One Year ago....

One year ago I was sitting in room 246 at the VA hospital in Memphis, TN watching a man that God gave me 8 great years with.. A man that got the best birthday present anyone could ever ask for, and that was to meet our creator. He fought a good fight, and wasn't until he knew we was all in the room with him did he take his final breathe. It was a day that Ill never forget and a day that will be forever etched in my memory, I miss his smile and the way he always said there was something wrong with me cause I didn't eat Turnip greens and Cabbage. It just doesn't seem like a year ago we laid this man down to his final resting place. The cancer doesn't discriminate it doesn't care who you are or what youve been thru. He served 2 tours of duty in Vietnam, not only did he lose many of his friends but he went back again to find all his fallen brothers.. He got the burial that any man should long for and finally got the welcome home that many of them didn't get when they came off that plane.. He got the welcome home that all vietnam vets should of recieved but didn't and he got to meet the creator. He is watching over us all now but the wanting to see his face again doesn't  make it hurt less nor does the fact that hes not here with us today make it hurt less. I went with Corey, Derek and Ms. Betty this afternoon to the cemetery and it just doesn't seem like its been a year. Tuesday is a day that Ill probably cry because its the day that not on is his birthday but his death day.. May 1, 1947 he was born and he lived a pretty good life. He raised 4 kids and they all seem to have a pretty good head on there shoulders.. May 1, 2o11 was his finally day here on in this earth. 11:48pm he took his final breath with his family standing around him and Brody or Derek one holding his hand. That day we will never forget and never will another day take the place of that day unless its my mom or my dad. But when that day comes that My dad does die he will get he burial that he deserves too. He will get a full military burial with full military honors. Trust me its a long burial but its worth every minute of it. I miss Jody today and I cried today because if i could see his smiling face one more time.. Even in the final hours he smiled for us one last time. That smile is something that will forever be etched in my memory. Well, blog thru my tear filled eyes its hard to see to type this so i guess i need to get off here and go to bed. Good night blog and PEace.. Miss you Jody and see you soon..

Head pounding but need to release something!

Laying here with a pounding headache and stomach ache! Today was infusion day and I feel my normal crappy self after it!! Just don't get this one thing, that's gotten my mind on a rolling roller coaster!! It's called a female!! Not just any female but one that I don't see often enough! She's got me so wrapped up I don't know if I know which way we are going! But I need someone tonight to rub my head and stomach and no one will! Damn am I that non pretty I guess so since Corey comes home talking about the girl that checked him out at Walmart looking hot! He's never told me! If only he knew how that makes a woman feel maybe he'd do it more often but really I don't care cause he's not into me like that! I should of stayed away when I left in December!! But I do love him but really in truly not in love with him! Sad but true I don't think he's in love with me either! I truly think if we hadn't taken a loan out to pay off some bills back in october then he wouldn't wanted me to come back but he can't pay the loan payment alone so he needed me!! I just guess that maybe I'm only good for what I do for him and nothing more! Peace blog I feel better!!

To save a life!!

Was a really good movie, I think everyone should watch it cause it brings meaning to what I've thought about, what I've done and what I've written out! I used to be a cutter, yelp I didn't cut my wrist I'd cut my legs just because I didn't want people to see them! There healed now, but the emotional scar is still there! I've threatened to shot my self but I just don't feel I ever could pull the trigger, I've done stupid stuff like take a lot of pills but ive always woke up with the sweats or a bad headache or something like that!! I know if I continue to do that it could be one day I don't wake up! That's the day I long for sometimes! The day that everyone sees the scars they've caused me, sees the emotional pain I've been in for years, and sees why I really have to take all these meds! That day could be today, maybe that's why I lay awake and think about the things I think about! Maybe this blog site will be told to my mom and dad the day I leave this world so they can see what there little girl lived thru! Maybe someone will tell Corey about it and he can see what really is going on, maybe someone reading this will stop and think before they take their life!! I'm a lot of talk cause anyone that's suicidal holds the power in there hand to finish the job! But it's only cause we don't wanna finish the job is why we are still here! If I only had thought about the things I've said or done over my 34 years then I think a few things I would of done differently! If my mom or dad would of thought about how they pushed me on to others all the time a long time ago I might not hate them like I do! Don't get me wrong I love em but I hate em too!! If they'd taken that few mins that they took with my brother or sister or step brother or step sister then I might of wouldn't had to resort to cutting, suicidal thinking, and taking pills! It's been a long time since I've really had a few mins with my mom just her and I with out a fight or someone getting mad! I couldn't tell you when, nor can I tell you the last time I've sat and talked to my dad about something other than my brother!! I can't tell you the last time I've talked to Corey about anything other than what he's watching or work!! Yelp it's not an easy world I live in nor is it an easy life I've lived!! One day might just be too late to start over!! One day might be too short to call me, or talk to me!! Today you had a chance, tomorrow you may not!! But it's been their choice to lead the life they have and we all make stupid choices in our lives, but when we move on and forgive those stupid choices is when we see that life is about making decisions!! If only mom and dad had thought about those stupid choices before it was too late! I guess they didn't know or really care! Cause alcohol and/or men or women were more important!! So with this being said, I hope I make it out alive but if I don't then consider this my final good bye! Peace

No title suits this post

To say the least I'm in horrible pain! But I guess it'll be ok cause it's just mother nature!! She's being a bitch again, and I'm bout ready to do surgery!! Yelp I'm gonna perform surgery!! Naw not really!! But the other day I went and spent some time with missy and we played on computer and talked and then I went to get my hair cut!! Being away from home seems to make my mood better but being at home makes me miss being away!! I think it's about time for a break from reality so to speak!! A break that I need a get away from life!! Think it's about that time!! Well I'm just another lonely person in this mixed up world! Got emotions and feelings that are as mixed up as a bag of m&ms! It's sad that the one thing you want you can't have and the one thing you have you don't want!! That's how I feel right now!! I guess as my mom used to say I can want in one hand and shit in other!! But that's ok cause one day I'll have what I want and I'll be happy!! It seems like yesterday I was sitting beside my grandmothers bed and she was saying christy I'm ready to go home and I kept saying well Mamaw close your eyes and go on home!! April 16, 2001 she went home and I miss her more than I've ever missed anything in my life!! She was my rock many times and many times she saved my ass from the belt!! But I know she's watching down from heaven over me!! She knows that I miss her but she's so much better off!! Never does a time go by that I don't think of the times we had, the memories flood my mind at times but those memories are the part that keep me going daily! She never gave up and never will I!! Only one thing I've given up on in my life and I ain't fully gave up on it yet is my marriage! I fight daily cause I do love him but something isn't right, and something is still missing!! Not really sure what's missing other than the fact that it's not really what I want! That's all I can think of, but it's hard to fix trust and forgiveness in someone! It's hard to regain that! But you know I hope one day that I might! Well blog I guess I've said enough! Peace!!!

Sitting here

As my wonders I think of all the times that I wish I had another chance or another word that would make all the bad seem so right! I just wish that when I'm alone I really didn't feel alone!! When others are around sometimes I still feel alone!! I guess it's just me but I know that one day I'm gonna say the wrong thing! But as it stands at this moment I'm fairly happy with my life! Can't complain cause really no one cares anyways!! It's just a waste of my breathe!! That's what my grandmother always said!! Ive opened up to someone and I'm not sure they know how to take it!! Hmm maybe I was a little too blunt or too stating the oblivious!! But you know that's me like, love it or fuck it!! You take the choice you want! Matter of fact it's getting about that time to have a good one night stand or as they say now days a good fuck!! Been since sometime last year since I've had well never mind!! That's too much info for you to read!! But you know it's getting that time again!! I guess it might be a long time cause I'm looking for the right one!! Been hurt too many times to just give it up to anyone!! But I guess then it wouldn't be just a piece of ass huh!! So you know a piece of ass sounds good!! Hehe!! Yelp I had a few to drink tonight and I'm feeling pretty damn good right about now!! I guess since I heard the dryer go off its my cue to go to bed! Was waiting on it cause I need something that's in it!! Mind is really wondering now huh!! But it's all good!! If anyone really knew what was on my mind at every given second of the day they'd be shocked sometimes!! I caught myself today really going down memory lane! It hurt to watch it all play out again! But I guess that's why it's a memory and not a future thought!! I've loved two women in my life and both are good friends today!! I couldn't ask for better friends even though I got hurt and I'm sure I hurt them too!! There's another woman that I've fallen for but it's not that serious yet!! She's never told me she loved me back! I've only slipped one time and told her!! My first love showed me the attention and affection I needed! My second love gave me affection and attention but could make me cry when I left her and could make me laugh!! But I guess really both of them did!! Missy and Natasha both gave me something I was missing!! Both I still love and always will love!! Both have moved on!! One moved on but got hurt again and other moved on and found the right one!! Ive told them both I support what ever they do!! That's just me though!! I've moved on too but still have moments that I think about them on occasion!! Things we did that triggers a memory!! It's the little things that no one sees that brings that smile to my face or that tear to my eye!! But life's to short to live in memories but we must continue on and hope for the best in the end!! Lisa gives me attention and she's not very affectionate but I don't see her enough I guess to be shown her affectionate side! I told her one day that I was gonna kidnap her and then I said you probably wouldn't go with me she replied with how u know lol!! But until that day comes I may never know!! Well blog I guess I'll close tonight!! I'm sure someone will read this post and I hope they do!! Missy, Natasha and Lisa I love you all!! Peace!!

If only...

If only there was more hours in the day, more love than hate and more equal rights than none equal rights!! Those things are things I think about when I have idle time and when I feel like I need to use my brain for something other than none sense!! It's been brought to my attention that others read my blog and others might have a little bit to say about the things I write about!! What I say here is the things that I think the feelings I feel and the words that fill this page isnt something you like then don't read it!! Got an email just a few moments ago from someone that I do not know and if I ever find the person I will slap the shit out of them!! The email read: I came across your blog via a friend of mines blog and I read some of your post and I want you to know that your the stupidest person that's ever written a blog, you have no use writing things that mean nothing to anyone and from now on do us all a favor and shut the fuck up!! Now I don't know who it was but they got a nice little email back!! Well not nice but an email back!! What I fill this page with doesn't have anything to do with you and if you don't like it then y did you take the time to read all my blogs or you said you read them all!! I mean really!!! Well, on another note I don't care if that person reads this or not!! But what I do care about is flagging my post as spam!! I'm not adverstising stuff nor am I reviewing products!! I'm just putting my feelings on paper!! That's all for now blog!! Peace

No subject!!

Laying here on the couch watching tv and my mind is thinking about all the times I've had to find that diamond in the rough!! It's been a long day for me, not sure why I feel so down last couple of days! Maybe I need to take my meds I haven't been taken it cause I just forget to take them!! I need to get up and get out of my house, I need more friends! Cause I need someone to motivate me to get out and do things!! When you have someone that doesnt care about doing anything but sitting at home watching tv!! I miss one of my friends that we use to have a great time!! Just laughing and eating subway!! She text me on occasion and we talk but haven't seen each other since December!! But you know one day maybe we will see each other again!!! Then the other one that I've been falling in love with has been a little distant lately and she says she's dealing with shit and I understand that! I just got to let go and see where it takes us!! I know she's still in love with her ex and she's having a hard time letting go but I feel she's just hoping for a miracle and the ex will come back to her!! But you know it might happen but then again it might not happen!! I've been pretty caught up in a lot of emotions but I guess one day it'll be in front of my face and I'll be able to see what happiness really is! I miss my grandmother cause she would listen to me and just say its gonna be ok! I miss my friend Margie too she's been so wrapped up with her husband being in a nursing home that we don't get to talk that much!! Then my mom is acting an ass and I just don't have many ppl that I can talk to any more! Can't talk to Corey cause he says that's it's all about the sex! It's not all about sex!! Me and Lisa have seen each other a couple of times and the way she makes me feel like I'm wanted, and she holds me like I want to be held! Well I guess that I just need to move on, and see what my life has in store for me!!!! Peace blog!! Until next time!!!!!

Gives up

Finding happiness in this broken world is like finding a needle in a haystack! You ain't gonna find it unless you make it yourself! I'm tired of being everyones go to when they need this or that but when I need something everyone is too busy! But today has come and I miss you still! I saw a sign that once that read missing someone is ok as long as you see them soon! Makes your next visit better cause distance sometimes makes the heart grow fonder! These words that fill this blank page are useless letters but together to form this blog! A friend once told me that she had thought about blogging but wasn't sure she could be as open and public as me! Well I don't care anymore and what your reading is my thoughts! I guess that it's just me but blogging for allows my brain to take a break and fill a blank page with useless letters! Never have I ever thought that I might be a breast cancer person but I got distrusting news the other day and it's scared me a little!! The high risk meds I've been on and am one for my RA has caused breast cancer in some women! But I know it's just another obstacle to cross but it doesn't make me not worry! But I can't let this get me down because I've come to far to fall back in a hole again!! I've been a little down the past few days but I think it's just my world seems to be going in to a tail spin!! I guess there's times I think that I just need to give up then there's so many telling me I can't! Well world heres to the end! It's that time I'm done!! Peace out!!!!

Gives up

Finding happiness in this broken world is like finding a needle in a haystack! You ain't gonna find it unless you make it yourself! I'm tired of being everyones go to when they need this or that but when I need something everyone is too busy! But today has come and I miss you still! I saw a sign that once that read missing someone is ok as long as you see them soon! Makes your next visit better cause distance sometimes makes the heart grow fonder! These words that fill this blank page are useless letters but together to form this blog! A friend once told me that she had thought about blogging but wasn't sure she could be as open and public as me! Well I don't care anymore and what your reading is my thoughts! I guess that it's just me but blogging for allows my brain to take a break and fill a blank page with useless letters! Never have I ever thought that I might be a breast cancer person but I got distrusting news the other day and it's scared me a little!! The high risk meds I've been on and am one for my RA has caused breast cancer in some women! But I know it's just another obstacle to cross but it doesn't make me not worry! But I can't let this get me down because I've come to far to fall back in a hole again!! I've been a little down the past few days but I think it's just my world seems to be going in to a tail spin!! I guess there's times I think that I just need to give up then there's so many telling me I can't! Well world heres to the end! It's that time I'm done!! Peace out!!!!

Sitting outside thinking!!

Sitting outside in my swing with my dogs just a swinging!! It's a beautiful day and just wish I had someone that would enjoy my swing with me besides me dogs!! They are good company but if only someone enjoyed it like I do!! I wish I was able to sleep in my swing like I used to!! But I guess my body just doesn't want me to do much of nothing!! So here I sit all alone enjoying the spring time niceness and the birds chirping!! And looking at the grass that didn't get mowed under my swing and in the flower boxes that brother in law did that's got nothing but weeds in it now!! Such a waste to a beautiful place that once was taken pride in but now doesn't care!! I just not capable of doing the things I used to could do!! Ugh!! Peace for now

As my mind wonders to far depths of the world it makes me feel like its racing again down a speeding track! It's about time for me to soak up some sun and sand! It's time for me to get away from this house for a while!! Easter really got me thinking and got me to seeing that the only person that can make me feel wanted and happy is myself!! Ive lost that feeling that I've had that I love myself!! I've lost that feeling that I'm who I am because I'm here!! I wasn't loved like I should of been growing up but I can't let that stop me from showing and giving my love to others!! It's just gotta figure out who and when and who is willing to accept it!!! You must pick and choose who's the right person to receive it!!!! But the person that gets it must be willing to accept me for who I am and what I stand for and that's to be me without any regrets or any regards to life and live like its our last days!! Just time will tell whos the lucky person!! I've said it a couple times that I've missed someone and I really have!! I miss our chats and our times we spent together!! I guess that the more time apart the better the time will be when we see each other again!! You know that time is the most evil thing that we deal with on daily basis!!! Now is the time to be who we are and who we wanna be!! If your game then come along for the ride!! Its not a easy ride nor is it a no bumpy ride cause it is!!! You know that it's time to live your life to the fullest and leave the ones that don't make you happy or lead you on!! And pick up the ones that actually care and aren't leading you on!! You know it takes a big step to leave behind the ones that you need to leave and pick the ones that are good for you!! My lastest counseling session was a great one!! I've decided to start more one on one counseling cause there's a lot in my head that I must get out in the open!!! The PTSD is killing me as of late and he just doesn't quiet understand that I can't do the things that he's wants!!! Well it's been something that I don't like to discuss!! But he knows what it is and it's something that I care nothing about!! But life will go on!!!! Well good night blog and yes I still miss someone! I still miss her and I still love someone that I've loved a long time!!!!! Peace!!!!!!!!!

Grillin and Chillin

Sitting outside with the grill going and the birds chirping playing in the fresh cut grass!! Occasional train horn and dog barking makes life in the city something to remember as we get older!! 

Easter

If you truly knew how I felt you wouldn't act the way you did today! It hurts to feel so unwanted in your house! I felt like I didn't belong and was a stranger! The times that I need you most you choose to treat me like a lost stranger! I ask you for one day and you reply with well maybe one day! But every weekend your with the other one! It hurts to know that I'm not wanted and as the tears flow my eyes when Corey walked in tonight and you don't even care! I see that I'm nothing but a piece of trash on your foot! It's ok that you've walked over me most of my life! It's ok that I only exist when no one else is around! Well I'm tired of being the one you throw away like a trash bag! I'm tired of being the one your can't find a few mins to spend just you and I!! But you know it'll be a very very long time before I step foot in your house or spend my time waiting on you to become free! So from this moment on you've lost your middle child oh I forgot you threw me away a long time ago!! It's ok theres others to pick up the pieces! Just like all the times before! Someone came behind you and picked up where you left off! It's ok I'll just let it go and never to pick it up again! Worse Easter I've ever had in my whole 34 yrs! Ugh! 

But thanks to missy and Margie for listening to me vent! It feels good to know someone gives a shit about me! And that I have someone that cares enough about me to wanna say I want you! It feels good to be loved by ones that didn't have to love me but a long time ago chose to! It also feels great to hear I love you from the ones that matter! I guess that it wasn't bad after all! But I will say that it's been a day that I'm proud is about over! Good night world! I miss you!!! I love you!! And wish you was here with me!! Peace!!

Easter

This time of year is harder and harder as the years pass since you've been gone! There is a reminder of you everyday now that I have my tattoo! It's been a long time coming but I did it to remind me of you daily! I miss you more than the words that fill this page! Never does a problem come up that I wish you was here to help me solve! Mamaw I need you more now than I've ever needed you! I need to hear you say christy it's gonna be ok!! I need to hear you say you know you've gained some weight since I last saw you!! I need your loving arms wrapped around me, your lemon pie in my fridge and the smell of carmel cake cooking in the kitchen! I need you here with me to guide me and direct me down the right road! Mamaw your my inspiration to keep living and my hope for tomorrow!! Never once did you ask to be where you was nor did you ask to be so sick but now your walking the streets of gold and visiting with all the ones that's gone on to join you!! Mamaw I love you and happy Easter in heaven one more time!! Tell Jody we miss him and wish we could see that smile one more time!! May y'all have the best meal, and remember us down here are looking for signs, that you are with us!! Thanks for the rainbow the other day it was beautiful and I know y'all helped us catch those fish! With out y'all we wouldn't enjoy our time!! I love you all!! Peace!!!



Now with all that said, 2 wks ago I walked in the tattoo place told the woman what I wanted and got branded with something that's been a long time coming!! Thanks to my best friend Marty for all her help!! Now I'm missing someone that I saw that day 2 wks ago!! Someone that I've fallen for and someone that I truly need to hide my feelings for!! But my heart is telling me and my body and mind arent listening!! I miss her and times I wish she lived down the street but she doesn't!! So I'll just tell her daily I miss her but not sure she truly misses me!! We all can say things sometimes we don't really mean but I really mean what I say 99% of the time!! So blog it's time to get some shut eye and with that I'll leave you with a peace!!! Peace!!!!