Wind blowing

Sitting outside before the storms roll in, listening to the wind blow, dogs bark, train roll through, and kids getting off school bus! It takes me back to a time not long ago well maybe it is long ago! A time when I was sitting on my grandmother front porch with her! Talking about soap operas or just life in general! It makes me miss her more and more but I know I have an angel in heaven that's been watching me since 2001 when she gained her wings! It's amazing how much I reflect back on that's happened since that day and how much I wish I could just take a trip to see her and just hear her voice one more time! I know she's walking and probably already fattened up everyone up in heaven with her home cooking and cakes! Life seemed so simple back then and now it seems so complicated at times that it feels like I might never do enough to make anyone proud! At time it seems like all the good I do no one notices but I mess up one time and it last in there minds forever! I might never be the perfect person anyone wants me to be but I am who I am and I'll always be me! Learning to control my anger has been my biggest challenge in my life! Learning to direct it where it goes and not at who is standing in from of me has been hard! Life sometimes throws rocks, stones, oranges, lemons and you name it at me! But I've learned that you have to accept what's thrown and just move on! Not hard for some but for me it's been hell! All my life I've been a fighter for something I've wanted! But then you know now I feel like giving up! It's not worth it anymore why keep on! That's when I think about how much fight my grandmother gave and how much she taught me to keep going no matter how much it hurt or how bad I felt! So what do I do! I keep going! I push thru I keep pushing until every once of energy is gone! Yea I'm not one to quit and I'm not about to start now! Wind blowing and birds chirping thank you lord for a glorious day! 

Unhappy Valentines day

Today the day that most people show the world tell there significant other just how much they love them! Do something special out of the ordinary and make them feel as if they are wanted! Well, I did just that last night I couldn't sleep for thinking of a way to show Corey that it came from the heart! I got up at 8 am and started working on a card handmade by me! I worked hard coming up with what to say and how to word it and stuff and just a little something to say hey I might not show it daily but I really do down deep inside of me love you! He walks in door empty handed and first laughs at the card but some parts was funny and I say did you see the two notes and all I did for you? He said no I guess I didnt! He reads the note and says aww baby I love you and acted like he was gonna cry! That made me tear up! I didn't think anything about him not bring me something into living room I thought well he's got it in kitchen and it'll be a surprise! So I get up and I write out the check for camper payment and he says something about going to eat and I said yea that's fine but that's a given every Friday we go to lunch! Still thinking I'm gonna walk in kitchen and there's gonna be my surprise! So I turn to him and I say where's my valentines surprise? He said I thought I'd take you to lunch and we would go see that movie I wanna see! I didn't pick you up anything! Devastated was an understatement to the overwhelming feeling I felt! It truly felt like my heart literally fell to the ground and shattered in a million pieces! I felt worthless, useless, unwanted, unloved! I didn't do the card to expect something in return I did it as a token of me thinking about him! Yes I had hoped he would of came home with something saying hey baby I love you and this isn't much but let's go eat and go to a movie or just whatever you want! The saying actions speak volumes and words speak nothing! Well that's the honest truth! All day I've waited for him to try I've waited for him to surprise me! Nothing not one thing! So yes needless to say I'm heartbroken, the last time I was this heartbroken was April 16, 2001 at 6:45am when my grandmother took her last breath! As he sees that it's upset me I explain to him how I feel and why I feel! He said what's gonna make it better I guess nothing cause your mad and upset! I said well maybe you need to leave and come back and let's start this all over! 13 valentines and the only one I've never gotten anything from him! If even it was just a card that he picked up in a hurry! I've always gotten something! So I've decided that from now on it's just another day like Christmas, Easter, Halloween, 4th of July, Labor Day, Memorial Day and all the above! Those days have meaning but those days to me are just another day! They really hold no value to me at all anymore! I wish now I could skip it all! Maybe I will this year, I'll just sleep thru them all! I know that it's petty but the smallest thing might mean more than anything in this world!! 

Been too freaking damn long!!

Don't know why I ain't posted shit oh wait yes I do got fucking caught up in ancestry stuff and just forgot a lot of things! Fuck it! That's how I feel but I'll post more later!