....if.....

About 2 years ago I had to remove this ring from my finger because my RA had taken its toll on my poor fingers the day I had to take this ring off it about killed me, since that day I've been trying to save this marriage! I got tired of not wearing it so I went and had it stretched a little, then we sent my engagement ring and Corey's wedding band that he's never wore off to be sized! I'm really hoping he wears it and wears it proudly, I mean it makes me sad to know that he want wear it! But before I understood why cause he did a lot of manual labor and now he's more of an office person! I guess I feel a sense of closeness with us both wearing them! As I lay here tonight thinking back over how far we've coming in just over nine years, it seems like we shouldn't be together but we've stuck it out and we've tried hard to make this thing work! Life has its way of testing you and getting you to the breaking point and holding on by a thread! It's hard at times but at times it's worth all the trials and snares we've went thru! One thing that I can say honestly is that I've given this marriage my all! It's been a fight but as my grandmother taught me you don't back down, you keep getting up for more and you keep trying harder! That's what I've done and that's what I'll continue to do! Good night blog peace!!!

Been a while

Not really much going on so I guess I don't have much to say! Other than someone asking me something when they knew the answer then got mad when I told them the answer! But you know sometimes the truth hurts! I wish I could find someone to hold me and snuggle with me with nothing in return but a little nap! No sex involved at first! I just want to be held, I can't find that person and that really hurts too cause I guess I put feelings into it when I shouldn't! I've fought back feelings for someone and now I see that it's best I keep fighting them back cause that person really ain't ever gonna leave her husband and be With me! So I've decided that I really do love my husband and I guess I better try to make this thing work! Although I've tried so many times before and now it just seems like that I can see where my trying has helped in any way! Ugh! Well blog my eyes are heavy ill type more later!

Rainy days

I miss my grandmother more on rainy days than any other time, I feel her presence more than any other times! She's watching over me daily I know but days like this I remember sittin in the hall way, and all the doors are shut because she didn't want the glass hurting us if it got really bad! She'd hold us as we cried when the storms got loud! She'd always say its gonna blow over soon and sure enough must of the time it blow over quick and she's always right! I love her like I did the last time I saw her alive! I wish I could sit beside her bed and just talk to her one more time! One more hug, one more kiss, one more spoken word, one more moment in her life! I just feel like I'd feel better for one more moment! If only heaven had a phone, a road or free passes! I know there's not but one day I'll see her again! I still smell her old ppl smell, I still remember the last thing she said to me!! "christy im ready to go home!" I said, "Mamaw close your sweet little eyes, and ask the lord to take you!" a day later we got the call at 630 am that she took her final breathe in her sleep! The end to 2 yrs of suffering, was finally over! The end to the pain that she felt daily was over and the beginning of the griefing process for us began! She'd never want us to grief but that's part of living! Little did I know soon after that I would watch her only brother pass away! I was in the room when he took one of his final breathes! Little did I know 8 yrs later my other grandmother or like grandmother would finally enter in to heaven, to be greeted my the angels! She's flying high on the wings of the angels, shes seen my grandmother and I'm sure theyve shared many stories of me!! Sad stories, funny stories, and I know the both are with me daily! But my pain in my heart is felt daily and will be felt until I'm reunited with them again! Lord, knows the pain I'm in, he sees my hurt but he's also made me the woman I am today! He's made me this strong person I am! Thanks to the lord and my two favorite women that taught me how to love and how to live!! The end!!

When enough is enough

Sex, the three letter word that every man wants on a daily basis, they get it one time it's like a ticking bomb waiting to explode! It's like they gotta have it or they can't function! Well I've had enough, tonight was enough! I'm ready to tell him to go find a woman, to fuck all he wants, maybe then he'll leave me the fuck alone! I just get tired of hearing it day in and day out! I don't think any woman wants to hear about sex daily! Ugh! 

Next thing is I'm bout ready to say fuck it all and blow up! I'm tired of the same people coming to me and asking me things and helping them they there problems but when it comes time for me to need them or want them to be there for me hell they done fell off the face of the earth! It's like they all run when they see me coming! Hell, of you don't like me just tell me damn! Don't get my hopes up then be like excuse after excuse! Ugh it just pisses me off! Well blog that's all! Peace

No words

Its been several days since I've wrote a blog, guess that I don't have very much to say! I'm a little lost and confused but I know this shall pass! Just not sure about somethings! I think I need a little get away from the world! I need to be away from everything for a little while! Just time away and think about things! I guess since my moms little episode I've not had much to do or just ain't wanted to do much! I really wish she understood better but she probably never will! Just in need of some mother daughter time that Ive never gotten and probably never will! But that's just life I guess! Ugh! I'm missing someone but I'm sure they don't miss me! Anyways, good night blog just not in the mood to write!!