This book that counselor made me get to read is bringing up a lot of memories and they are causing me to have more sleepless nights and also causing me anger! The reason behind deactivating fb is because all my friends well most of them have kids or grand kids and they post status about spending day with my mom or spending the day with dad or spending day with my kids and it's beginning to hurt cause the only memories I have are horror stories and that really upsets me! I don't wanna say anything or delete them cause all they are doing are sharing their memories with others as a way of letting others know! Nothing wrong with that and im happy for them but also sad cause I can't have back my childhood! I can't have that shopping time with my mom or that lunch with my mom like others! When I ask I get we gotta wait on heather or she will be mad well hell do you tell heather we gotta wait on Christy or Scott or they will be mad I know I'm being childish but it's just hurting! I'm jealous of everyone that has their parents and are able to be with them! Maybe after this chapter today I'll be better but the 2 yesterday was hell I was ready to go cut his dick and balls off and make my momma suck them then shove them down his thorat and make him suck them just like he did me! Sorry that's how mad I got and I know that my friend that post stuff about doing things with her mom means no harm but i want that! Is it too much to ask for that your mother console you when you need it! The Saturday after thanksgiving when we was all over there she told Rhonda to sit beside her and she covered her up and hugged her and yes it really hurt! Cause Wednesday night before thanksgiving i tried to do same thing and she said here take blanket and all but physically pushed me away! It hurts it really does it makes me just wanna end it all and then maybe she would be happy maybe she would be glad I was gone! I feel like she doesn't want me around she could care less if I fell off the earth I think when I got married they both was like great now she's gone i can be this to this person and never have to worry about her it's killing me inside i mean really killing me I wanna tell the world how I was treated as a kid I wanna tell them who did it I want him, Scott, mom to all feel the pain that I've felt! The hurt the no feeling of worth the no feeling of being wanted! Missy your the only one that ever truly down deep inside of me made me feel wanted every time I saw you! Corey doesn't even do that he only does when he wants sex you wanted me sex or no sex and you made me feel whole and somedays I feel I should of ran off with you and just had our lives together! Thank you for showing me true love not just love for sexual pleasures! I'm not wanting to kill myself but that's the way I feel! Somedays are worse than others and then some days are great no hard feeling!! But I've gotten past that chapter and now it's own to forgiving I forgive myself for being the person I was that he felt the need to hurt! I don't forgive him or my mother at the moment but maybe I will one day' right now things aren't even good between me and them! I'm sorry and it's just the way I feel at times it's crazy how I feel! Well blog that's all for today!!
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