Monday, November 25, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Our trip to branson
Here's a few pictures so far!!
Monday, November 18, 2013
Grieving
That's the part of the book I'm at! And one of the things just hit me so hard that I cried and had to put the book down! One of the survivors was talking about her mother not showing her the love that she needed back then and how she left her moms house to get away from the past and did things that she shouldn't have! Sadly my mother never showed me she cared, she never showed me that she loved me!! She acted like I was a nobody and always thought that I didn't exist and always made me feel like I wasn't anybody but a "punching bag" not literally punching me but talking to me like I was worthless, useless! Just really don't know what they expected of me and why can't they see that I am someone!!
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Another booking writing
Finding the child within!!
I'm not sure what to say or what to do but I'm willing to listen to you and willing to try to protect you! Tell me how you feel? What you need from me? What you want me too do? I'm here waiting!! Can you tell me more about yourself?
Child has responded she's sitting on the ground with a spoon and bowl of water making mud pies, she's in shorts and a t short, her hair is blonde and straight! She looks so peaceful so innocent! She says to me look what I made for us!! Then she tells me to sit down and take a bite! She's looks at me and I see her eyes they are so full of life! I promise you that I'll protect you from the evils! She looks up at me and says yea that's what everyone has said but they didn't! Can I help you make a mud pie? She looks and says sure grab that spoon, dig up some dirt, put it in a pile and then we will pour the water over it! And as we pour the water she tells me to mix it up! Then we pat it into a ball with our little hands! She tells me to take a bite and as I do she says do you really expect me to believe you? I look deeply at her and say yes please I won't to protect you! She finally takes my hand and allows me to hold it as we get up and she walks me around the house a few times just talking about little girl things! She tells me that she would rather play outside than with baby dolls! She tells me people call her a tomboy and she asks me what that is? And I tell her that its we aren't interested in playing with dolls and would rather play in mud, outside or with trucks or army men! She looks at me like I'm a crazy person and tells me that that's what she is! We beginning running and jumping and rolling around on the ground! I tell her to love me and I will love her!!
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Do you know me?
Do you know who I am? I'm a child abuse survivor! It's taken me over 20yrs to come to terms with and be able to honestly say that I have survived! No I'm not healed but I'm on the road to healing! As I lay here at night just waiting for sleeping meds to work just so I can sleep a little bit nightmare free! Do you know how hard it is to be awakened by the site and sounds of your father entering the room? Do you know how terrifying it is to feel your husband rubbing your leg while he's sleeping? Do you know how many times I've had to get up and check to make sure all the doors are locked and dead bolted? Do you understand? Some say they do! Do they really? Over the past week I've had some built up aggressions and I've come really close to going over to his house and ripping all the things I've done for him in his honor of his time in Vietnam and try to welcome him home! Ripping it off the wall and throwing it out the back door shattering all my hard work all my time all my effort and all the money I've spent and all the smiles he's smiled when I gave it to him! As I deal with all this anger and all this pain I feel like slapping the hell out of him and making him pay for all he's done! He's not the only one either I'd like to make my brother pay too but at least unlike my dad my brother has admitted his wrongs and asked me to please forgive him and I did! It took awhile to do it but I asked God to guide me and to weigh it on my brother to ask for forgiveness from God and God told me he had with that conformation I was able to forgive him! I've asked the same for my father and he's ran from The Lord so much that he's not sure which was is up! He thinks by watching religious shows and stuff like that he's doing what is right! All these years I've tried my best to prove myself to him and my mom just so they would love me like they love others all the things I did in his honor I sometimes think back and say you stupid bitch why did you do that! I wasted my life proving to others that I'm worthy and never once put myself first! I've always been the fat kid, I've always been the loner, I've always been told I was stupid! One time I failed a math test and my dad told me I'd never graduate high school cause I was stupid! My mom told me that I wasn't ever gonna do anything in my life cause I expected everything to be handed to me on a silver platter! So you see you probably don't know me and you probably don't understand the daily struggle I go thru the daily fight! I might not ever fully understand why they did what they did! But I do know now that it's defined who I am for almost 30 yrs and it's time that I take a stand and help others get out of the hole they might be in! Child abuse happens when you might think that they have the perfect family! At the time mine started I didn't think my family life was bad! Dad was working, Emily was working us kids had a house and food on table what more could a kid ask for! Mom was working and partying and whatever else she could do with child support other than spend it on me and brother! She did provide a roof although we moved from house to house and she provided food if it wasn't anything but hamburger helper! But what is lost is that love was never shown and compassion was lacking! Mom cared more about going to bar and drinking and dad cared more about making his wife happy and her kids! So do you really know me! I'm sure if anyone reading this has found a few things you didn't know and by the way I graduated high school in May of 1997 and I had a full time job my whole senior year just to help my mother pay the bills! In august of 1997 I started at a junior college living on campus and first time away from my family! I didn't know what I wanted to be and at the time didn't really care as long as I proved to my dad and mom that I could do it! In 2000 I enrolled at Ole Miss in 2001 I dropped out because my grandmother was badly sick and I needed to try my best to take care of her in April 2001 I lost her and the day she was buried I lost my best friend and the only mother I had! In May or June of 2001 my mom and I got into a fight and she told me to pack my shit and go live with my dad cause I was just like him! So I did! In dec 2002 I married Corey! Yea my mom and dad was both there but I don't think I truly loved Corey at the time! I think I viewed it as away out! Also before we got married my stepmom kicked me out of their house I resented my dad for not taking up for me and standing up against her but it all worked out and I can honestly say I love him dearly but over the years I've treated him like shit cause of my abuse I've caused him heartache and pain and I took out my aggressions on him! When I never should of! Looking back I'm amazed he's still with me and I told him that just the other day I said Corey I don't deserve you I don't know why you stuck it out! And I said I didn't love you at first but I saw you as a way out of my life so to speak! I know that hurt him and I know that he's still hurting cause we aren't as close as we once was! The thing is that I'm working on me and I've asked him to work on him! I honestly love this man I really do! It would kill me if he told me to leave! So do you know me? Did you know all that? Well how about this? I've tried to commit suicide 3 times! First time was in 1990 a year after my sister was born I wasn't the baby anymore and I didn't like it so I started cutting and then when I didn't get the release I wanted I took a whole bottle of aleve luckily all it did was make me sick and had the runs! The next time was 2001 June 16 2 months after my grandmother died and around the time my mom told me to leave! I started drinking crown royal, mad dog 20/20, shooting vodka, and took two lortabs, 2 xanaxs and luckily the good lord saved me once again! He made me sick as hell and I said then I wouldn't do it again! Well in 2009 I tried one last time! I took a hand full of lortabs 15 to be exacted all it did was make me really high and really sleepy! Next day I woke up with a headache and I thanked the lord for saving me one more time! Yes since then I've thought about it! I've planned it and I almost went thru with it! Luckily The Lord intervened again and stopped me! So yes I'm here for a reason I truly don't know why but he's got plans for me! I wish at times I knew why he kept me here but I can't honestly think of a reason! So do you know me? Do you truly understand? Have you ever felt so alone in a crowd of people that you don't know if your standing with 1 other person or 1000 other people! Have you ever given up and didn't care anymore about your life? Well I have and yes it's when I've hit rock bottom sadly one time when I hit rock bottom I was raging like a bull in a china shop! I was willing to take everybody down with me no questions asked! Another time I picked up a knife cause my brother in law got in my face and called me a bitch! I didn't point it or cut him but I did pick it up and said don't make me use this! Another time was about a month ago I felt like I was climbing but there was no way out! So now you know my story and my whole purpose of this blog was to tell you that if you've been raped, molested or anything please seek help! Don't take your life! It's not worth it cause the abuser or abuser's will get what they wanted! The suicide hotline is very helpful I've used it a few times they will do all in there will power to help you or get you help! Never give up the fight and don't back down!
Monday, November 11, 2013
Veterans Day 2013
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Another book writing
Seemed like life was going ok when the abuse started happening! I remember that my stepmom at the time wasn't really ready for my brother and I to move in to the house on Bryan dr with dad and her! Life around me was going as good as I expected being that I really didn't wanna move in with dad and them stepmom and stepbrother! As far back as I can remember my room was right off the dining room with a sliding door to outside back yard! He would sneak in the door off dining room and not the door from hall way! It would be early in am and I'd be asleep and be woken up with him touching me inserting his fingers in me then he would get up on top of me for a few mins and penetrate me until I'd start crying cause it hurt! Then he would stop for that moment! It seemed like it happened every night but I might be wrong cause I kind of tried to block it! After it started I vaguely remember wanting to spend more time with him like doing things outside with him then I remember sometimes hiding in my room under the bed in hopes he wouldn't find me! We didn't stay in that house long before dad sold it and we moved a street over and the abused continued! My room was right across from my step brother room it was like a little hall way with a bathroom in middle and it was off the living room! Dad would sneak in early in the morning still seems like he would use that bathroom then sneak in my room! Same thing over and over and sometimes he would make me suck his dick and he would say that feels so good and then get up and leave! I was always wearing jogging pants or shorts and a Tshirt and he would undress me every time and caress my boobs and I remember I've always had bigger boobs than most girls at that age! One Saturday morning my stepmom Emily got up and I heard her in living room and then my door flew open and she caught dad red handed! And she never said a word in front of me but she was crying and then he got up and ran out to find her! I remember him saying that it wasn't what she taught it was just he went in there to check on me cause I had a bad time of wetting the bed! But I never wet the bed until the abuse started and that's when they bought me the diaper thing that beeped when I was wet! After we moved I didn't wear it as much cause i had started trying to do better about wetting bed cause Emily told me I was stupid for doing that and young girls should never wet the bed or their clothes! After she caught him she left and at first dad said that it was mine and Scott's fault that she left cause she hated us! And then he would say she was cheating with another man! Then is when he was in between woman that he started making me take bathes with him and sleep with him and stuff like that! Then seemed that it was like the abused started slowing down when he had a woman! Then he broke up with Rhonda and abused started happening again!! Then he meet Jacque and it slowed down to none then my brother started!! Another blog
Saturday, November 9, 2013
No Soldier Left Alone
Please take the time to Support Ruck for Warriors on Facebook.. It is a guy that's doing RUCK marches to spread the awareness that no one is left alone.. There is help out there for all things that a person might need that has dealt with War, or just about anything. and they have a store.. Check it out.. I have ordered these two bracelets in the picture one is For Devin a terminally ill child in OHIO that has less than a few months to live. and the other is PTSD awareness...
Then i'm posting a picture of the photo i did for the page of the CEO/Founder doing a RUCK..
RUCK ON!!
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
I don't remember
Another writing exercise I don't remember I can't remember the feelings or the way I acted out as a child! I can't remember the way I felt or the way that it all started I don't remember the way it ended or what happened when he got caught or how he felt or how he made me feel better! I don't remember saying much during or do I remember the actual feelings
I Remember......
Reading this book at the end of the memories chapter it said to write about what I remember about my childhood!
Looking back as far as I can remember I lived with my dad part time and my mom part time! She drink all the time and at the time my dad was married to my first stepmom and she had a child so I stayed with my mom and we lived in Sherman just right passed Martha and Tommy Hudson and on the same road as Mavis! Every weekend seemed like we was always down at Mavis' house full of people drinking and partying!! Then when it would be my dad's weekend my mom would drop us off at my dad's house on Bryan dr in tupelo! His wife Emily didn't really care about me and my brother and would sometimes make us stay outside all day only to go in house to use bathroom! That's when I started having trouble making it to the bathroom so I would wet my pants sometimes! Her way of punishing me was to make me wear pants in the summer and take my shorts away!! Then when my mom would have us if we wasn't at Mavis' house she was pushing me off on Martha Hudson then when Margie and mark moved back to mississippi she would put me off on them!! Sometimes Friday night I wouldn't see my mom until late Sunday afternoon! So all weekend long I'd be away from her! Then I remember my dad saying something about he was mad at my mom for drinking around us kids and so we moved in with my dad and Emily! At first it seemed to be going fine then I remember they made me wear this diaper thing that would beep when I wet the bed cause I was such a hard sleeper! And that's when dad would come in my room to wake me and change out the diaper thing! I was about 8 or 9 I'd say! Then we moved with dad and Emily to the next street over and soon after that move my dad started coming in my room and getting in bed with me! He would finger me, make me suck his dick, then times he would get up on top of me and penetrate me! I would cry and tell him to stop and he would say this is what daddy's do to there daughters I didn't know any better because I was so young so I believed him! Then one Saturday morning my stepmom walked in my room and caught my dad on top of me! She left a few days after that and never told anyone! Dad would always tell. Me and my brother that it was our fault she left! Then that summer my brother and I was at my moms and she had moved to water valley to be close to my grandmother and was living in the back yard of my aunt Pam's house in a trailer and Scott came into my room and was making me suck his dick and my mother walked in on him and told Scott that that was wrong! I also told my mom what my dad had done and she never said a word! Then she pulled me out of school and made me move with her! I guess that's her way of taking me away from him! But that didn't matter cause on the weekends he would touch me and make me take baths with him and even bribed me with baseball cards and also told me that the more I did to him then I'd get more baseball cards! So then my mom decided that one summer she would send me to stay with my dad for 2 wks cause she didn't want me around! In 1989 my half sister was born and in 1992 I moved back with my mom! So that's when it finally quit or almost quit! Dad married Jacque and he started drinking really heavy and the weekends I would be there he was drinking and most of the time ignored me! I vaguely remember him coming in to my room one time during that! My mom moved around a lot during 1989-1992 cause I have a vague memory of her living in Oxford close to my dad's mom! And I remember my brother telling me to jack him off one day while my mom was at work! But I was still living with my dad at that time soon after that I moved In with mom! When sister was born it was like my mom pushed her off on me and made me grow up at the age of 12 and it was hard to raise a child that's not mine and don't know what the hell too do!! And as I was raising my sister my mom was drinking and running around I remember her having a few men and never care about her kids! A memory just came up and i was probably about 8 or 9 when my mom would let Mavis keep me while she worked and Mavis would put me in the bed with her and I remember waking up with her hand between my legs and caressing my legs then she would make me rub her between her legs and touch her! I remember telling my grandmother about all this and she never told anyone and she went to her grave not saying anything! I remember cutting myself during my high school years! And then I started college and started drinking and smoking cigs but never started drugs then I started working my senior year in high school cause my mom said I was old enough to work then I best find a job or get out! I worked until 2001 and that's when I got fed up with my mom and my grandmother died! So I called my dad and new stepmom carol and they told me to come move in with them! So I did! I was scared at first but dad never did anything else to me but I was old enough to kick him now! When I moved out my mom told me to go live with my asshole father and be stuck up his ass! The day I left I wrote her a note that said your a worthless mother and I won't ever be back! Never moved back! Started dating a guy names Randy but also was searching for a female but never found one! Then me and randy broke up and I met Corey and the rest is history! But he's asked me to do things that I just can't do! I can't suck his dick! When we have sex sometimes I have to think that it's a female cause the thought of sex sometimes makes me sick!! I remember being abused and it hurts me and I've shed so many tears over all this! And it needs to be out! I will work to help spread the word!!
Monday, November 4, 2013
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