Well you figure ppl out very quickly

Im so proud that before the new year I learned a very quick lesson! I figured out a few people and im so fucking proud of that! It took me a long time but I've learned a hard lesson! Never again Never again! It just amazes me how others show there true colors when they really was putting on a good show! Hmmm Thank YOU for showing me who you really was! I just didn't realize it until now! So peace out Mother fucker and never speak my name ever again! Don't text me or Nothing! Its over! Fuck off!

One day

Everyday that I open my eyes I thank God for another day! Every night I close my eyes I see my life flash before my eyes! I see all the sad times, the happy times and most importantly the most precious memories! I see my grandmother smiling at me, I see my mom waving bye to me and my sister when she'd leave for work! I see my dad hugging me and Scott when he'd drop us off for a weekend! Then I see the day my grandmother was called home to heaven, I see my uncle Paul laying there in the hospital bed taking his last breathe, I see Corey's dad laying in that hospital bed taking his last breathe! Its times like this I need someone to hold me tight and tell me its Gonna be alright! Its times when I can't sleep That I miss my grandmother more and more! I wish I could call her up Cause she'd gladly tell me to come on over get in bed with her and she'd hug me and hold me like a baby! But heavens too far away!

Something else that's been on my mind more and more is that at times I feel like im too damm nice! Like tonight I cooked supper for us all, mushroom soup covered pork chops AND mashed taters! I know how to cook, but my dad kind of hurt my feelings a little! He said I almost sent you back to cooking school and make you learn how to cook! That hurt a little cause I Thought I'd done a Good job on the roast and pork chops! But its OK ill live!

Another thing that has my mind thinking, is I have a friend that I love dearly but sometimes I feel so used by her! I feel like she's using me for this and this and that! It just doesn't seem like I ever get the thanks I deserve for the things I do or done! I guess its just me but there is times that a little thank you would go a long ways! But you know I guess some people just wasn't raised like me!

Another thing, I might be a bitch at times but I've never in my life felt like im a cold hearted on! Yes my heart might be cold to Some but its not to All!

Well blog I've said enough spoken words to piss someone off but it'll be OK! Night

Talking

Today was a trying day, I left home with my mind made up that the best thing was divorce I came home with a different outlook on things! I do love this man and he knows That! But I laid it all out for him! I told him if he was Thinking he was coming out smelling like roses he was dead wrong! Cause I wasn't walking away with out a fight for something that I deserve! I've Been with him 9 yrs! I wasn't gonna allow him to Think he'd gotten off Scotch free! He wanted to work things out, he wanted to both go to separate counseling and then marriage counseling! I admit that I have anger and depression issues and that I need help! No doubt in my mind I do! So im willing to go cause I know I need it! Not only cause I want to try to work on this but he must go to counseling too! He needs to get help dealing with his addiction! So he agreed he'd go too and we'd go from there! Just gotta try is all I know to do! Its not gonna be a quick decision it'll be a decision that's made over a period of lots of Thinking AND lots of counseling! I will Never Ever be able to give up the feelings or wanting to be with a female! Its Been with me and its not something that's ever gonna stop! I don't care Who says they can they Are absolutely crazy! Well blog my hand hurts! Good night

As the days pass I get the feeling that you never loved me like you said you did for 7 1/2 yrs! Its been a long two weeks and the times I needed you, you just showed me you truly didn't love me! But as I continue to look at my future I see that its truly uncertain! I really don't know where im gonna live, or anything at the moment! But, I feel like this might be the best decision I've ever made in my life!
Im tired of fighting back the feelings I've fought back all my life! Its time for Christy to finally be who down deep inside she truly is! Well, blog its Been a trying day and tomorrow doesn't look any better! I guess that's the part of living! Thru all my trails and troubles ill finally come out a little stronger!
The things that go on daily only makes me feel like im stronger than I really ever thought I was! I guess I best try to rest now blog cause tomorrow is the day I meet with him for first time in 2 wks! Peace!

GIVE UP

As I've apologized a thousand times for something I've said and wrote out of anger but no one seems to see That im truly sorry! I write these blogs mostly out of anger and hurt! But no one seems to see that! I've tried and tried to make her see that im Sorry! I guess my im sorry doesn't stand any ground to the words that's already spoken! It seems like yesterday her and I was laughing and talking! But today she's angry at me and I understand why but if it had been me reading it if she'd apologized I'd accepted it and dropped it! I guess that some can't drop things as easy! I really do love her and always will love her! Since last Tuesday night when I left that hospital and went and seen her! She was on my mind then AND has been every since! I saw her for a min on Friday and she was very pretty AND I wanted her to be with me forever! I Never wanted her to GO! She Was on my mind constantly, but one blog that was posted out of anger ruined all that! I guess that it Truly was for the best! I guess its the only way to ruin something that I'd hope for one day! I guess life will continue on! This just caused me more depression and more heartache cause I never in all this time wanted to hurt her! I never intented on causing her hurt and pain and ill will towards me! I Never wanted anything to cause us to lose something we had! But I see from the latest Text I got that she's probably done with me! Whatever...Have a wonderful day! Was the Text! I guess that means leave me alone the rest of the day! I shall let her have time and if she feels like talking then she can contact me! Until then ill Not say anything else bout it or to her Cause im hurt now that I hurt her! Im just not happy with myself! It'll be OK I guess! Well Natasha if you read This please know I do love you and I always will and im sorry! I truly am sorry! Your not like them and I see that and that blog was written out of anger! Please accept my apologies! Please!

Not worthy of a subject

The first time I looked in your eyes my heart skipped a beat! Then my lips touched yours and I felt fireworks go off in my head! Then I wrapped my arms around you and my heart beat with yours and my breathes was in sync with yours! It was truly a match made in heaven!
Well, I truly Thought it was, but now as the days pass and the nights get longer I see that it just wasn't a match made in heaven! It was just me heart leading and searching for love and I fell for the first one That came along! My heart was growing cold and I guess that it was ready to feel warm and cozy again! But I should of just walked away and Never looked back! But I looked back when I should of kept walking! I guess that im just gonna never learn my lesson but i think this time I learned! Im not letting my heart out of the cage until I know its absolutely positively true! Its like everyone is out to just rip my heart out and parade around with it for all to see!

When you see me walking by just keep on walking! When you see me out with someone new just keep on walking! When your heart screams What did I do just keep on walking! When you see something that reminds you of me keep on walking! When you see my truck in the parking lot keep on walking! When someone says where's Christy just keep on walking! Cause that's what you've done to me you've kept on walking! Don't look back or shed a tear when you See me walking out That door! Just remember it was your decision to walk on by!

I feel like walking and Never Looking back and Never second guessing myself! But then my heart says Christy your crazy! I feel like he's not regretting anything he's done and he's not worried about me cause in 2 weeks he ain't bothered to call, Text or come by to see if I was OK or nothing! All I've gotten was an email telling me about divorce and Then random text! Non said baby Come home, I love you or anything like that! I just feel like divorce is for best! Lets just walk away and cut our losses and just start to rebuild our lives! But I guess he wants to draw it out! Just ready to move on! I'm trying my best to move on from the girl of my dreams! The one I felt the most connected to! The one that makes me smile! I gotta move on she's not ready to be fully committed to me so I must move on! She's asked me a 1000 times not to wait on her and that she's never gonna be able to promise me forever! So im pulling my heart out of it but my heart is hanging on to that last kiss, that last hug, that last look in her eyes! I miss her and my heart hurts for her! But I guess its for the best! I just don't understand why I can't have a happy life and the people that are in it want me happy! I guess the lord knows best! Its time I move on and just quit hiding for who I really am! Im not this person that I've lived like I am all these years! I just gotta find myself! I need help finding myself! Im bout to consider a counselor and find One I can talk to and just lay out my life on the line and Maybe they will be able to help me find myself! But I Guess that'll have to wait a little bit! Well blog this Life im living isn't the life I feel like I should be living! Well blog my thumb is hurting! Good night! Peace

Christmas

I've made it thru the first Christmas without Corey! It hurt me but I did it! I don't know how anyone can Be so cold hearted to the women he's Been married too for 9 yrs! I've been gone from the house we lived in for 8 and 1/2 yrs and not one time did he call or Text me to ask me if I Was OK! Or did he tell me he loves me! Im so over this I just want it over with! Im just ready to get on with my life! Now on to the next broken heart! Im over that too! My heart is growing cold and its Gonna Take a long time to warm it back up! Not sure if there's anyone out there that can make me Happy! Im just a cold hearted bitch! I fake my life problems and I fake my health problems so ill Be better off alone! Just ready to move on! Good night blog!

My soul

Websters definition of soul is: in certain spiritual, philosophical, and psychological traditions – is the incorporea[ 1] essence of a person or living thing or object.....
Christy's definition::: the little hidden piece of flesh deep inside of the body that holds all the feelings! Now with that said, the soul can grow cold if not shown love, compassion, honesty, and major affection! Let me start backwards on that list I just wrote! Affection: is shown and given in many ways, hugs, holding hands, kissing, and so on! The way affection is shown is how your soul knows what feeling to bring out! Cause you could hug a stranger on the street, and their soul is gonna say see someone does care! If you hug a potential lover or friend then your soul is gonna say she/he's the right one or back away cause pain will follow! Now this piece of flesh called soul is what helps your heart and brain decide to pursue a relationship or just walk away and never look back! Next on my list is honesty, its pretty self explanatory meaning that you don't lie about anything you do or say! If you say it then make it happen! Next is a big deal for some people and its called compassion! Compassion is something that lots and lots of people don't know what compassion is! So to help me out I checked ol' Webster's dictionary and here's definition:::: a virtue — one in which the emotional capacities of empathy and sympathy(for the suffering of others) are regarded as a part of love itself, and a cornerstone of greater socia nterconnection and humanism — foundational to the highest principles in philosophy, society, and personhood. The part most people struggle with is the empathy and sympathy in the suffering of others! The reason why the struggle is because they haven't been shown it! That's all about those that I have to say so on to the last one! The biggest of them all! LOVE!!!!! Love is universal, its in every country, religion and every person! And that's where the soul comes in! It helps you show love the way it needs to be shown! The soul isn't complete until 2 or more of those things are in your life and your soul and your heart will begin to beat to the same tune! Its like this, when ones playing in a key of "c" and other one is singing in key of "f" then the sound they make isn't joyous its rather a sound that's hard to describe! Only a couple times in my life have my heart and soul been one! When I first laid eyes on my grandmother and was old enough to know,9 yrs ago When I married Corey, 5 yrs ago when I met Missy and lastly about a month ago when I met Natasha! My grandmother left me Too early, Corey just quit showing all the things I needed, Missy im not really sure what happened! Then Natasha came along and before I ever heard her voice or laid eyes on her my heart and soul started singing the most awesome tune I've ever heard! Then I laid eyes on her they both started beating a huge drum! But I must say her past caused her to freak out as she out it and caused her to want to slow down! My heart shattered in to a million pieces, my soul fell down and a piece of my heart split it open! Cause I knew that others before her left me empty handed! They left me wanting more they left me feeling worthless and useless and like nothing I had physical, emotional or mentally was good enough for them! And that's exactly how it made me feel that very day! Now I've sense gotten a good understanding of Why and reason behind the need to back away! When she explained I realized that I was just being me and she truly didn't know how to accept it! I guess people are so mentally and emotionally abused that the blocked that part out! But im who I am and im not changing! She knows that, Corey knows That and so does Missy! Maybe im too much to accept! Maybe all the love, compassion, affection and attention that I've lacked all my life is too much for others to accept from me! I may never find the true person That completes me Like she did! But I gotta accept that she's not ever gonna be able to be who she truly is! We might have to Be "secret" Lovers for the rest of our days here on earth! But if that's the case ill accept it cause I believe she's the perfect match for me! Contrary to what she says I believe she is!! Never does a minute go by where she's not on my mind, never does a minute pass That Corey, Missy or my grandmother not walk thru my memory! They'll forever be etched in my memory but as I've said before that's another chapter closed in my book of life! But all chapters closed molded me into who I am today! A proud bisexual female! Blog I must close can't see to type anymore! Peace

Divorce

Corey and I will be filing for divorce and its hos decision! He's decided today that its time for me to move on! I just gotta be prepared for what's in store for my future! As I lay here wide awake and haven't slept much its been a bad Night and day yesterday! I guess today starts the first day of the rest of my life! Im not sure im prepared for this and im not sure im ready! I Wish I could turn back hands of time and just take away the things that's hurt me! But our marriage is like this im the one that hates the world so much That I need help as in counseling! I just don't understand how anyone that says they love someone be so cruel and be so mean that they sit there and watch me pack my stuff and walk away! I don't understand how he can just allow it to happen! Never in my life could I've ever watched him pack up and leave! Never could I've ever truly thought this day would come! But it has and I know God knows best and I know he knows what's right! I just hope Corey will see that what he thinks is right really is and that he allows me to take my stuff in peace and take my stuff without him around! I don't understand how he could stand there! But if your a low down cold hearted asshole then yes I guess you could! He says he needs time to think and space from me! I hope that he enjoys it! I've cried so much im not sure my head will Ever quit hurting! Im sure my BP won't come down for many days! Not only does he wont out the girl that I was falling in love with told me she doesn't feel like she can carry on a sexual thing with me! So the night of 12-13 I lost her and then I lost him on 12-14! So I guess as the saying goes The lord will never put more on you than you can handle! But im telling you this is almost too much! This is more than I think anyone will be able to handle! I feel like I have no one now! I got a few friends and family that actually do care about me! I have some that want me happy but Then I have the ones that are there when they need me but no where around when I need them! I don't hate any of them but I do feel like I've been used! Im worthless now, im useless! No one will ever want a disabled person That can't provide for herself! I just don't understand! Ugh! Well blog ill be blogging a lot more now!

Free flowing

As I write these words down and as you read these words you'll never truly know my feelings Because its hard to describe love to someone! No words I know or that's out there describes love like the words that come from the heart! Whether the are jumbled or not they come from deep inside of me! My heart is beating to a different tone at this moment and this tone is a good one! Love to me has to be shown thru various ways! And if you can't show me you love me then don't Tell me You do! I wasn't shown love my whole life and When Its shown it doesn't take much for me to fall head over heels in love! Ill never regret a thing I've done because everything I've done has made me who I am today! Its molded me into this person that's shedding tears over someone that I love! Its the person that I am! My lack of love growing up is what I try to show everyone I come in contact with! A stranger on the street if I got a dollar he can have it! I don't need That dollar that bad! Love is a universal word used in all religions and all practices in American culture! I believe that that four letter word could make the world a better place if we all took the time to say it to everyone! Love is sexual, its from the heart! You was born with it! Most everyone at some point in there Life someone showed them what love is! Me it Was family friends not my mom and dad! They both pushed me away for other kids besides his own or partying with her friends! We wasn't ever top priority! I believe its been God's will I not have kids Cause even though he frowns On divorce I feel he has forgiven me for my sins and understands that This marriage was truly just a Good cover up! He knows that this marriage isn't Gonna work because im tired of hiding my true feelings! Blog as this day closes Then I need to close this blog! Your my release and now I feel better! I shall accept my self and live by my rules and put God first AND he knows who I really am!

Fuck life

I've laid my feelings out for all to see! Some have chosen to take them and string them on and others have just decided that stepping on them is the best possible option! I've given up on a lot of things in my life! I've turned a blind eye to some people and at times I feel Like people just don't care about me like I care about them! At times when things are going Great is when I feel so alone! At times When life is upside down I feel like im a human! Not sure what my future holds but sure wish my grandmother was here to tell me its gonna be OK! It seems like its just yesterday she was telling me Christy you will find true love one day! Today I feel I have but im not sure what to do about it! There's a moment in my mind that I just feel like jumping and never being found! I'd rather die than just live my life like this! Tomorrow will be 9 yrs I Thought I was married to the right person but I guess in time its truly showing he wasn't the right One and I just settled! I hate that feeling and I Think down deep inside we aren't in love anymore! I've felt Like This for almost a year now! Its the worse feeling in the world! But I must muster up someway to stay a little bit longer! Im just hopeless and need somewhere to go to clear my mind and clear my head! Just me and nature! I almost pulled over the other day while driving and just Let phone and everything and walked in woods and sit down and never got up and just waited to see how long it would take for someone to miss me! I bet it wouldnt of Been the man im married too! He'd be the last to say oh she's not home when His phone blew up with ppl calling him! I guess the only thing that stopped me was a person that wouldn't hang up the phone until I got there! So there wasn't a way to just walk away from it all! I know its crazy but at this moment in my life not sure What im capable of doing! So blog I've released my thoughts who ever reads it then good they hear my heart! If this never gets read Then its OK too! But at this moment I say fuck it all! I give up! Devil take me away to the fiery pits of hell! My coolers packed! Only requirement in wifi access please! Thank you

HaHA

Just a few pics I've found that's funny!

Confused

Thanksgiving Was a great day! Im confused about my feelings towards someone! I feel like I've wanted to feel for a while! I just don't know! It feels right then again it feels wrong! I just need to sit back and look around AND smell the roses! A little attention given goes a long ways when none is given at home! Im confused on what my heart is saying and what im Truly feeling! My heart says Its love my mind says its not! I just don't know! I hate this feeling! Ugh ugh ugh

Thoughts

As the days of this year comes closer to an end! I feel like I've let my freaking heart out to freaking quick! Fuck Christy why the Fuck did you do that shit again! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! I Just don't understand

Testing

Today I had an upper GI done and then he said its looks Norma but they did a few biopsy's to test for other things! Im in some pretty major pain tonight!
I think the next blog I write will be where I got a divorce from this man that im married too! I just feel like he thinks im faking it cause his mom said Tonight that She though I was too! I just don't get it! Hell if I was faking I wouldnt go thru all I go thru on a daily basis! And I wouldn't be here fighting for my right to live! I'd killed myself long time ago! Ugh! This man called me a baby and said I was spoiled cause I was given too all my life! Hell by Who everything I got I paid for! One way are another I paid for it! Just don't understand! Ugh im sick and head is about to explode so blog this is short good fucking Night

Where to begin

Its been a rough couple of weeks and as the weeks progress on it ain't getting better! Life is throwing me so damn many curve balls it ain't funny! Im just trying to knock them out of the park but I can't seem to make it past first base! But ill get it out sooner or later! But, I guess its gonna Take lots of energy that I don't Have at the moment! Ill gain my strength back one day! Just gotta be patient!

If your reading this and are remotely interested in women not only sexually but friendly too then comment before or email me at rebelpride77@gmail.com!
Im in search of a female friend that I can hold, snuggle up too, talk too, and hang out with when im bored and lonely at home! I need a companion that will listen when I need to vent, let me please her, and on occasion whine and dine her! I don't think im a bad person! I think my big heart gets in the way too much because I care a lot and its too much for ppl at times I think! Im not happy in my marriage and im really trying to be but when you don't feel the love back its hard to be happy! But I guess that's why im seeking that someone that will show me the love im missing and have missed all my life! My mom and dad alike just pushed me away! So I Never had that love that I've wanted or needed! If you want a friend that cares about you and can offer benefits too them email me!

Now that's out of the way time to rest my tired bones and body! Night all!

Racing mind shall it ever stop

I guess its just a way of life for me! I lay down and my mind seems to think of 1000 things that keep me awake! Some say its God telling me to stop and think and praise him! Others tell me that its cause I took a nap! I feel its the nap! Well the things on my mind are things that I should never ever Think about! Suicide! That's what's going thru my mind at the moment! Ugh! Well I don't have nothing more to say! Peace

Life after life

The time has come blog for another useless entry! As I lay here like I do many times before its like Your my release and your my way of saying my feelings! Over the past couple of weeks I've made harsh remarks bout my ex! I know that at times and as I read over them I was wrong but at the time of pain and agony and defeat I felt it was the right thing to do! But now I see that I just needed a way to express my inner feelings! As these useless words form on this page im moving on slowly but I am! I hope she is too!
Next topic that I feel I need to get off my chest! I live in a house that has my name and my husband's name on it but his younger brother lives here too! Now if you are living basically free other than keeping house clean then you shouldn't Have any say so in what goes On in This house! I feel like im in a prison Where my every move is watched and my every move is recorded! I just feel like that at some point in time, im gonna explode and when I do its not gonna be pretty! Now on to next topic!
Corey and I both agreed that we aren't happy that we just can't stand each other! He says I need my "pills" When really all I need is love and compassion that was Never shown to me over my lifetime! He tells me he loves me but really does he? I mean I just don't see it! I don't know! I just feel like he's keeping me around just so he can have sex on occasion and can take my monthly check! I feel helpless and hopeless! With all this out in the open maybe that things will began to look up!
Now last thing! I miss our talks, our days of hanging out! But one thing I don't miss is having to tell my every move! I'd like to thank a few ppl That over the course of all this going on they stood by me! Margie you've Been my rock, my shoulder, my arm and my legs to stand on without you I'd be in a funeral home, heather your a Great friend im proud God brought you in my life at my time of need and Your time of need too!, Becky your a Great friend too you helped me in more ways than You'll Ever know! Thanks! Corey you've been the same ol boy you've always been but I love you! Virginia OMG you don't know how much it means to be able to vent to you! Jean, your my Sister and as we said we both need each other Thanks for all you've done too! All of you've touched my life in more ways than you'll ever know! Its been a hard road and one that I hope is less traveled! Love you all!

Hmmm what to call this

I'm so in need of affection that I've felt like looking for someone on the street to just give me a little affection! I've never had that love and affection that I've always longed for and needed! But when I got married he showed me a little love and affection but then over the years I guess I'm seeing the true man he really is! He doesn't hug, kiss or love on me without me making him! So as I lay in this bed every single night just wanting to be held without sex it hurts to feel like I'm just a piece of ass! Im just here to Have his supper cooked, and give him a piece of pussy when ever he wants it! I just don't feel he loves me anymore and I guess that I'm just here for the thought of That I'm saving something that's failing! I love him but I need the affection he shows when I'm gone from home all the time! But instead I get well I just told you I missed you because I wanted you to feel the love! Well I need to feel it all the damn time! I was away this past Saturday night and OMG it felt so good laying in bed with someone That just held me while I slept and never asked for anything in return! It felt good! I miss it so much right Now! But Hes on one side of bed and I'm on other if I roll over and touch him he moves further away! I'm bout ready to ask for an open marriage! Just don't care at this point! But I'm just fed up! Well blog I've decided to make this blog and Call it bitch fest! Good night world!

Suicide thoughts

These thoughts have come from many long years of wear and tear on my body! These thoughts are ones that I Keep hidden all the time! They are thoughts that rear there head when I'm not having a Good day or wk or month! These thoughts just come up at random times and tonight they are unbearable! They are thoughts that are just there! They make me wanna just throw in the towel so to speak! They want me to just give up!

Here's what's in my head: if I'm not wanted or loved by anyone then the best thing to do is end it all here! End it so my pain and suffering Will end too! Ill never hurt any more nor will I ever have the unwanted feeling I have now! My insides hurt Because I feel like Corey just wants me here for sex and someone to cook and clean! I'm so tired of this one-sided relationship That I'm just about ready to walk away! I need to show him I mean business! I need him to see just how hard I've tried to make it all right! I just don't want to get to point of no return and then I'm screwed! So as I tell all my thoughts I'd like to say That I'd Never kill myself because I do have a little sense! But I have These thoughts! Ugh make them go away! Is it too much to ask for to be happy! Ugh!

Random things!

As these words flow on this paper they aren't just my thoughts there my feelings and as you read them you might actually think I'm a little crazy but maybe I am! I hope That someone in perticular reads it! If not then I guess it wasn't meant to Be!
Where to begin, first I think your very pretty AND I've wanted you since the first day we met! But as I get to know you I realize That in just not your type AND I feel like that your out for someone so that no one suspects That other things are going on! I mean I know I'm not pretty, I'm fat and no one wants me not even my husband but I still continue on with my life! At times I feel most people don't wanna deal with my chronic pain that I'm in and my constantly having to take meds! I just don't understand no one wants to see me for the person I am and not the person that my body has made me out to Be! But back to you, I just wish you'd say hey Christy I want to keep our friendship AND I think your a great friend but I'm just not attracted to You! I promise ill only Be hurt for a few mins and ill only cry for a few mins!  But as it goes I just have that hope that one day you'll see that I'm not as ugly or non your type as you think! I'm truly a great down to earth person that's felt so unwanted all her life that I just want to feel loved, wanted and just not needed When ever you need something! I'm a great friend and Maybe I try to hard! Maybe I'm too generous or maybe I'm just too overall good for anyone! My heart is so big as I've been told a thousand times and yet I still continue to go in head first with my heart AND let it lead me into battle When I should use my head! But sometimes feelings gets in way!
As I lay here and do This blog like many other blogs I've posted from the comfort of my bed! Its a matter of time before I step out of this marriage! Its just a matter of time before I get fed up and walk away! You can only give so much before the string breaks and I'm here to tell you its getting tread bare!
Things that are going on in my head aren't the best thoughts nor the worst thoughts but I will tell you this much, its a matter of my feelings as I write them out as a release! Blogging helps me release the feelings and I don't care who reads them! I've always wanted ppl to see the real me but I'm hiding at the moment and as I hide behind the computer screen or in This case the phone screen! Unless you know me personally then you see the me I wanna be in my body! I hope that the ones that do read will still continue to read but Never judge me! Thanks! Comments are welcome! My email is rebelpride77@Gmail.com! Rebelpride is actually for my favorite college sports team the Ole miss Rebels

Hard day and Birthday wishes

This am when I woke I had one thing on my mind and that was how I was going to stop myself from calling Missy! In the last 4 years or so everytime I went to doc and infusion I called her most of the time I woke her!  She never minded and It always made my wait time in the doc office and time in Infusion center go so quickly! I was driving to doc and it dawned on me and I teared up, I said self you can do this! I went to reach for phone and I kept telling myself don't do it! So I Didn't! As I walked in to office and signed in all that I thought was damn this wait is gonna be long! And it was, I had no one to text, call or nothing! But then it really hit me, I have no One to share my good news! It was heartbreaking but I made it until this evening when I broke down and emailed her this very story! It hurt but I felt she needed to see that the love I share for her is a lot deeper than the love She shares for me! But, as my Night got worse I begin to see that she's not only been my rock at times she's been my helper to help me along! I know she thinks I'm being harsh but really I'm not! If something ever happens to Corey and I there will not be any interaction between us after I leave or we go our sperate ways! That's just me! I'm sorry but its how I am! I know like everything else with time it gets better! This shall too! End of story!

Tomorrow is my mom's bday and I know That she's not been the best person in the world but I do know that she's still my mom! I love her and always will! Happy Birthday mom! And I Hope for many more with u!

Just random

I saw something on fb tonight that I really liked and thought I'd share with all to see!

"If I hugged you would you hold me and not let go!",
"if I kissed you would u cherish that moment!",
"if I reached for your hand would you take mine gently!",
"if I fell for you would u catch me or just let me hit ground!"

If those things where ever asked to me by anyone my generic answer would be yes to all and I'd catch you!
If they was asked by someone that I liked a lot then I'm sure I'd answer something like this!
Yes I'd never let you go because the affection that's shown in the hug means so much to me! When can I hug you again after we have to let go!
If I was kissed yes I'd cherish that moment and play it in my head a thousand times because a kiss yo me is the greatest thing to show someone your very interested and you want them on a deeper level!
If they reached out if gladly hold there hand gently and probably never wanted to let go!
If they was falling I'd do my best to catch them before they remotely made it to the ground! I'd Never let anyone fall intentionally!
All of does describe to me that your truly showing signs of falling in love with someone! When I saw it I sent it to several different ppl to get reactions and the one that shocked me the most was from my new friend! She told me That she felt like That the first time we hugged, kissed, held hands and that if I'd be falling she'd definitely catch me! That made me feel great! So I know where we stand now!  Well I gotta go to bed I got long day after while! Its probably gonna take a toll on me! But ill make it! Good Night!

Living my Life

The other day I was told two things that hurt me to the bone. I've blogged about it and today I need to blog how I'm feeling at the moment. One don't tell me I need to grow up and get a hold of myself then Yell at me and tell me that one day God is gonna slap me in the face. I just don't get it.. But what I do get is that yesterday and today has been great. No text, no phone calls and no interaction with someone that hurt me. I'm slowing moving on and hopefully soon I'll be completely over her and can move on with my life.. I've found a new friend that is truly just that, she doesn't want anything out of me, doesn't care what I do in my own time. Just someone to talk to and someone to go places with that doesn't care if I have a beer. I needed that in my life because I have a boring husband that feels like he can't go out of the house and do anything without people judging us. My new friend and I went to a Mat Kearney concert and It was great. We ate supper, talked and just had a great time. Laughed and laughed then ended the night with a trip to walmart to get her dogs some dog food. Then I took her back to her car and off we went our separate ways. We've texted everyday leading up to Friday night and then everyday since then. She was so sweet and fun. She made me laugh like i haven't laughed in a long time. It was fun. I enjoyed it. With the other one it was like you had to know my every move and what i was doing right then and if i didn't answer her text or call she was calling and texting saying i was mad at her. I didn't feel the connection i was looking for when I met Becky. I did feel a great friendly connection. I'm looking for a sexual connection with a female one that I can have some friends with benefits sometimes. Not all the time, I'm not looking for a relationship just a friends with benefits. I need something fun in my life someone that's not a home body and wants to get out and do things. I guess that I just need to be divorced and move to the coast because that's where I feel free and feel accepted. I guess that sometimes I just need someone to show me that there are more things to do than sit at home and watch TV all the time. I'm a child at heart and i feel like my husband was sheltered child and doesn't understand that you can have fun outside of the home and still not do much. This concert was no one big but the tickets where 18 a piece. I mean darn why can't we go do something like that. Cause he's lazy and doesn't want to leave home.

STRESSFUL DAY!

As I lay here and reflect on my day today it just doesn't seem to get any better! First, my dog I think is dying, secondly the woman that I confessed my love for and too has just turned her life around and is all religious and thinks she's not Going to heaven unless she does this and this! All the while condeeming me for not wanting to change! I'm Sorry that I loved you more than just a friend and you lead me too believe it was more than just a friend thing When I laid in your bed and you spoke these very words to me! This want be the last time! But the next day your all like your feelings have been cut off and your not ever gonna have those feelings again! Hmmm didn't know that it was like a light switch flip on and off by choice! Cause honey I'm here to tell you if that's the case then I'd switch mine off long time ago! But as you put it when God gets ahold of you you will know it! Yep that's true but I feel like your being feed the wrong message! Hmmm I'm making changes for the better and I know What your problem is your scared that if You come around me then gods gonna get a hold of you! Nope I'm not scared of you only person that scares me is God and When my day comes that he's ready to take me he will! If I get casted out of heaven then I deserved it! Its like with anything else we all sin! We all make mistakes but how we ask for forgiveness isn't anyone's business but ours and God's! Not yours AND not Joe blow on the street! I haven't said one cross thing about you that I ain't said to you personally! I ain't said or did not one thing that I ain't done to ur personally! So go a head and say oh run me in the ground and talk bad about me cause that's all your Good for! Nope I'm good for lots of things and those things aren't any of your damn business! You've been jealous of my life since we broke up over 2 yrs ago! How many friends do you have that you ask their every move? How many friends do you text every night AND tell them good night love you or Good Morning love you! You think that feelings and stuff can be cut off and on like a light switch Well yours might Can but Christy's doesn't work like that! Ive told you two different times today leave me alone now I'm making it worldwide known leave me alone!
Now with that out of the Watching now back to the regularly scheduled blog! I went away from Sunday night until Tuesday afternoon and had a little time to reflect and get things in order in my head! It took a little while to get it all figured out but I've just about got it all figured out! First, I finally saw the true person She was, secondly I've just about seen the true person Corey is! He tells me while I'm gone oh I miss you so much but your first day off that I'm home you decide that your friend needs your help! That to me tells me oh I just wanted you home so I knew What you was really doing! Well if you wanna know so much just ask! Cause ill gladly tell you! I looked at women asked a few for a one night stand and Then wasted 30 dollars and came home! See I ain't gotta hide shit like he does! His porn! I'm sure while I was gone it was looked at a 1000 times! But life goes on! OK blog my arm hurts and so does my thumb talk at u later!

Heartbroken

I have a very broken heart today. Its not because I lost someone its be cause I thought that I had the woman of my dreams and that she wanted me for me and wanted a relationship with me when and if something happened to me and my husband. I felt that she wanted me and then I finally seen the real truth. I spilled my heart out to her in a letter telling her I wanted her and that she would be the only woman I wanted and wanted to be with. She replied back with I don't want a relationship with anyone right now. Then goes on down and tells me she will always love me. Too me that means that she still have a glimmer of hope that one day we would be together forever. If you telling someone that you will love them forever then you still want them to be with you forever. I guess that I was truly mistaken, I hope that life will begin to look up now that I don't have to worry about the fact that I love a woman that really doesn't love me like I truly love her. I love this woman and always will and one day I would always hope that she will see that shes the only woman that I will love. But you know that its like this, as life goes on I have been hurt and I will still live my life as Ive wanted to live it. Its time for Christy to be the true person she is and not what someone else wants me too be. I'm not the person that you want me to be, I have lived in this lie for so long and that Its time for me to be my true self. I'm tired of living a lie and I'm tired of being someone I'm not. I have put on such a good show that I feel like that now its time to get out... Now I'll never let my guard down to the first female that comes around and I want open my heart up to a woman that doesn't love me for me and doesn't want just one thing. When or if something happens to me and Corey  I will be finding someone that loves me for me and wants me to succeed and wants to hold me and be there for me emotionally and physically. I don't need someone that doesn't want to please me in every way that i need them to  be there for me. I don't need a "friend" I need a lover because I need to feel the love and feel the wanted feeling. I don't need someone telling me its gonna be OK but then wants me to join them on a revolution of trying to get into heaven. I believe in God and I have been a born again christian and I feel like God loves me for me and has forgiven me for all the sins i have sinned and if he didn't want me to have these sexual desires for woman then he wouldn't of ever let me have sex with a woman in the first place. I don't think that It was a choice I feel i was born this way. I felt many years ago when i was young that something was different and that something wasn't like everyone else. The only choice I made was living the life of a Heterosexual human because I felt it was the right thing to do because of the way that my family believed. But this day in time Your not gonna get to heaven by the church you go to your gonna get to heaven if you allow God in your life on a daily basis and live in his word daily whether your in a same sex relationship or a heterosexual relationship. I just feel like that I have done somethings wrong but I also feel like he is keeping me here for some reason or another. I feel like he wakes me up every morning and allows me to get out of the bed and deal with my pain everyday. If he had wanted me he could of taken me a long time ago... So I hope that she sees that I'm not trying to run her in the ground or give up our friendship just that It takes a little bit of time to get past the point again. I hope that she will see that she is loved by me and that she will understand what i stand for and what I am.. 

Now, life has to start over and I have to find the one that makes me happy. The man I'm married to at this moment isn't giving me the happiness that I deserve and need. I haven't had the love thru out my life and I need someone to love me and show me the love that I never got. I was the middle child and I got pushed aside some many times because my brother did something better or something that I couldn't do. I was pushed away for good when my sister came along. My mom never thought my brother or sister did any wrong and everything that happened was my fault. I couldn't do anything right in her eyes. So I found a man that showed me a first that I was human and that he truly loved me. As years have passed i have been pushed aside from him and it hurts. My dad never really had a thing for his kids so i was pushed aside for his step kids and others. I just feel like if everyone really knew what I was down deep inside they would understand that I need love more than the next person. I guess i have hard heart and its cold but I guess i have to keep that hard cold heart a little longer and one day someone will come along that loves me for me and help me soften my heart and warm it up more. I need someone that isn't gonna love me for a few days or years and will love me everyday and love me when I'm down and love me when i need the attention and when i need the feelings of love. I hope that that person will be out there and I know God has that person for me out there somewhere. He knows who is right for me and he will bring that person in my life. I don't need that person to show me love just to get in my life and to try to tear my guard down.. I need that person to show me love everyday and every hour that I'm with them. I hope that she will want me to treat her like a queen and treat her like she needs to be treated. I hope that person understands that i have been hurt so many times it hurts that its gonna take a long time to break that wall down again. I will not have sex with another female that i don't plan on spending some quality time with and they don't want to see me for who i am and want to be with me long time and show me the love I need. Well, anyway I've said a lot and i feel its time to go lay down.. I just cant take anymore.. 

Q & A from some readers!

Wow! Just checked email and I have quite a few readers! Thanks to everyone that takes the time To read my useless and random thoughts! Thanks! Here's the questions so far! Keep them coming!

1. How long have you known you was different? Well, actually all my life I've felt different and at the age of 10 I kissed my first girl and it really got me when I enjoyed it!

2. When did you first act on your feelings? Sexually and physically?
Hmmm well my first sexual encounter was in 2002 before I met my husband and that was my first physical encounter too!

3. When did you come out to your parents, husband and etc.?  I came out fully to my husband in 2002 before he ever asked me to marry him! We was dating and I told him I was bi! I came out to my mom and dad new years day 2009 because at that point I had gotten to the point I was tired of hiding my true feelings! Several of my friends have known most of my life have known since Jr high school! And rest of my family found out round the time my parents did! It took a lot of years to come out but it also feels better when u do!

4. The girl You talk about in your blogs I Think her name is missy how did y'all meet and why did y'all break up? We met actually thru a mutual friend on MySpace long before Facebook! Back in 2007 I was looking for a friend to hang out with while my husband worked and we hit it off and formed a relationship and then we broke up because one she was talking to other women while telling me she loved me and two because I realized how much my husband truly loved me and wanted me! And how much I loved him!

5. What was your first time like? From a bi curious reader! It was Great just what I thought it would be not gonna go into details here but ill reply to u privately!

Last but not least just in!
6. Missy is your true female love what's gonna happen if she gets tired of waiting on you?
We have an agreement that if she finds the person That makes her happy then by all means I'm not gonna stop her because I want her happy too! I wouldn't never ask her to wait on me! We have a Great friendship that is there and the understanding that she's single and I'm not!

Thanks for all the questions and keep them coming! Thanks again!
Good night

What's the difference?

OK as you have read in earlier blogs Then you know I love the touch and feel and look of women! No since 2 yrs ago I haven't touched or felt a woman! I've looked but its OK to look right! Well my question to anyone reading is this! I'm addicted to sex with women and he's addicted to porn! Now mind you I haven't had sex with a woman in 2 yrs but in the past 6 months he's been caught several times looking at porn! Now the question is why is it cheating if I go out and have a one Night stand with a woman and its not considered cheating that he looks at porn all the time! To me he's acting on his sexual desires but I'm not allowed too! I just don't understand just the other day he and I had sex several times that day and after One time he got up got shower and while I was getting shower he went to computer and looked at porn to me that hurt because you just got up from looking at me and couldn't resist going to look at porn! I guess most everyone is gonna say its the physical act that's cheating well in my opinion him looking is physically acting on the desires to masterbate or what ever he gets out of it! It just doesn't make good sense to me! I'm stuck surpressing my feelings and desires but he gets to freely look and not surpress his desires! If you have the answer please email me! Rebelpride77@gmail.com! Thanks

"WAY OVER YONDER!"

As I lay here and reflect on my days that have passed one thing I've forgotten was that time is precious and love is never ending! As time passes I remember the ones that I lost and I remember the love they showed! I forgot how it was to be held and loved the way I feel down deep in my heart that I needed to be loved! But slowly I'm feeling that love again! It takes a lot to show someone that you've hurt that your true to them again! Its taken almost 2 years and I feel he still doesn't trust me and I'm sure he might not ever trust me! But ya know life can be hard and as the Bible says forgive and forget but I guess to some that's the hardest part!

Sometimes I feel I don't have anyone but Corey, Missy, Dana, Margie and Mark! I hardly ever talk to my mom, sister, brother or father! I guess that me showing my true colors they decided that I don't exist! Its sad that it has to be that way and its sad that life is full of so many people that don't have mom or dad anymore! I guess you could say I've never really had a father and since 2001 I lost my mom! Its sad and at times it hurts that I have to call them and have to drive to them to see them! I guess that its OK because dad hasn't really ever been a father and he's got what he wants and that's just he and his wife! Mom has what she's always wanted and that is Scott and Heather! Its been shown to me thousand of times that she would love nothing more than for me to be out of her life! She's shown it a few times! I've learned that she just wanted 2 kids and since I was middle it was just easy to push me away! Its hard at times but I have great friends that pick me up where my parents have failed! It just hurts more when you want mother daughter time and I only get 2 days of her time and its been 10yrs since I left her house! In a 10 yr time I got 2 days for just her and I and had the best 2 days that I could of asked for! But the other 2 get everyday of the week and 365 days a year! But when I ask again I get told of we have to wait until heather is off so she can go with us! So it makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit! I guess at times it shouldn't bother me but at times I feel it more than others! Enough of that!

I've got 2 life long family friends that would of adopted Me a long time ago if they would of Been given the chance! They still treat me like I'm one of there own! Today the celebrated 27 yrs of marriage they inspire me to try to keep my marriage together and try to keep the passion alive! They tell me daily They miss me because I stepped away from them because I felt like I'd failed them in some way! The other day I told Margie that I'd felt like I'd failed them and she said silly Get ur ass out here and see us! We still love You! They know about my sexuality and never once said nothing about it! I told my mom and she just looked at me and said I'm OK with it but then slowly but surely has withdrawn her self from me! I told dad and Carol and they've slowly withdrawn theirself from me! I told Corey before we got married and he accepted it and still loves me even though I cheated on him! I told Dana and she never said a word to me but that she still was my friend and always would be! Yes me and missy had a rough break up and a few rough times but one thing for sure is That she's listened to me bitch about Corey and Never once told me to leave him! She said Christy he loves you and you love him and just keep trying to make it work! Yes at times I get fed up with all the above ppl! Its just me, I keep telling Corey that he's the only one that I haven't gotten so fed up That I thought it was time to walk away! I love him and Yes I love the above ppl but as we all know for didn't reason we do get fed up at times!  I hope That if they read this that they don't Get upset because that's not What this is about! I hope they understand that I Love them and want them to be here for me When something happens and I need them more than I've ever needed them!

I fell in love with a woman 6 yrs ago and I know that no matter how hard I try to push that love back to my husband I can't! I'm a lesbian stuck in the heterosexual lifestyle because Its the life o choose so no one would know who I truly was! Its sad but true! That's the only way I know how to put it! And as I've told everyone that if anything ever happens to my marriage it wont because of me being in a relationship it'll be because we just couldn't reconcile our differences and make it last! It wont Be because I didn't give my all and my best it'll be because we just fell out of love! I've also told everyone before that when and if I Ever do leave Corey I will not go find another man and ill be all out lesbian and probably move some where were its accepted free and not looked down upon as it is in this state! I also gonna make it a personal affirmation that I feel ill never be able to love another woman besides missy! As I've said before her and I have had our differences and our hard times but its just like Corey there wont ever be another man That I'd ever be able to love for 2 reasons first one is I'm not the straight person I'm betraying to be and 2 because he was the first man I've ever loved! And as far as Missy She was the first woman That showed me it was OK to be sexual with a woman and 2 she was my first woman sexually! That means a lot to me!

As I've said a few times before sometimes we have to stop and smell the roses and forget our past to move on to our future! As I close this blog If your reading and want to say something feel free to email me! Rebelpride77@gmail.com! I'm open to all questions and comments! No matter what they may be! I'm an open book! If you want to know something then how you gonna know answer if You don't ask right? Good Night blog! Until next time!

What to say what to say

I have so much on my mind that I truly don't know where to start! It takes a strong person to live thru the things I live thru it also takes a strong person to work things out like I have! Working on my marriage has been my biggest thing and I hope that I've finally proved myself to being faithful to him! I have come to realize that I love this man! Life with arthritis is either gonna make me stronger or kill me one! I had a dream the other night that I lost my right leg and it woke me up! I was crying! I truly feel that I just need to have the surgery and to hell with it! I just don't understand why I'm so young and gotta live like this! Thanks for my friends and family that truly stand up for me and love me no matter what! Being rejected and lead down the wrong road has caused me to decide that Life isn't ever gonna change! If you've read my earlier blogs then you all know I like women! Well its been almost 2 yrs and the feelings have been there I've just kept pushing them away! I finally the other day decided that the feelings where gonna kill me if I found a female that was willing just for the fun of it! Well we'd made a date to meet and have casual sex! So I was all prepared and excited because I know once I get it then I'm good for another 2 yrs! Yes my husband knows my desires and we've made many agreements and have a great understanding! Today of all days this female rejects me! Telling me She's not ready but just yesterday she was! Ill never understand! I felt like my world had crashed! I just think ya know that was Gods will! So now I'm back to the longing and the needing! Being with a female for sexual purposes is like a drug addict that's been clean for years just gets it one more time for satisfaction! That's me truly me! I just need it and truly be satisfied! Mainly I want that touch that can't be felt any other way than by a female! You might not understand of you've never Been in this situation! Just ask someone that has! But blog I move on now and hang my head in shame because I even considered the thought! But life goes on! Good night world!

THINKING!!!!!!

Seems like last week you and I was having the best time and the all  of a sudden things went down hill fast and now we are back to having the time of our lifes again! Sometimes I miss all those times we had when we'd sit around and talk and just hang out! Then there's times I think of how far we've come and how far we've got to go! At times my mind wonders back to the days I could sleep in your arms and not have a care in the world! Those days have passed and those days are just memories we made that play at random times thru this picture machine I have on my shoulders! It hurts at times When I think of how we used to be but the frown quickly turns to a Smiley face when I hear the excitement in your voice when your new love is coming over or calling or what not! It makes me happy and sad because I used to be That girl! You say I still make u smile but my heart doesn't seen it and my mind keeps playing those scenes from time to time! I guess its better that I keep my feelings surpressed and my mind will be at ease Maybe! I guess there comes a time that I just gotta keep moving and never look back! I hope That you will truly understand me and not just say You do! Every human has to come to terms sometimes and realize it just wasn't meant to be! But one must also realize that the one their with isn't truly with them Because They love them! I'm just an outsider looking in and from my stand point the new person in Your life is playing Your emotions like a musician playing a guitar! But it takes one to finally see that and when u do see it I hope its not to late and that you've truly put Your guard up! I hope that my instincts are wrong but I feel they aren't! I can read some ppl very well! I hope that you'll take my advice one day and truly sit down with the new one and truly tell her how u feel! But I know You pretty well You have the mentality that if it ain't broke don't fix it But I'm here to tell you it is broke so now is the time to fix it! Just saying! As I've said before I gain more pleasure out of saying I told u so in the end than I do any other time! As Ive said before I truly wish that my dear friends and family would Listen to me for once and truly listen and do what I say! But its like my words aren't good enough and my words are just words with no meaning What so ever! But I guess since I'm no famous writer then the words I write or truly just nothing like I've been told a thousand times! Life does go on and on and on! Good night blog!

Sleepless nights and sleeping days

Ever so often my mind thinks that it wants to sleep but then it doesn't when I lay down! I feel like I've got my days and nights mixed up some how!
Next week I'm going to spend a few days with my mom! Its been many years that she and I have spent time together! Its gonna be weird cause she's always with my sister! So I'm gonna cherish every moment like its the last! I hope its not but we all know tomorrow isn't promised!
The other day something was said to me that got my mind really thinking! Now its been a while since I've thought about being with a woman! I just don't care about it any more! When it was said to me I could of cheated with you if I wanted too! And I said naw you couldn't cause I'm not interested! And I'm not! I've lost that feeling of needing a woman's touch or the wanting to be with a woman! It may Never come back to me! Its OK if it doesn't but I guess my point is that I think it was offered and I refused and I'm very proud that I'm past that and we are friends! It takes a lot to go back after you've crossed that line! It takes a lot for the water to flow the other way! But we made it past that point and friends is what we truly are! I listen to you bitch and you listen to me bitch just like friends should!
Sometimes the urge to run away from home gets so strong that if I ever acted on it no telling where I'd end up! Because i have a traveling soul that's not satisfied unless its moving and I've been cooped up in this house long enough! It seems that when I want to do something we never seem to have the dollars to just for a ride! But then when a new movie comes out we have the dollars for him to spend on watching it! Sometimes I feel like a lost Cause! I feel like I'm here just for sex and a monthly check! I feel like that's all I'm good for! Never does a day go by that I receive a hug, kiss or even a thank you when I've cooked a meal or washed clothes! I guess that's because he thinks that's my job by marrying him! Others seem to have a better relationship with their spouses and they don't do anything! Its like I'm supposed to do all this just because I'm married to him! It hurts to feel like this!
I believe I cheated on him because she made me feel wanted, loved and never once did a day go by that I saw her did she not give me a hug and kiss! Its sad to say but truly I miss that feeling of someone wanting me for me and not expecting me to do this and that because I said I do! It was a great feeling but I'm not in love with her sexually just friendly love! I sometimes feel like he doesn't even love me friendly or sexually! Its like I'm just a rock and he keeps pushing me to the side out if the way!
Enough of that, another thing that makes me so fighting mad is the way his brother gets away with everything! I can't even put the dishes in the dishwasher right with out getting told I did it wrong but his brother can walk around and not pay the only bill He was asked to pay, not allow any of our stuff out because it doesn't go with his decor! But that's OK! If I try to cook something its not right unless he comes in and adds too it! Like if I don't add salt then I'm a bad person! If I don't put his clothes in the washer or dryer its my fault they aren't clean or dried! Now mind you I wasn't asked to do either One! Its my fault if the cable gets cut off or the lights get cut off but I'm not the one that sits down and pays the bills! I'm Not allowed to spend a penny without express written consent from him! But we can take his brother out to eat and drink 80 dollars worth of stuff! That's what pisses me off!

Last but not least friends who call you a friend to your face but behind your back talk about you like your the scum of the earth! I got a friend that I thought at one time was a great friend well I've found out quickly that she's not! I'm a very blunt person, straight to the point Never let's anything catch me off guard! But to Be called rude, disrespectful and other things is when it gets under my skin! Now don't get me wrong if I send you a message I expect something in return just like you would if it were you! It just pisses me off that you say I don't have time to bullshit! Well hell I hadn't seen you in several days and I was wondering if you was OK! So what it was just a one word fucking question! If you truly knew the meaning of the one word then you would of known It was a complete question! I guess like you said your too busy for anyone but yourself! I've asked you on several occasions to take an hour and lets go have lunch! But oh no you can't cause your too good for me known! But just a year ago I was helping you do this and that! Its all good because pay backs a bitch and guess what I know how to pay you back and you know it was from me! But life goes on!
Another thing then I'm done! Its not every day that you come across a person that's willing to drop whatever she's doing, give you her last dollar or the shirt off her back! Its not every day that anyone will do This or that and never ask for anything in return but maybe a coke! Its not everyday that you find someone willing to help you when your in need! So remember the good things I've done for you and They will surly outweigh the times I've been rude, disrespectful and just a plain bitch! But you know What its OK cause one day your gonna need good ol' Christy and good ol' Christy ain't gonna be there! All those times I bought you food cause you didn't have any money, all those times I bought you drinks cause you didn't have any money! That time I gave you money Cause you didn't have it and was about to lose Your house! Those times I sat and listened to you bitch about your worthless husband! All those times I sat and listen to you complain Bout your kids! Remember that cause one day your gonna need me again!
While I'm on my soap box another thing! The only friend that I'm willing to help because I know she struggling to make ends meet! I know I've lived like she's living and its truly hard! She knows I don't mind giving her a ride, buying her this or that but one that does piss me off bout her is that She never once offers anything even when she has it! Its OK because one day its gonna hit her hard too when I quit giving! I'm just too nice of a person! I Guess my heart is just that damn big! Well, blog its that time you know where I close! My thumbs are hurting! Good night! Peace!

No subject just words

When at times I feel Like giving up I look up and remember the things I did as a kid That kept me here and I think about the ones that's gone before me! They inspire me to keep trying because I know there isn't a one of them that would want me giving up! So I've decided that one day I'm gonna sit down and just write my feelings out on paper so when I'm gone someone can read them!

Today, I got my feelings stepped on and hurt pretty bad! My husband thinks or I Think he thinks I have Bo clue in the world what I'm doing behind the digital camara! I feel like my years of being a head photo specialist just was wasted in his eyes! I feel he thinks I'm just as dumb as a box of rocks! Never fails that when he wants to go somewhere and take photos my input is useless and worthless! Its like I just need to shut up! He's never in the 9 yrs I've known him taken any kind of photography class or worked with photography! He didn't even own a camara when I met him! Looking back thru some pictures he had they where not anything I'd claim to have taken! But now That we own a professional camara he feels like he's a professional now! It hurts me the way he acts and what he says when I make a remark or statement about something he took! Its like I shouldn't ever say a word! He does no wrong! Maybe its me but if I see something I like I'm gonna snap it in the original state that its in and not sit there or walk around trying to find a good spot! Take it naturally and you will get a better photo! It ain't gotta be straight forward or 90° angle! I mean damn! I've seen work or professionals yea they might use Photoshop to fix the background or surroundings but they snap the picture the way they see it! I've asked them a thousand times what do you think of this picture? Most of the time its Christy you did a good job! Today, Corey proceeded to tell me When I told him to take it at an angle to include to objects in one shot! He told me I didn't have a clue what I was talking bout and that it would look stupid! So I took That as meaning that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about nor do I know anything about photography! So guess what he took the picture straight forward and guess what it cut one of the objects in half! I guess that I don't know what I'm talking about do I? Hmmm!

Enough of that its bout time for me to put phone down! Fingers are numb and arms are hurting! Until next time! Holla

Been a while!

I guess too much has been going on that I just haven't found time to really sit down and write! I feel as if I need to get a little things off my chest! So fair warning if you read this and it pisses you off then take it as a challenge to do better! First, I'm disabled and it pisses me off to see capable adults not willing to work but wanna live off mom, dad, grandma who ever! It also pisses me off that they can sit around and complain Bout it when mom, dad or who ever doesn't give to them anymore! Its like This get up off Your lazy ass and find a job at McDonald's if you have too! Ugh! Secondly, yes my husband and I have our ins and outs and ups and Downs but he's the only one that I love deeply and would jump in front of a train to save! I love this man! Yes I Have a select few friends that I'd do the same! But as far as just because Nope Never gonna happen! Its like this I've become a born again Christian and I'm going to start living like one!  I'm one of gods children and by golly I'm gonna live like it! I've waited too long to put him on the back burner! He deserves to be first again in my life! So I've decided that its time to start making a few changes! So be prepared in near future to see a changed Christy! Thanks for reading!

One year ago today

The journey began that's changed my life and I feel like made me stronger as a human! I walked out of the place that I'd called home for 9 yrs to actually go home and sit because my RA took its toll on me! It caused me to quit my job that I had a love/hate relationship with! I feel like God knew that it was time! I started my disablity process in December and by March I was approved! It was a long process but it was One That was much needed! It too put a lot of stress and anxiety on me and Corey! I went thru some deep depression I figured out who my true friends where and Who where just there cause I wanted them to be there! I found out That life on this side of the fence isn't all fun and games! Its hard not being able to go outside cause you can't get dressed alone! You have to have help with every move you make! I don't wish this on anyone and I'd hope that anyone that knows me knows One things for sure I Never gave up one once of hope! I kept fighting for what I felt was right! And I kept pushing myself harder and harder to keep up with the fast pace life I was used too! I've learned thru this experience that the government don't work one your time they work on their own time! Life waits for no one! I learned that too! But blog if One person sees me and realizes what I've been thru then maybe ill be an inspiration for them to keep pushing! Good Night blog!

Tornados, lost loved ones and just randomness!

April 27, 2011 is a day that will forever stand out in the minds of many Americans and many people as a day That tore a town apart and took many life's with it! Its a day That you can see that Tomorrow isn't promised as people dug for loved ones and tried to salvage a little of what was left! It caused a very special person to get a chance to live for 3 weeks until the lord decided it was her time! She suffered a lot of things! Her story has Been told several times over! Last Sunday afternoon I took a trip to That place where she once lived that not a single thing I remember is still standing! Her house, her favorite place to shop, her local dairy bar all gone! As I drove down her street it was so sad that its nuthing left! I headed on out of town to go my final good bye to this precious lady! I knew her thru my friend missy! She was missys aunt! She laid there looking so peacefully, and it was a sad night but I know where she was and she was having the time of her life! She ate supper that night with our Creator what better meal could anyone ask for!
RIP MARY MAXINE CHISM AKA AUNT MAC!.

As you all saw we lost a great man On may 1, in less than 2 days it'll be one month where has time gone! It seems like yesterday He was picking with us! But we know he's having the time of his life too! Long lived a great man!

This past week we went to JP Coleman state park on the tenn-tom waterway @Pickwick! We got there Monday but that was also the day I went to doctor to find out I had a sinus infection! So I didn't feel like fishing Monday evening and it was cool on Tuesday Morning so I didn't think I needed to be out in the morning air so I didn't fish Tuesday morning but went out that afternoon! We caught a few catfish and about 18 bream! Bream are fun to catch cause they are fighters! Wednesday morning we went fishing and caught a few more catfish! Wednesday evening we slept all evening and didn't go fishing! We decided to grill all our meats we had to grill at one time! Wednesday night it came a flood, winds got really high and we was under a Tornado watch! Well bout 15 miles from where we was a Tornado was spotted! So we lay there in bed and its getting pretty hairy outside and it settles down! We get up Thursday am and lay around most all day! That evening we decided to go fishing we caught a few more cats and breams! Went to clean them and a Guy that Corey knew he worked with told him bout a place to catch them by the dozens! So that night we run into nearest town and got green nightcrawlers! Cause he suggested it! Friday am we got up ate a lite breakfast and went out on lake and went where dude told us and low and behold in bout an hours time we had bout 20 cats in boat nice sized fish! So we fished to about 12 Because we was waiting on Corey's mom to come up and visit with us! So Friday evening we went over and cleaned all the cats we caught that day and Corey wanted to go fishing Saturday am but I wasn't feeling any better and my jaw started hurting to the point I couldn't even it! So I told Corey I thought we needed to pack up and go on home! So he could take me back to doctor! We get home around 10 or so and he takes me to doc and its been discovered that I have TMJ! Inflammation of the jaw muscle and joint! With my Arthur problem then its probably arthritis in my joint! So he gave me more meds! Great! So now ill be spending Tuesday looking for a dentist! My teeth are bad and I've said for years I needed to go have them all pulled and just get false ones! I might feel better bout myself if my teeth looked better! So I'm sure that's what he's gonna tell me! Which is five by me! That way I want have anymore toothaches! That would be a blessing!!
Well blog I'm caught up on my Life right now! So I guess ill go to sleep now! Good night!

Sad days and mothers day

On Sunday May 1, 2011 we lost Corey's dad to a long battle with cancer, and other things! He's much better off but it doesn't make it hurt any less! It was a sad but special day too! It was his Birthday so he got the greatest gift anyone could receive too meet our Creator and lord an Savior on his Birthday! He was a great man the 8 yrs I got to know him! He accepted me with open arms and never once acted like I didnt belong! It made me feel good to see how much of a family man he was! He loved his wife, kids, grandkids, and great grandkid! He took time out for them all, he never met a stranger and loved fishing! He's gonna be missed by so many but he's so much better off! He's not in any pain nor is he suffering anymore! We laid him to rest on Wednesday and it was my first ever military funeral! It was something that everyone should experience once in their life! It was a great honor to be a part of that great mans Life! When you hear Taps being played in the background if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes then I guess your not a true American! He was buried with military honors and it was something to see! When they presented the flag to his wife and the gentleman said what he said it made me cry again! Thanks Jody for fighting one of the worst fights ever! Vietnam was a hard war! Welcome home Jody and as you run freely remember to look at us and help us get along! We love you Jody Holland!

Now to mother's day is one week from the day Jody died! Its gonna be a hard day for Betty but I think with her boys around her she will be fine! To my mom that raised me to be the woman that I am today I love you and Thanks for supporting me in all I've done! To my stepmother that has seen me thru some tough times, had our ups and Downs but made it thru thanks for continuing to shape me into the woman I am! Thanks for helping my mom! To Margie the one that's seen me grow up, lost touch with me, found me again, and helped to continue to shape me into the female that I currently am! Life without all these women in it wouldn't Be the way it is today! Not sure I'd be who I am! Last but not least to my grandmother that taught me many things to help me survive this world we live in I love you mamaw and give Jody a hug for us!  Your missed more and more daily! Happy mother's day to all mothers reading This!

When I set this blog up it was for more less a way for me to vent my feelings and a way for me to tell others how I feel! It helps ie to speak my mind without intentionally hurting someone! If they Get offended then I'm Sorry now! Thanks for all my readers and all my followers! Good night blog!

Boggles my brain

I guess that the way I was raised wasn't the way everyone was raised! It boggles my mind the way I see kids, adult kids treating their parents! It hurts my feelings do many times to see grown ass kids watching their mom or dad or both do everything in the house, and hold a job! Its like this damn get up off your lazy ass and do something! I promise u that your computer will Be there When your done helping out! Another thing that really makes me fearous is that you want to complain cause nuthing is done or that you can't do this cause you had to help pay a bill! But your mom lives pay check to pay check on a monthly income, pays all your bills for you! Cell phone, lights, water and all that! If you really could see how you act Maybe you would straighten up a little! Maybe not but a little! I guess that I had to learn those things and fend for myself so many times That it just comes natural to me! Maybe one day ill.come over and show u a thing or too! Ill show you How to get up off your lazy ass and do something! Ugh! Peace out

No subject

As I lay in bed cause I'm freezing cold and my right ovary feels like someones sitting on it pushing it down! I reflect on all the things I've done in my life and the people that's gone before me! 10yrs ago I lost my best friend/grandmother! She knew more about me than I knew about myself! The good lord called her home and I just wish somedays I could call her up and just say hello! Life is so short that we often forget the little things in life! One thing is for sure that she's missed more and more! She never got to meet the man I married, didn't get to see Scott get married either or heather graduate high school! Things like that just makes you wanna cry! I miss her and can hear her telling me this or that or something that I probably at the time cared nuthing about! Now I wished she was here cause somedays I just need someone to talk to about life's problems when know one else wants to listen! Ya know! Life like the troubles and ups and Downs! But heaven doesn't have a phone or a staircase so I could walk up there and knock on the door! Cause I sure would! Thanks for reading off to sleep I go!

Feel the need to say something!

Times have been tough around the holland house! It'll be a year in june since I quit my job! My RA is taking over my body! Coreys dad isn't doing well! I hope that the prayers I've asked for will help! I just feel like he's not gonna make it much longer!! Sometimes it takes my breathe away to see him laying there! I have a friend that has been like a father to me that it hurts me to see him suffer too! I don't know what to do to help him or anything! I feel like I'm not able to do anything! But all I can do is pray! That's all I feel like will help! Life goes on as they say! Its baseball season and I'd love nothing more than to go see the Atlanta braves play one more time! One of my dreams is to see every major league team play at their home stadium! I might not like them all but I think it would be neat! Well blog I don't Have much more to say! Peace!

Sardis trip

On Tuesday we left tupelo headed to sardis to camp and fish! I had my infusion that am so we didn't get to leave until after lunch! I enjoyed our time away from the world and the house! We had a pretty good week didn't argue but one time! Luckily it wasn't my fault this time! But he did apologize so it made it all better! Since my infusion I ain't really felt like doing nuthing but sleeping! I ain't wanted to even get out of camper! I did go with corey up to the spillway and fish a couple of days! Thought I lost my fishing pole over the rail at the spillway but a sweet older deaf guy saved it for me! Couldn't think him enough! There are still sweet thoughtful people out there! We came home today and I went to step up in camper to get some things and my bad knee popped and I cried and cried! Guess its time to wear my brace 24/7 now! We got home and I was going thru the mail and had a check from walgreens for my profit sharing! Now I got a few dollars to go to the casino on! I think I'm gonna take my free rooms they sent me and go away by myself for a few days! Just me! Time to think and put my life in to prospective! Well, as I lay here and type this out on my phone my fingers are getting tired so I better close this! Good night blog ill blog more soon! Peace

Weekend getaway

Just returned from a weekend getaway with my husband! I can't say it started out good because it didn't! It started out like most things do with a huge argument! But after we got to the cabin it Got better! I took a little nap and then we went out on the boat! I fished a little but was bored out of my mind most of the time! I was so bored I made up a song! I got the line you got the pole we going fishing at the local watering hole! I know but I was bored! Then I decided that I'd just get out the pole with a crappy jig on it! Before that as I was singing Corey caught a bass and I leaned over the edge of boat and picked it up, took it off the hook and put in livewell! Then I started saying we got a fish LOL! Then I picked up pole with crappie jig on it and was just playing with it! As we was coming up to the break water wall at the Marina I threw it out and was just reeling in like I'd lost my best friend cause I wasn't really trying and Guess What! The line got tight and I said I got a fish! So I reeled it in and it was a catfish and I was so happy that you'd thought it was my first ever fish! I started singing my version of the song on the new little rascals movie! That goes Like this I got a dollar, I got a dollar today! So my version was I got a fish, I caught a fish today! As I was jumping around the boat like a little kid! Hehe! I'm crazy I know it!
The other day I had an appt with a psychologicalist for the disability people! It was the weirdest thing I've ever done in my life! He told me Your only here cause your taking lexapro! So he asked a few questions and then I was done! Its crazy! I hope to hear something soon from them Maybe its a here's your check! Your disabled! But if its like others ill get denied the first time! But there's so many people that have it that truly don't need it! That the ones that do need it can't get it! But life goes on!
As I was backing the boat up it sounded like something broke under my truck! The steering was crazy it made an awful noise and then it got really tight! So I guess it'll go in shop Wednesday and we will see what's up with it! I hope nothing major but I did pick at Corey and told him Maybe that's a sign we need a new truck LOL! Well he wasn't happy bout that LOL! Well blog is time to close this blog! Have a great week!
Peace!

Failure

Failure refers to the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success.
Many times in my life I feel like I'm not the person I want to be so I feel like a failure! No one will ever understand why and how I feel this way! Times its like no one wants to be around me! Its times like right now that I feel this way! Because Corey always seems to have something to do when he's off work now that I'm home all the time! He Never has a moment for Me!  When we do have a moment we fuss and fight and it hurts me to no end! So I feel like I've failed as a wife! Sometimes I feel as if he thinks since I can't work I'm not good enough anymore! Life will go on just as it has all these years! Well blog I've talked enough! The picture is of the one thing right now that makes me smile! Little Ian Emery! He's the cutiest little man I know that has stolen my heart! Aunt Christy loves you Ian!  Peace!

Pep talks

Many times I feel compelled to give people a little pep talk to help them see what's going on or just to tell them its gonna be OK! Sometimes I feel like people come to me for advice on certain things and most of the time I give them the advice they need! Today a friend called me and said she was hurt by something her mom said and I just told her like I've told my husband several times before the ones that sit in judgment of others are going to the place they say I'm going for being something or doing something! Then later tonight I got a text from another friend that she was single and I just told her that it takes many broken roads to lead you to the right road! When love is found you'll know it! It'll slap you so hard that you'll feel it every time you turn around! Its the truth I'm living proof that it takes broken roads to realize that true love was right in front of me! Little did I know that it was staring back at me just waiting for me to live out my little fantasy world I was living in! So I feel like I might be called by God to give advice to people when they need it! It might not be what They wanna hear but I feel its What needs to be said! We don't know our plan he has for us so we just have to wait until the time is right! When he says the time is now is when you know its the right thing to say! So remember before you speak hasty about something or someone! Because you could be just as bad as the one you was just fussing about that hurt you! Never say something that you might need to take back later! Things are said out of anger, fear, hatred, and just because! Remember think before you speak you never know who's listening and watching to see what your doing to hold it against you one day! Remember that! Good Night blog! I'm outta here! Here's a picture of my new nephew he was upset cause they put clothes on him! LOL! He wants to be naked! He's so precious!

My new nephew

I've never been this excited about a baby in my life! But when my life long friends daughter said that her baby would call me aunt christy it excited me to no end! She was supposed to have a little girl which I was really excited about but instead when she had to have a c - section yesterday she came out a he! He was born on march 4, 2011 @ 4:34pm weighing 6lbs 6.3oz and 18 iinches long! His name is Ian Emery Smith! I have a picture on my phone but he's upside down and my phone want rotate him! So ill post it but beware he's upside down! I'm so excited I can't wait til I get to hold him and take more pictures of him! He's got curly reddish brown hair! Amazing how much a baby lights up your life since I'm not able to have any kids! Hope my brother and sister in law will have one soon so I can spoil it too! I can't wait until the next one is born! Well have a good night!

Happy Birthday

This day marks my husbands 37 birthday! I've had the honor of sharing 8 birthdays with him! Every one has been different this one will not be and different! I love him and hope that he has the best day ever! Today we shopped for his birthday present and he got a new fish finder for his boat! I told him it better work and it better put me on some monsters! I'm ready to try out my new lure that fell in the buggy today! If jumped right off the shelf and said please take me home you don't have me! I'm your favorite color! Purple! Hmm so u know what its sitting on table waiting patinetly to be reunited with others like it in my wore out tackle box! So, I just want to say thank you baby for loving me and allowing me to share 8 bdays with u! I lobe u!

Thinking.....

For the first time in many months I'm not posting a mobile blog tonight. I'm actually sitting down at the computer and typing this out on a normal keyboard. Sometimes when I blog its when I'm laying in the bed because I can't sleep. Today was a pretty good day, I got my infusion for my RA which according to the doctor is doing pretty good right now. We will know more in a few days when all the blood work comes back. This time like last month they blew out my vein again but this time wasn't because of some asshole of a nurse that didn't know her ass from a whole in the ground this time was because as the nurse stuck me my vein decided that it wanted to move. I wasn't mad this time because it wasn't her fault. She moved to the other hand and first try got the IV started. She gave me my pretreat which consist of 2 Tynenol, 1 Benadryl and a steroid shot. Usually, I wait before I fall asleep until they actually start my meds today, I didn't even know she had come in there and hung the bag up or started it. I was out like a light. She said i told her my name and all that but I don't remember a thing. Wouldn't woke up when i did if she didn't cut the light back on to start my last 30 mins. I said you just now starting my meds and she said No Ms Holland you have been asleep for an hour. I was like wow. It was crazy i was just tried i guess. I go back in one month to get it again. Ok thats all about my day.
Last weekend on sunday not the one that just passed the one before that. We had to rush Corey's dad to the VA in memphis because he wasn't doing well and had already been told he his bone marrow wasn't making blood so he was getting blood transfusion and stuff. So we get him to VA about 12 am on monday morning, we sat there until about 3:30am, they was going to keep him over night and i didn't see the need for us all to be sitting there doing nuthing. So I drove me, corey and corey's brother home at 330 am. We get home about 530 or so we go to bed and got up about 1pm on monday afternoon. We called to check on his dad and he was doing better they had given him some blood. THey did a CT scan on his head again to see if the tumor from before had come back or a new was there. well, a new one is there. but he is too weak to have another surgery. Corey and his brother left on wednesday morning going camping for one night at sardis. I went to my life long friends Mark and Margie's House and had supper with them. It was good too. I missed corey and he missed me but it was good for us to have a few days apart. I think every couple needs some time apart from time to time. Thursday Corey and Derek go up to memphis to see their dad at the VA hospital and when they get there. Jody(corey's dad) told them that the doctor told him with him having to have a blood transfusion every week that he had about 2 months to a year to live. It hit the boys pretty hard because these two boys lived and breathed every word and thing their dad said to be the truth. They worship the ground he walks on. Yes they might of disagreed from time to time but thats their father. Corey's talked to him a few times and on this Monday me and him had a fight and he left to go see his parents. Well, he sat down and told his dad how he felt things should go when he passes. Like what to do with the land, guns and other personal things that he has. Corey came home and told me that they are going to have family meeting on sunday with just the kids. I hope that it doesn't get out of control and that they can be sensible about it. I know its hard to watch your parent die. I'm doing my best to be as strong as I can for corey but its so hard to watch a grown man cry without just boo hooing with him. Weve had our share of tears shed together since last week.
I told corey that i hope that he doesn't have to suffer as long as my grandmother did. Death isn't something that you can prepare for, i don't care how much youve tried you can't possibly prepare for it.
Thats the scoop of what has been going on in my life. I just want corey to know that i love him with all my heart and im going to be by his side thru it all. I don't plan on leaving him hanging when his father does pass. im gonna be right here ready to cry with him. I just hope im able to give him the support he needs. I know that its gonna hurt and im gonna have to be a strong person. I want to take a moment and say this much. Welcome Home Jody. Welcome Home.