If you..

Do you see the pain, the anger, the hurt, the loneliness in my eyes? Do you know why I feel all these things and many more? Do you care, do you understand? The answers to these questions are simple for some and for some not so much! I've always had a way of masking the pain with a smile, and howdy or just a put on! Do you know why I'm this way? Do you understand? No you don't know why cause I haven't told you and I haven't told you because you would be like others and say it's all a lie, it's all a joke, I'm a troublemaker, I have hatred for this person! My biggest question is why? Why me? Why my life, why my childhood, why couldn't I or why didn't i? I'll never know the answers to these questions until the day that I stand before The Lord! If you knew would you stay, would you run, would you hide? What would you do? Probably be like others and be gone and never speak to me again! My childhood was taken away at an early age by someone that supposedly loved me! It taught me not to trust, taught me to feel like it's my fault, taught me no self worth! If you knew this person or people would you care? Would you say it's a lie? Im sure cause that's what you wanna believe! All I ever wanted was love, shown, not pushed away, not standing aside while you loved others, not looking on just waiting for my turn! If you opened my soul and heart what would you see? A child begging to be set free, a child innocent, a child broken, hurt, scared, scared for life! This child is me back when I was 8 yrs old, the child that never got a chance to be a child, the child that never got to enjoy things little girls enjoy, a child longing for love! A child that never knew what love meant and was taught to not trust! This same child lashes out from time to time and sadly Corey gets the blunt end of the deal! He doesn't deserve it, he shouldn't ever feel I hate him! But my hatred is cause of the life before him, the life that was taken away! Do you know I've tried 3 times to end this life and thought about it countless times! The last time I thought about it was a few months ago, I'd written all my family, friends and Corey letters saying my good byes, had planned it all out to where when and how! The Lord saved me again, he said to me with gun in my hand writing Corey a letter, Christy go get your bible and open it! I opened it and psalms 102 was there as I read the versus it was like it was me who had written it! It was all that I felt! It was how I was feeling! I put the gun up, I ripped the letters up, I walked outside and hugged my dogs and said thank you God! He's saved me all 3 times and sometimes I don't know why, I question it cause if I'm not here id be in no pain, no hurt and I'd be away from the ones that hurt me! Then I think maybe it's because I know I wouldn't be in heaven and maybe that's why! Of all those times I cried for help before I did it, I screamed but no one listened, no one cared! No one saw the tears, the anger, the resentment the hurt! No one! I'm not perfect, I cry, I get angry, I back slide, I sin, I cuss, I hit things, I drive to fast, I get depressed! Your say why lonely when you seem to have a good marriage? Because even though I have him I'm longing for something he'll never be able to give! You might ask what that is cause he gives you love, compassion and cares for you! Your right he does but he doesn't give me the motherly love I lost! The part of my childhood that was spent with others and not my mother! I have PTSD and you might say why well cause of things that happened in my childhood! It's real, it's not fake, I live with it daily, it causes me to lose sleep, not eat, and even fear of leaving home! Do you know that I fear someone knocking on my door? I will not answer unless Corey's at home! I get scared to leave home at night, i don't like sleeping alone in my house! The place that's suppose to be safe the place that I'm suppose to feel comfort the place that should never make me feel scared but it does! Most days revolve around taken pills to be normal, to be sane, to be less suicidal, to feel human, to sleep, to eat and to be Christy! If you could look inside my head and dig out one part, what would it be? If I could it would be back in 1985 when the innocent child didn't understand! Although she did what she should it still wasn't good enough, the one that could of stopped it ran, the other didn't wanna lose the money coming in, the other one waited on one of the others to do something! No one did, no one can now! Do you know what it feels like to be called fat, ugly, a big baby, a cry baby, a slut, a whore? Well I do all those have been told to me since as far back as I can remember, I've always been the fat girl, ugly girl, big baby when I was hurt, cry baby when I was hurt, a slut abs whore when things happened I had no control over! Yes you read all that right and sadly it's still comes up from time to time in the present! Could anyone stopped it? Did anyone know those words hurt? Well I'm here to say they do they cut deep! They don't just slide off, they don't roll off, they stick with you! They cut deep! They make you feel worthless, useless, lonely, unloved, and want to give up! One day I will tell my story, one day the world will know, one day judgement will come to the ones that hurt me and judgment to the ones I've hurt! My anger, rage, has caused tons of hurt to some people! It still does daily cause I don't know how to control it! When I anger I wanna hit things not people but things that want give that will inflict pain upon me and cause my other pain to go away! Never will anyone know why cause the ones that know will never tell!