pictures of things I miss most, if I could have one hour with these things I think I'd find happiness! One is my grandmother, my supporter, my world, my life! Shes gone but totally not forgotten! Another is my step grandmother, one that loved me for me and never once said I wasn't her own, took me under her wing and raised me like any grandmother should! Another thing is my friend Natasha, she used to make me laugh and still does when we text! She always knew how to brighten my day and make things seem right! Thanks Natasha for all the memories she's probably gonna kill me but I'm putting her picture here too!!!! Next picture is my best friend one that knows all my secrets and refuses to tell anyone, I don't see her often enough but when we do get together we have the best time! Marty, I love you and can't wait to see you again and we go get out butterfly tattoo!! Picture after my best friend is my grandmother! Next thing I miss is my friend missy yes we've had some ups and downs but we've tried to remain friends, she's helped me thru a few things in my life when everyone else ran she stood by me! Thanks missy! Not the best photo! Then my other friend that knows when to send me crazy pictures of her self when I was depressed! Thank you Becky for brightening my life with your presence! Next i miss the times me and margie would spend together at the casino, abd just spending time with her! I miss those days but lifes been crazy for us both and this picture was taken the last time we went to casino together! Shes like a mother to me, loves me and has help mold me into this woman i am today! Thanks Margie!! Last but not least the thing I miss is my friend Lisa! She understands me on levels that a lot of people don't like when I'm hurting cause she suffers the same things I do with RA! Lisa's gonna kill me cause I stole her profile picture off facebook! Lol but I don't care!! I miss you all and hope to see you all again one day! Heavens too far away, water valley is full of drama, pontotoc is not a good place, smithville is a long drive, Sherman isnt that far just too lazy, and Grenada is even a longer drive!! Well blog, good night!! 

Why?

That's the question I ask myself daily! But I keep telling myself cause I love him and I wanna try to make this marriage work! But things just don't add up right and I'm not no where near a mathematician but I know what 5:24 and 6:24 is an hour that you lost! Hmm but what happened to I got off at 4 where was you before 5:24 when I called! Ugh! But he hates to answer those questions but always answers them with what you been doing and who are you fucking!! Not a single person! Ugh!! So mad can't even type! Peace

Memorial Day

Isnt a free day to be off work, a day to BBQ with friends and family! It's a day to honor the ones whose served for freedom! The ones past, present and future!! It's hard to write this blog and I'm a little choked up, over a year ago the lord called home a man that never got the proper welcoming home that he deserved!! RIP Spc. Jody Holland!! Today I honor my dad yes my dad isn't the perfect man but one things for sure he served in one of the bloodiest wars, and came out alive!! He was spit on, called baby killers and among other things, he was treated like a dog on the street! Never once given the proper welcome home he deserves! I feel like the president needs to declare April 30 of every year Welcome Home Vietnam Veterans, giving them the welcome home they deserve!! Sometimes it hurts to know that no one even cares that they fought for the freedom you and I share daily, the freedom to be outspoken, the freedom to be free and live like we want!! It's not everyday that goes by that i know he doesn't think about that day, those years, those times! When he passes he will get burial with full military honor!! As I shed tears right now I'll shed tears that day too!! Wake up America these men, women fought for you!! Lets stand together and welcome them home!! Peace happy memorial day 2012!!

Best friend!

I've been told that I just don't understand and I just don't see you can't help who you fall in love with! Well your wrong cause I understand completely been there a time or two and I've walked that road, listen to me cause I don't want you hurt!! Well the road your walking is the road to complete and udder destruction! He's no more in love with you than I'm in love with dolly pardon, and btw she has some nice boobs I'd like to get my hands on, back to subject sorry got a little lost for a moment! He sees you as the next piece of ass and the next pussy!! He doesn't love you cause if he did then let me tell you this much, he'd invite you around his family, ask you out on a date and want to be seen with you in public! But no he calls you when it's late at night and tells you to come to back door, hmm what the hell is wrong with that picture? There's no motherfucker gonna tell me to come over late at night and come to back door!! He's using you until he finds another piece of pussy then your dropped like a rock and then when that piece gets the picture and leaves him he calls you back and you go running, why because your fucking blinded by the lust and you call it love!! Whoops let me tell you last time I checked love was a four letter word that was used to prove that you want to spend your life with someone!! Yes I know all this from experience but your so wrapped up in the moment or heat of passion that you can't see the bright light that's staring you in the face! I told you before when he hurt you and you didn't listen I just told you again and your not listening! Go ahead leave your so called husband for this player and don't come running to me when I'm right!! Trust me you can take the player out of the game but you'll never take the game out of the player!! Peace

Ugh

I hate when I'm someones rebound! I just don't understAnd, you add me back on fb, you text me, you message me!! You tell me the things that I mean to you and you want me but I tell you I'm with someone or I want to be with this someone! Then you tell me that your back with the one that left you, it pisses me off cause the time it takes to walk back in my life it took for you to walk out!! I just don't get every time you break up you coming running back!! Just don't get it, I guess that you really think I'm sitting around waiting in you when I'm really not!! You was good while it lasted but then you chose to walk away and you chose her over me, so next time she leaves you and you need a friend do not text me, message me or any way shape of form contact me! I'm passed you, it was just a fling with you anyways! I guess that it took me a little bit to figure out u was just a user then you forget the ones you used!! And no I'm not talking about Natasha or missy!! The one I'm talking about doesn't deserve this post really cause I should of known that it was just a game!! Too old for fucking games!! Either you need me thru all ur times or u don't need me at all!! Peace!!

Blood boiling!!

I've never in my life been so mad that I felt my ears burning, my head started pounding as I was last night! Can't say tonight cause it's 7:30 am on Tuesday morning! Yelp I've yet to step foot in my bed since about 11:30am Monday am!! Last night the guy that my dad adopted from rehab place tried to pull a fast one, well lies after lies and then the final blow! My GPS that was in carols car was gone! I hit the roof, I told carol he best get his shit and go or he was gonna have a ride in back of ambulance, then he comes outside and dad tells him the gps is gone and he said I promise I didn't see it in there! Very next breath says well maybe I did but I didn't take it!! Blood boiling by this point and I looked that sorry mother fucker in the face and I said you best go in there and pack your ficking shit!! I walked off cause if I hadn't then I can't tell you I probably wouldn't of stopped until the fucker was dead!! I walked back out and dad said go pack your stuff and I'll take you to bus station and then I look online for a bus ticket and the bus station here in tupelo closed at 5:30 pm!! I said the fucker needs to go right now and I'll drive him where ever he wants to go! So at 11:30pm we leave and head towards Memphis! All the way there he never said a word then says as I'm dropping him off thanks christy, I looked at my dad and said that fucker better be proud and count his blessings! My stepmom told me she told him that he done pissed off the wrong person and then my dad said he looked at him and said I know you have and you better start packing or it ain't gonna be pretty!! The boy was so high on something that I don't know if he even knows he's in the world or not!! But as I told my dad on the way home let bye gones be bye gones and let the lord deal with him!! I hope that one day he seeks the help he needs and seeks the help to better himself!! But I've learned a hard lesson and I think my dad and carol did too!! I just hate that it had to be this way!! But that's one lucky soul cause I feel like I could of picked him up by the hair of his head and slung him around like hulk did lockee in the avengers movie!! Until next time blog! Peace!!

Missing you

As the days get longer the more I miss your touch, smell and laughter that we shared. Its been a while since I've seen your smiling face and smelled the sweet smell that only you could smell like.. The perfume you wore, the shampoo you use and the detergent you wash your clothes in leaves a lasting scent that I think about everytime I think of you.. Missing you is like eating with no fork or spoon, your smile lights my world, your voice gives me butterflies in my stomach, your eyes makes me feel like I'm the only one in your life.. Missing you so much that it hurts and I want to sleep until the next time I see you or hear you voice.. Every time I see a text message it makes me long for you more.. It makes me want you more and more. The time will come one day when your in my arms again... I miss you!!!

Those words just flowed from my mind to my fingers to write that. I hope the one that its meant for will read this blog and know that it came from the heart.. Its hard to love someone but you can't be with them and its hard to live so close but yet so far away. Its sad to know that someone else gets to see her face and see her smile that melts my heart and hear her voice that gives me butterflies.. One day maybe, Ill hold her again.. Life is made up of choices and choices sometimes comes with regrets.. Sometimes the regrets are as little as letting her go or seeing her walk away with out saying I love you. But you know sometimes regrets are better than not and sometimes they hurt more than they probably should. Well, blog I think Ill go take a nap.. Peace until next time.. 

If only......

Reading over some of my past blog entries tonight brought back so many memories, somethings Id forgotten Id even posted and somethings that should probably be deleted but you know one things for sure.. This blog has taken my rants, raves and abuse that Ive given it with every word that Ive spoke in those long and short blog entries.. Tonight, this entry is just gonna be something that ive been thinking about and something thats been weighing on my heart.. I need to get it off my chest.. I know my dad did bad things to me and my mom hasn't been the mom that i wish i had and my dad ain't really been the dad that i wish i had either. Then there comes a time that you have to go thru the bad to get to the good.. I had stepmom's that hated me, and now i have an awesome stepmom that loves me for me and would do what ever she could to make me happy or help me in any way possible. My dad brought home a 26 yr old boy from the rehab place and I feel like it was God sent that these two men end up in the same place at the same time. I guess I gained a new brother and a new sister in law and nephew.. Yes hes married and has a 2 yr old son.. His number one goal was to get clean and be a father to his son and get his wife back.. I think thats amazing. I'm proud of my dad being the man that he is and didn't leave a brother behind. Now, on to something else..

Today, I got to see someone it was a great visit with this person. Its been a few months since we've seen each other and we had a great time.. I then went by the cemetery to see my grandmother one more time, after my visit with Lisa, i guess i needed to tell my grandmother how i was doing and what all was going on.. I felt like she was listening to me and when I walked back to my truck I had a sense of peace..... I miss her dearly but I know shes not suffering anymore. Today, I told Lisa something that Ive been holding back because of the regret that might follow but she took it and told me how she felt about what I said.. I felt better after I said it to her and told her what I meant behind it and how i came to the conclusion. Lisa, is so easy to talk to and so understanding of my pain im in daily because she suffers some of the same pain. I have others that are easy to talk but i truly don't know if they really know how bad I hurt or how much it hurts to do this or that. With Lisa she does. I wish that I lived closer to her so I could see her more often but you know when we do get to see each other its a good visit.. Just like when I see missy its always a good visit and we always have a good time. Laughing, talking and even occasionally crying.. Just like with Natasha it was always fun to hang out with her, she could always find a way to do something crazy to make me laugh so hard I'd about pee in my pants. Yes Missy and Lisa do to but you know we all have friends that come in our lives for different reasons. We might not quite know the reason at first but then we will once it becomes clear.. 

This blog has been my shoulder when i needed someone to listen, this blog has been my venting post and I couldn't ever bring it down. It will always be here when I need it and it will always be my most treasured piece of work. I dont' know if anything I say makes sense to anyone else as long as it gives me the peace i need to be able to sleep at night and rest well, then Ill keep, posting stupid things like this blog tonight. But for all that read it and I know theres some of you out there.. If ever you have a chance to comment please do.. Tell me how im doing and what keeps you coming back.. I guess i need to see what is going thru someone elses head for a change. Well, blog i must close because my fingers are getting tired.. Until next time PEACE!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight I miss you!!

As I lay here thinking about a conversation I had earlier with a friend, it brings back so many memories of the times we spent at the lake eating subway and just talking!! I miss those days and I hope one day I'm able to see you again!! 

It's been a hard few weeks for me but things are beginning to look up and I'm proud!! My dad comes home from the drug rehab place on Wednesday, I hope this time he's really learned a lesson and will do what it takes to stay off the pain pills! 

This blog is going to be really random but it's just how I am right now pretty random, the past few months have been long because I haven't gotten a chance to see someone, I miss her and hope she misses me a little too!! I guess that time makes the heart grow fonder, and I hope she knows that I'm trying my best to get down there to see her!!! Well blog I dont have much to say!! Peace

Ugh

I guess I've ruined a good thing once again!! Will I ever learn my lesson? Will I ever finally find happiness? Will I ever be someones everything? Will I? Those are the questions that run thru my head right now! I guess I've fucked up again!! Ugh! Fuck it!!

A little something

Times I feel like there's never enough words to describe how I feel about someone or to someone! But times I just start writing and my words flow freely and make some sense! Over the past few days I've searched high and low for something to tell someone how I feel about them!! I looked, I googled, I youtubed, I even searched facebook for clues to fill in my missing gaps in my writing! I couldn't come up with anything so I just started putting things together and this is what I came up with!! The picture that's attached to this blog!! I guess I do have a way sometimes writing things and they make sense! I think she understood and she told me she loved it! That made me feel great! Hope who ever reads this thinks it's good too! Peace blog until next time! 

One Year ago....

One year ago I was sitting in room 246 at the VA hospital in Memphis, TN watching a man that God gave me 8 great years with.. A man that got the best birthday present anyone could ever ask for, and that was to meet our creator. He fought a good fight, and wasn't until he knew we was all in the room with him did he take his final breathe. It was a day that Ill never forget and a day that will be forever etched in my memory, I miss his smile and the way he always said there was something wrong with me cause I didn't eat Turnip greens and Cabbage. It just doesn't seem like a year ago we laid this man down to his final resting place. The cancer doesn't discriminate it doesn't care who you are or what youve been thru. He served 2 tours of duty in Vietnam, not only did he lose many of his friends but he went back again to find all his fallen brothers.. He got the burial that any man should long for and finally got the welcome home that many of them didn't get when they came off that plane.. He got the welcome home that all vietnam vets should of recieved but didn't and he got to meet the creator. He is watching over us all now but the wanting to see his face again doesn't  make it hurt less nor does the fact that hes not here with us today make it hurt less. I went with Corey, Derek and Ms. Betty this afternoon to the cemetery and it just doesn't seem like its been a year. Tuesday is a day that Ill probably cry because its the day that not on is his birthday but his death day.. May 1, 1947 he was born and he lived a pretty good life. He raised 4 kids and they all seem to have a pretty good head on there shoulders.. May 1, 2o11 was his finally day here on in this earth. 11:48pm he took his final breath with his family standing around him and Brody or Derek one holding his hand. That day we will never forget and never will another day take the place of that day unless its my mom or my dad. But when that day comes that My dad does die he will get he burial that he deserves too. He will get a full military burial with full military honors. Trust me its a long burial but its worth every minute of it. I miss Jody today and I cried today because if i could see his smiling face one more time.. Even in the final hours he smiled for us one last time. That smile is something that will forever be etched in my memory. Well, blog thru my tear filled eyes its hard to see to type this so i guess i need to get off here and go to bed. Good night blog and PEace.. Miss you Jody and see you soon..

Head pounding but need to release something!

Laying here with a pounding headache and stomach ache! Today was infusion day and I feel my normal crappy self after it!! Just don't get this one thing, that's gotten my mind on a rolling roller coaster!! It's called a female!! Not just any female but one that I don't see often enough! She's got me so wrapped up I don't know if I know which way we are going! But I need someone tonight to rub my head and stomach and no one will! Damn am I that non pretty I guess so since Corey comes home talking about the girl that checked him out at Walmart looking hot! He's never told me! If only he knew how that makes a woman feel maybe he'd do it more often but really I don't care cause he's not into me like that! I should of stayed away when I left in December!! But I do love him but really in truly not in love with him! Sad but true I don't think he's in love with me either! I truly think if we hadn't taken a loan out to pay off some bills back in october then he wouldn't wanted me to come back but he can't pay the loan payment alone so he needed me!! I just guess that maybe I'm only good for what I do for him and nothing more! Peace blog I feel better!!

To save a life!!

Was a really good movie, I think everyone should watch it cause it brings meaning to what I've thought about, what I've done and what I've written out! I used to be a cutter, yelp I didn't cut my wrist I'd cut my legs just because I didn't want people to see them! There healed now, but the emotional scar is still there! I've threatened to shot my self but I just don't feel I ever could pull the trigger, I've done stupid stuff like take a lot of pills but ive always woke up with the sweats or a bad headache or something like that!! I know if I continue to do that it could be one day I don't wake up! That's the day I long for sometimes! The day that everyone sees the scars they've caused me, sees the emotional pain I've been in for years, and sees why I really have to take all these meds! That day could be today, maybe that's why I lay awake and think about the things I think about! Maybe this blog site will be told to my mom and dad the day I leave this world so they can see what there little girl lived thru! Maybe someone will tell Corey about it and he can see what really is going on, maybe someone reading this will stop and think before they take their life!! I'm a lot of talk cause anyone that's suicidal holds the power in there hand to finish the job! But it's only cause we don't wanna finish the job is why we are still here! If I only had thought about the things I've said or done over my 34 years then I think a few things I would of done differently! If my mom or dad would of thought about how they pushed me on to others all the time a long time ago I might not hate them like I do! Don't get me wrong I love em but I hate em too!! If they'd taken that few mins that they took with my brother or sister or step brother or step sister then I might of wouldn't had to resort to cutting, suicidal thinking, and taking pills! It's been a long time since I've really had a few mins with my mom just her and I with out a fight or someone getting mad! I couldn't tell you when, nor can I tell you the last time I've sat and talked to my dad about something other than my brother!! I can't tell you the last time I've talked to Corey about anything other than what he's watching or work!! Yelp it's not an easy world I live in nor is it an easy life I've lived!! One day might just be too late to start over!! One day might be too short to call me, or talk to me!! Today you had a chance, tomorrow you may not!! But it's been their choice to lead the life they have and we all make stupid choices in our lives, but when we move on and forgive those stupid choices is when we see that life is about making decisions!! If only mom and dad had thought about those stupid choices before it was too late! I guess they didn't know or really care! Cause alcohol and/or men or women were more important!! So with this being said, I hope I make it out alive but if I don't then consider this my final good bye! Peace