Where it all makes sense!

I used to use this blog to vent and still do sometimes! This blog post isn't about anyone or anything just some random thoughts and things I have rolling around in my head! So who ever reads it I'm sorry if it pisses you off! Not my intention!!

Where it all makes sense is where it doesn't matter how I look or how I feel! At times I don't feel like doing nothing but being a lazy person! Sometimes things just don't ever seem good enough for the people in my life! Just sometimes it's like people expect much more out of me than I get out of them! Naw it's not that I expect them to be there every second of every day but sometimes just being there is all I need! 

Since having all these things wrong with me last couple of days I've seen a side of things that really don't like! But it's just me I can't change the world but one voice can change someone's mind!

Writing sometimes frees my mind enough to get a good nights sleep! I've been thinking of the next blog post but I can't seem to get it all together! But as you can see from previous ones its along the lines of medical things and things that's wrong with me medically! A time comes that we must all say to hell with it and hope for the best! In less than 15 days ill be Florida bound with the two people that I said I'd never go another damn place with but I love them and hope they know this time I mean business and they best be on best damn behavior or ill leave there ass! No if ands or buts about it! I'm hoping for a good trip one that we can make memories and lasting ones at that! Not sure how long my mom will be here so it's best to get it all done now before I lose her! 

Living in the pain I live in daily is sometimes unbearable! But you know life isn't perfect! I try not to allow the pain to hurt me but it does keep me down! Anyways that's all tonight I know it's short and well stupid to say the least! Peace

Major Depression

What Is Major or Clinical Depression?

Most people feel sad or low at some point in their lives. But clinical depression is marked by a depressed mood most of the day, particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships -- symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. In addition, according to the DSM-IV -- a manual used to diagnose mental health conditions -- you may have other symptoms with major depression. Those symptoms might include:

• Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day.
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day.
• Impaired concentration, indecisiveness.
• Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day.
• Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day (called anhedonia, this symptom can be indicated by reports from significant others).
• Restlessness or feeling slowed down.
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide.
• Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weightin a month).

Back 2 yrs ago I got diagnosed with major depression! It's something I've always thought I've had but it took me finally trying to kill myself to reach out for help! Since then I've been on two different strengths of meds and I've done ok! Last month or so I'm slowly slipping back into that state again! Slowly but surely spiraling out of control! With each new day brings about new challenges for me, new ways for me to fake that I'm ok when I'm dying inside! Days for me to put on a good front cause I don't wanna cause a fight, days for me to be the same old person I've always been! Corey doesn't care nor does he understand! Yea he puts on a good show that he cares but really down deep inside I can't see that he gives a flying damn about what I go thru daily to try to be normal! He's never once said what can I do to help never once said I don't understand why you feel like this! The past couple of days I've been in so much pain that I've had sucidual thoughts! I've wanted to end it all! Yea the first night he was compassionate and stood there while I cried then came Saturday and I guess he thought life was just a dream Friday when I was dying in pain! He kept saying I gotta get out of this house and I think ill go over to my moms! Never once saying do you feel up to going with me? Even though I might of felt to bad to go I'd like to of got out of house too! Then came today, I'm still in some serious pain! He gets up and leaves for church in his truck that he's said a 1000 times I'm not driving too much cause its gonna break down on me! I start to worry when I realize his phone is here at home! Cause I don't know if he made it or not, I don't know if he made it to his moms after church if he made it to church! Then I have no way of calling cause I don't want his mother to think I'm being a little jealous person by calling and checking on him! But he waits until 3pm to call and say I'm on my way home from his mothers phone! Then comes home like nothing's happened and we've had this discussion before that I'd like for him to check in just cause I do love him and I do worry! But when he gets home I ask him what would he done if I'd not answered phone! He said I'd figured you was asleep and I'd went on about my business until I got home! I said so you wouldn't come on home and he said why should I drop what I'm doing to run home if your sleeping! Never does it cross his mind hey she's had trouble walking the past two days she said her knee gave way the other day! So hmm I hope she's not fallen in floor and can't get to phone! No he just goes on about his business like I'm a pile of dog shit that he's gonna have to clean up! So I asked him what would it take for him to realize that this disease I have is serious? He just looked at me and said I don't know! He don't know cause he's got it in his head that all this is put on and I'm faking it all! Yes he's told me that several times! Including today when I said you think I'm faking don't you and he said yes I do think your putting on more than you really are hurting! How does that make a person that's wanting to end it all cause the pain is so bad! How would you feel? So here I lay in bed plotting a way to end it! 

Peace 

 

Bucket List

10. See every MLB baseball team in their home stadium (been to Atlanta)

9. See every NFL football team in their home stadium 

8. Visit Australia

7. Visit any foreign country 

6. Visit Vietnam Wall with my father

5. Travel to all 50 states via car, boat or train

4. Visit Canada

3. Take a cruise

2. Take a trip with a friend anywhere that friend wants to go

1. Ill tell you when the other ten are accomplished! 

If I ever get any of these things done ill be the happiest person in the world! I may never get to check one thing off before my time but its nice to dream! Maybe one day ill be able to do what I want and finish my bucket list! All the things listed here are attainable but not sure if ill be able to do any of them! Dreams may never come true! But ill enjoy dreaming them!