New Year!

As 2013 comes to a close I can say I'm better than I was at the end of 2012! I've come a long ways in my healing process and I've seen who my true friends are and who really cares for me! Sometimes I think that others times it's just better that I've walked away from some of my friends! When I really think back on 2013 I've done more for myself than I ever have in my life! I'm learning to let go of the past, I've gotten the help I needed to recover from abuse! I'll always from this moment forward continue to heal! I've come to far now to give up! I've come to far to turn back! He will no longer control me in 2014 and neither will anyone else! I'm taken control of my life and I will be in control from this day forward! Taking back control has really helped me! Today I talked to a friend about something's and I hope that I helped and didn't hinder! Sometimes I try to help but other times I don't know if I'm helping or causing more pain! But maybe I did!! I'm a better person than I've ever been!! Courage is something that I never thought I had but i do and anyone reading this that has ever been abused you too are not alone you are worthy and it's not your fault! The monster that did that to you will pay in the end! And you will finally get the freedom you so deserve! Just takes time!! This past year was hard at times too and I one time I actually planned out my suicide attempt and I was willing to go thru with it but I changed my mind! Can't say it will be last but next time I might not back down! I might do it! But here's to a new year and hope it's joyous and full of happiness! Cheers! Another cider down and one more to go! 

Mother from book answers later

• what is my relationship with this person like?

• how do I feel about the relationship?

• have I told this person what happened to me? Is he or she supportive of my healing?

• how do I feel when we talk or spend time together?

• do I take more drugs, drink more alcohol, or eat too much or too little when I'm around this person?

• does this person criticize me, insult me, or hurt my feelings?

• how do I feel after a visit? Depressed? angry? Like I'm crazy? Nurtured and supported? Relaxed? Basically okay but not great? 

• what kind of relationship would I like to have with this person?

• what would have to happen for this relationship to improve? 

Saying goodbye

The lies the bull shit the non sense just pisses me off! I've done no wrong and I'll stand up for what I know and what I've said! The other day I got the final message I will ever receive from Lisa Porter or Richard Porter!! I'm tired of being blocked unblocked and sent a message only to be blocked again! I've turned all the threatening messages over to the proper ppl and I have reported both profiles to Facebook and I've blocked both profiles! I hate it's came down to this but it must stop I've deleted all her "friends" that had messaged me when I posted on her wall that I was praying for her! I've removed myself from any groups or pages that she's been associated with and I will not ever trust a single person again! For someone if it's true to go and tell him what I've said about her supposed in a private group that everyone in there has reassured everyone that no one can see it is betraying and uncalled for! From this moment on as far as I'm concerned I don't care what happens to Lisa and I hope she's happy and he's happy too

Christmas

Christmas to me is the loneliest time of the year! Why you might ask? Cause the child inside of me never got to experience Christmas like kids did, the child inside me longs for toys, longs for kiddy things! The adult in me hates Christmas cause it's not about the meaning anymore it's about the money spent! I can't even buy my husband a gift cause I'm broke! I can't enjoy my family cause I have nothing to give! I can't have a happy Christmas cause of the PTSD and depression! I can't be me cause me is still a child! I can't be happy cause I'm not! Happiness to me I lost a long time ago! The last happiest Christmas I remember was the year I got my first bicycle and a jar full of banana Laffy taffy I mean really after that it didn't mean anything to me! Yea I enjoy the unwrapping of gifts at moms but that's all for show! It's like I'm putting on to be happy! I hope that maybe one year I'll be excited about it again! But until then I'm proud it's over! 

Starting tonight at 12 I'm starting to step away from Facebook, texting and outside world! I'm going to figure out how to love myself! How to connect with that inner child that's longing for a way out! I gotta figure out how to love me before I can fully love Corey! The inner child in me wants to run wild and free and roll around on the ground with the dogs but the adult in me can't cause of a disease that's slowly taking the life out of me! The inner person is screaming for help but all I hear is jumbled up mess cause for so long I've pushed her away just like my mom did! Why most I do this? Why do I push her away? Well cause that's all I've ever known it's all I've ever seen it's all I know! Do you know that a child picks up on things at an early age and they continue to apply it later in life? Well I'm here to tell you that I've pushed away every friend, every lover that I've ever had! But you know what I've learned who my real friends are though! Some have stuck around some ran and some still telling me from time to time I'm fat and ugly! Family has come around but more often than not they don't last either! Do you know that even during the happiest moments the other day I still felt so alone? I felt so left out! So not there! Sometimes I was so spaces out that I didn't even know I was there! It's hard to really enjoy something when you know that one person wishes you was gone! She acted like she didn't even care I was there! Sadly I felt like she was hoping I'd not showed up! But I did and I guess she was trying to act happy! But really down deep inside I felt she wasn't! But the inner child in me had a great time tearing up paper and seeing all the gifts I had and all the fun that surrounded the gifts! That's the happy moment I had! Anyways blog, I'm used to it now! Good night 

Be gone!

Received today at 12am: Christy this is Richard, this will be my last and final message to you.  I want you to know that there have been several people contact Lisa and tell her the things that you have been stating to others in the sisterhood group.  Now I don't know what fantasy land you live in but why would you tell people that you and Lisa are or were in a relationship? And also, they said that you told them you thought it was funny that you snuck into ICU and lisa would think it was funny too.  Now I know you said it they pasted and sent the conversation and I and Lisa both saw it.  You need to get out of your delusional world.  I don't know why you are obsessed with Lisa but you are on the border line of a stalker at this point to me.  Now I hope that you do the best thing and forget about Lisa and don't bring her name up anymore, if you do I will get very personal and disclose info about you to them and corey.  If this continues I will contact Corey to let him know and get you under control. Bye. No reply needed 

Received this on Wednesday at 3:46am

Christy I just wanted to say that what you did offended me and I felt was very disrespectful to Lisa also.  Lisa is out of the hospital now and I decided to discuss what happened to her.  I told her that you came to the ICU unit, when no one else was suppose to be there and that you talked to the nurse and was given confidential health info about her and then posted it on fb. You stated that she would be happy etc  Well she was NOT happy and was very upset by your actions and comments.  She was mad that you stated on a post that you said she was planning this 2 months ago and you told her not to.  Also your remarks about she would have calledyou and the whole post was about getting attention to yourself. The final straw was the info and trip to the icu and sneaking in...just letting you know don't expect to hear from her she was very mad at you when she saw the post 

My reply to this message: Ok that's fine! And I understand that you was offended and felt that way! As far as I'm concerned I lost her a long time ago! She and I lost touch for a long time anyway. We would talk from time to time but not everyday like we used to! It's ok cause she needs you and Blake more than she needs me! And I wish y'all the best and hope for the best in all she does! What I didn't wasn't to offend anyone! And I'm sorry that I did it! And she did talk to me two months ago! And as far as what I put personally on my wall or anywhere isn't anyone's business but my own! I will try to see if I still have the messages where she talked to me about it! If I do then I'll gladly show you! And let you know that I'm not lying! Thank you and good luck and have a good life! Lisa will always be in my heart! But I understand maybe she will understand one day! 

Wasn't able to reply to other message cause I've been blocked again! Little does the fucker know I know enough about him to take him down to the jail! But you know what they fucker can kiss my white ass! And I hope that they both fucking rot in hell! Lisa you was a good friend but now I see your low life bitch that i should of left alone many moons ago! So now fuck off and leave my name out of your fucking mouth! Thank you! Richard you need to grow some fucking balls and get your dick out of your mothers mouth and live your life as a fucking grown ass man! Best of luck to you all! Fuck the fuck off! 

If you ever...

If you ever need confirmation as to what this world has turned to just look at social media! Look at reality tv look at the ones that say Freedom of speech isn't being up held in this country! We are all still free to say and do what we damn well please! My biggest gripe about Phil what ever his name is as far as I'm concerned it's redneck backwoods drunk! His comments as a whole has been over stated and have been taken from context I admit that I'm offended that he shall say that the LGBT community is going to hell cause we are just like the terrorist and drunkards! Well last time I dug deep into his background I saw him openly admit that he said he was a drunk at one time! The bible saying nothing about drinking it does say don't over indulge! And a drunk is over indulging but what you don't see is that sin is sin and people wanna hate the sin but who carries that sin the sinner why not hate the sinner and the sin! No matter if your gay, straight, bi, lesbian, trans if you asked to be forgiven of the sin you've caused then no where does it say that you will not make it to haven! It says you will not make if you deny The Lord in front of others it's not what you do or how you do it! I know I've sinned and I've asked The Lord to forgive me and show me the right path! One day the judgment will come! The ones you think aren't going to heaven are the very ones that will be skipping and hopping right on by! Judgement isn't for us to decide! It's for The Lord to decide! He has the final say, he says who, what, when and how you get to heaven! Never think that your going cause you go to church every time the doors are open cause that don't mean nothing it's what's in your heart and soul that means the most! Don't judge me for who I am and I want call you out for smoking, drinking, gambling, having sex before marriage, cheating or looking at porn! When you judge me I can judge you cause you threw the first stone! Never allow another to tell you what to believe and what not to believe! Listen to the written word not what others speak! Peace

My life!!

I was born on December 12, 1977 to Cary Glenn Palmertree and Paulette Langham Palmertree at Tupelo hospital in Tupelo, MS! I don't have any memories of mom and dad being together as husband and wife cause in less than 6 months after my birth they divorced! He's been married several times and she's never remarried! Earliest remembrance was dad lived on Bryan dr in Tupelo, Ms and mom lived in Sherman, Ms not sure the road name! My childhood was split between the two of them and most of the time when mom wasn't working I was either with her at someone's house while she drank and partied or I was with dad and his wife and her kid! If I wasn't with either of them I was with family friends The Hudson's! Martha and Tommy! Then sometimes mom would take me to see my grandmother and I'd stay with her while she went out! Don't remember much more than that until I was about 8 yrs old I'd say and I had a hard time with wetting the bed cause I was a hard sleeper! That's when the abuse started with my dad he'd come into my room and change this diaper thing that beeped until someone cut it off, detail if this abuse is in an earlier blog I care not to retell it! Lets just say it went on for many years! My stepmom at the time Emily caught him red handed one Saturday morning and instead of snatching me up and getting me out of there she snatched her son up and got him out of there! To this day I truly don't know why! She did reach out to me a few years ago and told me it was because she was scared for Neil's life! My question then and now is why didn't you take me? I may never know the answer to this question! And that's ok! Soon after she left she took dads bed and he was sleeping on a bunk bed that was in Neil's room and he told me to sleep in there and he wanted my bed! I thought since he got caught and she left he would stop well it never did! He blamed me and my brother for her leaving, he blamed me for him abusing me and sometimes I think he might of told my brother to abuse me! Cause soon after that I was forced to do things with my brother like suck his dick! Then I would be made to shower with my dad if we was home alone! During this time when mom would be at Mavis' house partying with everyone and then sometimes when mom would work weekends or during the week during summer Mavis kept me and she would make me sleep with her bad touch her between her legs! All this time I'd already told my mother and she never believed me! She made me stay there In that house until school got out the following year! That was 1991, I then had to take summer school cause I failed a math! So I took summer school to be able to go into the 7th grade! 1992 she finally took me away so to speak of from the abuse! She still forced me off on who ever would keep me and that this point she's already had another child by another man back in 1989 and when I moved in with her I took on the responsibility of taking care of my little sister!! No matter where I went she had to go! My sister was so mad that she couldn't go with me to my senior prom that she pouted the whole time and waited up on me until I came home! I was like a mother to her and I was just a kid myself! Mom still made me go spend weeks with dad by this time he has a new wife and starts drinking heavily and I think the abuse stopped for a while but I do remember having to play doctor when they was trying to sell his new wife's house and he would make me go with him to mow the grass on weekends then play doctor and nurse afterwards that when I got started heavily in baseball cards cause he would bribe me into sucking is dick for baseball cards! This time I didn't bother telling my mother she wouldn't have cared anyway so instead I told my best friend my grandmother Pauline Nelson Langham she told me she couldn't say nothing because it wouldn't mean much unless my mother did it! And she knew my mother wasn't going to do it cause that would mean her losing child support! So I finished school in Water Valley with my mom! At some point my mother caught my brother in bed with me! I vaguely remember at the time we had to sleep on bunk beds cause the house was small and he was on top and I was on bottom and she caught him making me suck his dick she told him that's not what brothers and sisters do and made him sleep on couch from then on! Then she moved his bed to where the dining room used to be and that's where he had to sleep! It didn't stop there it kept going! So as you see my childhood is a fucked up mess! After I graduated high school I went to college at Northwest in Senatobia and stayed on campus just to see what it would be like one day being away from mom! That's where I met my first girlfriend and had my first female experience! That's also where I had my first male encounter other than my father and brother! I was torn at the time cause back in high school I had sex with a guy that I had a crush on one time but it wasn't like all out sex! And I'd kissed my first girl one summer and I liked! I'd daydream about being with her forever then she moved away and I never saw her again! Sadly I think she lost her life at an early age to drunk driving I'm not positive but I think I heard that!  After my encounter in college I was more drawn to a woman than a man but I still tried to find a man just because I knew that's what it was suppose to be! I didn't want to hurt my family by being a lesbian but now that I think about it maybe that's who I really am! After northwest I went on to ole miss and my grandmother started going down here pretty quick then! I was the only one that could pick her up dead weight cause she wasn't able to move much! Then in April of 2001 I lost her and it's a day that I'll never forget! A day that I felt I lost my mother figure the one that tried her best to teach me right from wrong, the one that tried to teach me the things my mother should of taught me! The only one that I felt was trying to teach me love and that love was real and it was ok to love bad that she wasn't gonna hurt me like others that supposedly loved me! I miss her until this day and I miss her saying Christy be all you can be and you will go far in life! Never lose hope of your dreams! Sadly after she passed I quit college cause I had missed so much time that I couldn't concentrate anymore! Sadly I never finished what I started and sadly I was never a quitter but losing her was hard!  August of 2001 my mom and I had a huge fight and she told me to pack my shit and go live with my fucking father cause I was so far up his ass that I couldn't see two feet in front of me! That hurt me but I knew it was her way Of getting me out of her hair so she would truly have the two kids she always wanted my brother and sister! It still hurts to know that my own mother kicked me out but has never once told my brother or sister to ever pack their shit and leave! I went several months where I didn't say not one word to her! And our relationship is kind of estranged still to this day! In Jan 2002 I met Corey after having broke up with a drunkard! I sent Corey a message on love@aol now called match.com we talked and started dating officially in the end of Jan. Sometime around September or October my stepmom Carol kicked me out of the house that her and dad live in! When mom kicked me out I had no where to go but to live with them! Then when carol kicked me out my only options was going back to moms and I knew I didn't want that and I knew she didn't either cause she would say I ain't got the room! Or moving in with Corey! He told me he wasn't allowing me to go move in with her that I could live with him! He was scared to tell his parents but he finally did and his poor mother thought he was gonna tell her I was pregnant and we wasn't married yet! In October of 2002 he asked me to marry him after he did what he was taught to do ask my father could he have my hand in marriage! In September of 2002 my brother married my best friend from high school Rhonda Meeks in Gaitlinburg, TN my dad and stepmom was invited but didn't show and I think that hurt my brother cause his father wasn't there for his special day! On December 6, 2002 I married Corey and as bad as I hated my dad for all he had done from abuse to allowing carol to kick me out I asked him to walk me down the aisle! He did but it wasn't a happy moment for me it was more of a sad moment cause the pain he caused me I was now being give away for good from my mother and father! I truly believe it was the happiest day of their lives! I was no longer their responsibility and I would no longer need them! I truly think my mother was happier than I was cause finally she's pushed me off on the last person! From that day forward I truly don't have much of a relationship with either! Yea I've tried my damnest to prove to them that I'm worthy and to prove to them that I'm their daughter but really all I was doing was begging for love! In 2006 or 2007 I met my first real girlfriend! Missy Tackett she still to this day has about of my heart a little piece! I'll always love her and some days I feel like I should of left Corey then and been with her! But she wasn't ready to come out to the world and I did truly love Corey! After her and I broke up I had a few flings here and there and 4 years ago this jan I finally admitted to my stepmom Carol who is my best friend that my dad molested me and so did my brother! My dad still denies it! 3 yrs ago the 14 of this month Corey and I almost divorced! We split I had to leave so I went to live with dad and carol until I could get my own place! After agreeing to marriage counseling and making his brother get out of our house we've made it work! It's been almost 4 years since I was last with a female sexually! Yea I've kissed a couple but that's it! I'm trying my best to make this marriage work cause for the third time in my life I've felt what love really is! This man really loves me and I can honestly say I really love him! I might flirt and I might slide once in a while but I'll never be able to full leave this man unless that's what he wants! He'll be the one to end it this time! Thru out this story of my life you might of seen something! I never had a mother daughter relationship like most, I never had a father daughter relationship like most! I've been jealous of others that's had kids and I couldn't! And it hurts to know that my husband has to rely on his brothers kids to carry on the family name! Sadly he's never gonna get a chance to be a father like his dad was to him! Sadly I'll never be able to give the love to a child that I never had and do things with that child that I never got to do! Instead I get to save dogs from shelters and I get the unconditional love and a love that never is weary! The one that knows when I'm sad and wants to lick my face and the one that knows when I'm depressed and will do the funniest things to make me smile and laugh! That's the love I get to show! But I thank God daily that I'm still here! In 1992 I slight my wrist in the bathroom at the jr high the school nurse bandaged me up and sent me back to class! I lied and said I'd fallen on the rocks outside! In 2001 I took a lot of pills luckily all it did was make me throw up and sleep! Just two months ago I planned it out and I had the gun ready locked and loaded in my mouth when The Lord told me to pick up my bible! He's saved me 3 times vas eased my mind countless times! I question why but he never answers and then I think it's cause I'm here to help others and help others get the help they need seek out the help that I sought out!! Then I think it's cause I know I want end up in heaven and see my family that's gone on before me if I do that! I'm here for a purpose and I truly believe now my purpose is to save another person and save one life that might wanna end it! I've learned a lot in the past 3 or 4 months of counseling that I'll take with me forever! Life is too precious to waste it and kill myself! Through all my trails I've found out who my true family and friends are! I've found out the ones that's truly cared enough to pick up the phone and call me, the text me to email me and say are you ok really ok? Sadly my birthday came avid went and my mother never once called or texted but she did post it on Facebook! It hurt it cut deep cause you know I know she called my brother and she told me sister! My sister boasted about the card she got for her birthday I didn't get nothing but a wall post on Facebook! It's sad that the woman that had me hates me so much that from an early age she pushed me away and still does! Judgement day will come and as we all stand before the throne of grace and look up at The Lord and he says to me Christy welcome my child and he holds me and tells me he's proud of me it'll be the best day in my life! Along with when he looks at my father and he says you denied the fact that what you done to her in front of me and your friends so I'm denying you access to heaven! Sad as I hate to say this I'm not sure if all the bible readings, all the religious shows all the talk about God that he's doing now will grant him his place in heaven! And when my mother stands before him and he tells her you didn't believe because the money, booze, drugs and men was before your child I'm not granting you access only way I think she will make it is if she accepts The Lord on her death bed! That's gonna be her only saving grace! I will always love them both not cause I want too but because they are my mother and father no matter what they are what made me possible to be here! Sadly I wish The Lord would of given me to someone better but I didn't get many years with the woman that truly loved me! With out a doubt she's loved me thru it all! As I close this blog I'm finally coming out to the world as a bisexual female! It's always gonna be with me and I'll always love the touch of another female! I hope when I tell my world via Facebook that they all will be supportive and they will not run like others have but you know what I've asked for forgiveness from every sin I've committed and my claiming to be bisexual is just myself affirming that it's who I am deep inside! The child within me loves females and is a lesbian but the woman I am loves Corey and likes females too and it's because the motherly figure left me and I long for that still! 

May I rest now in the fact that my story is public may it be read by someone and they see I'm real and may they see that The Lord is real and he is my God, My Lord, and My Savior!! Im a survivor of child sexual abuse!   

New beginnings

As the new year is upon us and Christmas is here! I'm gonna start a new blog and it's gonna be called you are not alone! Sitting in counseling today she told me that I have to do it anonymously cause of legal issues! And backlashes by his family and he might try to take it out on me or carol cause he's been defamed and he might try to cause me more pain than it's worth! Every post I post there will have come from this blog well most of it! I want to work on healing me and I believe this is my chance to tell the world look there is someone out there that has been thru this and lived to tell the tell! We all have issues that we may never be able to talk about! So it's time to be open honest and let others know it's ok! I'm here for you! I'm taking a stand! Good night blog

Venting!

I have this idea in my head to get my story about my life out there in the world for others to see and for family to know the pain I live with daily! Well being the caring wife and the one that's trying her damnest to give this marriage 110% talked to Corey tonight about it and he said that I'm just trying to humiliate my dad and brother and ruin my family! And that I'm trying to embarrass my family! My sole purpose of this was to let everyone know the hell I lived thru the pain, the scars the hurt the whole nine yard! But not go into any graphic detail! And he said I should do it with out anyone knowing it was me! Anonymously cause that way if family read it they wouldn't cause trouble! But I just feel he doesn't understand that to me it's healing me to get it out! It's healing me! He said I'm raging bull again and willing to take anyone down and I don't care! No I personally don't think i am' I'm truly trying to find myself! Trying to find who I am! What my purpose is! I feel my purpose is to help as many people as I can by telling my story and encouraging them to tell theirs! Ugh I'm pissed! Fucking men! 

Will you join?

If not for yourself do it for me! Please it's been a while since I've tried but depression is killer!! 

If you..

Do you see the pain, the anger, the hurt, the loneliness in my eyes? Do you know why I feel all these things and many more? Do you care, do you understand? The answers to these questions are simple for some and for some not so much! I've always had a way of masking the pain with a smile, and howdy or just a put on! Do you know why I'm this way? Do you understand? No you don't know why cause I haven't told you and I haven't told you because you would be like others and say it's all a lie, it's all a joke, I'm a troublemaker, I have hatred for this person! My biggest question is why? Why me? Why my life, why my childhood, why couldn't I or why didn't i? I'll never know the answers to these questions until the day that I stand before The Lord! If you knew would you stay, would you run, would you hide? What would you do? Probably be like others and be gone and never speak to me again! My childhood was taken away at an early age by someone that supposedly loved me! It taught me not to trust, taught me to feel like it's my fault, taught me no self worth! If you knew this person or people would you care? Would you say it's a lie? Im sure cause that's what you wanna believe! All I ever wanted was love, shown, not pushed away, not standing aside while you loved others, not looking on just waiting for my turn! If you opened my soul and heart what would you see? A child begging to be set free, a child innocent, a child broken, hurt, scared, scared for life! This child is me back when I was 8 yrs old, the child that never got a chance to be a child, the child that never got to enjoy things little girls enjoy, a child longing for love! A child that never knew what love meant and was taught to not trust! This same child lashes out from time to time and sadly Corey gets the blunt end of the deal! He doesn't deserve it, he shouldn't ever feel I hate him! But my hatred is cause of the life before him, the life that was taken away! Do you know I've tried 3 times to end this life and thought about it countless times! The last time I thought about it was a few months ago, I'd written all my family, friends and Corey letters saying my good byes, had planned it all out to where when and how! The Lord saved me again, he said to me with gun in my hand writing Corey a letter, Christy go get your bible and open it! I opened it and psalms 102 was there as I read the versus it was like it was me who had written it! It was all that I felt! It was how I was feeling! I put the gun up, I ripped the letters up, I walked outside and hugged my dogs and said thank you God! He's saved me all 3 times and sometimes I don't know why, I question it cause if I'm not here id be in no pain, no hurt and I'd be away from the ones that hurt me! Then I think maybe it's because I know I wouldn't be in heaven and maybe that's why! Of all those times I cried for help before I did it, I screamed but no one listened, no one cared! No one saw the tears, the anger, the resentment the hurt! No one! I'm not perfect, I cry, I get angry, I back slide, I sin, I cuss, I hit things, I drive to fast, I get depressed! Your say why lonely when you seem to have a good marriage? Because even though I have him I'm longing for something he'll never be able to give! You might ask what that is cause he gives you love, compassion and cares for you! Your right he does but he doesn't give me the motherly love I lost! The part of my childhood that was spent with others and not my mother! I have PTSD and you might say why well cause of things that happened in my childhood! It's real, it's not fake, I live with it daily, it causes me to lose sleep, not eat, and even fear of leaving home! Do you know that I fear someone knocking on my door? I will not answer unless Corey's at home! I get scared to leave home at night, i don't like sleeping alone in my house! The place that's suppose to be safe the place that I'm suppose to feel comfort the place that should never make me feel scared but it does! Most days revolve around taken pills to be normal, to be sane, to be less suicidal, to feel human, to sleep, to eat and to be Christy! If you could look inside my head and dig out one part, what would it be? If I could it would be back in 1985 when the innocent child didn't understand! Although she did what she should it still wasn't good enough, the one that could of stopped it ran, the other didn't wanna lose the money coming in, the other one waited on one of the others to do something! No one did, no one can now! Do you know what it feels like to be called fat, ugly, a big baby, a cry baby, a slut, a whore? Well I do all those have been told to me since as far back as I can remember, I've always been the fat girl, ugly girl, big baby when I was hurt, cry baby when I was hurt, a slut abs whore when things happened I had no control over! Yes you read all that right and sadly it's still comes up from time to time in the present! Could anyone stopped it? Did anyone know those words hurt? Well I'm here to say they do they cut deep! They don't just slide off, they don't roll off, they stick with you! They cut deep! They make you feel worthless, useless, lonely, unloved, and want to give up! One day I will tell my story, one day the world will know, one day judgement will come to the ones that hurt me and judgment to the ones I've hurt! My anger, rage, has caused tons of hurt to some people! It still does daily cause I don't know how to control it! When I anger I wanna hit things not people but things that want give that will inflict pain upon me and cause my other pain to go away! Never will anyone know why cause the ones that know will never tell! 

Answers from earlier

Body Signals

• how does your body feel when you are angry? It's tense, it feels as it's gonna explode!

• are the muscles tense in your neck, arms, legs, face? Yes they are so tense it feels like they are gonna pop open!

• do you sweat or get cold? I sweat 

• do you breathe deeper, faster, lighter, slower? Deeper and faster sounds like a mad bull

•do you get a headache? A stomachache?  Headache and sometimes stomachache 

Behavioral signs

How do you behave when you're feeling angry? Do you:

• get mean? Blame others? I get very mean and I blame others mostly my husband! 

• act extra nice? I don't until after I've calmed down!

• start laughing? Sometimes I might if I feel like it's funny!

• become sarcastic? I have been sarcastic 

• withdraw I do withdraw from others

• shut down yes sometimes i do 

• break commitments? Arrive late or leave early? I usually will not even acknowledge commitments 

• have difficulty eating or sleeping? Eat or sleep more?  I don't sleep or eat when angry then after I calm down I eat and cry myself to sleep! 

Depressed feels like this..

Depressed feels like this: a grey cloud that's hanging over my head, a deep hole with no sides to climb out, a big rain cloud that rains everyday, and a deep feeling that hurts me! Depressed feels like this: knots in my stomach, the wanting to cry at the slightest moment, the emptiness that want go away! Depressed feels like this: being alone in the world full of people, being lost in a sea of things I can't change, the looking out across the road and see nothing but darkness! Depressed feels like: not having any self confidence, any self worth and just didn't want to get out of bed! Depressed feels like: not understanding the darkness around me, the not knowing what love feels like! 

Recognizing anger from book!

Body Signals

• how does your body feel when you are angry? 

• are the muscles tense in your neck, arms, legs, face? 

• do you sweat or get cold?

• do you breathe deeper, faster, lighter, slower?

•do you get a headache? A stomachache? 

Behavioral signs

How do you behave when you're feeling angry? Do you:

• get mean? Blame others?

• act extra nice?

• start laughing?

• become sarcastic?

• withdraw

• shut down

• break commitments? Arrive late or leave early?

• have difficulty eating or sleeping? Eat or sleep more? 

I'll answer all these in a later blog today! 

Graphic content NUDETY

So I've been thinking on this for a long time! I mean a very long time! It's taken me until now to get up the courage to finally talk to Corey about it and well it didn't go as planned! It kind of hurt the way he reacted! I had asked my counselor what was some ways to get his attention off porn and on me! She suggested to find sized women like me nude, and see how they pose and then either repeat pose or do different ones and save them to his computer and let him look at me instead of porn! I was in shower and he walked in to pee and I said hey baby I got a question! I said I'd like you to take some nude shower photos of me! His reaction was a stunned look on his face like has she lost her damn mind! And then I said you ain't gonna say nothing he said well I don't know what to say! I guess I think different than others cause if someone would of said that to me I'd been like uh hell yeah and when, and I'm ready! I guess it's just me but I kind of got the idea that he thought maybe your not as pretty or as small or what ever! I have a low self esteem and a low self confidence and when I try I don't get the reaction I was looking for! Is it me? Am I the one that over reacted or was it just him? I may never know cause I don't think it'll ever happen! But it's worth a try! You was warned! 

Birthday and things

Not sure if I blogged about my anniversary or not but it was on December 6 and it was 11 yrs ago when I said I do! It's been hard work but we have made it! Fast forward til today, it's my birthday 36 yrs ago I was born at 11:58pm and was almost a Friday 13th baby! My the things I've done in the past 36 yrs and the things I've endured to make me who I am today! I've come along ways and I'm not looking back anytime soon! I shall never allow the pain of my childhood overwhelm me again! Thanks to some truly awesome friends and family I've gotta lot of life left to live! I've had over 120 ppl wish me happy birthday on Facebook! Corey cooked me a steak on the grill in the cold and I made a salad it was awesome! I couldn't ask for a better birthday but for one thing! I'm having some major cravings for the touch of a woman! No sex just have her lay in bed with me and let me hold her!! It's something I need! Thank you all for making my day special!! 

Book

What my friends think of me!! 

Healing

I believe I've come along way in my healing process I've learned to let go a little and tell my story in hopes others will see they are not alone! I think mine and Corey's marriage is better than it's been in a few years! I've learned that all the hurt that I've raged about wasn't his fault at all it was my fault! I was angry at my past and took it out on him! No not all the things was my fault but most was! I've over reacted to things in my past that caused me to over react to him! I'm not completely healed but I'm on the way! I now have several goals I'd like to accomplish! 

1. Find the real me, the one that's been trapped for so long that's longing to get out! Wether it be a lesbian or a bi sexual! I gotta find me and accept me for who I am!

2. Loss more weight, no I don't want to lose it for sake of being accepted but I want to lose it for me! 

3. Do more things that I missed out on as a kid, like going to a kid movie, going to eat at kid like places, being a kid, going to park and swinging, finding a slide big enough for me! 

4. Would really like to help others heal! 

5. I dream of opening a non profit women survivors home, for women to come and share their experience with others like them! Also would like to talk to younger kids about the things that parents might not wanna talk about because they don't think it will happen to their kids!

6. I want to be free of the power that my dad, mom and others have over me! They hold me back from being me! 

7. Lastly but not least I want to write my story in a book for others to see that not everyone turns to suicide and that they too can be a survivor.

What I've accomplished so far is that I realized all the things I've down for my father and mother was out of trying to feel accepted and trying to gain their love and show that I'm worthy of it! Also I've realized that not everyone will ever apologize for the wrong they did and as they live in denial I can't change their minds and I gotta work on fixing me and not them! Denial has been my biggest accomplishment cause I was in denial for a lot of years that maybe it didn't happen and beginning this journey I've realized that yes it did and I still have vivid memories of it all! It's hard long road but I've walked this far I'm not turning around! No need to live in fear anymore and time to tell the world just how hard life can really be! I might lose family and friends but you know I'll be a peace and they will have to either accept it or deny it and either way The Lord knows the truth and knows I'm not lying! He will be the final judgment not me! Thank you to all the ones that have stuck with me! Thank you! 

 

Ousting facebook

This book that counselor made me get to read is bringing up a lot of memories and they are causing me to have more sleepless nights and also causing me anger! The reason behind deactivating fb is because all my friends well most of them have kids or grand kids and they post status about spending day with my mom or spending the day with dad or spending day with my kids and it's beginning to hurt cause the only memories I have are horror stories and that really upsets me! I don't wanna say anything or delete them cause all they are doing are sharing their memories with others as a way of letting others know! Nothing wrong with that and im happy for them but also sad cause I can't have back my childhood! I can't have that shopping time with my mom or that lunch with my mom like others! When I ask I get we gotta wait on heather or she will be mad well hell do you tell heather we gotta wait on Christy or Scott or they will be mad I know I'm being childish but it's just hurting! I'm jealous of everyone that has their parents and are able to be with them! Maybe after this chapter today I'll be better but the 2 yesterday was hell I was ready to go cut his dick and balls off and make my momma suck them then shove them down his thorat and make him suck them just like he did me! Sorry that's how mad I got and I know that my friend that post stuff about doing things with her mom means no harm but i want that! Is it too much to ask for that your mother console you when you need it! The Saturday after thanksgiving when we was all over there she told Rhonda to sit beside her and she covered her up and hugged her and yes it really hurt! Cause Wednesday night before thanksgiving i tried to do same thing and she said here take blanket and all but physically pushed me away! It hurts it really does it makes me just wanna end it all and then maybe she would be happy maybe she would be glad I was gone! I feel like she doesn't want me around she could care less if I fell off the earth I think when I got married they both was like great now she's gone i can be this to this person and never have to worry about her it's killing me inside i mean really killing me I wanna tell the world how I was treated as a kid I wanna tell them who did it I want him, Scott, mom to all feel the pain that I've felt! The hurt the no feeling of worth the no feeling of being wanted! Missy your the only one that ever truly down deep inside of me made me feel wanted every time I saw you! Corey doesn't even do that he only does when he wants sex you wanted me sex or no sex and you made me feel whole and somedays I feel I should of ran off with you and just had our lives together! Thank you for showing me true love not just love for sexual pleasures!  I'm not wanting to kill myself but that's the way I feel! Somedays are worse than others and then some days are great no hard feeling!! But I've gotten past that chapter and now it's own to forgiving I forgive myself for being the person I was that he felt the need to hurt! I don't forgive him or my mother at the moment but maybe I will one day' right now things aren't even good between me and them! I'm sorry and it's just the way I feel at times it's crazy how I feel! Well blog that's all for today!! 

Remembering Lisa!

Lisa Porter where do I begin! How do I deal with this, how do I continue on with out you here! So many times you've helped me to deal you've shown me that life is hard, and sometimes I've been there to help you and talked you out of it! Tried to help you tried to get you away and then I find out you've tired your best to end it all! To get rid of the monster that's ruled your world all your life you wanted it all to go away! Yes I'm devastated that I can't be there to shake you and ask you why! I can't be there to see you one last time if that's Gods will! Lisa you've been my saving grace and I really hope that you pull thru! I hope that you make it out! I really do but down deep in my heart I feel The Lord is telling me that she's gone and it's just time to accept it! Lisa, your a beautiful person, big heart, a lot of love to give but one thing you didn't have was someone to show you love cause you've been hurt by all the ones that's hurt you! Lisa if you make it out of this please make this a lesson learned and the hard way! I'm so sorry that all this happened I'm sorry that everything came down to you truly wanting to end it! But I pray you pull thru! I love you Lisa! Thank you for saving me! Can't seem to take my mind off you!