Confused

As I lay here confused at what I should do and confused at what's been said to me! I wish I knew what my heart really wanted, I wish I knew what was holding me here! If only I really knew what I wanted out of this damn life! I've got really good friends but I still feel alone in this big ol world! I feel like nothing makes me happy, nothing gives me the peace of mind I want but one thing!! That's something that's got me so confused! Affection, attention and love! I get all those when I see someone but can I go one like this once a month thing! Can I keep going not knowing if she'll ever leave her husband and can I still walk this walk! I want this but I'm not sure I'm ready! Long distance relationships are hard, it's getting harder daily to not see her! How will I ever be able to be with her? I feel like that Ive fallen in love but how does it justify the time apart! I just don't understand! I guess I feel free with her!! I got a friend that's been having a tough couple of days and I've tried to be the good friend that I think I am! But I don't know if that really helped her or confused her too! I still love her and always will! That's never gonna change, that's never gonna stop me from loving her! I wish her the best with her gf and hope that things work out great for them two!! Life's full of what ifs and why didn't I's! If she'd given me a half chance I'd be with her today! But when Corey and I split I think it freaked her out and she didn't really know what to do!! So she did what she thought was right and that was leave me cold turkey! Yes it hurt, yes I hurt her by something's I said but it doesn't erase the love I had then and still have today for her! I just want her happy! I want her to be happy with who ever she's with!! Same goes for missy I've always wanted her happy!! That's my ultimate goal is to make sure they are happy! That makes me happy!! I guess I should be happy with that!! Yea I am but I still love them both! Well blog I've cleared my mind let me try to sleep now!! Good night world! Peace!!