Answers

Defined as words to a question! You might say what was the question well the question was what surgery is best for a bummed up elbow? The answer is simple open surgery where they go in and chop away or chip away the bone that well arthritis has taken a hold of! So, tonight I might rest well knowing that life has an answer! I'll do what I can to make it the best I can! Thinking about the previous post and going with that theme again seems real right now! The answer to depression, defeat, hopelessness, helplessness and despair isn't suicide as we all might want it to be! The answer lies within ourselves, it's within our hearts, souls, minds and bodies! The answer is LIFE WITHOUT FEAR! The fear is knowing that you won't ever be whole, ever be well, and ever be the person you are when you fake the smile! Sadly the answer for most is ending it makes my life better when really it makes others lives living hell! Your mother hurts if she's a real mother to you,  cries daily, asks God why, says what could I, what if I, and so on! She wants answers, but really down deep inside she knows the true answer, she knows but sometimes it's hard to admit! She didn't do anything wrong, she was your biggest supporter wanted nothing but the best for you! Most mothers are like that I'd say! Your father might hurt if he was a real father to you if he's not then he feels nothing at all! He hurts, he cries, he ask why, what if, what could I done! The answer is he did all he could, he gave you what you needed to survive, he taught you to enjoy life! A wife/husband will hurt if they are truly a real wife/husband, anyone can marry you but not all love you deeply, if they do they hurt, they cry, they wanna hide, they wanna join you but the answer might lie in how they spent the last few days with you! If you end it after a fight, or after a long day or year of depression then they can be part of the cause! Not saying all are but so many have chosen suicide over a man or woman! It's sad to know that another human can drive you so far off the cliff and alter your mind so much that the depression is so unbearable! I know it happens to me sometimes! After a little altercation with Corey I wanna just end it because I think in my depressed mind that he'd be better off when really he won't be! He will be devastated just like the rest of my family! I'm a survivor, I'm a fighter, I'm a daughter, sister, wife, cousin, niece, daughter in law and friend to so many that I know wouldn't want me gone no matter how much I think it's for the best! The answer is staring you in the face it's called Love your life, your only given one so live it to the fullest suicide isn't living your life to the fullest it's ending your life before you got to see your own child grow, before you got to see that sister marry, that mother hold your child and so on! No matter the darkest moment your in please don't give up just yet! Let God decide when your time is up! Take it from me a person who fights a battle with her mind daily to get up, move, laugh, cry, raise Cain and be a bad b at times! But you know I still got one more fight left, one more round left, one more memory to make left, and one more breath to take before I'm down! You do too, at this moment you might not think so but you do! Remember the answer is looking you in the face! Family, friends, coworkers, even a stranger might need you to show them that it's ok to live and suicide isn't the answer! Never allow the answer to fade from you and don't stop loving yourself, and don't stop loving the ones that truly love you! Brothers, sisters, daughters, mothers, and so on no matter how bad you think your life is remember someone is loving you more than you know! One more thing, I've done in my life that is a tool of coping is hiding the scars of my heart, hiding behind my smile, hiding behind the shirts I wear! It's hard seeing the scars and knowing that everyone is worth it and everyone is a living proof my time isn't up! The mark on my arm from cutting, the mark on my stomach from cutting, the marks internal from the pills are all proof that you can survive no matter how hard it might seem! I know your wondering why I cut my stomach because I was hiding my scars and I knew that it wasn't the right spot but it relieved the pain in my mind for a split second! The taste of metal in my mouth from the gun is still visible today because once you taste it it's a taste you'll never forget! Yes you see life is worth living because there's so much out there to experience for the first time, so much to live for! And so much to strive for! Goal after goal is another notch on my belt in the battle to defeat this monster called DEPRESSION!!!  You too can battle with me and every day above ground is another notch, another goal to mark off! Lastly, thank you for a mother that played both roles, she and I might not see eye to eye but she did teach me to never give up, thank you to a father that taught me that things aren't always as they seem, to my brother who taught me to live life on the wild side then settle down, to a sister that's taught me no matter what battle I'm fighting to keep on fighting, to my husband who I love dearly at times and other times wonder why I married him that taught me to keep going, to keep moving and to always tell when something needs to been done, to my awesome counselor who I should of found about 20 years ago That taught me to let go, take back my life and  not allow anyone the pleasure of controlling it, to my many stepmom's that's taught me to know when to hold on and know when to run!! To my stepmom carol that's taught me to never give up on something that I truly want! To my stepsister that's taught me to fight for the right to party, but really taught me to love myself, to my stepbrother thats taught me to not do things that will get you in trouble and to my many many friends that's taught me to love others the way I want others to love me and that no matter what it's ok to cry, scream, Hang up the phone and even apologize for all the above and still have that shoulder when I need it and that ear when I need it! Thank you all! I wouldn't be living this dream, this life or living today with out your love, support and cheers! May this story help another person that's thinking SUICIDE is the way out! Actually it's truly not, GOD is the way! Peace!! 

Long time gone

Writing this tonight hurts more than any other blog I've written! Physically, mentally and emotionally! Suicide awareness week day month year what ever you wanna call it! I'm a survivor in more ways than you might know my first attempt was in 7th grade when I was being called, fat ugly, 2x4, and other words! I cut my wrist in hopes of a quick easy death to get away from the pain and bullying! It didn't work that way I saw the blood and like most I freaked out! I washed my arm and wrapped it in toilet paper and applied pressure to make it stop! Luckily, I wasn't smart enough to know where to cut because the place I cut wasn't the right spot! The second time I tried was right after I confronted my dad about molesting me in front of my stepmom! I was hurt, I was willing to crash anyone and everyone in my path! I took a hand full of pills but I didn't take the right kind because all these did was make me sleep! No one knows what a person has gone through, is going through to cause them to think they aren't worth living! The thoughts cross my mind more than I want to admit! Every time I've attempted I never told anyone 1 because when you reach the end you don't want anyone talking you out of it, 2. I felt as if, if I was gone then everyone would be happy, not thinking of others but thinking of myself! 3. When I'm gone I wouldn't hurt anymore, i wouldn't be stuck in a room with no light anymore! No matter what others think when a depressed person is down they are down! There's no magical cure, no magic pill, no magic healing can take place! Crying is a release as well as feelings of suicide! Until you walk in a persons shoes that's stuck in a hole with no light, no life and daily struggles to try and stay alive then don't judge that person, don't talk about that person and lastly don't ever tell that person to snap out of it! There's no snapping out of it, no shaking it off and no just walking away! It's not that easy, daily I struggle to get up, I do though as my day progresses on I feel a weight pulling me down and making me feel lost, hopeless, helpless and defeated! Depression is an illness that has no cure, alcohol numbs the pain, drugs numbs the pain but when your not drunk, drugged the pain can be so unbearable that death is your only avenue! This week I'm living proof that suicide could of been the answer because yea I've thought about it, I've wanted nothing more than to just end it, I wanted to do it in a way that I wouldn't hurt not one second! I wanted it to end quickly and shooting myself is the easiest way! I'd never do it to where anyone would have to see the remains and be reminded daily I'd do it somewhere that wouldn't be noticed! Talking with my awesome counselor today I told her I'm ready to give up, she told me that so many are pulling for me, cheering me on! I know they are but the giving up feeling is greater than the feeling of being loved at times! Giving up is easier for someone like me that their past is a vast resemblance of the future! Pain, sadness, hopelessness, feeling of not wanted has been my past and as I type this at times I think it's my future too! I love you all and please don't be the next victim of this depression crime! Live through my story of survival and love yourself and respect yourself to not put your family through the pain of remembering you this way! Suicide is easy for you but hell for others! Depression is hell for you but easy for others! If your depressed please seek help, if your suicidal please seek help! If you know someone that's attempted, thought, spoke or hinted then please reach out to them! Because you never know what a person truly feels behind that fake smile, behind those bright eyes! I've faked my smile for so long it hurts to actually smile for real! I've hide my pain for so long that others think I'm faking when I'm being honest! Faking is like suicide easy to do! No one knows so no one understands! You are the only answer to life's problems! Your life is yours to live but try and live it with a real smile, a real answer! I love you!