Wordless Wednesday

Whew

This morning I had my counseling appt and I must say I love her! She's so easy and she just listens and is trying to help me work on things that I need to work on! This road I've blocked out for a very long time! It's hard to even begin to relive it again! After that I came home and picked up where I left off on putting all my braves baseball cards in the computer! And that's a task! Then this afternoon Corey got off early and wanted to go over to his moms to bush hog the property so we could see a deer when we try to deer hunt soon! It was so growed up you couldn't see nothing if it walked in front of you! Then had church! And I'm really thankful for good friends like Missy who has stood by me, pushed me, listened to me, and even held me why I cried! And all the hell I've put her thru she's still stood there for me! I can't begin to thank her enough! And Debbie who in the past year has been there for me too! Friends like that makes a girl happy! 

First squirrel hunt!!

Today I went on my first squirrel hunt with Corey! We had a great day and although I didn't see or shot a squirrel but Corey did! I did ride the 4 wheeler and had fun! Then we started home and he stopped by Walmart to get dog food and a few things! We get home I get my clothes off and all of a sudden the feeling of throwing up overwhelmed me! I can't even eat supper cause the feeling is there even the smell of it has caused me to wanna puke! Well I know this blog shouldn't be about throwing up but it did happen and I just took some phengeran and hope I feel better when I wake up! I just don't understand why all of a sudden I feel like this! Ugh! Well blog it's been a good day! Going to bed peace 

Coping!

Upon reading the book that my counselor asked me to read called The Courage To Heal: A guide for women survivors of child sexual abuse! It's got a writing section after each chapter and the first one was effects and this one is coping! I've used alcohol to cope, I've ran from my problems, I've even isolated myself from others as a way to cope with the abuse and pain I've been thru! This blog has seen first hand how I've raged out of control cause of this abuse! Alcohol eased the pain for a bit, then when it quit working I got back into collecting baseball cards and I blew $$$ on them then I tried gambling and that eased the pain! Then I'd drink more and more and then I'd consume myself with my job I was all about the job I wanted to know more do more and best I could be! The other way I coped was cheating on my husband with other women! While I was women I was in control of my life! I controlled them I controlled everything! Then when I finally realized only one your hurting is your husband and that your running from the problem! At times just haven't read but 2 chapters and the more I read the more I see myself in every bit of it! It's almost unbelievable how much I see myself! There are something's that sound just like me just like the person that's done all that!! The only thing I haven't done is drugs! I was addicted to energy drinks, and collecting baseball cards! I've since left the drinks alone and I still collect just not like I was! I don't waste my last dollar on baseball cards like I was! As the book goes on I feel the anger and rage building in me! And it talks about that if you don't feel that then your not ready to heal! I'm more than ready! 

The Effects

The abuse I endured is still felt daily because I hate myself, I hate my life! I feel like that I'm good for nothing but sex that's all that it seems anyone wonts from me! It's caused me to run from the only person that's loved me my husband it's also caused me to think of others when we have sex and I have lots of flashbacks when we have sex! Sadly it hurts deep inside to have sex! I feel limited in my life cause I can't seem to get passed the pain and how he still denies it and said that I was lying and how my mom never believes me or done anything about it and I think it caused me not to be able to go farther in college cause I was always told I wouldn't ever be successful and I was stupid! I still blame myself for it and I will always! Over time I've tried to be strong and develop strengths in knowing that one day he will get his judgment and so will my mom and brother as well! Ive tried to live in the lonely world hidden from all and left to deal with things! I seem to use the best coping skills I can but at times I don't feel like I really know how to cope! My strengths are being able to live and not kill myself! I've tried but luckily I didn't succeed! I've asked to be taken away and never to live another day but I'm still here! One day I'll be whole and one day I'll be the woman I was suppose to be! And I won't let this abuse cause me anymore pain! 

All I ever wanted

Was to be loved, and have loving parents that loved me! That's all I wanted and all I still want! Seems that my dad's never really shown love the way most dads should! Always seemed he loved his wife's kids and not his own!! And my mom seems to have only 2 kids and never had the middle child!! All I ever wanted was love!! I think that I've been searching my whole life for that one person to love me! Can't say that I didn't love Corey went I married him but I think I was looking for a way out and for someone to love me! I've caused this man so much heartache, pain and strife that I don't deserve him! He shouldn't still be with me but he is and I really feel he loves me and I now know I truly do love him! I told my counselor that very thing the other day! And I told Corey that too! Love is the hardest 4 letter word you ever have to deal with! I've searched, sought, and tried to find on my own and I can't find it own my on! So I sought out counseling! Hopefully I'll be able to find it! Just thoughts 

Fantastic Tuesday!

Started off this morning with my baby girl dragging the clothes basket up and down the hall!  It's ok cause I needed to take my meds before 9am so it was fine but it was funny! Cause every time she would try to run from it with the sock in her mouth that was in the basket and the basket was chasing her! Then I got on Facebook looked around and then called my friend missy and we talked about baseball cards, football cards and other things! Then my stepmom called and we chatted until she got to her counseling appointment! I texted with Debbie for a few minutes she just didn't feel good! Then I went thru some of my cards and separated them into teams and took out some that missy wanted! And put them away! Now just to get the rest out of the kitchen and put away in the cabinet! So they are hidden and presentable! Then I cooked supper had a craving for baked chicken so I took the skin off and seasoned it then baked it!! Corey put on some corn and green beans! So we ate supper! Tomorrow I start my counseling appt and I'm nervous but ready to get it all out and figure out how to get past all of it! Kind of scared a little but I'll be ok! I know I will I've lived with it this long I'll be ok! Doesn't make me hate my mom less or my dad less but will help me deal with it all and finally get some help! Well blog that's all for tonight!   

New outlook

I've started new meds, and sleeping better than I have in months and I'm on a stronger dose of my cymbalta and it seems to be helping with my depression! But today I got some good news I've lost 39lbs since jan and I feel good I hope I can keep it up and keep it coming off! I go Wednesday to my first counseling appt and I'm a little nervous about it! Never been in a counseling session for the things that happened to me as a child! Sadly the things that happen have caused some sad times in my life and some hard times and more or less caused a few broken friendships! And I regret a few friends that I lost but some just wasn't meant to be! I guess one thing that I miss in some of the friends that I've lost is when ever I needed that pick me up they was always there! I guess at times I just turn inward and so many don't know how to handle it! The feeling that you get when life has thrown you many curve balls and your trying your best to control them all it gets hard and I withdraw from everyone! And I guess I shouldn't but I feel like if I withdraw I can deal with things and then come out of it!! Right now it's been the hardest time pulling out of it! And I might if lost some more friends in the process! But if I have then if you can't handle me at my worse then you might not can handle me at my best! Many more times I might withdraw and many more times I might be at my best! But the whole purpose of this blog is that I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone or have caused anyone pain! Right now I'm in a dark place a deep dark place but I'm slowly climbing out! Although this hole is deep I'm trying my best to pull myself up! And it's an up hill battle! And the hill is steep! 

Another note: sometimes I just need that one thing or person to make me smile! Today I was so excited about my weight loss and I texted or called everyone and everyone was proud and at one time I had 4 or 5 conversations going on and I kept up with them all! Then all of a sudden everyone quit texting! It makes me feel like that everyone got bored with me! I guess my excitement didn't mean much to anyone that was texting me! But it's all good I've gotten so used to it by so many ppl that it's really not a big deal and I don't know why it bothers me cause all of them have a life! One of them seems to only text me when she's in need! Or when she wants to complain about someone but when I needed her she texted then fell off the face of the earth! That hurts cause 99% of the time I try to text ppl right back!! Unless I'm away from my phone as in its charging or I've gone to bathroom and then got busy doing other things!! But it's all good! Peace! 

Dear mom

Hello mom, I doubt you will ever read this but if you happen across it I hope it speaks volumes to you! First, yes a lot that happened in my childhood with my father has to do with my PTSD and depression but a lot has to do with you too! You pushed me off on him, and anyone else that would "watch" me for the night! And you never knew this but Mavis touched me a few times and made me touch her! Why do you think I got the feeling for wanting to be with woman? If you was a better parent and actually cared for my well being and not where you was gonna get your next beer and who you was going out with! You might of known that things where going on! You didn't give 2 shits about me then and you haven't cared about me in the last 24 yrs for sure cause of heather and don't get me wrong I love her to death she's my sister but your trying your damnest to make up all the time you lost with me with her! Now since we are on heather subject when was the last time you picked up the phone and said hey Christy wanna take a me and you weekend? Never and you never will! You have 3 kids whether you admit it our not but you do! But I think you've lost sight of the middle child and the middle child is about to loose sight of you! No I don't expect you to call me daily or ask me to go somewhere weekly but it would be nice to have a little time just you and I! And since we are on that subject then you know your first born isn't the saint you make him out to be! You caught him in bed with me when we lived in the trailer behind Pam and Dale but did you do anything no! Well later in life he made me suck his dick repeatedly! And I even tried telling you but you wouldn't listen! So why don't you keep putting him on that pedestal that you've kept him own! And as your doing that watch me slowly slip away! It's too late now, it's too late to make up for lost time! You will see one day when I quit calling, or texting or visiting that you've lost me! All this I go thru daily comes from the lack of having a mother figure that cared about me! I lost the only mother I knew in April 2001 and you wonder why I acted out! You told me to pack my shit and move in with my father and that's what I did! Never to return! And no matter what I won't ever return!! You've made your bed now lie in it! I'm done so long! Peace!! 

If only....

Tonight this blog comes after a very hard few days! Days that I look back upon and think wow I made it thru the valley of death by the skin of my teeth! A few days ago I started planning my end! I wrote a note to my mom, sister, brother, sister in law, dad, stepmom and lastly Corey! It was my final good bye and I was telling them that I loved them and that I was sorry but I just couldn't take this anymore! I planned out what I was gonna do and how I would do it! Just like I did before! But before I cried for help and this time I wasn't gonna say nothing! I didn't won't to shoot myself cause I didn't won't Corey coming home and finding me like that! But all that matters was that I really thought about it and turned against it! I've got new meds now and i hope that it helps! Life is just so hard at times that the thoughts are a constant battle! But I'm still here to tell my story and hopes that it will encourage someone else not to do that! Life isn't worth killing yourself over I've figured that out! So please get help! 

Fantastic Tuesday

Long time no see!

Yea I haven't blogged in a while but I guess I ain't really had much to say! But this blog is gonna be about something that's been on my mind for a while! Yes I have a mental illness, I have a physical illness, and I have an internal illness! A few months back I got invited to join a "support group" called curing cancer with a smile, no I don't have cancer but not everyone there did! Most did and some was care givers or supporters or so on and so on!! I noticed that thru out the time there that everyone's focus was on cancer and they never really allowed others to show then or help them to put cancer on the back burner for a day! I mean really if your there for support you don't really wanna here about cancer every hour of every day! Well I don't I don't wanna hear about my illnesses every hour or second! Then I realized that really it wasn't much of a support group! Then it was brought to my attention that some drama had happened with a friend of mine in there and I knew then that it wasn't a place for me! So I left, now mine you most thing like that that I take part in don't dwell on that fact! Offering support comes in many forms! The first form is by being a good listener and secondly by just virtually hugging the person and saying its gonna be ok! Now I know you think that's stupid but really when I'm down and out about my illness and other things in my life a virtual hug makes my day! Also having someone that listens fully and doesn't down play my problems with there's it makes me feel better too! More often than not we as humans don't fully listen when ppl tell us their problems and 99% of the time we down play them with trying to explain ours! When we really should just shut up and listen! It really makes me mad when I'm talking to someone or texting someone and the reply with well this is how my day has been! Really damn can I not have a few mins of your time! I try my best to be the best listener I can! I try I might not be but I try! Often times in life we run across that one person that hangs on to every word we say! But more often than that we don't even come across that person! So next time someone is telling you about something please take the time to listen cause you never know what might cause the person talking to snap and do something stupid! 

Another thing that makes me a little angry is when you text me, and I respond but you respond and so on the all of a sudden it's like that person is gone! I get we all get busy, we all have our life's but damn it if I take the time to respond to every text you send me then by damn at least say hey I'm busy or I'll be back or something! I have several friends like this and they wonder why I don't text that often any more! Well hell when I respond I expect you to respond! One friend just today we was texting back and forth and boom it's like 6 hrs pass and then it's same cycle again! I'm tempted to change my number and not give anyone my number just so I don't have to worry about well is so and so gonna talk/text today or not! Just how I feel! Maybe it's just me! 99% of the time if I don't respond right that second I get it I'm either sleeping, cooking or my phone is on charger in a different room than I'm in! But 99% of the time I respond right the second I get the text! 

Done for my rant peace