Wordless Wednesday

Low Self Esteem

Today having a conversation with a good friend of mine about a situation she's in. I tried explaining to her what she has is a case of Low Self Esteem. As I was explaining it to her I decided to post a status on facebook about it and the feelings. Here is my status: I think it speaks volumes. Tell me what you think?

Your fat, ugly, worthless, meaningless, sound familiar well all those lead to a low self esteem! Why cause the are the seeds that are planted and let grow from within our mind to the point we believe them! What can you do? You can turn every negative comment into a positive one! How you ask? First by looking in the mirror and doing a self evaluation, hm your thinking now! Yes say yes I might be overweight but that's not who I am, I might not be miss America but someone will see the beauty that lies within! And every person is worth something and every person has meaning! Secondly, don't allow others to bring you down! Cause that's what they won't! When you finally see that what others say about you aren't who you are as a person you will see that you are worth something! Low self esteem is the leading cause of suicides in my opinion! Why cause we allow others to fill our heads with things that we think are true when really they are not! Yea, you don't look sick, not all illnesses have an outer appearance! But don't let the illness define you! Don't let it be something that makes you who your not! Once you put your illness on the back burner and you allow it to take a back seat for a bit and you show others that its apart of me but its not who I am! All my life I never fit in with the pretty girls, I didn't have the football player boyfriends, I wasn't a cheerleader and yes it hurt not being accepted! But one day I decided you know what I don't need fame and fortune to be somebody and let me tell you when I finally started seeing myself as if one day someones gonna love me for me and not what I have to offer then I was able to be who I am today! Strong willed, fighting, loving human being with a purpose not to please everyone but to please myself! When you put self before others you will see a difference in your self esteem! Try it! Don't let others make you who your not! Stand up for self against the ones that are out to bring you down! Now enjoy out day and remember "Your better, stronger than your weakest moment!" Peace, Love and Happiness!

All that I've been through myself, I've been beat down, left for the dead not literally but figuratively Speaking. The day I decided that It wasn't gonna define me anymore was the day that I really stepped up and believed in myself and begin to love myself. I've never loved myself and then I decided that loving myself was what life was about and it was what made you who you are. These words flowing on this page has lead me to a little mishap that happened tonight. As Corey and I was discussing the friend that this status is about I said something that my friend's husband couldn't have sex anymore and he said sometimes I wonder if you wish i would either find someone else or would dry up.. I responded with yea sometimes I do a little. Well, like many things and fights we have had he took what I said turned it around to make it out like I had said "go find someone and let it dry up" That wasn't what I said at all. I responded to his statement... he doesn't care that I'm always had a low self esteem and always have felt as if everyone was out to belittle me. And he just kills my self esteem and then gets on his motorcycle and rides off, like he always done. He likes to upset me and then leave, as to saying well, shes up ill  just leave and what he doesn't know is that that's the last thing a person like me needs is for alone time when upset. Tonight I could of ended it all and then it would of been too late to do anything different or do anything to stop me. He has no compassion and that's something you can't teach its common sense and its really something that he should of learned a long time ago when he was a kid. I wonder so many times if his family didn't teach him nothing as in to treat a lady. No wonder his brother ended up divorced and the other one is gay. I guess they learned the lesson and got out. Maybe that they decided that compassion was something they didn't get thought. I just wish he had a little. I just don't understand. Well, blog my fingers hurt cause i'm typing this on computer for a change and its killing me.. Good night. Peace...

Sad

The past two days have really taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally! I didn't realize that a senseless wall post on Facebook could cause so much to happen and then a post on Craigslist to add too it! Yes it hurts but what hurt the most was I was mad at for something I didn't have any control over but then when I got mad over something I was wrong! Yea I'm better now but heart still hurts cause the things that happened caused some trust to be broken! It might take me a little bit to gain it back but I'm not one to stay mad long but hurt yes I stay hurt awhile! Today as I set at home with no way to go I think I'll do some soul searching and see of I can find an answer! Yea blog I know she's reading this and I know she's hurt too! I'm not giving up yet and will fight for what's right!  End of that!

Corey's truck in shop and amidst all the other going on I had to break down and call my dad and stepmom for help! It's not sad that I had to call its more less pride is hurt cause I had to call! Pride is a lot of what keeps us going and a lot of the reason we don't do something's! Pride is deep with in us and is instilled in us at an early age! Corey and I are struggling daily to make the life we used to have! It hurts that we don't have the comforts we used to have! But we still make it! I've struggled my whole life some way or some how I managed to come out of it only to be thrown back into it when I had to quit my job in 2010 and let me tell you it hurt deep! But my body didn't want me to keep going the way I was! Although things might seem like they are falling into the sinking earth one day we will come out smelling like roses! Struggling with things other than monetary is hard too! Although at times I hear the words I wanna hear like your cute or beautiful but often times I don't hear them from the right person! I've always been fat and I always will! Right now there's no possible way to lose the weight! Too many meds that cause weight gain! But I don't care about that I careless about what I weigh or how I feel! But my self esteem might be better if one person in my life would say it just once a month even! Yes I'm talking about Corey! But if I say something to him then I'm being overacting cause then he does just cause I said something I shouldn't have to tell him to tell me I'm pretty! That should be common sense! He doesn't even tell me he loves me or kisses me or even hugs me unless I ask for it or do it first! Why you ask I don't know! I've asked that question a few times only to hear I don't feel the need to do it daily! Well your wife feels the need! But anyways blog just my random making no sense blog!Peace 

Million times!

Million times I've tired to forget you and million times something reminds me of you! Your in my mind constantly, I'm hoping for the best for you but wishing I was still apart of your life! My mind never gives up on the one thing that made me happy for so long! It races toward you in my dreams and it never leaves! I know your better off and Im happy that your happy! I don't like the fact that you settled for someone that hurt you just as bad as I did! But, always remember me in your dreams!!

Those words spoken there was about my best friend that I lost and that I was with sexually! Yes we still chat occasionally but too much water under the bridge! She will always be in my mind and have a special place in my heart! No one or no thing can change that! Whoever is reading this is probably thinking why can't she just let her go! Well, many things will forever link us together whether we are 100 miles apart or just down the road! No her and I won't ever be a couple again! We are better off friends! Yes times when I'm pissed at Corey or anyone else for that matter I wish she was around! She had a way of talking me down and out of doing stupid things! She had a nack for that! But you know she's got her own life to live and she's got someone in it to forfill the void I left! Just like I have someone to fill the void she left me! 

Two times I tried to end it all! Two times I didn't succeed, and maybe for some that's a good thing but for me sometimes I feel it's not! I'm proud that I'm still here to have this life I have but times my mind says let's end it its not worth it! In which I say it is worth it! The other day I was crying for help! I was pleading and begging but all my husband could say was "that's the stupidest thing you could of done" well to someone begging for help that's not what you say to them! But he reacted just the way I thought he would, no compassion, no care and no willingness to help! I never in my life thought I could love someone with no compassion cause I'm a very compassionate person! But the love for this man is wearing thin again! He said the other day maybe we need to go to counseling again! I know I got a lot of problems but I feel he's the one that needs help' he needs to be taught compassion for a woman with needs! What's gonna happen if one day I'm in a wheelchair? Or in need of helping off the floor! I'm really afraid he will leave me! I feel when that time comes it'll be the end of this marriage cause I don't think he can handle the pressure or pain of dealing with it day in and day out! But I guess I'll cross that bridge when it happens! 

Blog this blog has been random but that's how my mind is working at the moment! Peace 

Sometimes I wonder

What life would be like if I wasn't around! The other day I almost ended it all! I wanted it all gone! Maybe then I would feel like a burden! 

Weekend with mom!

I took my mom, sister and sister in law to Panama City for a girls weekend! It felt good to finally be away from the struggles and trails of life for a little while!! We had a great time and mom really enjoyed her self which was what we wanted out of the whole deal anyways! She was like a little kid when she saw the ocean from the room! She was grinning and smiling from ear to ear! It was so fun seeing her so happy! We made many memories that we will never forget!! And memories that will last long after her time here on earth is done! I hope that its a long was off before that happens! I hope she's hear with me for a very long time!! We left on Thursday night and came back on Monday evening! We left all the men at home lol! 

More photos to come!