Life after life

The time has come blog for another useless entry! As I lay here like I do many times before its like Your my release and your my way of saying my feelings! Over the past couple of weeks I've made harsh remarks bout my ex! I know that at times and as I read over them I was wrong but at the time of pain and agony and defeat I felt it was the right thing to do! But now I see that I just needed a way to express my inner feelings! As these useless words form on this page im moving on slowly but I am! I hope she is too!
Next topic that I feel I need to get off my chest! I live in a house that has my name and my husband's name on it but his younger brother lives here too! Now if you are living basically free other than keeping house clean then you shouldn't Have any say so in what goes On in This house! I feel like im in a prison Where my every move is watched and my every move is recorded! I just feel like that at some point in time, im gonna explode and when I do its not gonna be pretty! Now on to next topic!
Corey and I both agreed that we aren't happy that we just can't stand each other! He says I need my "pills" When really all I need is love and compassion that was Never shown to me over my lifetime! He tells me he loves me but really does he? I mean I just don't see it! I don't know! I just feel like he's keeping me around just so he can have sex on occasion and can take my monthly check! I feel helpless and hopeless! With all this out in the open maybe that things will began to look up!
Now last thing! I miss our talks, our days of hanging out! But one thing I don't miss is having to tell my every move! I'd like to thank a few ppl That over the course of all this going on they stood by me! Margie you've Been my rock, my shoulder, my arm and my legs to stand on without you I'd be in a funeral home, heather your a Great friend im proud God brought you in my life at my time of need and Your time of need too!, Becky your a Great friend too you helped me in more ways than You'll Ever know! Thanks! Corey you've been the same ol boy you've always been but I love you! Virginia OMG you don't know how much it means to be able to vent to you! Jean, your my Sister and as we said we both need each other Thanks for all you've done too! All of you've touched my life in more ways than you'll ever know! Its been a hard road and one that I hope is less traveled! Love you all!

Hmmm what to call this

I'm so in need of affection that I've felt like looking for someone on the street to just give me a little affection! I've never had that love and affection that I've always longed for and needed! But when I got married he showed me a little love and affection but then over the years I guess I'm seeing the true man he really is! He doesn't hug, kiss or love on me without me making him! So as I lay in this bed every single night just wanting to be held without sex it hurts to feel like I'm just a piece of ass! Im just here to Have his supper cooked, and give him a piece of pussy when ever he wants it! I just don't feel he loves me anymore and I guess that I'm just here for the thought of That I'm saving something that's failing! I love him but I need the affection he shows when I'm gone from home all the time! But instead I get well I just told you I missed you because I wanted you to feel the love! Well I need to feel it all the damn time! I was away this past Saturday night and OMG it felt so good laying in bed with someone That just held me while I slept and never asked for anything in return! It felt good! I miss it so much right Now! But Hes on one side of bed and I'm on other if I roll over and touch him he moves further away! I'm bout ready to ask for an open marriage! Just don't care at this point! But I'm just fed up! Well blog I've decided to make this blog and Call it bitch fest! Good night world!

Suicide thoughts

These thoughts have come from many long years of wear and tear on my body! These thoughts are ones that I Keep hidden all the time! They are thoughts that rear there head when I'm not having a Good day or wk or month! These thoughts just come up at random times and tonight they are unbearable! They are thoughts that are just there! They make me wanna just throw in the towel so to speak! They want me to just give up!

Here's what's in my head: if I'm not wanted or loved by anyone then the best thing to do is end it all here! End it so my pain and suffering Will end too! Ill never hurt any more nor will I ever have the unwanted feeling I have now! My insides hurt Because I feel like Corey just wants me here for sex and someone to cook and clean! I'm so tired of this one-sided relationship That I'm just about ready to walk away! I need to show him I mean business! I need him to see just how hard I've tried to make it all right! I just don't want to get to point of no return and then I'm screwed! So as I tell all my thoughts I'd like to say That I'd Never kill myself because I do have a little sense! But I have These thoughts! Ugh make them go away! Is it too much to ask for to be happy! Ugh!

Random things!

As these words flow on this paper they aren't just my thoughts there my feelings and as you read them you might actually think I'm a little crazy but maybe I am! I hope That someone in perticular reads it! If not then I guess it wasn't meant to Be!
Where to begin, first I think your very pretty AND I've wanted you since the first day we met! But as I get to know you I realize That in just not your type AND I feel like that your out for someone so that no one suspects That other things are going on! I mean I know I'm not pretty, I'm fat and no one wants me not even my husband but I still continue on with my life! At times I feel most people don't wanna deal with my chronic pain that I'm in and my constantly having to take meds! I just don't understand no one wants to see me for the person I am and not the person that my body has made me out to Be! But back to you, I just wish you'd say hey Christy I want to keep our friendship AND I think your a great friend but I'm just not attracted to You! I promise ill only Be hurt for a few mins and ill only cry for a few mins!  But as it goes I just have that hope that one day you'll see that I'm not as ugly or non your type as you think! I'm truly a great down to earth person that's felt so unwanted all her life that I just want to feel loved, wanted and just not needed When ever you need something! I'm a great friend and Maybe I try to hard! Maybe I'm too generous or maybe I'm just too overall good for anyone! My heart is so big as I've been told a thousand times and yet I still continue to go in head first with my heart AND let it lead me into battle When I should use my head! But sometimes feelings gets in way!
As I lay here and do This blog like many other blogs I've posted from the comfort of my bed! Its a matter of time before I step out of this marriage! Its just a matter of time before I get fed up and walk away! You can only give so much before the string breaks and I'm here to tell you its getting tread bare!
Things that are going on in my head aren't the best thoughts nor the worst thoughts but I will tell you this much, its a matter of my feelings as I write them out as a release! Blogging helps me release the feelings and I don't care who reads them! I've always wanted ppl to see the real me but I'm hiding at the moment and as I hide behind the computer screen or in This case the phone screen! Unless you know me personally then you see the me I wanna be in my body! I hope that the ones that do read will still continue to read but Never judge me! Thanks! Comments are welcome! My email is rebelpride77@Gmail.com! Rebelpride is actually for my favorite college sports team the Ole miss Rebels

Hard day and Birthday wishes

This am when I woke I had one thing on my mind and that was how I was going to stop myself from calling Missy! In the last 4 years or so everytime I went to doc and infusion I called her most of the time I woke her!  She never minded and It always made my wait time in the doc office and time in Infusion center go so quickly! I was driving to doc and it dawned on me and I teared up, I said self you can do this! I went to reach for phone and I kept telling myself don't do it! So I Didn't! As I walked in to office and signed in all that I thought was damn this wait is gonna be long! And it was, I had no one to text, call or nothing! But then it really hit me, I have no One to share my good news! It was heartbreaking but I made it until this evening when I broke down and emailed her this very story! It hurt but I felt she needed to see that the love I share for her is a lot deeper than the love She shares for me! But, as my Night got worse I begin to see that she's not only been my rock at times she's been my helper to help me along! I know she thinks I'm being harsh but really I'm not! If something ever happens to Corey and I there will not be any interaction between us after I leave or we go our sperate ways! That's just me! I'm sorry but its how I am! I know like everything else with time it gets better! This shall too! End of story!

Tomorrow is my mom's bday and I know That she's not been the best person in the world but I do know that she's still my mom! I love her and always will! Happy Birthday mom! And I Hope for many more with u!

Just random

I saw something on fb tonight that I really liked and thought I'd share with all to see!

"If I hugged you would you hold me and not let go!",
"if I kissed you would u cherish that moment!",
"if I reached for your hand would you take mine gently!",
"if I fell for you would u catch me or just let me hit ground!"

If those things where ever asked to me by anyone my generic answer would be yes to all and I'd catch you!
If they was asked by someone that I liked a lot then I'm sure I'd answer something like this!
Yes I'd never let you go because the affection that's shown in the hug means so much to me! When can I hug you again after we have to let go!
If I was kissed yes I'd cherish that moment and play it in my head a thousand times because a kiss yo me is the greatest thing to show someone your very interested and you want them on a deeper level!
If they reached out if gladly hold there hand gently and probably never wanted to let go!
If they was falling I'd do my best to catch them before they remotely made it to the ground! I'd Never let anyone fall intentionally!
All of does describe to me that your truly showing signs of falling in love with someone! When I saw it I sent it to several different ppl to get reactions and the one that shocked me the most was from my new friend! She told me That she felt like That the first time we hugged, kissed, held hands and that if I'd be falling she'd definitely catch me! That made me feel great! So I know where we stand now!  Well I gotta go to bed I got long day after while! Its probably gonna take a toll on me! But ill make it! Good Night!

Living my Life

The other day I was told two things that hurt me to the bone. I've blogged about it and today I need to blog how I'm feeling at the moment. One don't tell me I need to grow up and get a hold of myself then Yell at me and tell me that one day God is gonna slap me in the face. I just don't get it.. But what I do get is that yesterday and today has been great. No text, no phone calls and no interaction with someone that hurt me. I'm slowing moving on and hopefully soon I'll be completely over her and can move on with my life.. I've found a new friend that is truly just that, she doesn't want anything out of me, doesn't care what I do in my own time. Just someone to talk to and someone to go places with that doesn't care if I have a beer. I needed that in my life because I have a boring husband that feels like he can't go out of the house and do anything without people judging us. My new friend and I went to a Mat Kearney concert and It was great. We ate supper, talked and just had a great time. Laughed and laughed then ended the night with a trip to walmart to get her dogs some dog food. Then I took her back to her car and off we went our separate ways. We've texted everyday leading up to Friday night and then everyday since then. She was so sweet and fun. She made me laugh like i haven't laughed in a long time. It was fun. I enjoyed it. With the other one it was like you had to know my every move and what i was doing right then and if i didn't answer her text or call she was calling and texting saying i was mad at her. I didn't feel the connection i was looking for when I met Becky. I did feel a great friendly connection. I'm looking for a sexual connection with a female one that I can have some friends with benefits sometimes. Not all the time, I'm not looking for a relationship just a friends with benefits. I need something fun in my life someone that's not a home body and wants to get out and do things. I guess that I just need to be divorced and move to the coast because that's where I feel free and feel accepted. I guess that sometimes I just need someone to show me that there are more things to do than sit at home and watch TV all the time. I'm a child at heart and i feel like my husband was sheltered child and doesn't understand that you can have fun outside of the home and still not do much. This concert was no one big but the tickets where 18 a piece. I mean darn why can't we go do something like that. Cause he's lazy and doesn't want to leave home.

STRESSFUL DAY!

As I lay here and reflect on my day today it just doesn't seem to get any better! First, my dog I think is dying, secondly the woman that I confessed my love for and too has just turned her life around and is all religious and thinks she's not Going to heaven unless she does this and this! All the while condeeming me for not wanting to change! I'm Sorry that I loved you more than just a friend and you lead me too believe it was more than just a friend thing When I laid in your bed and you spoke these very words to me! This want be the last time! But the next day your all like your feelings have been cut off and your not ever gonna have those feelings again! Hmmm didn't know that it was like a light switch flip on and off by choice! Cause honey I'm here to tell you if that's the case then I'd switch mine off long time ago! But as you put it when God gets ahold of you you will know it! Yep that's true but I feel like your being feed the wrong message! Hmmm I'm making changes for the better and I know What your problem is your scared that if You come around me then gods gonna get a hold of you! Nope I'm not scared of you only person that scares me is God and When my day comes that he's ready to take me he will! If I get casted out of heaven then I deserved it! Its like with anything else we all sin! We all make mistakes but how we ask for forgiveness isn't anyone's business but ours and God's! Not yours AND not Joe blow on the street! I haven't said one cross thing about you that I ain't said to you personally! I ain't said or did not one thing that I ain't done to ur personally! So go a head and say oh run me in the ground and talk bad about me cause that's all your Good for! Nope I'm good for lots of things and those things aren't any of your damn business! You've been jealous of my life since we broke up over 2 yrs ago! How many friends do you have that you ask their every move? How many friends do you text every night AND tell them good night love you or Good Morning love you! You think that feelings and stuff can be cut off and on like a light switch Well yours might Can but Christy's doesn't work like that! Ive told you two different times today leave me alone now I'm making it worldwide known leave me alone!
Now with that out of the Watching now back to the regularly scheduled blog! I went away from Sunday night until Tuesday afternoon and had a little time to reflect and get things in order in my head! It took a little while to get it all figured out but I've just about got it all figured out! First, I finally saw the true person She was, secondly I've just about seen the true person Corey is! He tells me while I'm gone oh I miss you so much but your first day off that I'm home you decide that your friend needs your help! That to me tells me oh I just wanted you home so I knew What you was really doing! Well if you wanna know so much just ask! Cause ill gladly tell you! I looked at women asked a few for a one night stand and Then wasted 30 dollars and came home! See I ain't gotta hide shit like he does! His porn! I'm sure while I was gone it was looked at a 1000 times! But life goes on! OK blog my arm hurts and so does my thumb talk at u later!