End of 2015

This year has been a year of ups, downs and sideways! I've lost some friends, gained some friends and even fell in love! God granted a wish that I've prayed for, for many of years! To allow my brother and sister in law have a baby because I couldn't! He did, April 9 she was born! She wanted to scare us all by doing ballerina tricks in her momma's tummy and wrap her cord around her neck! But sbhe was healthy and we was proud of her! She's growing so fast that I feel like at times the next time I see her she will be running around! But who knows! I've lost a few friends and some I'm sad about some I'm not so sad about! But losing friends sometimes is a good thing because it just goes to show that they wasn't meant to be! But it does hurt! It hurts to know that I've shared a few things with these so called friends and they let one little thing ruin it! I also fell in love with a woman! I thought after missy I'd never find one that I could fall in love with! She's so much more than anyone else is! She makes my life so much a better place! I can't see life without her and her kids in it! But I know one day her Prince Charming will come around and I want be her girlfriend anymore! But until that day comes I'll love her and prove to her I love her in every way I can!

I've got lots of things to think about and work on in 2016! One being myself! I gotta find myself again! I gotta quit thinking everything is about me! Quit thinking that when other show emotions that they are toward me! I gotta learn to let others have emotions!! I got to quit making others feel like they have to love me! 

All my life all I've known is to run from my problems and hide my feelings! And now that I wear my feelings on my sleeve it hurts because my hopes get crashed, my feelings get hurt, my world gets turned upside down!! All I've ever wanted was for some one to love me for me, show me love, and teach me love! Corey has taught me that love is just a word, over the years he has shown me that love is what money can buy! When I told Her that if somethings ever happened to me and Corey she would be the one that I'd want to be with, what she said in return kind of let me know that she loves me, but she's not in love with me and probably will never be in love with me! I've gotta learn to accept that! I gotta learn to accept that I'm not her knight in shining armor and never will I be the one that she will be truly happy with! I keep telling myself that I'm a dumbass for doing this! I'm a shit head for falling in love with someone that will never be happy with just me! She said she has nothing to offer! She said she sees that's Corey can take me out on the town and she wouldn't ever be able too! But when I tell her that she has more to offer than she thinks she doesn't believe me! I failed again! I fucked up again! 

To end 2015 i think I'll take a bottle of crown and drink the whole thing while I'm stuck in my room and then sleep until I don't know when! Or maybe I'll just drive away and never look back! Maybe I'll just take my gun and blow my brains out! Who knows! Fuck it!  

My Love

My love

The moment i looked in your eyes

I saw hurt, pain, and anguish

The moment I hugged you I felt

The broken pieces of your heart poke me

The moment I saw you standing there 

I was like wow the beauty

I drank in your perfume

I drank in your smell

I still smell you

The moment I kissed you I felt 

The love you had deep inside of you 

I wanted more and more of you 

I can't get enough of you

When I miss you I look 

At our photos and see the smile 

On your face I see the love

I hear you saying my name and 

It melts my heart more

The love in your heart shows in your smile

Your smile makes my heart melt

I love you, my love! 

Birthday

Another year has come and another year older! It was a great day spent with Mary, Trudy, Corey and Keelen! I really enjoyed everyone being here! I loved all my gifts! They know how to make a girl feel special! I love them all! 

With each year older i like too look back and see where I was this time last year! I've learned a lot, did a lot, met some friends that's stuck around, some that left me standing, some that still hang around waiting for the next time I fail so they look like the hero! Life at times has a way of telling you when something is right, wrong, or indifferent! No matter what you have to live with your decisions and learn from mistakes! I feel a little more wiser since last year! Maybe not, but i try to think I am! 

When you lose friends, you think it's because you did something and maybe you did, but when you know you didn't and still lose friends it makes your life hard! I hate that over the past year I've lost friend that i considered my family but they used me then left! I don't get it! But that's be side the point! 

I've gained a new person in my life that I call my friend, beat friend, lover and wifey! She came at a time in my life that I needed someone to pick me up! She picked me up and carried me when I couldn't walk, lifted my spirits, has brought my smile back that everyone loves, given me reason to live! I'd lost myself before her, I'd lost who I was, I wasn't who I wanted to be! She's brought back my world she's given me the breath of air I needed! Thank you Mary! You mean me more to me than you will ever truly know! As I lay down each night I thank God for giving me you! Making you mine! Though our life's has just begun, we had a few misunderstandings! That's wig every new beginning! Here's to the rest of our lives! We shall be happy! I love you Mary! Thank you!! 

Pills!

The little things that make your feel better, relieve your headache, stomach ache, and even stress at times! Oh how I love them, i take so many that at times i feel like just taking them all at once and saying fuck it! I've given much thought to just taking about 4 norco's and 8 tramadol just to relieve my pains! Tonight my heart hurts, my body hurts, my mind hurts! I just about took all that and then some! No one knows what goes on in my fucking body, no one knows what goes on in my fucking head! I went to bed last night with my body hurting, woke up with my legs killing me, as the day went on my body still hurt but i managed to smoke some Boston butt, chuck roast, and chicken! All the while I helped Corey clear out the shrubs in the front yard! Then I came inside and thought since I had cooked the meat he would of cooked the sides but instead he came in and sat down in his chair and started watching tv! Well my tummy was upset so I was just sitting in the kitchen for a min! I go to get out corn and green beans well he doesn't like that, he wanted baked beans and corn! I sit the pans out, and I asked him to open the cans for me because I was sitting in the chair and was hurting! He smarts off and said you don't need them opened just yet! Well that made me mad because it shouldn't matter, why can't you just open the damn cans! Well I said a few choice words and he slammed the open cans on the counter and said anything else you need! He gives me the cutting board, knife and onion then throws some bacon on the cutting board! As I was cutting he onion up he said well your doing that wrong your should of put bacon in first then the onions! I said well damn excuse me I didn't know there was a correct way! So I browned the bacon and onions then poured the beans in the pan covered them and told him I had to sit down! Well I sat down in my chair and I tell him to watch the beans! And he huffs a little and said ok! As we are about to eat he said the blessing and said Thank you Lord for helping me to get through these 13 years they've been rough! Well that's kind of host me because that sounds to me like I've been a bad person! Hell I know that the 13 years have been hell at times and at times great! But I'd never said that in the blessing for the food! Then as I'm getting ready to take a shower he said I'll be back got somewhere to go! So he left when I was in shower! While in shower i thought I'd invite Mary, Trudy and her kids over next Saturday for my birthday and we have a cookout and bonfire! But Mary and her family have plans to go look at Christmas lights so now I'm gonna make other plans might just run off to tunica for the night and get wasted! But I'm not mad or upset with her because she doesn't have much time to spend with her family because she works night shift! I've actually encouraged her to spend time with them! As i laid down tonight I forgot to take my pills so I got back up and took them along with a few more than normal! Maybe I'll feel no pain and will just be so out of it that'll I'll sleep all night! Peace, Love and fucked yo! 

Thinking about you!

Give me one minute of your time and I'll make it the best minute of your day! Give me the few moments of your life and I'll try to make them the best! Give me one kiss and I'll cherish it for ever! Give me one hug and I'll never wash my shirt again! Give me one look and I'll never wipe it from my mind! Take one picture and I'll post it where I can see it daily! Give me you and I'll love you forever! Be my best friend and I'll be yours! Be my ear to hear and I'll be yours, be my voice when I can't speak and I'll be yours! Be my legs when I can't walk, and I'll be yours when I can! Be my shoulder when I need one and I'll always be yours! No love ever is perfect but my love for you is unconditional! I love you Mary Christina Odle! 

Give me three steps towards the door

Since it posted before I was done here is full version:

Yea you know that song, your singing it right now! It's been around for a long time! Remember my mom listening to it! But, that's truly not what this blog is about! But the first step to anything, is admitting your lost, broken, and need a little guidance! But the admitting your lost is the harder of the others because not everyone feels they are lost! I was lost once, twice, three times and the three steps helped me find my self!  The door was opened I just had to enter! But, since I've found myself I've found someone that needed me just as much as I needed her! I left on Tuesday going to tunica with her and had the time of my life! She's so much fun to be around! We laughed, cried, hugged and just helped each other release some past pains! The laughs turned to tears but happy tears, the tears turned to openness that's helped us get past the past and look towards the future! Sometimes when life throws us under the bus so to speak, you have to have that one person that can pick up the pieces and help you move on!  But at times we need to catch ourselves and really think about our future! I see lots more memories, more laughs, more cries, and more fun times! 

Missing someone hurts so bad at times all you can do is cry, weep and wish you was there with them! Tonight I needed to be in 3 places at one time! I have one friend talking Suicide, one needing a shoulder to cry on and just needing to be at home! Ones in Florida can't get to her, all I can do is pray she's ok! The other is at work, sitting with an older lady, and really has a heavy heart! She needed my shoulder to lean on! Then just needing to be at home! Home is where your heart should be! But tonight my heart was two other places! But I hope both of them know I love them and would do what ever to help them both! 

Next random shit I want to write about is my 13th wedding anniversary is coming up! So what does he buy me? A foot pedicure thing because he said my feet look ugly and needs help! When I asked him what he bought himself he said nothing yet but I figured I'd treat myself to a movie on Sunday which is our anniversary! But I don't care let him go! He Deserves it! I might make him a homemade card but I don't know! He's not the romantic type! 

Next up is just that I made something for my friend Mary and she loved it! I made something for him and he said nothing! She thanked me, and said she loved it and no one had ever made anything for her! It made my heart smile so damn big because she appreciated my homemade work! Thank you Mary!

I know this blog is random as hell, just my mind is in a million places! Ugh! Peace! Fuck this it's a fucked up mess already! 

Give me three steps towards the door

Yea you know that song, your singing it right now! It's been around for a long time! Remember my mom listening to it! But, that's truly not what this blog is about! But the first step to anything, is admitting your lost, broken, and need a little guidance! But the admitting your lost is the harder of the others because not everyone feels they are lost! I was lost once, twice, three times and the three steps helped me find my self!  The door was opened I just had to enter! But, since I've found myself I've found someone that needed me just as much as I needed her! I left on Tuesday going to tunica with her and had the time of my life! She's so much fun to be around! We laughed, cried, hugged and just helped each other release some past pains! The laughs turned to tears but happy tears, the tears turned to openness that's helped us get past the past and look towards the future! Sometimes when life throws us under the bus so to speak, you have to have that one person that can pick up the pieces and help you move on!  

Forgot photos for last blog

Smoking turkey

Last night I put a whole turkey in a brine to rest all night! This am I stuffed it with a green apple, celery, fresh rosemary, onion and I brushed it with melted butter and thyme! I also prepared a beef roast wrapped in bacon with red pepper and brown sugar! My first time using the big smoker, I've smoked a few things on the grill but I'm in love with this thing! The roast had a nice smoke ring, the bacon was great! I let my friend Mary try it and she was blown away! Then I took my turkey off and it had the right amount of color, the right smoke flavor and the wing I tried was so juicy it was almost falling off the bone! While I was cooking Mary was dusting, mopping, and sweeping my house to make it smell better! 

She had her son with her and he played the wii then played in the hammock! We got a chance to talk and catch up on life! She's been the light I needed in my life! She came into my life at a dark time and she may never know It but she saved me! I was depressed, sad, lonely, lost and needed help! She helped me, she kept me sane! I can't thank her enough for the things she's done for me! I gave her something today that well it was mine at one time and I found it and gave it to her! I hope she wears it and remembers the day she came in my life! 

Photos above are the start to finish of my meat And a few of me and Mary being crazy and her son 

Longing?

Long time ago I blogged just about daily, then I just quit blogging then I started back! Tonight's post is longing? What are you longing for? What has you wanting more? What could make your day better? Is it a hug from someone special? Is it a phone call from the one you love, a text? Longing means wanting, hoping, wishing! So if you say I'm longing for the day I'm alone with that person that's captured my heart! I'm longing for the day that I'm alone with you! Alone with your body, mind and spirit! I'm longing for the little moments, the little things that mean nothing to no one but me! The way you smile, the way you laugh! It's all those little moments! One day when I least expected it you walked into my life and now I long for you! I wish to be with you, I hope to make you smile! I'm wanting you more and more! The little messages make my heart beat fast, the little phone calls make my heart beat fast! It's something that I had lost for a while! Like my life has gotten stagnant! I was just living, I wasn't smiling, I wasn't laughing I was just here! Since that day it's been all up hill except I miss those moments we had! But then moments like today while shopping a remark was made that made me think back as to why my life was stagnant! The remark brought back the reasons why I'm not happy at times and the reason why I stay depressed at times! But I thought of you and all the pissed offness went away! I looked back at some photos that made me smile even when I was ready to cry! I'm learning to live again! Learning to be happy again! And it makes others not trust me! It makes others accuse me of things! But the thing is that trust was broken and it's never been regained when it should of been! As I got home and sat down I looked at more photos and thought more about you and smiled so big! I watched our favorite football team whip the hell out of LSWho! It made my night that much more sweeter! Seeing you today briefly made me smile too! I was floating on cloud 10 because cloud 9 was taken! I jumped from cloud to cloud until I got knocked off briefly! When I hug you it's like a Fourth of July fireworks show going off! When we kiss it's like my world gets turned upside down! I get weak in the knees, my heart races, my mind wonders, my body longs for more! I'm falling deeply in love with you! It doesn't scare me that I am it excites me! I long for you! I ache for you, I want you, I love you! I love every inch of you, from the finest hair on your head to the bottom of your beautiful feet! The more I want you the more I hope that you want me the same! At times I think what if? What if I wasn't married would you be mine for ever? What if I wasn't disabled and can't do much would you be mine for ever? What if? It's a big statement and a bold statement! Longing for! What are you longing for? What are your hoping for? What are you wanting? What are you wishing for? You might never answer those questions, I can only hope, wish, want and long for you too! Hope to see you soon! Kiss you, hold you, hug you and be with you! 

Wow!!

Ever have that feeling that something so good could be happening right before your eyes? When I got a simple friends request on Facebook I didn't know the woman, but we had a mutual friend in common and we both was Ole Miss Fans! I stalked her page for a few days trying to figure out who she was like I do anyone that friend request me! I found a woman with 3 kids, a daughter and 2 sons! I sent her a private message and I asked her a couple of questions which I could tell she was a little scared but hell who wouldn't be! As days went on and time passed we finally met and a friendship emerged! A friendship that I cherish every minute of! It's amazing when your at your darkest moment God slips someone in your life and that person needed you too! We have so many things in common from our past hurts to some of the same likes and dislikes! I know that Corey wasn't gonna trust me because we became fast friends but I've not given him reason to distrust me so I think he knows! He said to me that as long as she's not trying to take me away from him then he's ok with it! It's nice to have that person you can talk to and spend a few mins with and they understand you! Thanking God for her! I've seen her blossom to a beautiful flower! I've laughed at her so much that I was hurting the other day!! But a day with laughter is better than a day with tears! Thank you Mary!

So much has gone on since my last blog i don't even know where to begin! I've realized that Suicide isn't an option and that living like on the wild side is fun! I also know that sometimes it takes a lot to be a good person! And I've learned that I'll be the last to know anything from my family! But it's ok I've been black sheep for so long that my black is gray! When I left my mothers home in August of 2001 I left there knowing id never go back only for holidays! I've stayed true to my word, I ain't been back but for holidays! Yes I still long for that love that she gives my brother and sister but i also know that I'll never get it! I still long for that day that she calls me and ask me to go out with her without my sister! I still long for that day that she tells me she loves me and actually means it! I may never see it! I've gotten to the point I've given up trying! I got blessed out from her over a photo that I posted and I told her then that if not call her she had to call me, I'd not drive down to see her she would have to drive to see me, and she even told me she'd never share anything else with me! That's fine because what happens in my life doesn't need to be spoken to anyone that doesn't give two shits about me! I've give her all I can give or all I will give! It hurts to know that the middle child sometimes gets the bad end of the deal! All my life all I wanted was love! All my life all I got was thrown away! So when your thrown away one to many times you finally learn your lesson! As i lay here with tears I my eyes and running down my cheek, I feel the need to just hope and pray that I see her in heaven! I hope that she's asked the Lord to forgive her! I hope that my father has done the same! May they both get the judgement that they deserve and I know I'm not living perfectly and I'm ready for my judgment! Life has its way of making you see the good in others, the bad in others, and the truth in others! But I'm going to bed with a smile because I know that someone loves me out there! Peace

Wow long time ago

Its been since the 21st of December last year that I've posted anything! A lot has happened since then! Christmas Eve we found out that we was getting a niece due in April! The new year came in and things was going great! April 9, 2015 my niece decided that she was gonna be a ballerina and wrap her cord around her neck and cause her heart rate to drop! So as I was sitting there in L&D room with Rhonda and Scott! I was overwhelmed with joy, worry, and trying to stay strong for them both! I paused for a min and prayed to God to take control, keep Elly Mae safe, keep Rhonda safe and give Scott the strength to hold on! The wheeled Rhonda out with Scott in tow!! Tears started rolling down my face, my heart stopped for a min! But I held it all together with Gods help! Pauline Rhonda's mom should up and then dad and carol showed up! I was doing my best to hold it all together! Then Scott came out with my beautiful niece! She was so precious! I wanted to just hug her and kiss her! We left out of waiting room and I lost it! I just hugged my husband as tight as I could! The nurse said her cord was wrapped 4 times around her neck! But momma and baby was great! Scott was excited and a proud poppa! Then my mom and heather showed up and they revealed her name! I'd called her Elly Mae in honor of Elly Mae clampett who died! Her name is Elizabeth Kathryn Palmertree born at 3:38pm April 9, 2015 19in long 7lbs 14oz she had big feet! And was beautiful! Attached are pictures from the past month!