Christmas

Christmas to me is the loneliest time of the year! Why you might ask? Cause the child inside of me never got to experience Christmas like kids did, the child inside me longs for toys, longs for kiddy things! The adult in me hates Christmas cause it's not about the meaning anymore it's about the money spent! I can't even buy my husband a gift cause I'm broke! I can't enjoy my family cause I have nothing to give! I can't have a happy Christmas cause of the PTSD and depression! I can't be me cause me is still a child! I can't be happy cause I'm not! Happiness to me I lost a long time ago! The last happiest Christmas I remember was the year I got my first bicycle and a jar full of banana Laffy taffy I mean really after that it didn't mean anything to me! Yea I enjoy the unwrapping of gifts at moms but that's all for show! It's like I'm putting on to be happy! I hope that maybe one year I'll be excited about it again! But until then I'm proud it's over! 

Starting tonight at 12 I'm starting to step away from Facebook, texting and outside world! I'm going to figure out how to love myself! How to connect with that inner child that's longing for a way out! I gotta figure out how to love me before I can fully love Corey! The inner child in me wants to run wild and free and roll around on the ground with the dogs but the adult in me can't cause of a disease that's slowly taking the life out of me! The inner person is screaming for help but all I hear is jumbled up mess cause for so long I've pushed her away just like my mom did! Why most I do this? Why do I push her away? Well cause that's all I've ever known it's all I've ever seen it's all I know! Do you know that a child picks up on things at an early age and they continue to apply it later in life? Well I'm here to tell you that I've pushed away every friend, every lover that I've ever had! But you know what I've learned who my real friends are though! Some have stuck around some ran and some still telling me from time to time I'm fat and ugly! Family has come around but more often than not they don't last either! Do you know that even during the happiest moments the other day I still felt so alone? I felt so left out! So not there! Sometimes I was so spaces out that I didn't even know I was there! It's hard to really enjoy something when you know that one person wishes you was gone! She acted like she didn't even care I was there! Sadly I felt like she was hoping I'd not showed up! But I did and I guess she was trying to act happy! But really down deep inside I felt she wasn't! But the inner child in me had a great time tearing up paper and seeing all the gifts I had and all the fun that surrounded the gifts! That's the happy moment I had! Anyways blog, I'm used to it now! Good night