Good enough

today it's hit me that I might not be good enough for anything anymore! Daily I struggle to find peace and understanding in how things are and how things should be!! Today while walking around the grocery store I realized that my life isn't the way I want it to be! I can't walk hardly without having to sit down! I can't even make it to bathroom with out peeing my clothes! I can't even love my husband without pain! No matter how hard I try the more I try the more I feel lost the more I feel like giving up!! The more I feel like saying fuck it! I know that I can't give up because too many want me to keep fighting but while I'm fighting are they cheering me on or trying to tell me to stop! I feel as if I've gone as far as I can go! My body is dead my soul is dying and my mind is wasting! I'll be gone soon don't cry then and don't cry now! 

Standing alone in a sea of people that's how I feel! I feel like no one sees me but everyone is looking right at me!! My body hurts to the point I'm ready to end it all! The thoughts are so before me that I see it all coming to an end!! I know it's the devil but God is there somewhere I know! I've begged, pleaded and cried out but no one sees it! No one knows what's really going on! When your head says do it but your heart says no don't I try to lean with my heart! But right now in the mass of people my heart is saying do it! Life isn't a road of least traveled it's a road of well traveled paths to no where! That's my mind! My mind is racing with ways to peacefully go with out anyone knowing! My body is yearning for the time to be pain free! My soul is for the taking but I don't want it to be taken wrong! My thoughts are worthless in this moment but they are what I try to keep to myself! I've said more than I should and I should just turn my life over to the lab rats! Maybe they could use my useless body for something! Because it's truly only keeping me here! It's nothing to me but a box of bones and tools used against me! My inner workings aren't what they should be! But my tools within are worn out and my mind is still trying to tell them to keep working! I'm begging God to take me away from this all and praising him for keeping me here! Maybe my pain is to testify for others that he doesn't put more on us than we can stand! But right now the devil is saying yes he does and your at your limit! The fighter in me is still fighting by the hair on my chin but the fighter at some point soon is gonna go down with no fight left! My fighter is slowly taken all it can take! It's do or die time and die time is more visible than the do time! My mind is blurry and it's slowly taking the turn towards the other side! If I shall die before I wake then who ever reads this know that I didn't do it intentionally but God finally listened and took the fighter home! I love you all! To Corey thank you for loving me, holding me and being my rock! To the rest of my family I love you all! To my unborn niece or nephew I love you too! Grow up to make me proud sorry I didn't get to see it! My the rest of you live your life to the fullest and may you never endure the pain I've endured in such a short life! To my friends that still stood by me thank you and may you keep my dream alive of always smiling thru it all' peace