Poundering my Life

With the doctor's appointment luming about my knee that isn't doing well at all. I had an MRI done last week and I had this gut feeling that it wasn't gonna be a good thing, so then i decided to just deal with it and let go. So, I went several days without sleep worring about the results because I had the MRI done on friday and had to wait all freaking weekend to get the results. On Monday, they called me and told me that I had a possible torn ligament. I laid in bed all day and cried because the people that I love and trust to pick me up out of the dumps i was in couldn't do it. Corey was at work, when i needed him to be the person that he is he couldn't be because he was at work. Missy, was with her girlfriend and kind of blew me off a little. But you know that hurt because it seems that when they need me to be the most sincere person that i can be, i step up no matter what im doing or where im at if i can stop to help them out of the dumps i do my best to do just that. Ive learned that we can't expect everyone to be like us so we just have to go with the flow and move on. Im not leaving either of them behind, just time for me to get myself out of this dump feeling im feeling. After wednesday when I go to the knee doctor and get a better understand about what is going on maybe ill be out of the dumps. Until then, its time for me to make myself happy and not rely on others to make it better.
Next, sexual frustrations has caused me to resent my husband more than i have in the past. Its been many months since Ive wanted sex and i wanted an orgasm and he couldn't even do that. But, im just a selfish person because i wanted it. Thats what he told me the other night, that i was selfish and one sided. But, its ok for him to get off but im selfish for wanting to get off. So i told him that i was going to find a woman that could help me if he couldn't preform. That didn't make him any mind and i then told him that if he came in and found me in bed with another woman he better not say a word because i for warned him that i was going to cheat on him. He then told me that he was trying to prove a point to me. that when he wants it and i turn him down how he feels. But what i tried to tell him was that i just didn't want sex i wanted to get off and he couldnt do it. It just was very frustrating.
Sometimes, i have to step back and look at my past in order to find the ispiration to keep going. It gives me the strength to get out of bed when i just wanna lay there and die. Yes, sudicially thoughts have flooded my brain, ive even gotten to the point that i was gonna just give up. I love my life but when I'm at my deepest time sudically thoughts just feel my head. I don't feel like id ever kill myself but if things don't look up I might just do that.
I have some amazing friends that have really come out and shined when i needed them most. Alot of times, when life gets hard your find out who your real friends are. I want to take a few mins and thank them for the times they given me and helped me thru so much. First, Missy, no matter how much we have been thru we have managed to pick up the pieces and move passed all that and thank you so much for helping me get thru some of my difficult times. You know me pretty well, and know what makes me tick and what makes me push on and what to say to push me on. thanks for all youve done. I couldn't ask for a better friend in you. Corey, yes i know that you thought i wouldn't say thank you to you because you think i hate you but really in truly i love you with all my heart and thank you for being there for me when i needed and loving me for me despite it all. Your a great person no matter how much i might act like i don't love you. I do love you. Next, Dana, wow where to begin, its been over a year since we first met and my gosh the things that we have done and be thru. Girl, you mean the world to me, you have helped me thru so much, done so much for me that i couldn't begin to tell you how much you mean to me. Your so much fun, thanks for all you have done for me. Your great. Cheryl, well, its been many years since we met and became friends. It wasn't until this past year that we became actually best of friends. thanks for all you have done, listening to me bitch about things and being there for me thru some of my darkest times. Well, I have thanked you all for what you mean to me.
Life is a made of many choices in your life that sometimes those choice we don't get to make on our own and have to take them with the situation. Friends is one choice that we can make and when we make this choice we have to look at certain things in them to see if they are gonna be ligit or fake.
Its time for me to close this blog. So thanks for reading and if you want to comment and leave me feedback then please do. thanks for all my reads..

Peace, Love and Happiness!!!!!!!!!!!!

Depression

Sometimes depression kills people. Its been awhile since Ive been this depressed that I could careless about anything I do or doing. I just don't care really to eat or anything. I had a shot in my knee yesterday and it has made my knee hurt worse than it did before I got the shot. It got me down last night. I told my friends that I was gonna just kill my self and get it over with. I woke up this am in a little better mood than I went to bed with maybe I had a little relief from GOD he comforted me with some of my pain and made it a little better. Its still hurting like it was yesterday all day today. I can't strech it out or bend it, it hurts to get up off the couch, toliet and all the other things like have to get up off of. Interesting enough i can get in out of the truck with little to no pain and that is the funny thing. I just feel like giving up, because im sure that im headed in the direction of total knee replacement. Im really scared but i have too much to live for when i set down and think about all the good in my life. I have a great family and friends that keep me going. Thanks to all my good friends. I love you all. Only so long can a woman hide the feelings for another woman and hide the sexual feelings for another woman. For some reason these feelings come back when i get down and out. I guess because I can't do things with my husband because of my legs, with a woman i don't have to use my legs. These feelings are getting so strong that If the right woman was to walk in my house and said one word id have her in the bed and not stop until she told me too. Im happy with my life just need a little action from a woman and i feel like that i would be better. I just need that touch, feel of what a woman has. Maybe one day ill get my chance. Missy and I have been talking and she is happy, so Im not gonna ruin something that is a good thing. I know how it is to be lonely and feel like no one loves you. So I'm not going to even ask for it because i don't want her to cheat on her girlfriend because i know how that feels too. its not a good feeling. I love missy and shes a great friend and im so happy she has finally found her the perfect woman that makes her happy. Its hard to find the right one and when you do its the greatest experience known to man. Living like happily is better than living life with out anyone in you life. Thanks to her she has pushed me to keep going and im going to keep pushing her to be with her woman and make things better. i love you missy. Well, blogger i guess i need to get off here. Ive rambled on for a long time. Good night.

where to start

Its been a long few days since I last posted a blog. So much has happened that i don't know where to begin. First i guess, i should say that i got a new phone and can't blog from my phone anymore. Secondly, I spent 2 nights in the hospital with my husband because he was on the verge of a heartattack. Luckily i got him to the hospital in time before i lost my best firend, husband and lover. We come home on tuesday pm, i took a nap and got up and it all got better until today. My friend missy's ex decided to fucking mess with her and her friends and it just pisses me off. She isn't happy and doesn't want anyone else happy. Tonight, I got up, went down hall way to the bed room to watch the NY GIANTS play on the tv while he was watching something on the tv in the living room. I called missy because her girlfriend left mad and i was trying to calm missy down and let her know that she would cool off in a little bit and things would be fine. Just like i said missy's gf texted her and told her that she loved her thats a good sign that she is cooling off and doesn't want to break up over stupid shit. Then, i got up out of the bed and started down the hallway only to start a fight with my husband. Its like everytime hes in the living room alone and on the computer i think he is on a porn site because he has been caught to many times looking at porn. Now i haven't been with a woman since this time last year because I dont' want to be with one. When missy and i broke up i made a vow to be faithful to my husband. Missy and I have been talking but she knows im happy with him and she understands that i love him. I started off down the hallway tonight and i thought i saw him looking down the hallway at me like he was hiding something. So i said oh here she comes i better close down what im doing and it started a fight. He made a mark that i had hurt him because i was accusing him of something he hadn't done. Then he said well, what if i had said i don't trust that your not fucking missy. I said it wouldn't bother me because i know im not and im not quilty of something. I looked at him and said why are we still together and his reply hurt me deeply, ripped my heart clean out my chest. He said, I DON'T KNOW!!!!!! that ripped my heart cleanly out of my chest that is telling me that you hate me. So, i started crying and i just told him that i was going to pack my stuff up and id be out by morning. I love this man and everyone will tell you that ive come along ways from this time last year. if i didn't love this man i wouldn't be with him right now. I'd left him for missy when i had the chance to leave him. I sit here tonight and told him that if he would quit looking at porn id walk away from missy and never go back. I mean that. Im sorry missy but you know that when you love somoene you will do what ever it takes to keep them and never let them go. I told him i said corey i love you with all my heart, id lay down and die for you, if they had said christy he needs another heart, id told that doctor to take mine right out of me and give it to him and let me die thats the honest GOD truth. Id walk out in front of a bullet if it would save him from getting shot. If that isn't love then i don't know what the fuck love is. Now, i feel like that he will never ever quit looking at porn so i have no worry about walking away from my friend missy. So missy you have no worries. I love ya girl with out you sometimes i wouldn't be here. youve helped me thru so much and pushed me to keep going. If it wasn't GOD's will then we wouldn't be talking today. Thanks for helping me thru all that youve helped me thru and im still here. I love you and i truly love corey russell holland. good night blog..