Why?

That's the question I ask myself daily! But I keep telling myself cause I love him and I wanna try to make this marriage work! But things just don't add up right and I'm not no where near a mathematician but I know what 5:24 and 6:24 is an hour that you lost! Hmm but what happened to I got off at 4 where was you before 5:24 when I called! Ugh! But he hates to answer those questions but always answers them with what you been doing and who are you fucking!! Not a single person! Ugh!! So mad can't even type! Peace

Memorial Day

Isnt a free day to be off work, a day to BBQ with friends and family! It's a day to honor the ones whose served for freedom! The ones past, present and future!! It's hard to write this blog and I'm a little choked up, over a year ago the lord called home a man that never got the proper welcoming home that he deserved!! RIP Spc. Jody Holland!! Today I honor my dad yes my dad isn't the perfect man but one things for sure he served in one of the bloodiest wars, and came out alive!! He was spit on, called baby killers and among other things, he was treated like a dog on the street! Never once given the proper welcome home he deserves! I feel like the president needs to declare April 30 of every year Welcome Home Vietnam Veterans, giving them the welcome home they deserve!! Sometimes it hurts to know that no one even cares that they fought for the freedom you and I share daily, the freedom to be outspoken, the freedom to be free and live like we want!! It's not everyday that goes by that i know he doesn't think about that day, those years, those times! When he passes he will get burial with full military honor!! As I shed tears right now I'll shed tears that day too!! Wake up America these men, women fought for you!! Lets stand together and welcome them home!! Peace happy memorial day 2012!!

Best friend!

I've been told that I just don't understand and I just don't see you can't help who you fall in love with! Well your wrong cause I understand completely been there a time or two and I've walked that road, listen to me cause I don't want you hurt!! Well the road your walking is the road to complete and udder destruction! He's no more in love with you than I'm in love with dolly pardon, and btw she has some nice boobs I'd like to get my hands on, back to subject sorry got a little lost for a moment! He sees you as the next piece of ass and the next pussy!! He doesn't love you cause if he did then let me tell you this much, he'd invite you around his family, ask you out on a date and want to be seen with you in public! But no he calls you when it's late at night and tells you to come to back door, hmm what the hell is wrong with that picture? There's no motherfucker gonna tell me to come over late at night and come to back door!! He's using you until he finds another piece of pussy then your dropped like a rock and then when that piece gets the picture and leaves him he calls you back and you go running, why because your fucking blinded by the lust and you call it love!! Whoops let me tell you last time I checked love was a four letter word that was used to prove that you want to spend your life with someone!! Yes I know all this from experience but your so wrapped up in the moment or heat of passion that you can't see the bright light that's staring you in the face! I told you before when he hurt you and you didn't listen I just told you again and your not listening! Go ahead leave your so called husband for this player and don't come running to me when I'm right!! Trust me you can take the player out of the game but you'll never take the game out of the player!! Peace

Ugh

I hate when I'm someones rebound! I just don't understAnd, you add me back on fb, you text me, you message me!! You tell me the things that I mean to you and you want me but I tell you I'm with someone or I want to be with this someone! Then you tell me that your back with the one that left you, it pisses me off cause the time it takes to walk back in my life it took for you to walk out!! I just don't get every time you break up you coming running back!! Just don't get it, I guess that you really think I'm sitting around waiting in you when I'm really not!! You was good while it lasted but then you chose to walk away and you chose her over me, so next time she leaves you and you need a friend do not text me, message me or any way shape of form contact me! I'm passed you, it was just a fling with you anyways! I guess that it took me a little bit to figure out u was just a user then you forget the ones you used!! And no I'm not talking about Natasha or missy!! The one I'm talking about doesn't deserve this post really cause I should of known that it was just a game!! Too old for fucking games!! Either you need me thru all ur times or u don't need me at all!! Peace!!

Blood boiling!!

I've never in my life been so mad that I felt my ears burning, my head started pounding as I was last night! Can't say tonight cause it's 7:30 am on Tuesday morning! Yelp I've yet to step foot in my bed since about 11:30am Monday am!! Last night the guy that my dad adopted from rehab place tried to pull a fast one, well lies after lies and then the final blow! My GPS that was in carols car was gone! I hit the roof, I told carol he best get his shit and go or he was gonna have a ride in back of ambulance, then he comes outside and dad tells him the gps is gone and he said I promise I didn't see it in there! Very next breath says well maybe I did but I didn't take it!! Blood boiling by this point and I looked that sorry mother fucker in the face and I said you best go in there and pack your ficking shit!! I walked off cause if I hadn't then I can't tell you I probably wouldn't of stopped until the fucker was dead!! I walked back out and dad said go pack your stuff and I'll take you to bus station and then I look online for a bus ticket and the bus station here in tupelo closed at 5:30 pm!! I said the fucker needs to go right now and I'll drive him where ever he wants to go! So at 11:30pm we leave and head towards Memphis! All the way there he never said a word then says as I'm dropping him off thanks christy, I looked at my dad and said that fucker better be proud and count his blessings! My stepmom told me she told him that he done pissed off the wrong person and then my dad said he looked at him and said I know you have and you better start packing or it ain't gonna be pretty!! The boy was so high on something that I don't know if he even knows he's in the world or not!! But as I told my dad on the way home let bye gones be bye gones and let the lord deal with him!! I hope that one day he seeks the help he needs and seeks the help to better himself!! But I've learned a hard lesson and I think my dad and carol did too!! I just hate that it had to be this way!! But that's one lucky soul cause I feel like I could of picked him up by the hair of his head and slung him around like hulk did lockee in the avengers movie!! Until next time blog! Peace!!

Missing you

As the days get longer the more I miss your touch, smell and laughter that we shared. Its been a while since I've seen your smiling face and smelled the sweet smell that only you could smell like.. The perfume you wore, the shampoo you use and the detergent you wash your clothes in leaves a lasting scent that I think about everytime I think of you.. Missing you is like eating with no fork or spoon, your smile lights my world, your voice gives me butterflies in my stomach, your eyes makes me feel like I'm the only one in your life.. Missing you so much that it hurts and I want to sleep until the next time I see you or hear you voice.. Every time I see a text message it makes me long for you more.. It makes me want you more and more. The time will come one day when your in my arms again... I miss you!!!

Those words just flowed from my mind to my fingers to write that. I hope the one that its meant for will read this blog and know that it came from the heart.. Its hard to love someone but you can't be with them and its hard to live so close but yet so far away. Its sad to know that someone else gets to see her face and see her smile that melts my heart and hear her voice that gives me butterflies.. One day maybe, Ill hold her again.. Life is made up of choices and choices sometimes comes with regrets.. Sometimes the regrets are as little as letting her go or seeing her walk away with out saying I love you. But you know sometimes regrets are better than not and sometimes they hurt more than they probably should. Well, blog I think Ill go take a nap.. Peace until next time.. 

If only......

Reading over some of my past blog entries tonight brought back so many memories, somethings Id forgotten Id even posted and somethings that should probably be deleted but you know one things for sure.. This blog has taken my rants, raves and abuse that Ive given it with every word that Ive spoke in those long and short blog entries.. Tonight, this entry is just gonna be something that ive been thinking about and something thats been weighing on my heart.. I need to get it off my chest.. I know my dad did bad things to me and my mom hasn't been the mom that i wish i had and my dad ain't really been the dad that i wish i had either. Then there comes a time that you have to go thru the bad to get to the good.. I had stepmom's that hated me, and now i have an awesome stepmom that loves me for me and would do what ever she could to make me happy or help me in any way possible. My dad brought home a 26 yr old boy from the rehab place and I feel like it was God sent that these two men end up in the same place at the same time. I guess I gained a new brother and a new sister in law and nephew.. Yes hes married and has a 2 yr old son.. His number one goal was to get clean and be a father to his son and get his wife back.. I think thats amazing. I'm proud of my dad being the man that he is and didn't leave a brother behind. Now, on to something else..

Today, I got to see someone it was a great visit with this person. Its been a few months since we've seen each other and we had a great time.. I then went by the cemetery to see my grandmother one more time, after my visit with Lisa, i guess i needed to tell my grandmother how i was doing and what all was going on.. I felt like she was listening to me and when I walked back to my truck I had a sense of peace..... I miss her dearly but I know shes not suffering anymore. Today, I told Lisa something that Ive been holding back because of the regret that might follow but she took it and told me how she felt about what I said.. I felt better after I said it to her and told her what I meant behind it and how i came to the conclusion. Lisa, is so easy to talk to and so understanding of my pain im in daily because she suffers some of the same pain. I have others that are easy to talk but i truly don't know if they really know how bad I hurt or how much it hurts to do this or that. With Lisa she does. I wish that I lived closer to her so I could see her more often but you know when we do get to see each other its a good visit.. Just like when I see missy its always a good visit and we always have a good time. Laughing, talking and even occasionally crying.. Just like with Natasha it was always fun to hang out with her, she could always find a way to do something crazy to make me laugh so hard I'd about pee in my pants. Yes Missy and Lisa do to but you know we all have friends that come in our lives for different reasons. We might not quite know the reason at first but then we will once it becomes clear.. 

This blog has been my shoulder when i needed someone to listen, this blog has been my venting post and I couldn't ever bring it down. It will always be here when I need it and it will always be my most treasured piece of work. I dont' know if anything I say makes sense to anyone else as long as it gives me the peace i need to be able to sleep at night and rest well, then Ill keep, posting stupid things like this blog tonight. But for all that read it and I know theres some of you out there.. If ever you have a chance to comment please do.. Tell me how im doing and what keeps you coming back.. I guess i need to see what is going thru someone elses head for a change. Well, blog i must close because my fingers are getting tired.. Until next time PEACE!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight I miss you!!

As I lay here thinking about a conversation I had earlier with a friend, it brings back so many memories of the times we spent at the lake eating subway and just talking!! I miss those days and I hope one day I'm able to see you again!! 

It's been a hard few weeks for me but things are beginning to look up and I'm proud!! My dad comes home from the drug rehab place on Wednesday, I hope this time he's really learned a lesson and will do what it takes to stay off the pain pills! 

This blog is going to be really random but it's just how I am right now pretty random, the past few months have been long because I haven't gotten a chance to see someone, I miss her and hope she misses me a little too!! I guess that time makes the heart grow fonder, and I hope she knows that I'm trying my best to get down there to see her!!! Well blog I dont have much to say!! Peace

Ugh

I guess I've ruined a good thing once again!! Will I ever learn my lesson? Will I ever finally find happiness? Will I ever be someones everything? Will I? Those are the questions that run thru my head right now! I guess I've fucked up again!! Ugh! Fuck it!!

A little something

Times I feel like there's never enough words to describe how I feel about someone or to someone! But times I just start writing and my words flow freely and make some sense! Over the past few days I've searched high and low for something to tell someone how I feel about them!! I looked, I googled, I youtubed, I even searched facebook for clues to fill in my missing gaps in my writing! I couldn't come up with anything so I just started putting things together and this is what I came up with!! The picture that's attached to this blog!! I guess I do have a way sometimes writing things and they make sense! I think she understood and she told me she loved it! That made me feel great! Hope who ever reads this thinks it's good too! Peace blog until next time!