Happy birthday mamaw

On this glorious day in 1924 my grandmother was born! In April of 2001 she left this earth and gained her heavenly body! That day will live with me for the rest of my life! I miss her dearly, she's missed so much in my life that I know she would of loved to share with me! The memories I have are all that's left, cause it seems that everyone lost all her pictures and other worldly things! Never does a day go by that at some point in my day she doesn't make her presence known! Just today I was watching tv and as I was flipping thru the channels young and the restless was on and my remote quit working at that moment! I knew it was her cause that show was her favorite! She always made sure she was done doing what ever she had to do at 11 am every day! I said mamaw you know I don't care about this show and for 5 mins I couldn't get my remote to work! So I sat there and I watched the whole thing! It's amazing how the little things being up the fondest memories! Over Christmas as I was eating moms dressing I looked over by the stove where mom was standing and as I looked I saw my mamaw standing there! I did a double take and I just smiled and nodded and looked back at my plate cause I knew my mamaw was telling me she was there! The things we did, the laughs we had, the moments I take for granted now are moments id gladly do all over again! From getting up at 6 am to pick blackberries in the middle of the summer, or trying to walk to town and her shitting her pants, to the cows chasing us back to her house! Those things make me smile and I know she's reading this cause I just felt a slap on the back and I heard her say you better not say I shit my pants! Lol this woman was the only person that understood me! She and I was like two peas in a pod! Thanks mamaw for the memories that I cherish and oh how I wish I could be enjoying a big slice of Carmel cake with you right now! I can smell it baking! Yummy!! I love you mamaw and remember one day we will meet again! Happy Birthday beautiful!! 

Answers

Answers from: Monday, December 30, 2013

Mother from book answers later

• what is my relationship with this person like? Very estranged, feels like nonexistence  

• how do I feel about the relationship? I'm sad that I don't have a mother!

• have I told this person what happened to me? Yes I've told her and she's just said I haven't forgotten you!  Is he or she supportive of my healing? She seems to be supportive but then we don't talk about it either

• how do I feel when we talk or spend time together? Sad! I want the mother daughter relationship but not there

• do I take more drugs, drink more alcohol, or eat too much or too little when I'm around this person? I eat more when I'm around this person

• does this person criticize me, insult me, or hurt my feelings? She does hurt my feelings 

• how do I feel after a visit? Depressed? angry? Like I'm crazy? Nurtured and supported? Relaxed? Basically okay but not great? I'm usually depressed, angry and ok but not great! 

• what kind of relationship would I like to have with this person? The perfect mother daughter one

• what would have to happen for this relationship to improve? Not sure unless I just write her out of my life or she writes me out of hers cause it seems that she's happy with just 2 kids 

Saying goodbye

It's hard to say goodbye when we lose loved ones, or friends and even animals! But saying good bye to someone that was once a close friend has been the hardest thing I've ever done! Letting go of a friendship and letting go of the times, memories and other things that we might of shared! I feel it's the best but I also feel that I wish I could have it all back! But no matter what I'll always remember the good times and hopefully one day out paths will cross again! If they don't then it wasn't Gods will for us to be friends! Along time ago my grandmother said "Christy no matter how many friends you have, if you don't love yourself you can't love your friends!" I'm slowly learning to love myself and be me and as I do this transition it's gonna be hard on others to watch! But one thing is for sure I've come up far to look back now! I've walked to far down the lonely road to turn around now! One thing I will not tolerate is "a friend" that doesn't accept me for me! I'm human just like everyone else but one thing that's different is I'm stronger than most! Not physically but emotionally I am! Anyways, good bye my friend! May 2014 be better than any year yet! Don't let anyone get you down! So long and Peace, Love and Crab Legs!! 

2014

The new year came in with a bang on my body! My knees and lower legs are killing me! And I've made a resolution to be honest with everyone if you ask or don't ask I'm gonna be honest! No more sugar coating things! No more biting my tongue and no more holding back! This year is the year if you don't like what I gotta say then find the exit off the train now! Your only one day into the 365 day ride! It's not a roller coaster it's not a carousel it's the ride you might not wanna take! I started healing from trauma from my childhood finally last year and I'm truly ready to move on! Ready to be a new woman! Ready to see what life is like outside the fog I've lived in for years! My story might not be your story but one thing I've learned is we all have a story to tell and we all are strong and we all are worth something! Your life should never end for stupid reasons!! Never give up never fall down and never allow anyone to tell you that your not worth living! Cause you are! Your better than most and what happened in your story isn't your fault! Be free, run wild and be safe for the new year! Peace