Sleepless nights and sleeping days

Ever so often my mind thinks that it wants to sleep but then it doesn't when I lay down! I feel like I've got my days and nights mixed up some how!
Next week I'm going to spend a few days with my mom! Its been many years that she and I have spent time together! Its gonna be weird cause she's always with my sister! So I'm gonna cherish every moment like its the last! I hope its not but we all know tomorrow isn't promised!
The other day something was said to me that got my mind really thinking! Now its been a while since I've thought about being with a woman! I just don't care about it any more! When it was said to me I could of cheated with you if I wanted too! And I said naw you couldn't cause I'm not interested! And I'm not! I've lost that feeling of needing a woman's touch or the wanting to be with a woman! It may Never come back to me! Its OK if it doesn't but I guess my point is that I think it was offered and I refused and I'm very proud that I'm past that and we are friends! It takes a lot to go back after you've crossed that line! It takes a lot for the water to flow the other way! But we made it past that point and friends is what we truly are! I listen to you bitch and you listen to me bitch just like friends should!
Sometimes the urge to run away from home gets so strong that if I ever acted on it no telling where I'd end up! Because i have a traveling soul that's not satisfied unless its moving and I've been cooped up in this house long enough! It seems that when I want to do something we never seem to have the dollars to just for a ride! But then when a new movie comes out we have the dollars for him to spend on watching it! Sometimes I feel like a lost Cause! I feel like I'm here just for sex and a monthly check! I feel like that's all I'm good for! Never does a day go by that I receive a hug, kiss or even a thank you when I've cooked a meal or washed clothes! I guess that's because he thinks that's my job by marrying him! Others seem to have a better relationship with their spouses and they don't do anything! Its like I'm supposed to do all this just because I'm married to him! It hurts to feel like this!
I believe I cheated on him because she made me feel wanted, loved and never once did a day go by that I saw her did she not give me a hug and kiss! Its sad to say but truly I miss that feeling of someone wanting me for me and not expecting me to do this and that because I said I do! It was a great feeling but I'm not in love with her sexually just friendly love! I sometimes feel like he doesn't even love me friendly or sexually! Its like I'm just a rock and he keeps pushing me to the side out if the way!
Enough of that, another thing that makes me so fighting mad is the way his brother gets away with everything! I can't even put the dishes in the dishwasher right with out getting told I did it wrong but his brother can walk around and not pay the only bill He was asked to pay, not allow any of our stuff out because it doesn't go with his decor! But that's OK! If I try to cook something its not right unless he comes in and adds too it! Like if I don't add salt then I'm a bad person! If I don't put his clothes in the washer or dryer its my fault they aren't clean or dried! Now mind you I wasn't asked to do either One! Its my fault if the cable gets cut off or the lights get cut off but I'm not the one that sits down and pays the bills! I'm Not allowed to spend a penny without express written consent from him! But we can take his brother out to eat and drink 80 dollars worth of stuff! That's what pisses me off!

Last but not least friends who call you a friend to your face but behind your back talk about you like your the scum of the earth! I got a friend that I thought at one time was a great friend well I've found out quickly that she's not! I'm a very blunt person, straight to the point Never let's anything catch me off guard! But to Be called rude, disrespectful and other things is when it gets under my skin! Now don't get me wrong if I send you a message I expect something in return just like you would if it were you! It just pisses me off that you say I don't have time to bullshit! Well hell I hadn't seen you in several days and I was wondering if you was OK! So what it was just a one word fucking question! If you truly knew the meaning of the one word then you would of known It was a complete question! I guess like you said your too busy for anyone but yourself! I've asked you on several occasions to take an hour and lets go have lunch! But oh no you can't cause your too good for me known! But just a year ago I was helping you do this and that! Its all good because pay backs a bitch and guess what I know how to pay you back and you know it was from me! But life goes on!
Another thing then I'm done! Its not every day that you come across a person that's willing to drop whatever she's doing, give you her last dollar or the shirt off her back! Its not every day that anyone will do This or that and never ask for anything in return but maybe a coke! Its not everyday that you find someone willing to help you when your in need! So remember the good things I've done for you and They will surly outweigh the times I've been rude, disrespectful and just a plain bitch! But you know What its OK cause one day your gonna need good ol' Christy and good ol' Christy ain't gonna be there! All those times I bought you food cause you didn't have any money, all those times I bought you drinks cause you didn't have any money! That time I gave you money Cause you didn't have it and was about to lose Your house! Those times I sat and listened to you bitch about your worthless husband! All those times I sat and listen to you complain Bout your kids! Remember that cause one day your gonna need me again!
While I'm on my soap box another thing! The only friend that I'm willing to help because I know she struggling to make ends meet! I know I've lived like she's living and its truly hard! She knows I don't mind giving her a ride, buying her this or that but one that does piss me off bout her is that She never once offers anything even when she has it! Its OK because one day its gonna hit her hard too when I quit giving! I'm just too nice of a person! I Guess my heart is just that damn big! Well, blog its that time you know where I close! My thumbs are hurting! Good night! Peace!

No subject just words

When at times I feel Like giving up I look up and remember the things I did as a kid That kept me here and I think about the ones that's gone before me! They inspire me to keep trying because I know there isn't a one of them that would want me giving up! So I've decided that one day I'm gonna sit down and just write my feelings out on paper so when I'm gone someone can read them!

Today, I got my feelings stepped on and hurt pretty bad! My husband thinks or I Think he thinks I have Bo clue in the world what I'm doing behind the digital camara! I feel like my years of being a head photo specialist just was wasted in his eyes! I feel he thinks I'm just as dumb as a box of rocks! Never fails that when he wants to go somewhere and take photos my input is useless and worthless! Its like I just need to shut up! He's never in the 9 yrs I've known him taken any kind of photography class or worked with photography! He didn't even own a camara when I met him! Looking back thru some pictures he had they where not anything I'd claim to have taken! But now That we own a professional camara he feels like he's a professional now! It hurts me the way he acts and what he says when I make a remark or statement about something he took! Its like I shouldn't ever say a word! He does no wrong! Maybe its me but if I see something I like I'm gonna snap it in the original state that its in and not sit there or walk around trying to find a good spot! Take it naturally and you will get a better photo! It ain't gotta be straight forward or 90° angle! I mean damn! I've seen work or professionals yea they might use Photoshop to fix the background or surroundings but they snap the picture the way they see it! I've asked them a thousand times what do you think of this picture? Most of the time its Christy you did a good job! Today, Corey proceeded to tell me When I told him to take it at an angle to include to objects in one shot! He told me I didn't have a clue what I was talking bout and that it would look stupid! So I took That as meaning that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about nor do I know anything about photography! So guess what he took the picture straight forward and guess what it cut one of the objects in half! I guess that I don't know what I'm talking about do I? Hmmm!

Enough of that its bout time for me to put phone down! Fingers are numb and arms are hurting! Until next time! Holla

Been a while!

I guess too much has been going on that I just haven't found time to really sit down and write! I feel as if I need to get a little things off my chest! So fair warning if you read this and it pisses you off then take it as a challenge to do better! First, I'm disabled and it pisses me off to see capable adults not willing to work but wanna live off mom, dad, grandma who ever! It also pisses me off that they can sit around and complain Bout it when mom, dad or who ever doesn't give to them anymore! Its like This get up off Your lazy ass and find a job at McDonald's if you have too! Ugh! Secondly, yes my husband and I have our ins and outs and ups and Downs but he's the only one that I love deeply and would jump in front of a train to save! I love this man! Yes I Have a select few friends that I'd do the same! But as far as just because Nope Never gonna happen! Its like this I've become a born again Christian and I'm going to start living like one!  I'm one of gods children and by golly I'm gonna live like it! I've waited too long to put him on the back burner! He deserves to be first again in my life! So I've decided that its time to start making a few changes! So be prepared in near future to see a changed Christy! Thanks for reading!