The long Goodbye

Laying here feeling like it's time to say good bye, my life isn't worth living, isn't worth the pain that I'm in! Why must I go through this daily to just wake up the same as I went to bed! My mind races, my body aches, my heart beats loudly but my soul says it's too late! Living in a lie day in and day out has brought me to the point of no return and to the end of my rope! I see the bottom of this hole slowly getting closer! What must I do, how can I stop it from reaching up and grabbing me! I see it and I'm within a few millimeters of hitting bottom I've been here before and i feel it's the best place for me! This bottomless pit is my new bed, my new life, my new everything it's the only place I find comfort, the only place I find peace and the only place dark enough not to see myself! Looking thru the hole at the top the light is getting dimmer and soon it'll go out! This life isn't the life I wanted and isn't the life I feel i should of been given! The day my father took my innocence away was the day I died as a child! He caused this and maybe if I end it he will finally admit that he's the cause of this! I don't want you to shed a tear over my body if you didn't shed a tear while I was living above the hole! Don't enter my hole hoping to pull me free because this pit is my only safe place! Leave me here for the world to see what it's like to be in a state of despair and confusion and hurt! If only my father hadn't taken my life so long ago is still be here today! Depression won another battle and hell will gain another body to the despair of the innocence that's been taken! Shall you see this I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you bye but remember I'll always love you! To Corey who caused this tonight just because he didn't want to listen to me speak my mind about suicide now he sees what I was saying! Suicide is the only answer when no one cares anymore! So long my friends! May you all live long and may my life left some imprint in yours but don't allow my death to cause you any pain! Don't cry, but laugh, don't weep but smile and don't morn but rejoice that I hurt no more!  

Been a while

This blog is one I've wrote a few times before, but tonight it hit me again! The passing of Robin Williams to the monster called suicide has kept me awake thinking if all the times I've thought, or tried! Once a person reaches a point of no return there and they feel the only way out is suicide there is no helping this person! Because once a person reaches that stage it's too late, they won't reach out they won't ask for help because their mind is made that the only cure is death! Not caring who they hurt, who they leave behind and not caring why they are doing it they just know it's best! Suicide is an easy way out for so many that can't fight the fight any longer! The battle has been won by the defeated person and death is the answer! Sadly, the ones left behind to pick up the pieces are worse off than the one that ended it all! No pills, no drugs, no one can stop a person that's truly got his/her mind set! So many say I wish they would of reached out but I know from experience that when that time comes reaching out isn't on your mind! Personally attempts are the equitation to asking for help! Because if you attempt and fail you failed on purpose because you really wanted someone to help you! The consequences after the attempt shows you that you wasn't really trying! Sadly though the person that attempts and succeeds is the one that might of reached for help time and time and no one took the hints that was laid before them! We as humans sometimes hint and hint but no one believes us until it's too late! Depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse and so on are all reasons why someone might choose suicide! But suicide isn't the answer but really is there a true answer? Some say that if that person would of talked to someone then they'd still be here today! Some say they should of been on medicine to control it. Some say they never say any signs of anything that might of caused this. Point is every person that's thought about suicide has left signs, left clues, left hints, left notes and lastly probably is taking medicine, or talking to a counselor, or even spent time in mental health places! With none of those being the answer they was looking for! So in their mind the only answer is suicide! Suicide can happen to the best of us! It can happen to the ones that look great on the outside but dying inside! The smile, the laughter, the jokes and so on are just for show! They don't show you what's really going on down deep inside! Personally, my smiles and my laughter daily sometimes is to hide the pain the heartbreak the past and even the present state my mind is in! Daily I struggle with PTSD, anxiety, depression and the list goes on! Daily I put a smile on to hide the tears, the pain the want to die feeling! Daily I try to move on like a normal person but I'm dying inside! Daily the thought of just giving up and ending it sometimes seems to be the only way to not hurt to not want to cry and to not want to be alive! But daily I try my best to make the best of the time I have here! But if anyone truly knew what I struggle with day in and day out they could see the pain, the struggle in my eyes and see that my smile is fake! The life I was given isn't the life I would of chose if I'd had a choice! I'd not been diagnosed with RA in 2006, would not of had to quit a job that I truly loved most days in 2010 and I wouldn't be seeing a counselor for my past! All those things wouldn't be if I'd had my choice but it wasn't my choice it was the life I was given! I embrace my past as a stepping stone to my future! Past hurts, past heartaches, past headaches, past bruises are all just a step towards what is yet to come! When the day comes and I leave this earth will be the best day of my life! I'll look back and see what it took to get me to this point and when I'm standing before The Lord for my judgment I truly hope that I see the judgment of the one/s that has caused me to feel like suicide was the answer! Luckily, I have some great supporters, prayer warriors, friends and family that's help keep me a float in the ocean of sharks! They've been there when no one else was, when I truly felt the only way out was the same way that Robin Williams felt today when he ended his life! As you see suicide can happen to anyone, it doesn't care if your rich, famous, poor, homeless, or healthy it can happen to anyone! I challenge you all to always stop and ask someone that might look sad or smiling but you can see that it's not real, ask them are they ok! Let them know your there for them! Reach out to them because so many will not reach out to you!