Million times!

Million times I've tired to forget you and million times something reminds me of you! Your in my mind constantly, I'm hoping for the best for you but wishing I was still apart of your life! My mind never gives up on the one thing that made me happy for so long! It races toward you in my dreams and it never leaves! I know your better off and Im happy that your happy! I don't like the fact that you settled for someone that hurt you just as bad as I did! But, always remember me in your dreams!!

Those words spoken there was about my best friend that I lost and that I was with sexually! Yes we still chat occasionally but too much water under the bridge! She will always be in my mind and have a special place in my heart! No one or no thing can change that! Whoever is reading this is probably thinking why can't she just let her go! Well, many things will forever link us together whether we are 100 miles apart or just down the road! No her and I won't ever be a couple again! We are better off friends! Yes times when I'm pissed at Corey or anyone else for that matter I wish she was around! She had a way of talking me down and out of doing stupid things! She had a nack for that! But you know she's got her own life to live and she's got someone in it to forfill the void I left! Just like I have someone to fill the void she left me! 

Two times I tried to end it all! Two times I didn't succeed, and maybe for some that's a good thing but for me sometimes I feel it's not! I'm proud that I'm still here to have this life I have but times my mind says let's end it its not worth it! In which I say it is worth it! The other day I was crying for help! I was pleading and begging but all my husband could say was "that's the stupidest thing you could of done" well to someone begging for help that's not what you say to them! But he reacted just the way I thought he would, no compassion, no care and no willingness to help! I never in my life thought I could love someone with no compassion cause I'm a very compassionate person! But the love for this man is wearing thin again! He said the other day maybe we need to go to counseling again! I know I got a lot of problems but I feel he's the one that needs help' he needs to be taught compassion for a woman with needs! What's gonna happen if one day I'm in a wheelchair? Or in need of helping off the floor! I'm really afraid he will leave me! I feel when that time comes it'll be the end of this marriage cause I don't think he can handle the pressure or pain of dealing with it day in and day out! But I guess I'll cross that bridge when it happens! 

Blog this blog has been random but that's how my mind is working at the moment! Peace