Words

I saw something today that said Watch the words you speak because once they are spoken they can never be forgotten but only forgiven! That's so true and it's true in a lot of ways! Blog this one is short cause I'm sleepy! But anyways never speak something you don't mean! Only speak what you feel!! Peace

Thinking

As I lay here thinking over my day I've realized that I'm not the person I betray to be on the outside! I'm not this strong person that people think I am!! Behind these big brown eyes is tears, pain, anxiety and hurtfulness!! The tears only show when I allow them, the pain is inevitable, the anxiety is overwhelming at times, and the hurtfulness is breath taking! Tears are like rain drops once they are shed or allowed to fall then there's no getting them back, there's no way to bottle them up and say hey hold this for another day!! Just like rain you can't stop it for and start it on a day you might need it more!! The pain is deep that creeps up every so often to say hey I'm still here, it's there whether we believe it's there or not!! It's there and it will take you by surprise!! The anxiety of waiting for something or finding out something or just meeting someone new or just anxiety of going out in public, hurtfulness is the hurt that's felt daily by something either not going right, someone saying something, or just the fact that you've been hurt before! It shows its head when you least expect it and it causes you to hurt others when you really didn't mean too!! The pain of hurting others can be so overwhelming that you feel the need to take your own life! But little do you know they will hurt worse when you do leave this world than when you stand beside them! Last few days a good friend of mine has been going thru some hard times and she's ask my advice several times and I've tried to steer her in the right direction I'm not really sure I have or not but I've given it my best shot! Tonight she texted me and the trouble she was having isn't resolved and really it's only gotten a little worse but coming from me and having been where she is I knew what to say and I hope that those words I spoke will be true in a few hours when I wake! Relationships whether man/woman, woman/ woman or man/man all have trails, tribulations and a few fights! No relationship is perfect and no one is right! With this situation one said something to the other that really hurt and I know it hurt cause I've been on both sides of this situation! The only way to fix the problem is ask questions the first one is what do you want out of this relationship from this point forward! The other party will answer one of 2 ways! 1: I want us to work past this and continue on our life's as one and let our love be the best form of healing! (something like that) 2: I want out of this situation and I never want to see or talk to you again! ( or something along those lines)! If #1 is the answer then they'll hug, kiss and leave there happy, of #2 is the answer they might hug, kiss and I'm sure both will leave upset, crying and do forth! Heartache or heartbreak isn't easy to deal with! It takes time to heal, it takes patients and it takes a few good crys! But once you get past being mad at the other person, then you'll begin the healing process! Never has it been said leaving a relationship would be easy! But you must leave it knowing you gave it your all! If something happens to Corey and I! I know for a fact I gave my all to try and save it! I gave 110% and nothing less! If anyone I know says less ill slap the wholly fuck out of them!! Including him or his family! Life is full of choices and with those choices comes regrets, and with that regret comes hurt and with that hurt comes anger and with anger comes pain! Then once all those things have past your able too look back and say damn I made it one more time!! To those reading this blog, it took a long time for me to finally realize that the person you see isn't the person on the inside fighting to get out! I've held on too long to give up now and to all reading this your just as strong as you allow yourself to be! If you tell your self your weak then you'll be weak but if you go into every situation thinking you know the outcome already then your always gonna lose the fight! Remember no one is perfect and no one is right! But don't allow others to push avid shove you with out fighting for what's right! Peace!! 

Confused

As I lay here confused at what I should do and confused at what's been said to me! I wish I knew what my heart really wanted, I wish I knew what was holding me here! If only I really knew what I wanted out of this damn life! I've got really good friends but I still feel alone in this big ol world! I feel like nothing makes me happy, nothing gives me the peace of mind I want but one thing!! That's something that's got me so confused! Affection, attention and love! I get all those when I see someone but can I go one like this once a month thing! Can I keep going not knowing if she'll ever leave her husband and can I still walk this walk! I want this but I'm not sure I'm ready! Long distance relationships are hard, it's getting harder daily to not see her! How will I ever be able to be with her? I feel like that Ive fallen in love but how does it justify the time apart! I just don't understand! I guess I feel free with her!! I got a friend that's been having a tough couple of days and I've tried to be the good friend that I think I am! But I don't know if that really helped her or confused her too! I still love her and always will! That's never gonna change, that's never gonna stop me from loving her! I wish her the best with her gf and hope that things work out great for them two!! Life's full of what ifs and why didn't I's! If she'd given me a half chance I'd be with her today! But when Corey and I split I think it freaked her out and she didn't really know what to do!! So she did what she thought was right and that was leave me cold turkey! Yes it hurt, yes I hurt her by something's I said but it doesn't erase the love I had then and still have today for her! I just want her happy! I want her to be happy with who ever she's with!! Same goes for missy I've always wanted her happy!! That's my ultimate goal is to make sure they are happy! That makes me happy!! I guess I should be happy with that!! Yea I am but I still love them both! Well blog I've cleared my mind let me try to sleep now!! Good night world! Peace!!

As I lay here thinking about my days this week! Wednesday was great got to hang out with Lisa and becky!! That was awesome, then I keep thinking just why doesn't this one person want to see me! I keep telling myself it's because of our past! But then I don't know! I feel like its probably a good thing we don't see each other cause of the past that we had!! I hope that one say though all that will be past us and we can have a little lunch date so to speak! Just catch up on life and things that's been going on around us!! Hope that everything works out for this person!! Hope that things truly begin to look up for her! Thanks for the memories that play thru my head daily!! They are great memories!! Peace until next time!!!!

What do I call this blog hmm

As I lay here like usual wide awake like usual! I was reading over a few text that I got tonight and one said bestie, you know you told me I was as strong as I wanted to be so I've decided to step up and be a woman and be as strong as you! That made me smile! Cause someone looks up to me and my strenght to get me thru somethings!! Then I deleted it and next was a text saying the person wasn't as strong as me and didn't know if they'd make it or not!! I said don't make me drive over there and whip your ass hold your head up!! Well the reply to that was yea ok!! Lol well it takes a lot to be me! I'm just a down to earth country girl that knows what it feels like to fall in love, what it feels like to be loved and what it feels like to be hurt! Yes I've hurt feelings, I've stepped on toes and I've made people cry! But I've been hurt, ive been stepped on, and I've cried! But you know one thing has never changed in me in all my life as far back as I can remember is that I find away to pick up the pieces and continue one my way until the next curve, bump or ditch comes along!! It's been awhile now since I've felt like I was free and it's been a while since I've felt like I feel about someone!! It's taken a long time to get over a heartbreak or a heartache but I'm still me! I've picked up those pieces to that shattered heart and some how found a way to put them back together!! Yes it's not as whole as it used to be but I guess it never will be!! I'll always love my first boyfriend, my first girlfriend, and Corey!! That'll never change no matter who I fall in love with or who I end up living rest of my life with!! I was in love with missy, Natasha and Lisa!! There's a place in my heart for all of them! There's always a place in my heart for them! No matter what happens or doesn't happen I'll always try to be friends with them all! It's nice to have such great friends, cause I connect with each of them differently, they all know me on different levels, they all know something about me that a lot of people don't!! And they all care about me! Blog you've took my hardest hits youve listened you've never once hurt me and you've always been there for me! Reading over some older stuff and I probably should delete some of it cause it hurts to relive it! But blog that's what your here for, for me to vent, clear my mind, and stomp my feet or even pitch one hell of a fit!! To all that read this blog, your feedback is welcomed!! And to all that want to send me a private message my email is rebelpride77@gmail.com I check my mail daily!! I'm gonna put a picture on this blog of me from the other day!! I look like damn it but maybe someone will see it and be like haha don't she look cute!! Well blog it's getting late!! Good night!!

Success

Today was great, he loved it! He sat and stared at it for a few hours and it made me tear up cause I knew he was proud of it!! He's amazed at all the hard work I put in it and all the time I took to research the proper placement of things!! I've enjoyed it and I know he'll get many years out of it!! I love my dad, my hero!!

As this day comes to a close, I got to say that it was a pretty good day!! Even though Jody wasn't here with us we made a visit to the cemetery and I kneeled down and laid my hand on the slab and said happy fathers day Jody!! It was a heart breaking to do but I did it!! Now, I know some of my friends that read this blog don't have there dad here anymore!! I don't know what it feels like nor will I say I do!! It's not something that I've ever endured!! But be thankful for the years you did get with him and the years that he was still on this earth! Tonight, as I was leaving my dads house I started to tear up cause I don't know what I'd do with out him! I don't know where I'd be without him! No we don't have a perfect relationship but you know he's still my dad!! I'd be lost for sure! To all that read this and see this whether your dad is here or gone be thankful!! If he's still here take a minute every week and call him! If he's gone and you can go to cemetery go and say hey! He's not there but he does listen!! I thank god for the memories of Jody, and for having my dad still with me! Good night blog!! Thank you dad, my hero!!

Fathers day

Well, any man can be a dad but it takes a real man to be a father!! My dad is just that a dad!! He's not been the greatest, nor has he been the worse either!! Times and things happened but he's still my dad!! A dad that fought in Vietnam, one that got spit on when he returned but you know he's always been my hero!! He'll forever be my hero!! I don't know what he's been thru, I don't want to know! But one thing is for sure he did help make me, help mold me into the woman I am today! He always took care of me when I might of needed something!! He's my dad and this fathers day I honor him with giving him another shadow box of his dress jacket with all the insignias and patches! Yes I'm very proud of my dad and I want him to be honored to have served and I want him to feel the love that I have for him! I want him to be happy and proud of the things I've done for him!! He's my dad and I shall honor him on this fathers day!! Welcome home Dad! Your my hero whether anyone else says you are or not!! Dad your my all American hero!! I love you and will always be daddy's little girl no matter how big I get or what path I walk I'll always be your little girl! Youll always be my dad, my hero!! I love you!! 

Blog, it's been a great day and tomorrow when I hand my dad this new shadow box it's gonna be the best day!! I'm honored to call him my dad!! It means more to me than anything to honor him and love him thru our ups and downs!! No matter the bad he's done he's my dad!! Fathers day is a day to honor our fathers, it's a day to show them we love them!! Never does a day go by that I'm not a proud daughter of a Vietnam veteran!! My dad is my hero!! Well blog I must close now tears are filling my eyes!! Peace!

Amazing......

How one text, one message, one phone call or just one little hello from someone changes your whole day!! Makes you feel like your someone and wanted! It's hard to know that when it seems everyone is against you!! Just like tonight I see that my mom is the greatest mom!!  It hurts to see that cause she never did anything great for me! She pawned me off on every Tom dick and harry she could just to go out and get drunk Every weekend! I didn't know where I was gonna lay my head come Friday night, Saturday night and some Sunday nights! I guess at times i just laid my head where ever! It's sad to say that most of my childhood I spent here there and yonder! If I was with my dad was messing with me, my mom left me with who ever! I guess I should be this way! I should feel like I'm only good for food and sex! That's what my husband says, my mom thinks I'm no good my dad must think I was good for something like sex too! He did!! Well I guess I'm just as good as the next person!! Ugh! Peace

Thinking

Posted on Wednesday while camping!

As I lay here thinking back over the days that's gone by! I can't help but wonder what would Mamaw think of me now, what would she be saying now, and why did aunt Jeanette have to go so soon! Life is a precious gift that we all should take for granted! I was watching a movie again the other day and it reminded me of a girl that killed in a car wreck! This movie makes me think of all the ones that feel so alone that we just walk on past! Never stopping asking are you ok do you need a shoulder to lean on!! I couldn't tell you the number of times I've had that feeling of being alone! Just the other day in the mist of fishing I felt like no one wanted me or wanted me around! I told my friend that I was giving up because of the pain I was in and she said no your not cause your stronger than that so suck it up and keep going! Often times we say yea we understand something your going thru when really unless you've been thru it you have no clue!! So next time someone says I understand the pain your in ask them since when did you get RA, or what ever! Because unless you have RA, ovaries problems, lupus, depression or anything else then you really don't know the pain I'm in! I suffer from RA, Sevre Depression, and PTSD! Unless you've got any of those or even ever felt depressed then what do you really know? Next time that woman, man or kid walks by and looks weird or just not like most people look like don't judge them don't say she's weird cause you don't know her story, you don't know her home life, and last you don't know what she's thinking!! Trust me I hide my thinking from most everyone that knew me! It's not like I wanted them to know that I just took 9 pills, or I just thought about shooting myself or that I wanted to slice my wrist! You don't know what goes on daily in my head it's a constant battle! Think before you say I understand!
If only we could take back one thing we ever said to anyone, or if we could take back one punch to a brick wall, or if we could take back just one mean ill willed thought towards someone else! Just those one things could of made a difference in a life of someone! Until I get home blog! Peace!


Sent from my iPhone

Things I miss most in life! Here are a few pictures of things I miss most, if I could have one hour with these things I think I'd find happiness! One is my grandmother, my supporter, my world, my life! Shes gone but totally not forgotten! Another is my step grandmother, one that loved me for me and never once said I wasn't her own, took me under her wing and raised me like any grandmother should! Another thing is my friend Natasha, she used to make me laugh and still does when we text! She always knew how to brighten my day and make things seem right! Thanks Natasha for all the memories she's probably gonna kill me but I'm putting her picture here too!!!! Next picture is my best friend one that knows all my secrets and refuses to tell anyone, I don't see her often enough but when we do get together we have the best time! Marty, I love you and can't wait to see you again and we go get out butterfly tattoo!! Picture after my best friend is my grandmother! Next thing I miss is my friend missy yes we've had some ups and downs but we've tried to remain friends, she's helped me thru a few things in my life when everyone else ran she stood by me! Thanks missy! Not the best photo! Then my other friend that knows when to send me crazy pictures of her self when I was depressed! Thank you Becky for brightening my life with your presence! Next i miss the times me and margie would spend together at the casino, abd just spending time with her! I miss those days but lifes been crazy for us both and this picture was taken the last time we went to casino together! Shes like a mother to me, loves me and has help mold me into this woman i am today! Thanks Margie!! Last but not least the thing I miss is my friend Lisa! She understands me on levels that a lot of people don't like when I'm hurting cause she suffers the same things I do with RA! Lisa's gonna kill me cause I stole her profile picture off facebook! Lol but I don't care!! I miss you all and hope to see you all again one day! Heavens too far away, water valley is full of drama, pontotoc is not a good place, smithville is a long drive, Sherman isnt that far just too lazy, and Grenada is even a longer drive!! Well blog, good night!!