Well you figure ppl out very quickly

Im so proud that before the new year I learned a very quick lesson! I figured out a few people and im so fucking proud of that! It took me a long time but I've learned a hard lesson! Never again Never again! It just amazes me how others show there true colors when they really was putting on a good show! Hmmm Thank YOU for showing me who you really was! I just didn't realize it until now! So peace out Mother fucker and never speak my name ever again! Don't text me or Nothing! Its over! Fuck off!

One day

Everyday that I open my eyes I thank God for another day! Every night I close my eyes I see my life flash before my eyes! I see all the sad times, the happy times and most importantly the most precious memories! I see my grandmother smiling at me, I see my mom waving bye to me and my sister when she'd leave for work! I see my dad hugging me and Scott when he'd drop us off for a weekend! Then I see the day my grandmother was called home to heaven, I see my uncle Paul laying there in the hospital bed taking his last breathe, I see Corey's dad laying in that hospital bed taking his last breathe! Its times like this I need someone to hold me tight and tell me its Gonna be alright! Its times when I can't sleep That I miss my grandmother more and more! I wish I could call her up Cause she'd gladly tell me to come on over get in bed with her and she'd hug me and hold me like a baby! But heavens too far away!

Something else that's been on my mind more and more is that at times I feel like im too damm nice! Like tonight I cooked supper for us all, mushroom soup covered pork chops AND mashed taters! I know how to cook, but my dad kind of hurt my feelings a little! He said I almost sent you back to cooking school and make you learn how to cook! That hurt a little cause I Thought I'd done a Good job on the roast and pork chops! But its OK ill live!

Another thing that has my mind thinking, is I have a friend that I love dearly but sometimes I feel so used by her! I feel like she's using me for this and this and that! It just doesn't seem like I ever get the thanks I deserve for the things I do or done! I guess its just me but there is times that a little thank you would go a long ways! But you know I guess some people just wasn't raised like me!

Another thing, I might be a bitch at times but I've never in my life felt like im a cold hearted on! Yes my heart might be cold to Some but its not to All!

Well blog I've said enough spoken words to piss someone off but it'll be OK! Night

Talking

Today was a trying day, I left home with my mind made up that the best thing was divorce I came home with a different outlook on things! I do love this man and he knows That! But I laid it all out for him! I told him if he was Thinking he was coming out smelling like roses he was dead wrong! Cause I wasn't walking away with out a fight for something that I deserve! I've Been with him 9 yrs! I wasn't gonna allow him to Think he'd gotten off Scotch free! He wanted to work things out, he wanted to both go to separate counseling and then marriage counseling! I admit that I have anger and depression issues and that I need help! No doubt in my mind I do! So im willing to go cause I know I need it! Not only cause I want to try to work on this but he must go to counseling too! He needs to get help dealing with his addiction! So he agreed he'd go too and we'd go from there! Just gotta try is all I know to do! Its not gonna be a quick decision it'll be a decision that's made over a period of lots of Thinking AND lots of counseling! I will Never Ever be able to give up the feelings or wanting to be with a female! Its Been with me and its not something that's ever gonna stop! I don't care Who says they can they Are absolutely crazy! Well blog my hand hurts! Good night

As the days pass I get the feeling that you never loved me like you said you did for 7 1/2 yrs! Its been a long two weeks and the times I needed you, you just showed me you truly didn't love me! But as I continue to look at my future I see that its truly uncertain! I really don't know where im gonna live, or anything at the moment! But, I feel like this might be the best decision I've ever made in my life!
Im tired of fighting back the feelings I've fought back all my life! Its time for Christy to finally be who down deep inside she truly is! Well, blog its Been a trying day and tomorrow doesn't look any better! I guess that's the part of living! Thru all my trails and troubles ill finally come out a little stronger!
The things that go on daily only makes me feel like im stronger than I really ever thought I was! I guess I best try to rest now blog cause tomorrow is the day I meet with him for first time in 2 wks! Peace!

GIVE UP

As I've apologized a thousand times for something I've said and wrote out of anger but no one seems to see That im truly sorry! I write these blogs mostly out of anger and hurt! But no one seems to see that! I've tried and tried to make her see that im Sorry! I guess my im sorry doesn't stand any ground to the words that's already spoken! It seems like yesterday her and I was laughing and talking! But today she's angry at me and I understand why but if it had been me reading it if she'd apologized I'd accepted it and dropped it! I guess that some can't drop things as easy! I really do love her and always will love her! Since last Tuesday night when I left that hospital and went and seen her! She was on my mind then AND has been every since! I saw her for a min on Friday and she was very pretty AND I wanted her to be with me forever! I Never wanted her to GO! She Was on my mind constantly, but one blog that was posted out of anger ruined all that! I guess that it Truly was for the best! I guess its the only way to ruin something that I'd hope for one day! I guess life will continue on! This just caused me more depression and more heartache cause I never in all this time wanted to hurt her! I never intented on causing her hurt and pain and ill will towards me! I Never wanted anything to cause us to lose something we had! But I see from the latest Text I got that she's probably done with me! Whatever...Have a wonderful day! Was the Text! I guess that means leave me alone the rest of the day! I shall let her have time and if she feels like talking then she can contact me! Until then ill Not say anything else bout it or to her Cause im hurt now that I hurt her! Im just not happy with myself! It'll be OK I guess! Well Natasha if you read This please know I do love you and I always will and im sorry! I truly am sorry! Your not like them and I see that and that blog was written out of anger! Please accept my apologies! Please!

Not worthy of a subject

The first time I looked in your eyes my heart skipped a beat! Then my lips touched yours and I felt fireworks go off in my head! Then I wrapped my arms around you and my heart beat with yours and my breathes was in sync with yours! It was truly a match made in heaven!
Well, I truly Thought it was, but now as the days pass and the nights get longer I see that it just wasn't a match made in heaven! It was just me heart leading and searching for love and I fell for the first one That came along! My heart was growing cold and I guess that it was ready to feel warm and cozy again! But I should of just walked away and Never looked back! But I looked back when I should of kept walking! I guess that im just gonna never learn my lesson but i think this time I learned! Im not letting my heart out of the cage until I know its absolutely positively true! Its like everyone is out to just rip my heart out and parade around with it for all to see!

When you see me walking by just keep on walking! When you see me out with someone new just keep on walking! When your heart screams What did I do just keep on walking! When you see something that reminds you of me keep on walking! When you see my truck in the parking lot keep on walking! When someone says where's Christy just keep on walking! Cause that's what you've done to me you've kept on walking! Don't look back or shed a tear when you See me walking out That door! Just remember it was your decision to walk on by!

I feel like walking and Never Looking back and Never second guessing myself! But then my heart says Christy your crazy! I feel like he's not regretting anything he's done and he's not worried about me cause in 2 weeks he ain't bothered to call, Text or come by to see if I was OK or nothing! All I've gotten was an email telling me about divorce and Then random text! Non said baby Come home, I love you or anything like that! I just feel like divorce is for best! Lets just walk away and cut our losses and just start to rebuild our lives! But I guess he wants to draw it out! Just ready to move on! I'm trying my best to move on from the girl of my dreams! The one I felt the most connected to! The one that makes me smile! I gotta move on she's not ready to be fully committed to me so I must move on! She's asked me a 1000 times not to wait on her and that she's never gonna be able to promise me forever! So im pulling my heart out of it but my heart is hanging on to that last kiss, that last hug, that last look in her eyes! I miss her and my heart hurts for her! But I guess its for the best! I just don't understand why I can't have a happy life and the people that are in it want me happy! I guess the lord knows best! Its time I move on and just quit hiding for who I really am! Im not this person that I've lived like I am all these years! I just gotta find myself! I need help finding myself! Im bout to consider a counselor and find One I can talk to and just lay out my life on the line and Maybe they will be able to help me find myself! But I Guess that'll have to wait a little bit! Well blog this Life im living isn't the life I feel like I should be living! Well blog my thumb is hurting! Good night! Peace

Christmas

I've made it thru the first Christmas without Corey! It hurt me but I did it! I don't know how anyone can Be so cold hearted to the women he's Been married too for 9 yrs! I've been gone from the house we lived in for 8 and 1/2 yrs and not one time did he call or Text me to ask me if I Was OK! Or did he tell me he loves me! Im so over this I just want it over with! Im just ready to get on with my life! Now on to the next broken heart! Im over that too! My heart is growing cold and its Gonna Take a long time to warm it back up! Not sure if there's anyone out there that can make me Happy! Im just a cold hearted bitch! I fake my life problems and I fake my health problems so ill Be better off alone! Just ready to move on! Good night blog!

My soul

Websters definition of soul is: in certain spiritual, philosophical, and psychological traditions – is the incorporea[ 1] essence of a person or living thing or object.....
Christy's definition::: the little hidden piece of flesh deep inside of the body that holds all the feelings! Now with that said, the soul can grow cold if not shown love, compassion, honesty, and major affection! Let me start backwards on that list I just wrote! Affection: is shown and given in many ways, hugs, holding hands, kissing, and so on! The way affection is shown is how your soul knows what feeling to bring out! Cause you could hug a stranger on the street, and their soul is gonna say see someone does care! If you hug a potential lover or friend then your soul is gonna say she/he's the right one or back away cause pain will follow! Now this piece of flesh called soul is what helps your heart and brain decide to pursue a relationship or just walk away and never look back! Next on my list is honesty, its pretty self explanatory meaning that you don't lie about anything you do or say! If you say it then make it happen! Next is a big deal for some people and its called compassion! Compassion is something that lots and lots of people don't know what compassion is! So to help me out I checked ol' Webster's dictionary and here's definition:::: a virtue — one in which the emotional capacities of empathy and sympathy(for the suffering of others) are regarded as a part of love itself, and a cornerstone of greater socia nterconnection and humanism — foundational to the highest principles in philosophy, society, and personhood. The part most people struggle with is the empathy and sympathy in the suffering of others! The reason why the struggle is because they haven't been shown it! That's all about those that I have to say so on to the last one! The biggest of them all! LOVE!!!!! Love is universal, its in every country, religion and every person! And that's where the soul comes in! It helps you show love the way it needs to be shown! The soul isn't complete until 2 or more of those things are in your life and your soul and your heart will begin to beat to the same tune! Its like this, when ones playing in a key of "c" and other one is singing in key of "f" then the sound they make isn't joyous its rather a sound that's hard to describe! Only a couple times in my life have my heart and soul been one! When I first laid eyes on my grandmother and was old enough to know,9 yrs ago When I married Corey, 5 yrs ago when I met Missy and lastly about a month ago when I met Natasha! My grandmother left me Too early, Corey just quit showing all the things I needed, Missy im not really sure what happened! Then Natasha came along and before I ever heard her voice or laid eyes on her my heart and soul started singing the most awesome tune I've ever heard! Then I laid eyes on her they both started beating a huge drum! But I must say her past caused her to freak out as she out it and caused her to want to slow down! My heart shattered in to a million pieces, my soul fell down and a piece of my heart split it open! Cause I knew that others before her left me empty handed! They left me wanting more they left me feeling worthless and useless and like nothing I had physical, emotional or mentally was good enough for them! And that's exactly how it made me feel that very day! Now I've sense gotten a good understanding of Why and reason behind the need to back away! When she explained I realized that I was just being me and she truly didn't know how to accept it! I guess people are so mentally and emotionally abused that the blocked that part out! But im who I am and im not changing! She knows that, Corey knows That and so does Missy! Maybe im too much to accept! Maybe all the love, compassion, affection and attention that I've lacked all my life is too much for others to accept from me! I may never find the true person That completes me Like she did! But I gotta accept that she's not ever gonna be able to be who she truly is! We might have to Be "secret" Lovers for the rest of our days here on earth! But if that's the case ill accept it cause I believe she's the perfect match for me! Contrary to what she says I believe she is!! Never does a minute go by where she's not on my mind, never does a minute pass That Corey, Missy or my grandmother not walk thru my memory! They'll forever be etched in my memory but as I've said before that's another chapter closed in my book of life! But all chapters closed molded me into who I am today! A proud bisexual female! Blog I must close can't see to type anymore! Peace

Divorce

Corey and I will be filing for divorce and its hos decision! He's decided today that its time for me to move on! I just gotta be prepared for what's in store for my future! As I lay here wide awake and haven't slept much its been a bad Night and day yesterday! I guess today starts the first day of the rest of my life! Im not sure im prepared for this and im not sure im ready! I Wish I could turn back hands of time and just take away the things that's hurt me! But our marriage is like this im the one that hates the world so much That I need help as in counseling! I just don't understand how anyone that says they love someone be so cruel and be so mean that they sit there and watch me pack my stuff and walk away! I don't understand how he can just allow it to happen! Never in my life could I've ever watched him pack up and leave! Never could I've ever truly thought this day would come! But it has and I know God knows best and I know he knows what's right! I just hope Corey will see that what he thinks is right really is and that he allows me to take my stuff in peace and take my stuff without him around! I don't understand how he could stand there! But if your a low down cold hearted asshole then yes I guess you could! He says he needs time to think and space from me! I hope that he enjoys it! I've cried so much im not sure my head will Ever quit hurting! Im sure my BP won't come down for many days! Not only does he wont out the girl that I was falling in love with told me she doesn't feel like she can carry on a sexual thing with me! So the night of 12-13 I lost her and then I lost him on 12-14! So I guess as the saying goes The lord will never put more on you than you can handle! But im telling you this is almost too much! This is more than I think anyone will be able to handle! I feel like I have no one now! I got a few friends and family that actually do care about me! I have some that want me happy but Then I have the ones that are there when they need me but no where around when I need them! I don't hate any of them but I do feel like I've been used! Im worthless now, im useless! No one will ever want a disabled person That can't provide for herself! I just don't understand! Ugh! Well blog ill be blogging a lot more now!

Free flowing

As I write these words down and as you read these words you'll never truly know my feelings Because its hard to describe love to someone! No words I know or that's out there describes love like the words that come from the heart! Whether the are jumbled or not they come from deep inside of me! My heart is beating to a different tone at this moment and this tone is a good one! Love to me has to be shown thru various ways! And if you can't show me you love me then don't Tell me You do! I wasn't shown love my whole life and When Its shown it doesn't take much for me to fall head over heels in love! Ill never regret a thing I've done because everything I've done has made me who I am today! Its molded me into this person that's shedding tears over someone that I love! Its the person that I am! My lack of love growing up is what I try to show everyone I come in contact with! A stranger on the street if I got a dollar he can have it! I don't need That dollar that bad! Love is a universal word used in all religions and all practices in American culture! I believe that that four letter word could make the world a better place if we all took the time to say it to everyone! Love is sexual, its from the heart! You was born with it! Most everyone at some point in there Life someone showed them what love is! Me it Was family friends not my mom and dad! They both pushed me away for other kids besides his own or partying with her friends! We wasn't ever top priority! I believe its been God's will I not have kids Cause even though he frowns On divorce I feel he has forgiven me for my sins and understands that This marriage was truly just a Good cover up! He knows that this marriage isn't Gonna work because im tired of hiding my true feelings! Blog as this day closes Then I need to close this blog! Your my release and now I feel better! I shall accept my self and live by my rules and put God first AND he knows who I really am!

Fuck life

I've laid my feelings out for all to see! Some have chosen to take them and string them on and others have just decided that stepping on them is the best possible option! I've given up on a lot of things in my life! I've turned a blind eye to some people and at times I feel Like people just don't care about me like I care about them! At times when things are going Great is when I feel so alone! At times When life is upside down I feel like im a human! Not sure what my future holds but sure wish my grandmother was here to tell me its gonna be OK! It seems like its just yesterday she was telling me Christy you will find true love one day! Today I feel I have but im not sure what to do about it! There's a moment in my mind that I just feel like jumping and never being found! I'd rather die than just live my life like this! Tomorrow will be 9 yrs I Thought I was married to the right person but I guess in time its truly showing he wasn't the right One and I just settled! I hate that feeling and I Think down deep inside we aren't in love anymore! I've felt Like This for almost a year now! Its the worse feeling in the world! But I must muster up someway to stay a little bit longer! Im just hopeless and need somewhere to go to clear my mind and clear my head! Just me and nature! I almost pulled over the other day while driving and just Let phone and everything and walked in woods and sit down and never got up and just waited to see how long it would take for someone to miss me! I bet it wouldnt of Been the man im married too! He'd be the last to say oh she's not home when His phone blew up with ppl calling him! I guess the only thing that stopped me was a person that wouldn't hang up the phone until I got there! So there wasn't a way to just walk away from it all! I know its crazy but at this moment in my life not sure What im capable of doing! So blog I've released my thoughts who ever reads it then good they hear my heart! If this never gets read Then its OK too! But at this moment I say fuck it all! I give up! Devil take me away to the fiery pits of hell! My coolers packed! Only requirement in wifi access please! Thank you