2014

Seems like yesterday 2014 was coming in and 2013 was going out! The days go by quicker it seems every year! I don't know why they seem that way now but they do! In a few days it'll be CHRISTmas day! Another day for some and for some it's a day to remember the reason for the season!! Christ! As my year ends looking back I've seen things, done things and regretted things! But one things for sure 2015 will be here before I know it! 2014 has scared me at times, made me laugh, cry and even wanna give up! I'm still here to tell my story and that's a great thing! Some days through out this year I've wanted nothing more than to lay down and tell all to fuck off! But I didn't! Now as the year closes I see that I'm proud im still here for one more year! Never has a year been so hard on me physically as this year has! I'm not sure I can take much more physical pain as I have this year! Here's to a better year physically and mentally! Hoping that the new year will give me new insight and a better out look on life!! Happy 2015!

Good enough

today it's hit me that I might not be good enough for anything anymore! Daily I struggle to find peace and understanding in how things are and how things should be!! Today while walking around the grocery store I realized that my life isn't the way I want it to be! I can't walk hardly without having to sit down! I can't even make it to bathroom with out peeing my clothes! I can't even love my husband without pain! No matter how hard I try the more I try the more I feel lost the more I feel like giving up!! The more I feel like saying fuck it! I know that I can't give up because too many want me to keep fighting but while I'm fighting are they cheering me on or trying to tell me to stop! I feel as if I've gone as far as I can go! My body is dead my soul is dying and my mind is wasting! I'll be gone soon don't cry then and don't cry now! 

Standing alone in a sea of people that's how I feel! I feel like no one sees me but everyone is looking right at me!! My body hurts to the point I'm ready to end it all! The thoughts are so before me that I see it all coming to an end!! I know it's the devil but God is there somewhere I know! I've begged, pleaded and cried out but no one sees it! No one knows what's really going on! When your head says do it but your heart says no don't I try to lean with my heart! But right now in the mass of people my heart is saying do it! Life isn't a road of least traveled it's a road of well traveled paths to no where! That's my mind! My mind is racing with ways to peacefully go with out anyone knowing! My body is yearning for the time to be pain free! My soul is for the taking but I don't want it to be taken wrong! My thoughts are worthless in this moment but they are what I try to keep to myself! I've said more than I should and I should just turn my life over to the lab rats! Maybe they could use my useless body for something! Because it's truly only keeping me here! It's nothing to me but a box of bones and tools used against me! My inner workings aren't what they should be! But my tools within are worn out and my mind is still trying to tell them to keep working! I'm begging God to take me away from this all and praising him for keeping me here! Maybe my pain is to testify for others that he doesn't put more on us than we can stand! But right now the devil is saying yes he does and your at your limit! The fighter in me is still fighting by the hair on my chin but the fighter at some point soon is gonna go down with no fight left! My fighter is slowly taken all it can take! It's do or die time and die time is more visible than the do time! My mind is blurry and it's slowly taking the turn towards the other side! If I shall die before I wake then who ever reads this know that I didn't do it intentionally but God finally listened and took the fighter home! I love you all! To Corey thank you for loving me, holding me and being my rock! To the rest of my family I love you all! To my unborn niece or nephew I love you too! Grow up to make me proud sorry I didn't get to see it! My the rest of you live your life to the fullest and may you never endure the pain I've endured in such a short life! To my friends that still stood by me thank you and may you keep my dream alive of always smiling thru it all' peace 

Post long over due

Two weeks ago today I walked into north mississippi medical center headed for elbow surgery! I was a nervous wreck, but I made it thru surgery just fine as I knew I would because I have God on my side he was there with me every step of the way! He watched over the doctor and nurses and held me tight! I couldn't ask for a more caring doctor than the one that did my surgery! Will blog more later 

Answers

Defined as words to a question! You might say what was the question well the question was what surgery is best for a bummed up elbow? The answer is simple open surgery where they go in and chop away or chip away the bone that well arthritis has taken a hold of! So, tonight I might rest well knowing that life has an answer! I'll do what I can to make it the best I can! Thinking about the previous post and going with that theme again seems real right now! The answer to depression, defeat, hopelessness, helplessness and despair isn't suicide as we all might want it to be! The answer lies within ourselves, it's within our hearts, souls, minds and bodies! The answer is LIFE WITHOUT FEAR! The fear is knowing that you won't ever be whole, ever be well, and ever be the person you are when you fake the smile! Sadly the answer for most is ending it makes my life better when really it makes others lives living hell! Your mother hurts if she's a real mother to you,  cries daily, asks God why, says what could I, what if I, and so on! She wants answers, but really down deep inside she knows the true answer, she knows but sometimes it's hard to admit! She didn't do anything wrong, she was your biggest supporter wanted nothing but the best for you! Most mothers are like that I'd say! Your father might hurt if he was a real father to you if he's not then he feels nothing at all! He hurts, he cries, he ask why, what if, what could I done! The answer is he did all he could, he gave you what you needed to survive, he taught you to enjoy life! A wife/husband will hurt if they are truly a real wife/husband, anyone can marry you but not all love you deeply, if they do they hurt, they cry, they wanna hide, they wanna join you but the answer might lie in how they spent the last few days with you! If you end it after a fight, or after a long day or year of depression then they can be part of the cause! Not saying all are but so many have chosen suicide over a man or woman! It's sad to know that another human can drive you so far off the cliff and alter your mind so much that the depression is so unbearable! I know it happens to me sometimes! After a little altercation with Corey I wanna just end it because I think in my depressed mind that he'd be better off when really he won't be! He will be devastated just like the rest of my family! I'm a survivor, I'm a fighter, I'm a daughter, sister, wife, cousin, niece, daughter in law and friend to so many that I know wouldn't want me gone no matter how much I think it's for the best! The answer is staring you in the face it's called Love your life, your only given one so live it to the fullest suicide isn't living your life to the fullest it's ending your life before you got to see your own child grow, before you got to see that sister marry, that mother hold your child and so on! No matter the darkest moment your in please don't give up just yet! Let God decide when your time is up! Take it from me a person who fights a battle with her mind daily to get up, move, laugh, cry, raise Cain and be a bad b at times! But you know I still got one more fight left, one more round left, one more memory to make left, and one more breath to take before I'm down! You do too, at this moment you might not think so but you do! Remember the answer is looking you in the face! Family, friends, coworkers, even a stranger might need you to show them that it's ok to live and suicide isn't the answer! Never allow the answer to fade from you and don't stop loving yourself, and don't stop loving the ones that truly love you! Brothers, sisters, daughters, mothers, and so on no matter how bad you think your life is remember someone is loving you more than you know! One more thing, I've done in my life that is a tool of coping is hiding the scars of my heart, hiding behind my smile, hiding behind the shirts I wear! It's hard seeing the scars and knowing that everyone is worth it and everyone is a living proof my time isn't up! The mark on my arm from cutting, the mark on my stomach from cutting, the marks internal from the pills are all proof that you can survive no matter how hard it might seem! I know your wondering why I cut my stomach because I was hiding my scars and I knew that it wasn't the right spot but it relieved the pain in my mind for a split second! The taste of metal in my mouth from the gun is still visible today because once you taste it it's a taste you'll never forget! Yes you see life is worth living because there's so much out there to experience for the first time, so much to live for! And so much to strive for! Goal after goal is another notch on my belt in the battle to defeat this monster called DEPRESSION!!!  You too can battle with me and every day above ground is another notch, another goal to mark off! Lastly, thank you for a mother that played both roles, she and I might not see eye to eye but she did teach me to never give up, thank you to a father that taught me that things aren't always as they seem, to my brother who taught me to live life on the wild side then settle down, to a sister that's taught me no matter what battle I'm fighting to keep on fighting, to my husband who I love dearly at times and other times wonder why I married him that taught me to keep going, to keep moving and to always tell when something needs to been done, to my awesome counselor who I should of found about 20 years ago That taught me to let go, take back my life and  not allow anyone the pleasure of controlling it, to my many stepmom's that's taught me to know when to hold on and know when to run!! To my stepmom carol that's taught me to never give up on something that I truly want! To my stepsister that's taught me to fight for the right to party, but really taught me to love myself, to my stepbrother thats taught me to not do things that will get you in trouble and to my many many friends that's taught me to love others the way I want others to love me and that no matter what it's ok to cry, scream, Hang up the phone and even apologize for all the above and still have that shoulder when I need it and that ear when I need it! Thank you all! I wouldn't be living this dream, this life or living today with out your love, support and cheers! May this story help another person that's thinking SUICIDE is the way out! Actually it's truly not, GOD is the way! Peace!! 

Long time gone

Writing this tonight hurts more than any other blog I've written! Physically, mentally and emotionally! Suicide awareness week day month year what ever you wanna call it! I'm a survivor in more ways than you might know my first attempt was in 7th grade when I was being called, fat ugly, 2x4, and other words! I cut my wrist in hopes of a quick easy death to get away from the pain and bullying! It didn't work that way I saw the blood and like most I freaked out! I washed my arm and wrapped it in toilet paper and applied pressure to make it stop! Luckily, I wasn't smart enough to know where to cut because the place I cut wasn't the right spot! The second time I tried was right after I confronted my dad about molesting me in front of my stepmom! I was hurt, I was willing to crash anyone and everyone in my path! I took a hand full of pills but I didn't take the right kind because all these did was make me sleep! No one knows what a person has gone through, is going through to cause them to think they aren't worth living! The thoughts cross my mind more than I want to admit! Every time I've attempted I never told anyone 1 because when you reach the end you don't want anyone talking you out of it, 2. I felt as if, if I was gone then everyone would be happy, not thinking of others but thinking of myself! 3. When I'm gone I wouldn't hurt anymore, i wouldn't be stuck in a room with no light anymore! No matter what others think when a depressed person is down they are down! There's no magical cure, no magic pill, no magic healing can take place! Crying is a release as well as feelings of suicide! Until you walk in a persons shoes that's stuck in a hole with no light, no life and daily struggles to try and stay alive then don't judge that person, don't talk about that person and lastly don't ever tell that person to snap out of it! There's no snapping out of it, no shaking it off and no just walking away! It's not that easy, daily I struggle to get up, I do though as my day progresses on I feel a weight pulling me down and making me feel lost, hopeless, helpless and defeated! Depression is an illness that has no cure, alcohol numbs the pain, drugs numbs the pain but when your not drunk, drugged the pain can be so unbearable that death is your only avenue! This week I'm living proof that suicide could of been the answer because yea I've thought about it, I've wanted nothing more than to just end it, I wanted to do it in a way that I wouldn't hurt not one second! I wanted it to end quickly and shooting myself is the easiest way! I'd never do it to where anyone would have to see the remains and be reminded daily I'd do it somewhere that wouldn't be noticed! Talking with my awesome counselor today I told her I'm ready to give up, she told me that so many are pulling for me, cheering me on! I know they are but the giving up feeling is greater than the feeling of being loved at times! Giving up is easier for someone like me that their past is a vast resemblance of the future! Pain, sadness, hopelessness, feeling of not wanted has been my past and as I type this at times I think it's my future too! I love you all and please don't be the next victim of this depression crime! Live through my story of survival and love yourself and respect yourself to not put your family through the pain of remembering you this way! Suicide is easy for you but hell for others! Depression is hell for you but easy for others! If your depressed please seek help, if your suicidal please seek help! If you know someone that's attempted, thought, spoke or hinted then please reach out to them! Because you never know what a person truly feels behind that fake smile, behind those bright eyes! I've faked my smile for so long it hurts to actually smile for real! I've hide my pain for so long that others think I'm faking when I'm being honest! Faking is like suicide easy to do! No one knows so no one understands! You are the only answer to life's problems! Your life is yours to live but try and live it with a real smile, a real answer! I love you!  

The long Goodbye

Laying here feeling like it's time to say good bye, my life isn't worth living, isn't worth the pain that I'm in! Why must I go through this daily to just wake up the same as I went to bed! My mind races, my body aches, my heart beats loudly but my soul says it's too late! Living in a lie day in and day out has brought me to the point of no return and to the end of my rope! I see the bottom of this hole slowly getting closer! What must I do, how can I stop it from reaching up and grabbing me! I see it and I'm within a few millimeters of hitting bottom I've been here before and i feel it's the best place for me! This bottomless pit is my new bed, my new life, my new everything it's the only place I find comfort, the only place I find peace and the only place dark enough not to see myself! Looking thru the hole at the top the light is getting dimmer and soon it'll go out! This life isn't the life I wanted and isn't the life I feel i should of been given! The day my father took my innocence away was the day I died as a child! He caused this and maybe if I end it he will finally admit that he's the cause of this! I don't want you to shed a tear over my body if you didn't shed a tear while I was living above the hole! Don't enter my hole hoping to pull me free because this pit is my only safe place! Leave me here for the world to see what it's like to be in a state of despair and confusion and hurt! If only my father hadn't taken my life so long ago is still be here today! Depression won another battle and hell will gain another body to the despair of the innocence that's been taken! Shall you see this I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you bye but remember I'll always love you! To Corey who caused this tonight just because he didn't want to listen to me speak my mind about suicide now he sees what I was saying! Suicide is the only answer when no one cares anymore! So long my friends! May you all live long and may my life left some imprint in yours but don't allow my death to cause you any pain! Don't cry, but laugh, don't weep but smile and don't morn but rejoice that I hurt no more!  

Been a while

This blog is one I've wrote a few times before, but tonight it hit me again! The passing of Robin Williams to the monster called suicide has kept me awake thinking if all the times I've thought, or tried! Once a person reaches a point of no return there and they feel the only way out is suicide there is no helping this person! Because once a person reaches that stage it's too late, they won't reach out they won't ask for help because their mind is made that the only cure is death! Not caring who they hurt, who they leave behind and not caring why they are doing it they just know it's best! Suicide is an easy way out for so many that can't fight the fight any longer! The battle has been won by the defeated person and death is the answer! Sadly, the ones left behind to pick up the pieces are worse off than the one that ended it all! No pills, no drugs, no one can stop a person that's truly got his/her mind set! So many say I wish they would of reached out but I know from experience that when that time comes reaching out isn't on your mind! Personally attempts are the equitation to asking for help! Because if you attempt and fail you failed on purpose because you really wanted someone to help you! The consequences after the attempt shows you that you wasn't really trying! Sadly though the person that attempts and succeeds is the one that might of reached for help time and time and no one took the hints that was laid before them! We as humans sometimes hint and hint but no one believes us until it's too late! Depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse and so on are all reasons why someone might choose suicide! But suicide isn't the answer but really is there a true answer? Some say that if that person would of talked to someone then they'd still be here today! Some say they should of been on medicine to control it. Some say they never say any signs of anything that might of caused this. Point is every person that's thought about suicide has left signs, left clues, left hints, left notes and lastly probably is taking medicine, or talking to a counselor, or even spent time in mental health places! With none of those being the answer they was looking for! So in their mind the only answer is suicide! Suicide can happen to the best of us! It can happen to the ones that look great on the outside but dying inside! The smile, the laughter, the jokes and so on are just for show! They don't show you what's really going on down deep inside! Personally, my smiles and my laughter daily sometimes is to hide the pain the heartbreak the past and even the present state my mind is in! Daily I struggle with PTSD, anxiety, depression and the list goes on! Daily I put a smile on to hide the tears, the pain the want to die feeling! Daily I try to move on like a normal person but I'm dying inside! Daily the thought of just giving up and ending it sometimes seems to be the only way to not hurt to not want to cry and to not want to be alive! But daily I try my best to make the best of the time I have here! But if anyone truly knew what I struggle with day in and day out they could see the pain, the struggle in my eyes and see that my smile is fake! The life I was given isn't the life I would of chose if I'd had a choice! I'd not been diagnosed with RA in 2006, would not of had to quit a job that I truly loved most days in 2010 and I wouldn't be seeing a counselor for my past! All those things wouldn't be if I'd had my choice but it wasn't my choice it was the life I was given! I embrace my past as a stepping stone to my future! Past hurts, past heartaches, past headaches, past bruises are all just a step towards what is yet to come! When the day comes and I leave this earth will be the best day of my life! I'll look back and see what it took to get me to this point and when I'm standing before The Lord for my judgment I truly hope that I see the judgment of the one/s that has caused me to feel like suicide was the answer! Luckily, I have some great supporters, prayer warriors, friends and family that's help keep me a float in the ocean of sharks! They've been there when no one else was, when I truly felt the only way out was the same way that Robin Williams felt today when he ended his life! As you see suicide can happen to anyone, it doesn't care if your rich, famous, poor, homeless, or healthy it can happen to anyone! I challenge you all to always stop and ask someone that might look sad or smiling but you can see that it's not real, ask them are they ok! Let them know your there for them! Reach out to them because so many will not reach out to you!  

How to.....

I was asked by my counselor to write an open ended letter to help others cope with sexual child abuse by a father! I don't even know where to begin! But this is my feelings thus far. 

 

Don't allow it to continue without telling someone and making sure that someone does something about it! Seek professional help before you keep repressing it in the back of your mind! Don't allow anyone to tell you it what fathers, uncles, mothers, brothers, sisters, aunts and so on do with you! Be brave and do what you can to get help! If you have repressed it and it's getting to the point of keeping you awake, keeping your mind bogged down then it's time to seek professional help as in a counselor or someone that's trained to help! Next don't just go one time and don't stop going once it's all out and you feel some what better! Keep going keep going because there are so many things that can keep reoccurring that you need someone to listen to you! Don't give up! I thought most of my life that it was the thing that fathers did because that's what he's said to me so many times! I heard it so much that I believed it! I always thought that it was right! I did what I was suppose to do but my mother was an alcoholic and was afraid of losing that child support that she didn't do anything about it! So I just thought it was right! What more was a child suppose to think! It's sad and yes it hurts it still hurts today! 22 yrs later! I still have sleepless nights or waking up in a panic because I dreamed he was standing over me! It hurts to know that once he was confronted he lied and said he didn't do that! He still denies it but I've learned that I have to allow God to judge him and not me! I've given it to God and I've allowed him to help me ease my mind enough to know that when the day comes and this man passes from this earth that he will be judged and it'll be the happiest day of my life! Because I will never be reminded of it ever again the weight will be lifted from me and it will make me feel better! Daily I struggle to not just chop his dick off and shove it down his throat it's sad that a daughter feels this way about the man that helped create her! All my life I've done for this man just to gain some love from him! It's hard looking back at the things I've done for this man the way I've honored him and looked up to him only to really in the back of my mind know that I hate him! All my life I've looked for love from who ever and what ever would show me or give me! It's not a life that I would of chosen if I could of but it is the life I've been dealt! Sadly, my hand was bad from the beginning and it's gotten better but not best! I truly believe that trapped in this body is a man trying to escape because I've always done manly things, tried to be manly and was taught at an early age to hate men! But I chose to marry when I really should of not! At times I feel like it was a mistake but in the end I did finally find the love that I wanted! I treat him like crap and that's sad on my part and I truly shouldn't but I guess it's something I must work on! I try so hard not to allow my father to rule me but he still sneaks in from time to time! I'm so tired of living at times that I just wish The Lord would take me! It's sad that you ask to die and it's sad that you must try even though you know you won't make it to heaven that way! 

This Letter isn't really a letter it's how I've learned to cope and something's about how to continue to move on!  

A little Poem

This little Poem is what My friend's mom wrote out and I thought Id share..

Now I Lay down to rest after all these pills I have to digest

If I should Die before I wake no more pills ill have to take

Father's Day 2014

We all have a father somewhere out there! Some have a father, some have a mother playing both roles, and some have a dad! I for one has a dad and mother that did both, sadly my dad is just that! He wasn't my idea of a father, he wasn't my idea of much! Dad to me is a man that has kids, sees his kids at allotted time, and sends money monthly! That describes my dad too T. But it took me until I was a little older to realize that because at an early age I thought he was the perfect father! But later I realized he wasn't anything but a perfect father to me and my brother! He saw us when it was his time and then dropped us off and then it was back to his other life being the perfect father to his step kids who where more his kids than his own kids ever was! Even as I've gotten older, married but didn't have kids he's still just a dad! He didn't teach me to drive, he didn't teach me to fish, swim, or anything! He took me dove hunting just so I could go grab the doves! He didn't buy me my first car, he didn't give me my first bike! As you see he's a dad! A father in my idea is one that's teaching their daughters to be strong like a man but have the woman side too! Teaching her to hunt, fish, swim, and all the things that fathers do! He takes her on her first date to teach her how a date should be, he's there when she brings over the boy she wants to date! Only thing my dad did was gave me away at my wedding but he didn't really want too! Father means my mom to me! She was there for all my boo boos all my sickness, all my ups and downs, all my life she took the role! She played it well! So every Father's Day I always call my dad and say happy dad's day and then I call my mom and tell her happy Father's Day! I'm not trying to down my dad but he's not a father to me! A father doesn't do things to their daughter that my father did and that's in an earlier post! When I married I wanted to make Corey a father because I knew he would be the greatest father that his father was! God didn't bless us with kids but you know it's ok because he knew that we was still just kids! So to all real Fathers out there happy Father's Day! And to all mothers that's done it all happy Father's Day too you too!! Peace!

Tornado pictures day of

Been a long time

Where to begin, April 28 I thought that I had lost my house my husband and my life! A tornado ripped thru my little town and took a few homes with it and sparred all of our lives! It's amazing looking back on that day almost a month ago of what was there just the day before that's now nothing is left! It's sad, it's heartbreaking, it's all changed! Nothing is the same, but the lives are still here to rebuild! For a few weeks I hated to walk out my door of my home because I was reminded of that day every time I did! Devastation was the word to describe what it looked like! But I'm moving on just like we all are one day at a time and one moment at a time! The word that day that stands true to this town is Tupelo Spirit! That very day people I didn't even know made sure I was ok! Helped in ways you wouldn't believe! And come from places far from here to help us rebuild, remove debris and help us find a way! It was heart felt and overwhelming at the number of people that stepped up and said I'm here what you need! It's all about the tupelo spirit that runs through this town! Thank you couldn't and can't be said enough to the support, love, care and understanding that was shown! One month ago tomorrow my life and the lives of us all in tupelo changed forever! Just 3 yrs and 1 day from the time that the town of Smithville lost 16 people and their whole town! Tornados don't care where they land they just land! Count your blessings daily and ask God for forgiveness daily because tomorrow isn't promised but today was given!!

I learned a lesson also since my last blog and that's to trust no one with your thoughts, actions or life! Unless you truly know that they are truly who they say they are! I lose a good friend by words that wasn't even spoken by me but was said I said them! She and I worked together for a long time, a year ago her son shot himself and I couldn't bring myself to go to the funeral or the visitation because that friend had shunned me away with out a word of why, or a word of anything! It hurts because when she finally told me why and who said it it hurt me because I was really going to leave my husband for this woman and then she goes behind my back and tells this good friend something that I never said! I've not spoken to the person that lied and it's best I don't! Because I've got a few choice words for her and if I ever see her it's not gonna be pretty! I've yet to see the good friend because I'm not sure I'm ready to face her knowing that she believed someone else and shunned me away for something so stupid! I guess it's not my first time experiencing this but this time it hurt worse! I've moved on and shall not allow this to hold me back any longer! Peace bitch! 

I also realized that my husband no matter how much I might hate him at times I truly down deep inside love him! He's my world and I'm trying my best to make me his world! I was talking to a woman and had fallen for her but I realized really quick that the feelings wasn't mutual! She got married to the man she had been with for a little while all the while telling me she wasn't sure she's ever marry him!! Then she found a new friend and started pulling away from me but she says it's because I said I just couldn't cheat on my husband is why she pulled away! Well the truth came out and I knew all along what the problem was! I pulled away when she married him because I didn't want to come in between him and her! But really I wasn't the one she wanted I guess because now she's not with her husband and she so in love with this other woman! It's ok because it taught me a lesson that my first priority should be my husband! So peace to you too! 

I have a friend from my hometown that I've known since I lives there! He and I would talk when I worked at the grocery store or we would chat at his place of business when I'd be in there visiting someone! We wasn't close but we have since became close! I honestly can't say that without him, and my counselor I wouldn't be here today! I was going down a hill so fast it wasn't even funny! I have to say that missy did help some too but Corey acted like it was no big deal so what your depressed your falling off the cliff! But back to Chris! He's amazing he's what I call my best guy friend! He listens to me bitch about Corey! He's not out to screw me and I'm not out to screw him! I've listened to him talk about his job and sometimes his home life! Although come to think of it I don't know much about it! But that's ok! He cares enough to notice when I'm having a bad day to text or message me and say hey what's wrong are you ok! Not just anyone will do that not even my family! But you know that's another story too! Life is about living it and not worrying about what others think! Because if you waste your time worrying about what others think then you've wasted your precious time that you could of spent doing something you love! 

I guess that's all blog!! Good night!!

Water, Fish, Lure, Crickets

To some fishing is a sport, to me fishing is a time to be one with myself and to give my mind time to work out things that need working out! Today as I sit in the boat in the lake I had time to be me and enjoy some of what is given to me daily! It's a time that I don't feel the pain, I don't care about my looks, I don't care about who sees me! I don't feel like giving up! It's a time that I have no feelings about much of anything! It's also a time to look back at how far I've come and think about how far I gotta go! Although today I didn't look ahead and say damn I got a long ways to go, I said Thank You a Lord for helping me to get this far! I looked back on where I was a year ago and saw that person that I'd become and then I looked further back and saw the person that was raging and the person that was plowing down the world one word at a time. I saw that person today and I looked that person right in the eye and I said back away devil I shall not walk that road again. I finally stood up to the devil! Standing up is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life! I've always lived by If I've got it then you can gave it but it's time I take a stand and stand up! I was challenged today in my mind to take the life I had and compare it to the life I have now! The comparisons are so far apart that it's hard to tell if there was really a life in between! I was walking hand and hand with the devil himself, no doubt in my mind he was pushing me to be that person I was and when I stepped off that wagon and joined hands with The Lord I've realized this life is far better than the last life! So I challenge myself daily to walk a little closer with The Lord! And I will not allow the devil to take me down the dark alley and betray to me as the right path! Also today allowed me see that I am still here because I didn't give up! I'm still here because it's not my time to go, I'm still here to inspire others that being strong isn't just psychical strength but it's a mental strength and a emotional strength as well! With out those two you might not see that your stronger than your weakest moment! Be who you are and don't be afraid to dance in the rain! Peace,love and happiness! 

"Don't look up!"

As I'm reading this book of inspiration one story was don't look up at how far you have to go but look back at how far you've come! As most that read this blog can see from my other blog post I've come along way from where I was! And I was always looking up and thinking I'll never make it! Well, I'm not where I really wanna be but looking back I've come so far that I'm very proud of my progress! I still have a journey to continue on and I'll still have more steps to take but with each new waking hour I know I'm one step closer to the goal I've set! Depression can literally kill a person it takes away every little bit of hope, life and joy out of you with out you really knowing it! Really you know even know it until sometimes it's too late! Luckily I had a good support group to help me see that I losing ground and that I needed to seek help! With out being able to go to someone that didn't know one thing about me and telling her all about me has helped me to see that I am someone and I am the person I wanna be! No I'm not saying my depression is gone cause that's a lie! But what I am saying is that the demons that controlled me has lost control and I've taken my life back out of their power! It feels good to stand up to the demons and show that they no I longer control my mind, my body, my thoughts or my actions! When I realized that the very people that brought me into this world was the ones controlling me and that I had every right to stop it and I did stop it made me feel like the queen! As I continue to grow and enjoy the new life I have I'll always look back and say you've come along ways! Sexuality is still a temptation that I have sometimes a hard time controlling but I can say that I've not had sex with a female, kissed a female since like December of 2012 or jan of 2013 can't remember but it's been well over a year and no I didn't get a reward no I don't need a certificate but as a recovering alcoholic would say every day sober is a better day than a day drunk! Every day living on this side of the fence is a better day than living on the other! I'm tempted but when I'm asked or tempted I refuse to give in! I've turned my life back to the Man that died for my sins and the one that bears the sins of us all The Lord and savior Jesus Christ! As I try to grow spiritually I try my best to continue to live for me and grow for myself! I don't miss that life of lies, secrets and regrets because now I have nothing to hide and never will again! Living another life outside my marriage was the hardest part of my life! It put all the gray hairs in my head and it made me feel like a raging bull in a china shop! It's sad that I tortured my husband, my family and even the ones that I was messing with! But with my life going the way it's going now I feel much better about who I am! "Don't look up, but look back!" My new motto! I'll never look up the hill I'm climbing but I'll always look back and say wow you did it! Peace! 

Mind racing

Well blog it's been a while but I think it's time to just call it quits! Peace

Compassionate

com·pas·sion·ate

kəmˈpaSHənət/

adjective

1. 1.

   feeling or showing sympathy and concern for others.

   synonyms:

   sympathetic, empathetic,understanding, caring,solicitous, sensitive, warm,loving;

   Wish my husband had this ugh. 

Memories

It's amazing how one text, one message or just one word can bring up so many memories of days gone by and water under the bridge! I miss those days and the people in the memories! This is weird to some but maybe someone reading it can relate! I was playing words with friends and one of the words a friend played was fart and yes that's a funny word but it brought up a memory that made me smile! Cause it was one that I truly had thought was stored deep! But anyways enough about that! On to another things as the days get longer the more my mind wonders off to a far away place! It's been awhile since I've wondered this far away! It hurts to know that I've chosen this path and I might never walk that path again! I'm missing having that person on the other side of the fence! Main reason I miss that person is cause I'm longing for someone to hold me! It might sound crazy but when I'm depressed al I want is someone to hold me and play with my hair or just rub my back nothing sexual just truly hold me like I'm a little kid! It's sad that I don't have that with my husband cause he feels it's all about sex! I just sometimes wanna tell him I'm going to find me a woman to hold me! But I know he's gonna think I'll fall in love then I'll start cheating again! But really that's not what I feel like! I honestly believe that I might be passed that part then again it's not like it's a light switch! But truly I wish I could find just someone to hold me! Peace

When you feel blue!!!!!!

There's a slight breeze blowing, a nice gentle one the sun is shining the birds are chirping why must you feel so blue! Well many things happen in a persons life that know one knows! The past few weeks I've gone thru a deep depression I'm slowly coming out of it! I feel as if I was just sad cause aunt Brenda passed but then come to thank if it I've bend sad for a while now! Thinking back I see that my sadness comes from the inability to do anything!  My knees hurt my body hurts! Sometimes I just wanna Give up! Giving up is easy way out! I've never given up on anything in my life and dont plan to start at this moment either! I shall continue on and I will get passed this! Beautiful day for a swing! Yelp that's where I am! 

Gardening 2014

A few weekends ago Corey built me a raised garden bed! I was so excited cause now I don't have to bend over to keep the garden! I've got it all planned out and today we added the dirt and potting soil! And planted the things we had planted inside to start sprouting we added them to the garden bed! We've had so much fun but it's work lots of work! I'm excited hope I have lots of stuff! Anyways few pictures of my garden! 

Brenda Palmertree

Gone too early! We never know when our time will come that the trumpet will sound and The Lord will call us home! We never know why he decides to take the ones he does! But on March 1, 2014 at 3:26am The Lord called my precious aunt Brenda home to be reunited with her long lost father and a brother that was taken to early too! I have so many memories of her and so many times I wish we would of gotten more time with each other! A wonderful down to earth person and one that loved life no matter what the circumstances where! She faces life with an open mind and heart and took what ever The Lord threw at her to test her or just to see how much she could stand! She's gone from this earth and gained a heavenly body free of pain, free of strife and free of drama! She loved collecting arrow heads and I remember the best time of my childhood was trekking the trace I'm search of arrow heads! I wish I knew now what they meant to her and what she's done with them over the years! I feel certain she's was seated at the right hand of The Lord tonight having a heavenly supper! I feel like heaven gained another soul that will brighten everyone's day! Not only do I know have several angels watching over me! First was my grandmother Langham, she was my best friend, she loved me for me and I loved her for her, second was my uncle Paul Ray he was the closes thing to a grandfather I ever had! He taught me how to play cards, he taught me how to honor and respect others always! Next was memaw my step grandmother who accepted me into her family like I had always been there!  Always knew when I needed a good laugh and would call me at that moment! Next is my aunt Jeanette aka gruddy she had an infectious smile that would light up a room when she entered! She knew how to have a good time! And last but not least of the few that I've mentioned is aunt Brenda! Wow, where do I begin! She had a laugh that when you heard it you would always know it was her! She loved life and lived life to the fullest! Never failing to say I love you no matter what! She's a hero in my eyes for accepting that life was one to be cherished and one that is to be lived with out regrets! May all these and the rest that's gone before me rest in heavenly peace! I've got many more and so many gone too young! Uncle Tommy, Cousin Jimmy, Cousin Lisa, Aunt Sue, great Aunt kris, and so many more that I can't think of at the moment! Some I never got to meet! Some I wish I could of! And sometimes I wish heaven had a road of a bean stalk like in jack and the bean stalk cause id climb that bean stalk just to see then once again! But you know when someone passes it's not a good bye it's a see you soon or so long! I left out one angel that took me in his heart and allowed me to marry is son! He was stubborn, love able, caring and stubborn! He had a sense of humor that sometimes would make you blush and others make you laugh so hard you'd piss your pants! Ol' Jody he was a brave ol' soul that was set in his ways! I hope that aunt Brenda gets to meet him in heaven cause them too will be fun to be around! Good night world! My mind is at ease that I know I'll see them again! 

Wind blowing

Sitting outside before the storms roll in, listening to the wind blow, dogs bark, train roll through, and kids getting off school bus! It takes me back to a time not long ago well maybe it is long ago! A time when I was sitting on my grandmother front porch with her! Talking about soap operas or just life in general! It makes me miss her more and more but I know I have an angel in heaven that's been watching me since 2001 when she gained her wings! It's amazing how much I reflect back on that's happened since that day and how much I wish I could just take a trip to see her and just hear her voice one more time! I know she's walking and probably already fattened up everyone up in heaven with her home cooking and cakes! Life seemed so simple back then and now it seems so complicated at times that it feels like I might never do enough to make anyone proud! At time it seems like all the good I do no one notices but I mess up one time and it last in there minds forever! I might never be the perfect person anyone wants me to be but I am who I am and I'll always be me! Learning to control my anger has been my biggest challenge in my life! Learning to direct it where it goes and not at who is standing in from of me has been hard! Life sometimes throws rocks, stones, oranges, lemons and you name it at me! But I've learned that you have to accept what's thrown and just move on! Not hard for some but for me it's been hell! All my life I've been a fighter for something I've wanted! But then you know now I feel like giving up! It's not worth it anymore why keep on! That's when I think about how much fight my grandmother gave and how much she taught me to keep going no matter how much it hurt or how bad I felt! So what do I do! I keep going! I push thru I keep pushing until every once of energy is gone! Yea I'm not one to quit and I'm not about to start now! Wind blowing and birds chirping thank you lord for a glorious day! 

Unhappy Valentines day

Today the day that most people show the world tell there significant other just how much they love them! Do something special out of the ordinary and make them feel as if they are wanted! Well, I did just that last night I couldn't sleep for thinking of a way to show Corey that it came from the heart! I got up at 8 am and started working on a card handmade by me! I worked hard coming up with what to say and how to word it and stuff and just a little something to say hey I might not show it daily but I really do down deep inside of me love you! He walks in door empty handed and first laughs at the card but some parts was funny and I say did you see the two notes and all I did for you? He said no I guess I didnt! He reads the note and says aww baby I love you and acted like he was gonna cry! That made me tear up! I didn't think anything about him not bring me something into living room I thought well he's got it in kitchen and it'll be a surprise! So I get up and I write out the check for camper payment and he says something about going to eat and I said yea that's fine but that's a given every Friday we go to lunch! Still thinking I'm gonna walk in kitchen and there's gonna be my surprise! So I turn to him and I say where's my valentines surprise? He said I thought I'd take you to lunch and we would go see that movie I wanna see! I didn't pick you up anything! Devastated was an understatement to the overwhelming feeling I felt! It truly felt like my heart literally fell to the ground and shattered in a million pieces! I felt worthless, useless, unwanted, unloved! I didn't do the card to expect something in return I did it as a token of me thinking about him! Yes I had hoped he would of came home with something saying hey baby I love you and this isn't much but let's go eat and go to a movie or just whatever you want! The saying actions speak volumes and words speak nothing! Well that's the honest truth! All day I've waited for him to try I've waited for him to surprise me! Nothing not one thing! So yes needless to say I'm heartbroken, the last time I was this heartbroken was April 16, 2001 at 6:45am when my grandmother took her last breath! As he sees that it's upset me I explain to him how I feel and why I feel! He said what's gonna make it better I guess nothing cause your mad and upset! I said well maybe you need to leave and come back and let's start this all over! 13 valentines and the only one I've never gotten anything from him! If even it was just a card that he picked up in a hurry! I've always gotten something! So I've decided that from now on it's just another day like Christmas, Easter, Halloween, 4th of July, Labor Day, Memorial Day and all the above! Those days have meaning but those days to me are just another day! They really hold no value to me at all anymore! I wish now I could skip it all! Maybe I will this year, I'll just sleep thru them all! I know that it's petty but the smallest thing might mean more than anything in this world!! 

Been too freaking damn long!!

Don't know why I ain't posted shit oh wait yes I do got fucking caught up in ancestry stuff and just forgot a lot of things! Fuck it! That's how I feel but I'll post more later! 

Happy birthday mamaw

On this glorious day in 1924 my grandmother was born! In April of 2001 she left this earth and gained her heavenly body! That day will live with me for the rest of my life! I miss her dearly, she's missed so much in my life that I know she would of loved to share with me! The memories I have are all that's left, cause it seems that everyone lost all her pictures and other worldly things! Never does a day go by that at some point in my day she doesn't make her presence known! Just today I was watching tv and as I was flipping thru the channels young and the restless was on and my remote quit working at that moment! I knew it was her cause that show was her favorite! She always made sure she was done doing what ever she had to do at 11 am every day! I said mamaw you know I don't care about this show and for 5 mins I couldn't get my remote to work! So I sat there and I watched the whole thing! It's amazing how the little things being up the fondest memories! Over Christmas as I was eating moms dressing I looked over by the stove where mom was standing and as I looked I saw my mamaw standing there! I did a double take and I just smiled and nodded and looked back at my plate cause I knew my mamaw was telling me she was there! The things we did, the laughs we had, the moments I take for granted now are moments id gladly do all over again! From getting up at 6 am to pick blackberries in the middle of the summer, or trying to walk to town and her shitting her pants, to the cows chasing us back to her house! Those things make me smile and I know she's reading this cause I just felt a slap on the back and I heard her say you better not say I shit my pants! Lol this woman was the only person that understood me! She and I was like two peas in a pod! Thanks mamaw for the memories that I cherish and oh how I wish I could be enjoying a big slice of Carmel cake with you right now! I can smell it baking! Yummy!! I love you mamaw and remember one day we will meet again! Happy Birthday beautiful!! 

Answers

Answers from: Monday, December 30, 2013

Mother from book answers later

• what is my relationship with this person like? Very estranged, feels like nonexistence  

• how do I feel about the relationship? I'm sad that I don't have a mother!

• have I told this person what happened to me? Yes I've told her and she's just said I haven't forgotten you!  Is he or she supportive of my healing? She seems to be supportive but then we don't talk about it either

• how do I feel when we talk or spend time together? Sad! I want the mother daughter relationship but not there

• do I take more drugs, drink more alcohol, or eat too much or too little when I'm around this person? I eat more when I'm around this person

• does this person criticize me, insult me, or hurt my feelings? She does hurt my feelings 

• how do I feel after a visit? Depressed? angry? Like I'm crazy? Nurtured and supported? Relaxed? Basically okay but not great? I'm usually depressed, angry and ok but not great! 

• what kind of relationship would I like to have with this person? The perfect mother daughter one

• what would have to happen for this relationship to improve? Not sure unless I just write her out of my life or she writes me out of hers cause it seems that she's happy with just 2 kids 

Saying goodbye

It's hard to say goodbye when we lose loved ones, or friends and even animals! But saying good bye to someone that was once a close friend has been the hardest thing I've ever done! Letting go of a friendship and letting go of the times, memories and other things that we might of shared! I feel it's the best but I also feel that I wish I could have it all back! But no matter what I'll always remember the good times and hopefully one day out paths will cross again! If they don't then it wasn't Gods will for us to be friends! Along time ago my grandmother said "Christy no matter how many friends you have, if you don't love yourself you can't love your friends!" I'm slowly learning to love myself and be me and as I do this transition it's gonna be hard on others to watch! But one thing is for sure I've come up far to look back now! I've walked to far down the lonely road to turn around now! One thing I will not tolerate is "a friend" that doesn't accept me for me! I'm human just like everyone else but one thing that's different is I'm stronger than most! Not physically but emotionally I am! Anyways, good bye my friend! May 2014 be better than any year yet! Don't let anyone get you down! So long and Peace, Love and Crab Legs!! 

2014

The new year came in with a bang on my body! My knees and lower legs are killing me! And I've made a resolution to be honest with everyone if you ask or don't ask I'm gonna be honest! No more sugar coating things! No more biting my tongue and no more holding back! This year is the year if you don't like what I gotta say then find the exit off the train now! Your only one day into the 365 day ride! It's not a roller coaster it's not a carousel it's the ride you might not wanna take! I started healing from trauma from my childhood finally last year and I'm truly ready to move on! Ready to be a new woman! Ready to see what life is like outside the fog I've lived in for years! My story might not be your story but one thing I've learned is we all have a story to tell and we all are strong and we all are worth something! Your life should never end for stupid reasons!! Never give up never fall down and never allow anyone to tell you that your not worth living! Cause you are! Your better than most and what happened in your story isn't your fault! Be free, run wild and be safe for the new year! Peace