At times the words that form in my mind don't come out right on paper! I feel so lost, I feel so helpless, I'm down and not sure why! I guess I miss the times when I had a life that others wished they had! I'm bored sitting at home day in and day out, I just get tired of sitting here and not having nothing more to make me wanna get up, I just wanna say fuck and walk away! Ugh! 

Blog, I just feel like others don't wanna be around me, I met a really cute girl and she's not even spoke to me since, I mean damn if I'm that ugly or that your not in to me just tell me! I want be mad but for a min but these women just don't even speak to me ever again! I just don't get it! Well blog it's over I'm not looking anymore they will find me! Peace!!

Sometimes I wonder....

Does the world ever slow down? Do we all take life for granted? Does anyone care that I haven't blogged lately? I guess my mind wonders to these far off places, that most people wouldn't care a thing in the world about! I guess it's just me at times I wish I didn't think at all! That I didn't care about things or ppl like I do! Sometimes I just wished I was able to go to sleep and not wake up! Yes I've thought it before! Well life is busy and we all have to slow down sometimes!! Well blog this is it for a while! 

Hmm

Well, last night hurt me so bad that I just wanted to end it all!! I just wanted to say fucked and be like its over! But today was a little better, had lunch with my friend and she cheered me up!! Thanks Stephanie!! Then, I wrote my mom a letter! Yes I sat down and wrote her a letter, I felt she needed to see how much pain I was in!! She needed to hear it first hand how much it hurts! I guess that I need to tell her that I'm so hurt!! I hope that she will see that's shes hurt me! I'm just really ready to say to hell with it!! But I'm a little better!! Just gotta let go! Peace!

Hmm

Well, last night hurt me so bad that I just wanted to end it all!! I just wanted to say fucked and be like its over! But today was a little better, had lunch with my friend and she cheered me up!! Thanks Stephanie!! Then, I wrote my mom a letter! Yes I sat down and wrote her a letter, I felt she needed to see how much pain I was in!! She needed to hear it first hand how much it hurts! I guess that I need to tell her that I'm so hurt!! I hope that she will see that's shes hurt me! I'm just really ready to say to hell with it!! But I'm a little better!! Just gotta let go! Peace!

Feelings!

I've let you walk across my heart for the last time! Tonight was the finally straw that broke the camels back, yes your my mother but as far as I'm concerened your dead! I asked you 2 days ago to take a few days off and go with me to Atlanta to see the braves play and you told me you didn't have the time to take off! Tonight you call me and tell me your going to Atlanta tomorrow and you even asked me how to get to 78! That means your coming thru tupelo! Was I asked to go, no why because you already told my sister, her friend and my cousin you'd pay for all of it! Yes your a fucking asshole! I wish that I could tell you just how I feel but I can't! Do you not understand why I don't come to see you often? Do you not understand when I ask for some mother daughter time just us and you always say heather wants to go! Fuck can I not have time with my mother? What is so fucking wrong with me that you hate me so fucking much that you don't want to spend a few mins with me! I just don't get it! I'm ready to say fuck you and just walk away and never look back!! I can't deal with you cause I'm too weak and you know it just pisses me off more that you go out of your fucking way to do for my sister but push me away and push me down! You bragged about things to me, what I'd I fucking bragged about everything I did to you! You know from now on I care not to see you ever again! You can have my sister and brother! I'm done!! I'm over! Peace

Been awhile

The more I think about you the more my memories flood my brain of the happy times the times I thought I couldn't live with out you, but also all the times that you told me you loved me, but it seems that you've moved on with out even looking back!! You've moved on and didn't once think about all the times we had! It hurts to see you with someone else to see you so in love, but I'm learning to move on and it seems that the ones I like just don't like me! I'm so tired of trying and no one cares enough to say hey I can't see you no more cause your such and such! I mean damn just tell me! It'll only hurt for a little while!! But anyways, life must go on and life must continue this up hill climb that it's on! Good night peace!

Well...

As the days continue to be dim and my night continue to be spent hoping I've learned something that I'm proud to say the other person cared more about my feelings than I did! I was living a little loosely and my friend reeled me in for that I'm thank full! I couldn't think her enough but I'm not gonna say that it doesn't hurt cause it does! It hurts cause I still love her and would do what ever to be with her but tonight I realized that she knew better than me! I've given up the fighting feeling and the hope of another day! It's gone, I'm done! I've official over it! 

Sometimes it takes me seeing it and hearing it and I guess it almost slapping me in the face for me to realize that I might mean well in my mind but in reality Its not for the best! Today I should say being that is 12:36am I'm going to see Lisa and I'm gonna have a long talk with her! I'm at a point in my life I need security, I need the knowing that something might happen soon! I don't need the well I don't know, maybe, or maybe nots anymore! So, I hope that things are ok soon! 

Last thing blog that's been on my mind is that if I don't get some relief soon I'm gonna end up not where anyone wants me to be! Either mental hospital or grave! I need away from this place, away from this thing called home! It's sad that I feel I need to go away to just be happy! I'm trapped and if I don't get out soon it's not gonna be safe! Anyways, good night blog! Until we meet again!

Disappointed

My friend told me she wanted to see me on several occasions and it just seems that every chance we get something always comes up! I know it's hard when your trying to not get caught by your sneaky husband, but times you need to learn to tell him to leave you alone! Yes I told her I was heartbroken cause I've waited so long on something that's never gonna happen I guess! I guess I'll just kick a few rocks and keep going, then comes my other friend that's going thru a difficult time and is confused but I try to tell her that I'd be willing to show her the things she needs but she told me that she didn't want to hurt me again but little does she know until she reads this blog she already did! I was willing to share her with her gf and show her the affection, attention she needs cause the very same thing I need at this very moment! It's ok cause I do still love her and yes I probably would of been hurt worse than now maybe tonight just wasnt a good night! Maybe today was just a bad day! Maybe I was wearing my heart on my sleeve when I should of just kept inside my shirt, maybe I'll learn one day that it's meant to be worn inside and not out side!! Anyways, I must try to sleep, maybe I'll have a dream about someone else! Not sure who but someone! Anyways Natasha I do love you and thank you for thinking of me enough to not take my hints and to not let me fall deeper in love and get hurt worse! To the other person mentioned in this blog that doesn't have a clue this site exist your day will come that you get your hopes up and nothing happens as planned! Pay backs are hell! So sorry!! Anyways peace! 

Waiting on daylight!

These nights get longer every day, the days seem like they are longer too! The hours that pass are killing me, but the moment I see you Itll be like no one else is around! iWeb the morning comes I hope that you've rested and your able to see the new day! This past month has been long but the days are closer til I see you again, I miss you and love you but I'm not sure if you do the same! It's been tough but I've gotta keep going, can't wait for the right moment, cause how do I know when the right moment will be? I don't! Enough about that! 

I've been a relationship advice giver the past few days, I don't know all the answers, I don't know what to say, but I do know how they feel and how much it hurts! I guess I'm just a good person to forgive easily and forget quickly! Maybe one day I'll be a little harder and not be so easy but right now they need a friend to help them thru a tough time! Ones breaking up and the other is not sure how she's gonna tell the one that walked out on her she's not sure she's interested! But I guess we all deserve a second chance and we all should try one more time! I might not be good enough for either of these friends that I've given advice too but one promise I made them both was I'd always be there friend! My other promise to them was to be there for them to lean on, and be a shoulder to cry on, and be the friend that I promises them I'd be! No one deserves to be hurt, no one deserves to be upset, no one deserves to be beat down! We all need that someone that's willing to push you when you need it, hug you when you need it, hold your hand and tell you it's gonna be ok! A true friend will stand beside, in front of you to shield you, behind you to push you but never will a true friend tell you to walk it alone! They will be there for support, to cheer you on and to wait for you in the end! Why do you thing friend ends with end cause a true friend will be there til the END!! 

Life isn't easy, nor is it fair, never will it be fairly easy, life is short but one thing for sure you hold the power in your hands to make your life full of happiness, and to make it complete! The choices you make today will have regrets tomorrow, but the regrets tomorrow will help you make the right choice the next day, never look at something as a bad thing because if you do then it will be a bad thing! Always hold your head high, and remember someone paved the path you walk with many trials and many tries! You too can make it, just gotta keep trying! Never say you can't because can't starts with CAN just like friend ends with END! You CAN be here until the END! I love you All!! Until next time! PEace!

Hmm

"I think you still love me, but we can't escape the fact that I'm not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I'm not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I'm not angry, either. I should be, but I'm not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong." 

These words have filled my mind a thousand times but I couldnt quite get the words in order to make the sound right! But I found it tonight and omg I cried as I read it!! Memories filled my heart and dried my tears, but the scars are still deep! Well just wanted to share blog!! 

Hmm

"I think you still love me, but we can't escape the fact that I'm not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I'm not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I'm not angry, either. I should be, but I'm not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong." 

These words have filled my mind a thousand times but I couldnt quite get the words in order to make the sound right! But I found it tonight and omg I cried as I read it!! Memories filled my heart and dried my tears, but the scars are still deep! Well just wanted to share blog!! 

Wasting my time

Ive been wasting my time on something that's never gonna happen, I've given up hope and I'm moving on, it's time to take what's left and move forward! I guess that the time I wasted was worth one thing a whole lot of nothing, it's been a fun ride but as every ride at some point in time it must come to a stop! I've given this one too much of my time and too much of my life! So from this moment on I shall leave to the others as I care not to waste anymore time! Ugh frustrated and I'll but I'll live peace

Damn it's hot!!

Yes it's summer time in the good ol Mississippi!! I wish I had a pool or lived close to the beach cause then I might not complain about how hot it is, cause the ocean is calming and the San between your toes is amazing!! I was coming home from taking my friend to work and a song came on the radio that reminded me of times when my grandmother was living, times we shared and times that would always bring joy to my eyes and heart!! I wish I could remember how the song went but I was so caught up in memories that I didn't really pay attention to the song, at times I pull out a picture of her and look at it, just because I know I've got a special angel looking down on me!! One that knows me like she's knows the back of her hand!! Sometimes I sit and listen to songs that remind me of things in that might of happened in my life at some point!! The lyrics to one song I told to someone just today and that song is "You are not alone" by Micheal Jackson! If you ever sit and listen to those words they have lots of meaning, they show a lot of feeling and they will remind you of something or someone! It always does me! Not only one person but it reminds me of a lot of people! But I guess that it has more meaning than some songs I've related too! It's on the list of go rest high on the mountain, songs that I can't listen too with out shedding a few tears! But today over all was a good day, did some computer junking and talked to several friends, helped one friend figure out her husband was really a loser and she needed to sign the divorce papers that's she's been holding on too just for hope I guess! I really not sure why but then I told another friend how I felt about her and I guess she got the hint! Ya I mean ya know don't call me or text me only when something is going on damn it call or text me all the time! Fuck being a fair weather friend, I ain't got time for that, told another friend that she got a taste then got scared and oh that didn't set too well I guess today was just down ppl day lol! It's all good, life will reset itself and things will be alright or if they ain't then you wasn't a good friend anyways! Well blog I guess I better get my azz in bed, cause I told margie i might come see her tomorrow, so I guess I better sleep while I can! Peace!! 

Searching

Im searching for the one thing that can make me really happy, the one person that will love me like they've never loved before, the one something that will for fill my life with happiness and respect, honor and diginity and hope! I had it one time but let it slip thru my fingers, now all that's left is broken promises and endless friendship! More than I can say for other things, more than I can say for some people! If I ever get the chance again, it want slip thru my fingers this time! They say time heals all wounds, heals broken hearts, heals most anything but one thing it doesn't heal is the scar that's left behind! The scar that I look at daily and say why oh why did this happen to me! The scar that's there to remind me of where I've been, what I did and the scar that reminds me of my days gone by! The emptiness inside of me is overwhelming at times that I feel like I'm gonna drown soon, the feeling of being alone, the feeling of not knowing what to expect from anyone or anything! The loniness that feels my heart when I cry out for someone to love me! I look at the scar and I see why I'm empty, why I'm alone, I'm just too good to be true! I can't love someone else when I don't love myself! I say I love you and I mean I do love you but there's something deep inside of me that says the love isn't true cause I feel I may never be with you fully, I may never have you all to myself, life will never be complete until I find the missing piece of me! I thought I did 10 yrs ago but it's not the right fit, I thought I had 5 yrs ago but it wasn't right either, over a yr ago I thought that was the missing piece but that wasn't the right fit either, I now think I've found the right one but something's telling me it's not right either, so where is the missing link to this puzzle, will I find it before its too late, will I have a chance to see it before its too late, will I ever find the right fit for me that's missing? Only time will tell! To all reading this blog I'm sorry if I ramble on about nothing but all the words on this page is what's rolling in my head! Peace

Sometimes

I wonder what it would be like to just get in my truck and drive, not stopping but to pee, fill up and sleep! Maybe sleep, I'm just a little lonely as I always am! I got only a few friends that I talk to no one to actually hang out with that's here in tupelo! I mean I have one friend but Dana works all the time and she ain't got time for me, I just don't got anyone else! Yes I'm lonely and bored and my mind is going a thousand different ways and I just wish I didn't feel so alone in this big ol world! I wish I had a girl to call my own and her call me her own but I don't! I wish I had someone to hold me and not want just sex I mean I need some attention not just sex! But that's all he wants, fuck that I need affection, I need love and attention! Anyways I guess I'll just close this blog and say fuck it!! To hell with it all peace

If you only knew.......

What I feel down deep inside, what I want more than anything else, where I'd love to be and what truly makes me smile! Would you still be here, would you try your best to make what I want happen, would you go to the place id love to be, and would you do what makes me smile? Ponder those questions and I'm sure the answers that your gonna give are gonna be something like this! I'd be right there with you doing all things that make you happy! Down deep inside of me is a person fighting to get out daily, she pushes and shoves, and doesn't make it but a few steps daily before I slowly push her back deep down inside of me, why you might ask because the girl inside of me isn't socially accepted and I'm sure I'd lose the few friends I do have and I'd lose the few family members that's left that love me, and as ive said I wouldn't be accepted! Fear of rejection out weights everything that I've ever longed for! Fear of retalliation against me is something that I hold high, and fear of losing my family is even higher! 

Today I had my infusion and there was a woman in there that was so sick from cancer that she gave me the motivation to keep going! She was about 85 yrs old but said young lady don't let this get you down cause I'm still driving myself around and I'm still kicking you can too!!  It made me think about the times I about gave up hope but one thing it did was give the girl inside of me a little confidence to keep pushing me to let her out! So I ask myself what do you do? And I told myself that happiness is what I want and happiness is what I need and I am somebody and the somebody I'm with doesn't want me to be somebody so I've decided that I work on slowly allowing this person deep inside of me to come out! It's that time that I find who I really am!! Good night blog! Peace!